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I think women are dead
until they live for me.
The door creaked and I craned my neck
to get a better look at who walked in.

I saw sultry, pouting lips and an ***
that moved in indignant little circles
as she walked up to a stool at the bar.

My lust was provoked immediately,
and I knew that she knew it by the
way she checked her hair and makeup
in the mirror behind the speed rack.

She was already naked in my mind's eye,
already leaving me in my sad imagination.

It'd been maybe three minutes since she
walked in that squeaky front door,
but I'd already had more than enough.

I left half a beer on the bar
and strode out into the night
without ever even knowing
her name.
My foggy mouth tries to hide behind rain-smacked glass.
She says goodbye with complacent stares
and with the sudden flash of an umbrella.

The red of her dress doesn't belong in my life.
Each of her strides carry my resentment and weariness,
alongside the melting grey of the Seattle skyline.
So, I don't yell for her or imagine our lives,
as the windshield wipers sweep her image, out of sight, but not out of my head.

I return home, the half I was for decades.
The tread of my shoe mashing bluegrass,
digging up seeds and insect carcass, with every step.
Storm-soaked magazine subscriptions lay on the porch,
and her name is tattooed on every one.

The dog lays on the carpet, ears and eyes perking up at me.
And he knows he's truly alone, because I'll depend on him.

Eggshell kitchen cabinets are jammed with her:
Vermilion, saffron, and burgundy glasses hold
half-empty hangings of golden flat draft,
keeping her day-old, dried saliva smothered on the edges,
like transparent ocean waves dying on a glass coast
and buried in the bottom of the sun-pierced vortex.

What I couldn't realize is that the cup was me:
marked in so many ways,
letting decaying memories burrow and stay.
I don't want to write anymore.
Stop reading this.
Please.
Her love shines like
a sunset through venetian blinds,
leaving me stripped
and striped with shadows and light.

Her love is the knife dissecting
my spine one vertebrae at a time.

I hope she likes
what I really am inside,
because I spill my guts
just to hear her sigh.
Lick the rust from her heart,
let her pet you in the dark.
Keep her company at night,
purr away all her fright.

Your sandpaper paws and tongue
smooth out her roughness.
Your white velvet coat has begun
to prove she's not loveless.
I have two bruises on my shoulders
blue as the oceans and marbled white,
storm-foam spilling from my head
and eyes.
That’s not your responsibility--
but what else could it have been
when I knelt silent, scrubbing, palms
red as my sister’s sticky wrists, clorox
wipes balled and piled in the corner?
I am not
steel-skinned, some mechanical being
mistaken for a human with her eyelids
torn from her face, blindless to trauma
and the callouses it leaves behind.
And yet
the oceans on my shoulders blow salt
healing the wounds to smooth, pink scars,
reminders in every mirrored surface:
I am still standing.
The puppet master sits in the background
He looks just like me or you or anyone at all
But more goes on in his head that cannot be
Seen, he begins to silently pull strings, unknown
To anyone but himself, He pulls the strings but
Also lays a web to catch the unbeknownst like
A deadly spider in the shadows, carefully he begins
A dastardly plan laying down the webs, strings and
Grinning At what is to come, people talk to him never
Seeing what goes on in his head it’s almost ready he
Thinks, he watches carefully from the background
Smiling as everyone falls into place,
He pulls the strings to the puppets who move along thinking
It’s their own choices but the puppet master in is charge
A cigarette after ***
  gets old
when it's the only thing
  burning
in your world.

When Netflix feels like
  family,
you wonder where
  everyone went.

******* feels like
  a cry for help--
So help you God.

Missing your home
  is second
to missing who
  you once were.

Eastern philosophy,
Karl Marx, Rawls--
We don't know
  any ******* thing,
really.

Pretending to be more.
Pretending to be smarter
than we really are.

May holes in our sides
let others see
that we're beating, too--
just not as ferociously
or as honestly.

May we vanish
into the darkness
that best suits us.

If the light is our night,
may we follow it.
Follow it...
Follow it...
Rebel from our frame.

May God grant us
to be more
than losers.
We each knew our love for each
Other, There were roller-coaster events
That seemed to always push us
Even more apart, we tried to
Fight it, getting around it and
To still make it work..
You told me this time were done
Nothing is getting in our way were
Making this work no matter what!
This was on the romantic day of the
Year and made me fall even more
For you knowing you were going
To be my lighthouse in the storm
A guided light of love that can get
Me through any terrible situation
Life could through
But just as quickly my lighthouse
Fell apart, you told me its done
I've changed, i'm not the same
I was lost in the sea with a hurricane
Hitting and realizing I had no shining
Light to guide me..
What could two weeks make?
Can you really change in that
Amount of time?
Don't ask me I'm just a ship
Wrecked sailor looking for a
New lighthouse.
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