I always said
To you.
To help me understand
Your addiction.

I always said
To you.
To show me
Your rehabilitation.

I always said
To you.
To show me
Your addiction.

When I take myself
To this world
Of addiction.
I am horrified at what I see.

I never want to
Come back again.
To the dark places
Your addiction takes you.

I'm sat outside your house,
Warm in my car
While the wind blows away
The remains of the affection I had for you.

How dare you tell the world,
That I broke you.
When you broke me.

How dare you tell the world,
That I hurt you.
When you hurt me.

How dare you tell the world,
That I didn't love you.
When you didn't love me.

How dare you tell the world,
That I used you.
When you used me.

You crushed me
You abused me
You stripped me till I was bare.

And now you tell the world
That I ruined your life.
How dare you...

When you crash into the depths of hell
It's only natural that
You scream, you cry, you hurt,
You burn.

And it's only natural
That it takes you awhile
To get used to the flames licking
Around your feet,
As you finally admit defeat.
It's only natural
That it take you a while,
To learn how to smile,
As you burn around the edges
And sometimes your very core.
It's only natural
That you cannot walk before you crawl
And that you cannot fly
Unless you risk the fall
Risk it all.

It's only natural that
As much as it scolds, eventually
You'll learn how to handle the heat
That you'll adjust and trust
Eventually you'll get used to the pain
And learn how to sustain and attain
Normality again,
As you take one step and then another
As you learn to
Place one foot in front of the other
Walking with the scars
You thought would never heal.
It's only natural, to hurt, to feel,
That's what makes us human,
What makes us real.

A blast from the past that's come back with a vengeance. It's a hurricane that's destroying everything in it's path till it gets to me. I can't face this again. It hurts too much. It's killing me at a faster rate now than it has been over the last 4 years. As opposed to chipping away at me slowly like it has been. It's ripping huge chunks of flesh from my body and devouring them like a starved child in a third world country. I can't do this anymore. I have to put an end to it once and for all...

Mum
Mummy
Mumma
What would you have called me?

Could I have seen
Your innocent face,
Or felt the warmth
Of your embrace.

Would you have cuddled me
When you cried?
Or smiled and looked at me
With your bright eyes?

Was loosing you
Down to fate?
Down to destiny?

Or was it me?
Did my actions affect you?
Did my emotions
Destroy you?

Did your heart beat?
Even once?
Boom, boom, boom
Or did I **** you before it could?

Am I a murderer
Or a mother?
Will you ever forgive me?

I have wronged you,
I didn't give you a chance
To live the life you wanted,
With me and your dad.

We would love you
And cherish you,
You'd be the apple of our eyes.

But when I knew
You were no more,
A huge part of me died.

I didn't know you existed,
What kind of mother am i?
I should have known from before,
That I'd be blessed with a child.

So tell me
My baby,
What would you call me?
Mum, mummy, mumma.
But you're no longer
There to decide.