i struggle throughout the day to find any semblance of hope or kindness that can show moving forward at all is worth the time, effort, pain, and grind to simply exist

i tremble at the most nuanced implications; i become cold, and my skin aches with sheer terror over being alive, striving to comprehend between each sunrise and sunset why the desolation hasnt taken me as of yet

and then the plot comes, and i break

each and every time i begin to feel the tangible sensation of worthlessness and hopelessness i cry; alone, harboring diligent conviction for everything i wish i could do

the actualization of mortality is an ever-present ghost haunting me where i rest, where i sleep, where i walk among the growing crowd of grey, listless faces. it overcomes my efforts, it drowns me in subjugating thoughts, flights of fantasy for the dream to give something meaningful; to drive change in a place, for things and people, that could bring goodness or kindness to them too; to deliver unto my own being a sense of purpose and meaningfulness that surpasses the mass mediocrity which suffocates this world and transcends my own hope to do good unto the world at large into something more powerful than words, or wishes, or dreams

i become overwhelmed with the cost of being alive, the choking sensation of doubt which derives through strife and worry for all things monetary which beguile any path towards meaningful philanthropy

in this world, only the rich can afford to live or be free of worry, and i wasn't designed for this world to begin with; i wasn't meant to be, literally, and yet i wasn't given chance or love to find the means for myself before the miring angst and pain which stifled me had made me succumb to it, as such

every choice begets a driving fear which cripples any means to move forward

i have been behind in everything, from everyone, for so long that it becomes painful to even think to wake another day, and the sombre grasp of reality that what given chance or hope or intent i could ever have for others, let alone this world, come crumbling down in an avalanche of susceptibility, vulnerability, and agonizing defeat - i wish nothing more, in those moments, to end my life

nothing and nobody would miss me so that it would hinder their efforts - there could be zero affect in the long run, something which i find peace in knowing: at least it wouldn't be of any loss to the grand scheme, or the short run

i would leave, as i was meant to never be to begin with

There's nobody else like you; and just like that, when I realized this truth: suddenly, I couldn't find a means to care to look for anyone, or anything else. I knew when I felt it to my core, it resonated within my very bones.

Even after what seems like ages in a span of time you think you've become okay, it's the littlest nuances that seem to contrive your whole existence from a single face and bring about all the forgotten things you use to do, and say and share with one of the most important people in your life, in a single moment. You think you're fine, and you haven't a means nor a purpose to remember the things that hurt you, so you simply don't.

Then, one day, there they are: someone you thought you'd never see again, all the same someone you never thought would invoke this demonizing sense of regret that just breaks you down into the moment and rattles you to the very bone with antagonizing nostalgia. And the flood of memories return, from every midnight walk to every moment spent talking, smiling and learning from one another. And it begins to make you cringe and hurt inside that what once was is no more, and this friend will never be a friend again.

What a cruel irony to think what were lost in a series of unfortunate events would eventually - and even, once upon a time, you thought to yourself "hopefully" - disappear and mean nothing, only for it all to come back; that daunting whisper in the back of your conscience telling you "you still care" all the while berating the question as to why you do. It may seem and feel complicated, but it's always so simple: they held great value to your life.

The most painful thing to feel in life is to lose someone important to you, permanently. But, those kinds of situations are easy enough to endure, considering their resolve is absolute - you can't do anything about someone passing away. But when it comes to someone who simply had to leave because of merely bad circumstance, nobody teaches you how to cope with that. And it becomes an incessant pain wandering in the desert of the mind struggling, trying to figure out what, if anything, there is for you to do to fix it. The most aching question of all isn't "how do I get past this?" - No.

The most aching of all questions is, how do you convince a shadow to come to life?

"A gentle sigh relieves itself from my lungs; the air escaping my lips echoing thoughts of solemn wishes.

I gaze your hand and think how soft they are in mine; your eyes, I see within and feel every word you share; such lovely shades of green caressed by hues of blue and orange. Every detail of you and your person embraced with purest intent, I revel in all that is bestowed; and behold your concerns with the same conviction. Your pains have become my own.

The stories you share tear my heart asunder; such harrowing misfortune bestowed upon you, I hear it in your tone and sense it from the tears you shed: you deserve so much more.

How such simple nuance can go unheard, unseen, or unspoken; such stifled cause and senseless negligence, how it could ever befall someone of such grace and sheer beauty, I will never comprehend.

You prove to me there is light on the other side; I see you before me no less a person, sharing our sight as one where our eyes meet as equals.

I crave to prove to you your innate value; to be a resolve you can depend upon in any time of need; to give you all you've sought but never felt or heard or seen, even the simplest of notions which should naturally be bestowed upon someone from another who truly cares.

I see you for who you are. I hear what you say. My heart breaks at all the wrongs brought unto you. You honor me with your affection.. I just hope for the privilege, someday, to prove and to show you what it would be like to be embraced by my heart.

Sometimes, romance truly is merely hopeless. Maybe just saying this aloud, scribing my feelings in secret are all ill ever have. Maybe not.

If we never have an opportunity to be more, you've set a stark precedent for all I've ever meant to find..

I think of you often, and always hope you fare well. Your strength and guiding sense of determination inspire me to be a better person. I could only hope that person, someday, may be something you'll want in your life, or even need."

I dream of simple things

Words fail to capture what the heart endures

A simple smile, a soft tone; bewildering, bewitching, casting somber tones of efficacious pleasantries

It wisps within, between the visage and paltry stoicism; it yearns to seek more

On sombre sands, a flower gently grows; does the night beseech its colors whole? Or would the sun set forever upon a glowing ghost?

Questions gaze at me like windows, cold and rife with frosting edges, the frame growing blue and stained with doubt casting shadows wider than the days are long

To seek solace, the questions wane; until tomorrow, wrought refuge in the arms of a voice that calls to things which echo "home" brings insalubrious candor

The only wicked thing here is believing truth is merely fabricated, and the destination can only ever be fantasy..

If I were, and if wanted to save face
When I go, where do I find a strength to contemplate
All the unknowns that will follow

If I did, and if I wanted to just be safe
Would you keep me in a place you want me in? Or would I irrevocably become the disgrace

so much to say, no time to say it
no voice to carry my words with poise and concern
no ears to feel the truth
the heart wilts, sleep becomes my only friend

i find myself trying so hard to just speak
but i do not resonate with anyone
and nobody seeks ghosts they can not see
abandoned, misplaced, undesired, misconstrued

left alone
solemn, broken, tired
indecision mires hope or plight
destitution commands fear in any endeavor

darkness creeps into places unseen
resolve becomes scarred fate
unconditioned, irrevocable, contemplation
death seeks the desolate man who can not fight anymore

help

too old for dreams anymore
too young to die
stuck between a predicament and a fault in the truth that is the lie we all live

drowning with no water around; nowhere to swim, no shore to step on; as aimless as day in and day out: nothing goes right, nothing settles in

not until death are we all equal

I heed the sunset at my heels
Coinciding with an echoing call
It rhymes with scathing grandeur
A mellow cold bereaved of yesteryear

In pithy flight, shadows fade
Wicked whispers cry of somber fate
But tomorrow yields shining plight
Unfolding visage, insalubrious doubt
A sight beholds a spark of destiny
Two eyes shine brighter than the sun