goodness
I need someone to tell me that there is good in me
That there is goodness inside of me
That there is still hope

I dont feel like myself anymore
The shell ive become
The page intimidates me
My keys laugh at me

My mind flutters
As i take my hands off the wheel and lie back
I roll my eyes back to my skull
And then i realize
Its not the mental health
Or the trauma
Or the experience
Its me

And at this point i dont know if i can change me anymore
My growing phase has come and gone

Will i turn to drugs at this point?
How will i make the pain go away?

What is wrong with me is me
Its in me
Crawling around
Making a home inside my home

How do you evict something that is yourself?

My mind is at war with my actions
Running and running
Dodging mines at every turn desperately trying to keep you happy knowing that one wrong step I will explode into tiny bits and pieces,
amounting to nothing as I once did
saying you loved me out of spite
My heavy boots I pick up with every step I take knowing when I get to you I will regain your trust for the evening
Shooting me down each night in every ***** of my body with your hateful words knowing that your country will win the war in my head and I will forever lose
blood running down my thighs and into my boot
Falling asleep each night with fear that someone else could take my place
Knowing that your ego could fill the entire desert
losing interest in me as you wander away from the troop leaving me in the dark
the dark is a scary place when you don’t know where you’re going
when all you know is one person because one person and one person only feels like home and now youre bleeding out.
I watch as my blood pours out of my lifeless body as my words do on the page describing what hell I am experiencing being under your command and how I desperately need out

But you cannot just simply
leave the war.

Ever since I was little someone was always better than me. In third grade the boys could always run faster and the girls had beautiful long blonde hair and could always walk with grace. I could never understand how they were so perfect. No one wants anything from you in the third grade.
And my sadness never asks for much but it always seem to ask for something that I cannot give.
My sadness is like when you have a cold and you cannot breathe but with me it’s the thought process of ‘oh i’ll never be able to breathe again’. Even though I know I’m being dramatic or maybe I’m not or maybe I am or maybe I’m not as adults tell me when they say to perk up and ask me ‘what do you even have to be sad about’.
And that’s the thing. I can never pinpoint exactly where the sadness started or what triggers it. Nor can I ****** mystery it where I have the huge buliton board with all of the picture of me with tears streaming down my face with string connecting the pictures.
But I can tell you about all the weird times. Like when I was writing a thank you note and none of my words were stringing together like they normally do. As if they were laughing at me. As if they see me hypervenalating in a room full of my friends and me not knowing where It’s coming from or where it’s going.
Them asking me what’s wrong is such a loaded question they should instead ask me where I’ve been. Ask me when and where I was when I felt that I have completely lost control of my life and when I began just going through the motions.  
And I know the Earth is revolving around the sun and the stars are just watching but I just have the aching feeling that I am an undiscovered planet that NASA has somehow not detected (with all of their millions and trillions of dollars why can’t they find this ***** blonde hot mess?) and the Earth is simply turning away from me.
My sadness isn’t humorous but laughing at it is the only way I can explain it to people.

Why do we go back to the ones that hurt us?
Simply because we miss the hurt. We miss the image of happiness that our minds have created for that person. Our brain blocks out the bad memories. Blocks out the fights and the ugliness
And the problems
And the tears
And the pain
Our brains focus solely on the happy times and covers those memories with sweet sugar and makes us crave the sweetness once again.
We crave all of the sugar and spice and everything nice.
We break ourselves down to the point of believing that we are the ones at fault. We will continue making excuses for these people because we are just as broken as them. Craving their attention and wondering why they do not want us back in their lives.
Learning that you have to fall in love with your own words is something not even I have learned yet because the words on the page cannot hurt you, but you can grow from them.
You cannot grow from the teenage boy that you created a jigsaw puzzle out of yourself for just so you could fit his fantasies. The boy that you created a meadow of flowers for when he preferred peaches.
Men always prefer peaches
Though I am not a peach nor can I provide them with my small, pale hands I can provide you guaranteed love and happiness for as long as you’d like.
You become my love story that I can throw on the page when I need it. The one thing you provided me. You provided me eternal feelings that I’ve never felt.
We forever strive to somehow immortal ourselves to manifest peaches from our hands so we no longer feel the hurt that we do and they will willingly return to us and color our empty void. But we cannot. So we continue to damage ourselves further by going back to the ones that have hurt us.

Eyes of blue
Hearts of red
You loved me
Or at least you said you did.

Believe your friends
They can see the toxicity of a human being like no one else
No matter how many times you go over to his house
andyourhandareinhishair
andhishandsaretravelingdownyourback­
andyourlipsareagainsthis
Your friends watch as your cry every night because the only thing he's good at is disappointing you
Leave Him
Ladies we are much too strong to be a part of the male agenda.
We are smart with bright *** futures that will blow everyone else out of the water
We are stronger than our abusers and we will get through this pain and this suffering
We will overcome and we will revolt
We will find love that deserves us if we should do want it
But a man's attention does not determine our worth nor does it effect our confidence
WE ARE STRONG

I find myself on concrete ground in the pouring rain
I find my lifeless body lying on the cold wet pavement stripped of dignity
Stripped of pride
Stripped of hope
Organs scattered about on the ground with some missing because
honestly,why would I need them?
Why can’t others just take what they need from the Jane Doe in the pouring rain?
She’s not using them
No blood can be found simply because bleeding is feeling and I’ve been numb for months
In its place you see the striking confidence mixed with the everlasting wit flooding out among strands of ***** blonde hair slipping away with the rain to its final resting place far far away from my lifeless corpse
I find myself wearing all white and semi-holding a small white flag to counteract with your many red ones that I just began noticing
They were in your actions
They were in your dialect
They were in your lingering glances
Flags of bright crimson and ones the color of sweet wine forever in the hands that at one point fit so well with mine
I gave in to the storm
I let the hurt surround me like as if I am the eye of the hurricane and the world is consuming me whole
But you’re safest in the eye of the storm
Watching all the black and grey swarm around you as it destroys the innocent earth

Maybe I’ve always been the eye and I am now drifting into the storm itself?

We were in your dad’s truck. I am so endlessly in awe with you. I am putty in your hands and thought nothing of the vehicle. It was then I remembered that I hadn’t been in a truck since my father. The man behind all of my trauma.

I was wearing my sunglasses and lip syncing to Weezer with your brother in the back, no one would know about the tears streaming down my face as I remembered the abuse and the sleepless nights caused by a white pickup truck and a tall man that gave me my blood type.

No one but me will know the terror I felt as he ran red lights with rage. No one would know the pain in my legs and arms as he dragged me out of the truck and onto the hot pavement on a sunny day.

Your golden smile as you sang your favorite songs offkey (because you know it makes me fall for you more) couldn’t distract me from the flashbacks. No one can calm my busy mind, not even a boy with blue eyes that gives you his heart. You will only know love from the man that showed you nothing but pain.

I did the best that I could do
The ball is now in their court
One cannot simply force leadership on someone
Nor can you force change on one
They must grow on their own.

Self care is leaving

Its leaving the boy that doesn't know how to not hurt your feelings and cannot care less that he did. It's knowing that the second you do leave so many people will look down upon you. So many disappointed in you for breaking his heart.

Self care is knowing

It's knowing that the boy that your zodiac signs match a whopping 12% with will not work. Its believing the stars and putting your faith in them since your faith does not call to god. Its hoping that the boy you match with 99% will be better.

Self care is running

Running into the new boy’s arms that you fell so endlessly for. The one that always sneaks a kiss. The one that always makes time for you even though you have one of the busiest schedules in the world.

My mind is at war with my actions
Running and running
Dodging mines at every turn desperately trying to keep you happy knowing that one wrong step I will explode into tiny bits and pieces,
amounting to nothing as I once did
My heavy boots I pick up with every step I take knowing when I get to you I will regain your trust for the evening
Shooting me down each night in every ***** of my body with your hateful words knowing that your country will win the war in my head and I will forever lose
Falling asleep each night with fear that someone else could take my place
Knowing that your ego could fill the entire desert
My blood pours out of my body as my words do on the page describing what hell I am experiencing being under your command and how I desperately need out

But you cannot just simply
leave the war.

you say that the zodiac means nothing, but you have not seen the toxinity of two star signs that should have never collided.
a toxic relationship. it begins with their happiness depending on you. your smile fueling their existance into the night and hopes of seeing it in the morning. their aura consisting of depths of neverending black, you drown yourself in. their black swepted hair matching perfectly with their blues eyes of sadness. it continues with your sadness matching yours, two people barely hanging on to the world. you find yourself wondering why you are wasting your time with a 12% chance.

Pushing you up against the nearest wall with the devil in my eyes
Kissing your lips and your neck
You forgetting your name
Quiet moans that I take from you
Sliding your hands up and down my body as you kiss me back just as passionately
You miss her
Forget your ex
I’m here with you in the moment  
Forget your religion
God can’t save you from the demon possessing me
All you want is me and I consume all of your thoughts
It’s not love but it’s close enough.

With the world crumbling we pick this time to fall in love.
Oh my love, You choose when the wildfires are burning and the murders of educators are happening. Diverting my focus and throwing me off track when you know where my passion lies. My beautiful distraction. My love, my only. Though I promise for only one more night will I let you rule my mind.

I am a broken soul wandering aimlessly
For I am sorry if you cross my path
Thinking,
Believing
That you are my one and only
Oh my are you so wrong
My heart is in seven different places
Who knows where it will end up at the end of the night?

Through time I began to notice that the phone calls got shorter. That the texts became more vague. I saw the ocean between us pry us apart and take my heart out to shore with it. With her long blonde hair and striking personality i watched your eyes fall in love with the ocean and forget about me. I watched you admire her through all of her tides and waves. I watched the ocean lure you in so far that you began to drown. You were gasping for air and i watched from the shore unable to figure out what was happening. I watched as the lifeguards desperately try to find you in the water unable to locate your water-filled body. I saw your floating corpse out in the sea and lost track of where the ocean took you.

I broke you
I Shattered
What was left of your cold heart.
How?

Well I simply made you believe that you were amazing, astonishing, capable of love. Capable of being a lover when your parents failed to show you. I fooled you into thinking that I was flawless, it is a talent of mine. A depressed man I found you, one filled with joy I made you, and left you a broken man with a manipulated heart.

I snatched your heart and kept it in my hand. A slippery one it was because I struggled to hold it day by day. I put it in my pocket when my hands got nervous and sweaty. It was pounding and breaking my concentration throughout the day. Racing, one million beats a millisecond.

But with anything, humanity gets tired of holding on to nice things. So I did what any cold hearted soul would do, I dropped it. Wait no. It slipped. Hold on no let me recall that day. Oh that’s right; I threw it.

Down it went, pieces were scattered all over the road and I watched the rain come and wash the entirety of it down the nearest sewage drain.

I then watched you in tears, desperately trying to put them back together. Your tears creating a river that was washing the pieces down the drain. My dear shouldn’t you be able to do this quicker? You’ve done it once before.