Stretch me out and count me like clouds
Say she is vapour
Venom, velvet and vermouth
With hair of hazelnut rapture
Clutch the moments, clutch the moonbeams
Clutch the stretched out skies of cloud and mustard gas sunset
Sing she is a child of trauma
Supressed in the name of breathing
Violence in the name of skin
And she is venom, velvet and vermouth
She was born to pink salt lakes in the low country
With ruby pomegranate eyes
And hair of hazelnut rapture
Girl with the soul of a thousand pilgrim journeys
Girl with the soul of a blackberry bush
Girl with the soul of olive trees and sheep meat and oven bread in the fire country
Human smiles
And other dark things of value
She lies like velvet
She lies in the name of supressing traumas
In the name of breathing
She bleeds like a billion stars bleed vapour
She is venom and vermouth
With hair of hazelnut rapture
She is the sum of a thousand pilgrim journeys
The prayer of holy rivers in the canyon country
The smoke of incense burned by sages
The scars of bodies burned by crusaders in mustard gas chambers
Goddess of Nuclear energies
Red-eyed like ruby pomegranates
Like the dewy cauldron of morning
When tenuous steps lead bodies down the path of executionary revolution
To boarders, frontiers, walls of white-skin scar tissue
Sing songs of Babylon in the free country
Clutch the moments
Clutch your breaths and hold them in broken palms
Clutch the tides and teach them
Breach your rib-cage, unstitch and return the borrowed bones
Melt the metaphoric thrones
Breathe backwards in the name of unsupressing traumas
In the name of truth
Stretch me out and count me like clouds
Girl of angel-breath ambition
Soul of blackberry bush and smile of splintered terracotta tile
Sing your songs
Say she is vapour

i am not beauti-
ful but I am free and that
is so much better

I'm tired
Tired of the silent books
Of all the empty looks
Hearts searching for freedom
Brains saying "not today"
Our bodies used to pain
The more we walk
The more we fail
Pretending we don't care
But I know
you're killing your brain
Feeling so close to scream
Go on it's not a shame
Try it this time
Try the one you won't ever say
Lie on the rails
Light a cigarette
Forget about aims
Run till you feel breathless
Now you know the happiness
Without money, pain
Without steps, faith
All you need is to say
"Yes, let's run away."

if energy cannot be destroyed or created,
than we have always existed
and we will always exist.

this is both a comforting and terrifying understanding of forever.

i believe in you and i believe that the world stops and breathes for a moment once every july and i believe that the pictures tucked between my journals pages can sum me up better than these words and i believe that you are my favorite place to visit and i believe if you listen really hard at the top of a ferris wheel you can hear God whispering lullabies and i believe that the valentines we made as children are the most authentic and i believe that you taught me how to feel again and i believe the later at night it gets the more restless the soul becomes and i believe that i will find you within myself if i look hard enough and i believe that your heart beat is the prettiest music and i believe that you are not everything i always wanted, but what I need now.

don't kiss me in the rain
the cool drops of water
remind me of the tears i shed
when i thought you'd never return
so please, don't kiss me in the rain

don't kiss me in the sunlight
it's shimmering rays
remind me of the light you radiated
when you spoke the words
'i love you'
and i was too scared to mutter them back
so please, don't kiss me in the sunlight

don't kiss me in the shadows
the crawling darkness
reminds me of the dark hands strangling me
when i tried to keep my depression a secret
so please, don't kiss me in the shadows

don't kiss me beneath the moon
it's brilliant contrast from the dark night sky
reminds me of how small and alone we are
and how alone i'd be without you
so please, don't kiss me beneath the moon

don't kiss me under the old oak tree
there were lovers once hung here
and souls that weeped from pain
their memories perpetrating our beings
almost making me wish
i had never met you at all
so please
just don't kiss me at all

your fingers would tiptoe across my palms, and it made me feel alive.

the first time you touched me, i figured out what the purpose of butterflies really were.
the first time you touched me, i almost believed you were trying to create an army of them,
    that they were going to break down the maze inside my head
    that i would become some disgustingly lovesick drone

i don’t know why i ever doubted myself

the butterflies don’t visit me anymore,
they’ve done their job.

my feelings are neutralised.
my body is numb.
and you hold me like the touch of another would contaminate me.
your embrace is a cage,
but one i have built myself.