I never expected this.
Never knew she had the capability.
To understand other's feelings,
I believed she'd never try to get me,
But for once, she thought of me.
A trait previously inept for her,
Now seems to make it's way to the stage.
Posting images to me that she thinks I'll enjoy,
One with a cute cat watch,
One of shirts my favorite hue.
Her newest love has her starstruck,
I doubt it'll last,
though I wish it would.
She is finally pleasant to speak to,
I had to put up a mask of a loving, jovial daughter,
When really, speaking to her made me sick.
Now she shares her happiness with me.
She finally understands some of the things I like.
19 years have passed,
But she's making the effort.
Her new love speaks to me,
Wishing to meet me,
A rare trait within her selection.
Fingers crossed,
Hope once more visible,
I wish this may last.
So sick of hoping,
So bored of her drama,
Done with the disappointment,
I once more foolishly yearn for things to end differently.

First, we color life,
full of our shadows,
our life
Our every moment,
our every truth.
Next, we take away the obvious,
making the shadows show was is missing,
Then, make these into shapes of all sizes,
maybe enlarging one or two,
and maybe shrinking this or that.
That is the abstraction of our lives,
To show the meaning that hides behind that smile,
why we do what we do.
Maybe the motiff of your life;
is death,
maybe love.
Or Loss,
Or gain.
After the abstraction, what is left behind?
What do the shadows create in your life?

Each Valentine's day,
as kindness blooms in the air,
and couples gather,
I write and draw valentines,
for friends, for family, for classmates,
and anyone who wants one,
Cards were given to those of importance of others,
by assistance of the school,
and given the title; Candy Grams,
These caring cards I've received a few times;
a couple from friends, and two whose authors are unknown,
The first appeared in eighth grade, a candy attached to the name:
From: your lost love
The second was given to me on this valentines day, my junior year stating:
From: cupid
tears overflow as I take in these cards,
their reasons various, as thoughts collide;
"I can't believe someone would give me this"
"some one must be pulling a prank on me"
"Maybe a teacher sent it to be nice"
so many possibilities, but one truth remains.
I'm so grateful someone would give me a candy gram.
and so, I hope everyone has an amazing valentines day!!!
<3 (//^//.//^//) <3
My favorite day of the year!

I like them,
I don't like them.
Their a good friend,
Could they be a little more than that?
Ah,
the petals of a daisy,
could never solve my hearts dispute.

A light flickers inside the cavern of my chest,
A space never quite empty,
But never quite full,
As if treasures sat in my stomach,
But never reached my lungs.
Yet this light tries to fill the darkness,
And with it,
a warmth invades my thoughts.
A dragon lives inside me,
guarding the jewels in my kidneys,
and he makes his rounds through my heart.
Never once did I imagine that a thief could return to me,
What a loved one stole.
And yet,
My dragon sighs,
asking for me to wait.
When will this light shine so bright that it cannot be hidden through flesh,
And I,
a lovely flashlight will become your beckon?

The moon shimmered,
a light at the bottom of a dark pool.
It's darkness lingered,
shallowing the nearby objects,
blurring them as it gorged on it's late night snack.
The trees bent towards the path,
Some branches being illuminated,
some already a part of the feast.
The wind caressed her hair,
as she made her way home in the dim lamp light.
A cold fall night had captured her interest.

I swear my thoughts are out flying on a cloud,
Watching the leaves plummet to the ground.
Dancing before fall turns to winter.
Their colors match my vivid heart,
So full of happiness.
It sings the notes,
Creating a chorus,
To fit the choreography of the leaves.

She grew angry,
it wasn't for the first time.
She speaks her mind,
her mouth a fountain when she thinks somethings unjust.
Maybe she didn't realize you were busy,
maybe she was stressed,
Regardless of why,
She was angry.
Angry because I told her I text too much,
saying that that's impossible when your in a relationship.
Angry that I was moping after the dance,
and unable to put on a smile.
Angry that you were busy and didn't say bye to me,
Or let me know where you were headed.
I told her it was no big deal,
that you've been stressed,
that you've been busy.
But she seems so worried for me.
Though she really doesn't need to.
I understand what went on,
and I used to such things.
Maybe I was upset too,
maybe I cried,
but that seems to have become a normality that I can't escape.
I'm used to so much worse,
Being ignored,
Being teasing,
hated,
a misfit,
I'm used to them all,
So why can't I get used to not being with you?
To the point of my eyes welling up with tears?
I thought I lost them all,
That they shriveled away when he left me.
And yet,
here I am again.
Balling my eyes out,
but this time,
for no reason to be found.

Am I only in love with the idea of romance?
Am I not truely puzzled over feelings fueled by you?
That doesn't seem to fit.
When I see you,
I don't image the future,
or what could await.
Instead I hold onto your smile,
and the way your cheerfulness lights up a room.
If only the concept of romance was enough,
wouldn't dating sims and manga suffice?
But instead I look to your kind and sweet personality,
and the way you care about your friends.
Your looks could mean less,
But it's your personality that I hold so dear.
So no,
I do not believe I have fallen for you only to fall for someone,
but because you are you.

All Hanshin Kyojin,
That's what we are.
I never imagined I'd one day have my very own Otani.
But somehow it seems so fitting,
That my favorite manga,
Could become my reality.
And like Risa told Otani,
I'll now tell you,
Whenever I see you,
"You make me fall in love all over again."

They decided to join a circus,
and such a maddening circus it was,
people of all kinds joined the act,
the clowns who only want to laugh at her
and they show her how to dress like a true fool,
The diva who shown two faces;
one was kind and a true friend,
the other,
was a popular who was too good to be seen with her,
Such a maddening circus,
that could make any one go insane,
The ringmaster gives a smile that latches over half his face,
as he looks down at his puppets,
strings forced her to play his game,
The lion-tamer who forced her to jump through his hoops,
laughed as he always got his way,
A magician girl ran into a wooden ship,
only to disappear from sight,
such a maddening act,
that left her to fall onto her knees,
her first friend gone within a single day,
A fight roared from one of the ring's
She fought a mighty Tiger,
who always swiped at her,
the claw marks she held,
only helped the insanity seep farther,
Such a distorted circus,
Now the ringmaster turned to the audience,
but not a single member is found,
It appears the girl has went insane
from such a maddening performance;
a performance called life

Shards of memories,
Fragments of myself.
Were I to lose these, could I ever by myself?
Each memory, each object in my life, each person I have encountered.
They have their story; a special place in my heart.
I could never bare parting with them, emptiness would envelope my mind.
If one day I awoke,
mind blank, and naive of myself,
the me now wouldn't be able  to even imagine;
life without my talents, these precious memories, the close relationships with my friends and family. If I lost these cherished moments that make life worth living, I would cease to exist.
If my reasons for happiness, sadness, shyness, and kindness disappeared; I would leave with them.

*If I ever lose my memories, I'd lose myself

The blossoms fell,
for their first time in years.
The need had vanished, almost as though it was never there.
However it's traces remained.
The music that reminded her of the pain and heartbreak,
the poetry that could force those times into memory,
The thousands of tears shed for his well being.
Finally she felt their weight lighten.
A new life,
A new beginning.
She has felt moments like these before.
Small glances of times where her pain fluctuated from unbearable to dissipated.
She realizes her first love will always hold an important part of her heart,
but peace will slowly make it's way back,
These restful moments in life never fail to remind her that.
Loneliness is a hurtful emotion that grew at her very roots,
it easies itself into every tear,
every crack,
And it may always be this way,
but time heals,
or so they say.
She just may need more than most.

Isn't it strange?
How a person has a feeling about them?
How a place holds a certain glow?
Every place you visit, every person you meet will have this sense about them.
A feeling you get from just that person, or just that place.
It's as if someone had painted it in a certain hue,
only recognizable to you.
No one will replicate how you see it,
Nor will they sense the place in quite the same way as you.
Yet doesn't everyone feel this way about places and people?
Or could I just be over thinking it once again?

Passing quickly goes the hands of the clock,
bringing me closer to the day.
She hates this day,
the day she swears she was tricked,
her child being torn from her,
but that's not true.
For the babe would've died in her arms years ago.
But for me,
This upcoming day represents compassion,
empathy for others,
and now comes to symbolize the ever growing love that blossoms in my heart.
It was the day when I did not receive many cards or candy from classmates,
But instead drew home-made cards and handed out candy to everyone so in turn they would not go without.
It represents my love of everything romantic,
and a fleeing of the lonely forces,
that was once all I knew.
With each passing year this date comes to mean so many wonderful things,
And each year easily out dos the previous,
and so I welcome with outstretched arms my first Valentine's Day in a relationship.

It's an unfair advantage,
Those who can hide away their feelings,
And drop them down the well.
Those whose feelings shine through even the darkest crevice,
They are hurt the most.
Why do we shed our tears,
When society looks upon us with a displeasing stare?
Why do we swallow our anger,
Shrug off our discomfort,
But drown in our tears.
Why do we honestly hold our feelings,
Before our worst fears?
And await the scoffing punishment
For baring our hearts
For all to see.

I'm fearful,
I'm shy,
a church mouse as someone once put it.
A quiet being waiting for my life to appear before my eyes.
I take no risks.
I play it safe.
And yet ....
My reflection shows another side.
Do you see it?
The outgoing me whose too loud,
speaks too much,
and likes to laugh and joke around?
She exists.
There was a time she showed herself more often,
and perhaps she will again.
But for now,
the quiet reflection gazes back.

me - a princess trapped in loneliness,
A tower built over the years,
unable to escape my sorrow.
You - a knight in shining armor,
breaking these walls,
and in turn allowing my escape.
We flee from dragons,
spewing flames of hatred,
Form Sirens,
singing lies & deception,
From creatures created only in my nightmares.
But I don't want to be nothing more than a weak princess,
For you shelter and protect me,
I appreciate all you've done,
but now I must become my own knight,
not as to leave you behind,
or allowing your swordsmanship to become unnecessary,
But so I can be equal to you,
fighting both your & my inner demons together.
To shelter you as much as you shelter me.
To protect you as much as you protect me.
I will not standby any longer - a worthless princess,
but begin to learn how to wield my own blade.

I saw something new,
flickering within you.
I felt something new,
Slowly burning within me.
That time he called me sweet-cheeks,
and you got so defensive,
to the point of holding me protectively.
Your embarrassingly cute questions,
over whether or not flirting with party members,
is something D & D could allow.
Just sitting beside you,
drives my mind wild,
and our conversations speed my heart rate.
The time we shared during our first slow dance,
The dance recital you ventured to with me,
all these little glimmers of happiness,
I'll keep tucked away.
In a special box overflowing with joy.

How could someone trust so easily, only for mistrust to grow,
how could my happiness sprout, only for the sapling to wither,
How could anyone laugh so much, be shown so much kindness, only for it to fall into deep sorrow,
how could anyone hide a lie so easily,
"I love you"'s that now fall on depth ears.
I thought you were special,
I thought we were happy,
so how could something so trivial pull us apart?
It was your decision, they can't rule your heart.
Why does my heart fall so easily, only to ever be crushed.
A summer's love is fleeting, and meaningless,
and so I have to say goodbye, after all, this is what you wanted.

What aberration would cause:

Someone to attend to such foul play,
As the annihilation that would pause
a life, one filled with the air their being draws.

What aggravation could possibly stray,
A sound mind into transgressing a written clause
Of which all human life agreed to in our laws.

What Delusion would bring someone to slay
Another human being, meeting the jaws
-Of death, as their heart is transfixed by claws,

Seeking to steal their life, unafraid to disobey
And attempt to take away the life of a young fraus.
This crime can not be mended by gauze,

Instead, on the heart it will surely weigh,
Until it infects the perpetrator and gnaws
Picking on every grain, every haws,

Til it unravels and will portray
The nightmare within, the criminal withdraws
From their sanity, only to begin a constant stream of guffaws.

These thoughts of mine you see,
Are not mine to keep,
Hidden away under lock and key,
When read, they slither and creep,

Into the hearts of those who eyes have darted through the words,
This emotion I hide away is universal,
Everyone feels the same at a time i their life, from hero's to cowards.
They are prisoners of one mind, but put on repeat through rehearsal.
They echo through eternity, understood by all.
Unable to be contained, they dance through the heart, hoping to find lingering pieces to enthrall.
Only to pierce through, thrown like a dart.
This is how poet's can change your view,
or rap themselves around your heart, and now I wish you adieu.

Roses, petals,
Golds and silvers,
glitter, diamonds,
Laughs and giggles.
Everything you are.
Happiness and my joy.
Spite, torment,
Backstabbing and hate,
Judgement, sorrow,
Tears and agony,
Drama, pain.
How they treat us.
I'm so sorry.
I never hoped that they could be so cruel.
My own family is ganged against me.
I knew they did not support me,
That they can't even be happy for me.
But to go as far as talking behind my back?
Why do they want this for me?
Why would they stab a wound into their own family?
I never wanted for you to get hurt,
I hoped that they would just relent,
And leave me be.
My decision not theirs.
Because you are my happiness.
The cause for my sorrow to turn to joy.
Yet they wish I had never found the happiness you give to me.
Those who I believed would never turn on me.

Why is it so unattainable?
Were you to play a piano,
it's beauty is in the melody,
not she who plays it's keys.
Were you an artist,
the beauty of the piece is created from your own hands after molding it into form.
Were you a dancer,
the beauty resides in the motions of the dance,
created from your own skills.
Were you a poet,
your pen forms the beauty word by word,
letter by letter.
So why is beauty so unattainable?
The truth is
**it is

They say beauty is fleeting,
and I couldn't agree more,
but the beauty of the heart is eternal.
One could never fall in love for looks,
that's so clique,
and should not be considered true love,
But your personality drew me closer to you.
Your smile never fails to dazzle me,
your laugh is always charming.
Such a sweet outgoing soul
That has captured my heart.

With each goodbye comes tears,
Not because the time shared was sad,
Nor unvalued, but
With each goodbye comes tears,
Because every fleeting moment,
Was one more minute we could've shared.
With each goodbye comes tears,
Because a piece of me is left behind,
Within our shared memories.
With each goodbye comes tears,
Because our time together has passed,
And now I must wait to see you again.
With each goodbye comes tears,
Because patience is not my virtue.
With each goodbye comes tears,
Because I love you more than I could ever know.

All I had ever seen was pitch darkness.
There was no light,
no conture.
Nothing.
Just blackness.
I had no hopes,
no dreams,
no aspirations.
I was just ... there.
But a light dwelled within my very soul,
it grew each day.
Shining brighter than the last.
Until it became powerful enough that it needed to escape the darkness.
And so I let it leave.
I lifted my finger and began to trace,
shapes and images first.
The light would seep through my finger,
creating the image before vanishing.
I continued,
it filled my days with more than bleak nothingness,
and soon I fell in love with this.
I drew anything and everything,
I write poems, and stories that lasted for mere seconds.
I began to want more than the darkness and wished to escape.
It's shadows heard my soul's plea.
Working to drown me from my desire,
It only grew and manifested more and more.
Sick of my prison,
I tore through the darkness,
seeking the light.
There I found a world in which my creations could last an eternity.

When we think of a broken heart,
We believe the pieces must have been shattered by a crush or ex.
What of the mother who was never there for you?
Who brings new drama into light with the passing of each day?
What of the days she promises to see you dance,
but when the curtains rise,
she's no where to be seen?
The mother who gave a teenager Winnie the Poo toys,
And refuses to listen to your advice
because you'll aways only be her babygirl
but not really .. because she'll never drop what she's doing to see you.
But not truly because you are not her sun,
nor are you of importance to her.
You are simply the product of a bad night with the wrong person.
That invisible daughter who lives somewhere else.
She will never drive over to see you,
It will be on her terms,
or never.
But that's fine.
Your used to it.
Loneliness is how you grew up.
Floating in a bubble of love from your adoptive parents,
who though they try their hardness,
can never fill the empty space your mother made when she left you.
And that's life.
It can be disappointing and cruel.
You just need to keep walking and be okay.
'Sweeping life under the rug'
Until you can't fit any more under,
and your covered heart must react,
and so you take it out on those around you.
A sister who loved you and cares for you,
thrown to the ground.
Hurting those who you would never want to,
Until it eats you alive to the point of seeking help.
And yet, she will never change.
Broken hearts can come from broken families.

He had thrown a sledge hammer into my heart,
shattered fragments he had expected me to put back together.
He found someone prettier who he grew to have feelings for.
I admit I can miss his smile, his humor, and just who he was; but I recognized it was the past and moved on.
I glued the pieces in place, and moved onto a better future.
Someone new came along,
A short summer romance stirred.
Our conversations made me laugh endlessly,
our train of thought so similar in likeness.
it breathed some life back into my numb heart.
But just as a cherry blossom, it soon fell away.
His fingers pried at my newly mended glass,
they reached and pulled it apart at the seems.
Once again my heart broke,
but  this ache was not unexplored,
my tears refused to fall.
My ruined heart, how could anyone love you?
Could they ever see you as a lovely mosaic,
a creation of loving too deeply?

I have highs and lows.
I've been told this.
More so than most.
One moment could starkly contrast the next,
as I move from joy to sorrow,
from happiness to gloom.
I've swept issues under the rug,
my heart being buried alive
by their dark comments.
and things that happened to me as a child.
I refused to cry,
to let others know,
and so the dust grew and grew over my heart,
until it was buried alive.
And now that poor soul weeps,
at the most random of times.
Over an ice-cream cone gone awry,
or stupid instances.
Anger pounds it's way to where it doesn't belong,
being taken out on those it never should've touched,
a misplaced frustration,
screaming out from the buried heart.
Buried beneath the weight of low self esteem.

Repression,
that's all I need.
To repress this storm that's echoing within.
To keep it's winds at bay,
To act as if I don't see it looming beside me.
To halt these feelings and just keep living,
see where that will bring me.

I wish to have the capabilities of a butterfly.
To leave an empty shell and fly far away.
I do not mean to traverse space,
I do not mean to flee home.
I simply seek to remove the shell of my past,
and to leave this bitter cage.
I know I'm not trapped,
There are no bars to keep me in,
It's a mentality.
It should be easy to take off and fly.
But this caterpillar is stuck munching it's leaf,
rather than to seek new heights.

I am capable,
Of many things.
Of using large words,
To tell you that your excuse was nothing more than a confabulation,
Or how ominous the sky is at night,
especially when your alone.
I am capable,
Of
Making you smile when things havent went your way,
Or lending my ear to those in need,
I'm capable of drawing you,
in a series of words,
to express the aura you give me.
I'm capable of wearing lace and ribbons,
Or being clumsy and cute.

But

I am Capable,
of Many things.
My words become daggers,
piercing your skin,
I slide them down,
Only to watch the red drip from your spine.

I am capable of ******,
If only I could find a way,
in an arsenal of possibilities.
but I'd rather not.

I am capable,
of tricking you into trust,
Only to tell your deepest secrets,
and watch as your world falls.

I am capable,
of ripping my own heart to shreds,
and I have on many occasions.

I am capable,
Of many things.
Do not underestimate me.

Children of the lost,
you shall gather by my side,
hear these words for you.
The lost will reman lost,
their hope is forever gone.
Darkness has overcome their light,
and they will never seek it again.
You hold within you a beacon,
a chance bestowed upon only you,
use their darkness to lead yourself to the light,
learn from their mistakes.
You are not a monster,
nor empty screams fated to never be heard.
I find myself stuck within the realms of my own darkness,
but find light in this and travel to safety.
For it is something only you may do.

Isn't a ballerina supposed to be graceful, dainty, and special?
Isn't their something gorgeous in her steps?
Even a jazz dancer has beauty,
Dance is grace,
dance is beauty,
all wrapped into movement,
I am a dancer;
I've taken ballet and jazz,
I love to dance,
but ...
I'm a dancer you can't trust around glass or fragile trinkets,
A dancer who crashes into tables and chairs,
a dancer whose very name means grace,
but when the curtains are closed and the dance has ended;
I'm the clumsiest girl you will probably ever meet.

This heat pulsates through my veins,
rushing through my being.
A wind blows through my hair,
unable to retrieve the coolness in it's grasp.
Rather, it scorches the air instead.
A sip of fruity drink,
it's coolness washing away the heat that penetrated me.
This splash of mango re-animates a flushed cheek back to life.
This desert transitions into a tropical beach for one more moment...
and then, the heat
will rise again.