On the bed besides me it was cold last night,
I dreamt of waking with you,
A dream that felt so right,
The loneliness inside with the darkness grew,
The loneliness without you that I now come to fear,
Wish you were here...

The solitary walks on the beach,
The ghosts if your footsteps besides me haunt my imagination,
The warmth of the sunset beyond my reach,
For you I die every moment, my aching heart the indication,
Please don't let this end in a tear,
Wish you were here

On Monday I started to write a song,
The afternoon spent lazing around,
Memories of the Sunday night,
Like a hangover hanging around,
I close my eyes for a moment,

As I always feel the day slipping away,
Before I know it Tuesday is on,
I start to put down words,
But the end won’t come to my mind,

And I know the day is slipping away
For Wednesday has come now,
I feel the wakening of the doer inside of me,
I sit down with my pen and paper,
With the t.v. switched on besides me,

Oh I know the day has slipped away,
Now at the centre of the week I’m on Thursday,
I start for one last time,
But I know I won’t finish for the next 2 days,

And I wrote dad a dum da beep pada,
And I’m not surprised for the day has slipped away,
And I begin my weekend on the Friday,
Hanging around my incomplete song,
Just 5 words on the paper,
My head is spinning around,

And floating through time I’m onto the next one,
Its Saturday night I’m partying hard,
Not hard enough for my song undone is weighing me down,
I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about it,
So I try not to think just loose myself in the sound

As I dance to Sunday morning I,
I sleep from sun up to sun down,
Sunday night I’m roaming around,
I know tomorrow’s a new day,
I’m gonna finish that song,

Monday morning, I’m writing a song,
The afternoon spent lazing around,
Memories of the Sunday night,
Like a hangover hanging around,
I close my eyes for a moment,
My life’s slipped past when my eyes were shut,
Now I’ve forgotten what I was writing about,
Back to the start I don’t have another chance,
I curse life, for when I stopped it kept moving on.

I.

The colours drain out,
What stayed behind was black and white
Nothing in between, the two extremes,
Purity of white, darkness of black,
The two pure shades.
Of all the things I saw in their vision,
Nothing perfectly seemed right in place.
I forgot that nothing here was so extreme,
No one or thing was a whole of black or white,
That the world is but a shade of grey.

II.

Those people brought in a sense of belonging to me,
And in them I see colour again,
The reds of love and hate,
The blues of peace and sadness,
The greens of pleasantness and riches,
The yellows of brightness and smiles.
The white and the black influenced now my perception of it,
With the pleasant mixes of the colours themselves,
And under the blue sky and the brown earth,
I see the world as an ever evolving piece of art.

It was cold city night,
The hours with sounds dying,
It seemed life had escaped,
To the other side of the world,
I rocked for hours with my child in my hands,
I dreamt about her life to come,
Like I often did,
A little eased at the fever subsided.
As I slipped into the clutches of sweet slumber,
My head slumped down,
In what seemed like a blink of an eye,
My head swung up to search the sky,
Where the gold of the sun
Seemed to chase away the night,
But there was something not right,
The morning seemed to bring a sense of change,
Not of the good kind.
As I felt my child, burning up like the coming sun,
I hurried my way to the physician,
Like a saint he answered to my prayer,
Asked me to wait behind while he tried to cure my life,
I never realized until he gave me the handkerchief,
That with my baby I’d been crying,
Her cries echoing foul against my ears,
I’m hurting as much on my helplessness
To take care of my child,
Who is part of my flesh,
Part of my being on the verge of...
Part of my being that I brought to life.
I began to sing to my baby a lullaby,
“Don’t cry my child, I’m here right by you,
For you I sing this lullaby, so you may fall asleep.
In the moonshine, your face glows,
You look like the princess
A queen you’ll grow up into,
Leave me someday for your king,
But till then be with me always,
Even when you learn to walk,
My child, so I can fulfill your wishes,
So you’ll remember me always,
So I can protect you till your king comes,
So I can teach you to walk and run.
Don’t cry, you make me cry too,
Sleep now my child, tomorrow
We’ll begin anew, for you’re alright,
This discomfort will pass… Oh look!
It’s already morn, the sun shines bright!
I see you’d fallen asleep,
While I kept dreaming on,
Open your eyes my child,
A new day has come.
As I finish, I realize that you stopped crying,
But to my plea, you never opened your eyes.

I know you don’t want me to go,
I’m afraid too you know,
It feels like I am leaving you alone,
Don’t weep after me,
You make me cry too,
If it helps to know,
I’m not afraid of dying,
Just afraid of losing you,
I can’t shake off that feeling of regret,
One where I wish to give you more time,
May be, just one more day,
One more life,
So we can do all the things we promised ourselves,
To be together, so I can say I all I ever wanted,
You know I can never leave you when you need me,
Call out to me so I can stay,
All the things that hurt now don’t mean a thing,
But it’s just the nature of things,
Never wonder what is on the other side,
It is irrelevant without you,
I hope you won’t feel the same about life,
When I’m there missing you,
I will still be with you,
Right here in memory,
I will still fly with the birds,
When they feed off the earth that once made me,
It’s not the same, I know,
I’ll wait for you to come join me,
Hold my hand till then,
When I fly I’ll take you with me.
Goodbye my love, please don’t forget me,
Forever together we will exist in death,
When I am stranded alone I know,
You will come rescue me.

Eyes opened to a new world,
Limbs moving in excitement of life,
Light, it feels so good,
It feels good to feel,
This world around,
What is old, what is new,
Nothing means anything,
Everything just is,
I am born.

The light shows me my makers,
The dark puts me to sleep,
I know not what fear is,
I know not what evil means,
Pure, impure, good, bad,
These words I am being taught,
I laugh when I am happy,
I cry when I am not,
Everything is so big,
So vast and open,
I don't need anything but my parents' love.

I grow up to learn all that I was not,
I am taught good, selflessness, love, happiness, patience,
By being shown what is bad, selfish, hatred and sadness, anger,
The world around me is made on the planet called earth,
Ignorant of the world outside,
What are friends, enemies? What is there to fight for?
I am a man, a being, I am given this existence,
I am given this world,
When did the world come to dominate me?

I have a child in my arms,
I wish to show him a free world,
I remember who I was when I was born,
Not a name, not a job, not a son, not a husband, not a friend, not afraid,
I knew not what fear was,
The world is mine to have,
Where it places me is irrelevant,
I am a being, in my birth I accept,
All that makes us human continues.

I’m trying hard to hear what you say,
But I’m busy being afraid that in every glance you make,
My racing heart be betrayed to you,
To you I’m hanging on,
I’m hanging on to your every word,
Cuz for you I’m falling,
I’m falling for you and getting crushed,
Where this will go in time, I don’t know,
I don’t know, in time if you’ll know, where I want us to go,
I don’t know if you’ll be mine,
Or I’ll let you forget there is a me you know

I found a box full of sound,
In the silence I heard it sing in my mind,
Your memory gave me a lot to hum about,
I will play for you something from my heart.

I fell for that basic human endeavor,
To find me a place where I made sense,
Living that sleepless dream of unreal desire,
Listening for songs where I belong,
On this tiny speck adrift in space I call home,
Quantifying the distances and spaces between us,
Past the horizon from me in all directions,
I found a way around the earth that led me back to you,
When I looked at you I was thinking, if only,
Then you looked into me and your eyes acknowledged,
I pointed to that future,
I said, let us get to us,
You said to wake me from my dream,
Indulging with me was a variability involving risk you were not willing to take,
For memory of a confused yes,
With lack of pictures with stories,
An unnamed story of yours, entangled with mine,
You became that forgotten part of my life that I can’t stop recollecting,
So I do what I did promise,
Till death, I will live my life.

Reflection of a million stars,
From shards of glass from a broken window,
Where the children lost their ball at play.

Look in the mirror,
That face is looking back at me,
Sure that face is what others see,
But inside is it someone else at times?
I’m left feeling like a spectator in my mind,
Feeling the world as it occurs around, disconnected,
Feeling who people refer to as is someone else, not me,
Feeling like a different person every few periods,
The habit controlling my body,
The conscious wondering what this foreign place could be,
Uncomfortable in my own skin,
I am left staring through the eyes of the person I’m supposed to be,
Meeting people, shaking hands,
Reacting as they might expect from who I am,
The person staring back at me from the mirror, is that me?
Alas I debate and conclude on who the person running this body could be.

I can’t seem to shut the noises in my head,
Replaying all the words said,
I’ve been trying hard to avoid it all
From the moment the fight began to the end,
But this friction is wearing me out,
It’s making me sad and crippled,
I feel like I am dying inside,
There is no safe place to be,
All these egos clashing,
All these talks of unfulfilled expectations,
Everyone wanting the other to be as per their definition,
The putting on of fake mask in front of you,
To hide what I want to say in fear of another riot,
Inside I fight myself to be what you expect,
Outside I act like what of me I feel other’s expect,
I’m a loser in the race of what people decide is best,
Of what people think is fun and what they think everyone should have.
I fear I’m not like metal, which bends to the smith’s will,
But I’m like glass, hard enough to sustain the weather,
But ready to break when the blow strikes.

Emerging from the tomorrow of yesterday,
In my world I reside today,
In life’s jungle I find my way,

Though sometimes the river is too wide,
To be the victor I stride,
Sometimes breaking the rules, sometimes I abide,

This is my world, it is my mess,
For I am the only King,
King of my Wilderness.

I can never be free as a bird,
The need for living would lead my flight.

I can never be free as a cloud,
The wind would lead me in the direction it flows.

I can never be free as a human,
Bound by the ethics, responsibilities, rules, laws.

I can never be free in my mind,
My experiences and opinions and agendas running my life

I can never be free in my imagination,
Desires of how things should be,
The things I want, would weigh me down.

In these words I am never free,
For the limit of my freedom lies in my free will,
It is whatever I want it to be.
Now I am Free.

I remember the time,
When it poured down,
Chasing away the brightness,
Chasing away the summer heat,
The time I desire solitude,
The gloomy afternoon,
The dark noisy nights,
The water hitting the roofs,
And hitting the streets,
Cars splashing in puddles,
Like kids playing in them,
Alas
The time is here again,
When I feel gloomy,
But complete again,
I walk out of my home,
Welcoming the clouds,
Embracing their gift to me,
And I close my eyes,
And tell myself quietly
The rains are here again.

From the time I fell for you,
I knew to me you meant something more,  
Like your every little thing I've come to adore,
By my side, you are a strength I lack alone,
Having known your grace,
Without you is all but an existence.
Of late I realise I tend to live in an illusion,
Like how I put you on a pedestal,
When all you wanted was to be by my side,
I regret to think I was wrong about being right,
I do keep hurting you, don't I?
This sparse acknowledgement you make of my existence,
Will always remind me to look before I fall again.

You know how at the horizon the sky and sea seem to meet?
All but an illusion, like us,
For you are the sky,
I am the sea,
The closer we get to us,
The farther we are out of reach,
We never meet.

Long the longing has ached you,
The waiting for that touch that caressed you,
The hug that held you,
To protect you from the world,
Even if it was no more than to hold you up,
To face the road ahead,
The shoulder that never gave you up,
Or maybe a hand to hold you warm,
Like a blanket in the cold of lonely nights,
The love that is yours even when you don’t belong to them,
Where every second spent with them will last you,
Till the lights go out.
You don’t know me,
But you will know,
If you have waited, like I have,
To hear these words.

Reminiscing what had been,
Of the times when by your eyes,
Only I was seen.

Never will I hold their attention, never again,
Never will I have that affection, ever again.

I wish I could change what we have come to be,
I wish we could still be us,
Not just you and me.

When I asked you how you were doing,
If you were well,
Your fake laughter belied everything,
Of the pain inside it did tell.

I see how hard you work to convince me,
But I see through the hypocrisy.

I wish I could still tell you everything is going to be okay,
I know this separation makes it harder for you every day.

I wish I could change what we have come to be,
I wish we could still be us,
Not just you and me.

I want to promise to build you a castle,
But there are no castles any more,
I want to make you my queen,
But the kingdoms are now countries,
I hoped to make you a house in the suburbs,
With fewer houses we move to urbanity,
Despite my complaints and empty ambitions,
Wherever life takes me, with you is my home.

The opening eyes of the infant flickered from here to there,
Taking in the world as it passed by,
The sapling grew into a tree in the blink of an eye,
People came and people went,
Memories of their ghosts with some others stayed behind,
The infant faintly recalled what the reflection he saw in the mirror looked like,
It saw the mirrors change with its reflection,
The people behind him grew older like it,
He began to forget things that had been,
But ghosts of his doings and things occurred haunting his mind,
And as came near the end of time,
It reflected upon who it had become.

It grows from the sight of you,
Simmering ever so slowly,
From a thought of you,
To the thought of without you,
When we were strangers,
Wonder if you were curious too,
Why this need to see you smile,
Why I don't know you but still,
I want your eyes to hold me,
Hold me like I would you,
Never understood what I haven't said,
But implied,
In your silence and lies I heard echoes in your head,
Never heard when I told you to trust me,
I guess how I cared you failed to see,
Making me just another figurine,
Dusting in your memory,
You taught me despite my tries,
You don't know me.

Thanks for the smiles,
Thanks for the laughs,
Thanks for the gifts,
Thanks for the special moments,
Thanks for the sorrows, I’m sorry for the ones I gave,
Thanks for the help,
Thanks for teaching me all I know,
Thanks for pushing me so I could get here,
Thanks for being my world,
Thanks for the memories,
I hope to cherish them in the afterlife,
Thanks for making my life precious, worth living,
Goodbye till I see you next time,
I hope to see you some day in another life.

I thought of writing you a letter,
One that spoke of my heart to you,
How with you things felt better,
Where to begin I didn’t have a clue.

I wondered of the sun and moon,
Of mountains majestic and waters blue,
Of the season where flowers bloom,
Of rains with their warmth in gloom.

None of them seem to say it right,
Of what my heart feels when you call to me,
The times you remind me of myself when I forget,
I realize like a fool I didn’t need all the mockery.

All I wanted to say was so simple,
When on the white I wrote in blue,
Nothing else said it better than the three oldest words,
I love you.

Sweet Sleep at Last
The wind blows hard,
The sky ripe.
The ground from under my feet disappears,
And I fall towards the blight.
The past flashes in front of my eyes,
Faded memories alike.
I fall from the heavens,
Seeing freedom below,
The ground just a barrier to cross,
Death just a toll booth.
The note that bid the world farewell for me
Now flies in the sky,
A few feet above the ground,
I see my final send off,
The world is a blur,
Color losing from the sky.
I had bid in my note,
Heavens witness my cremation,
That I be laid beneath the starry sky.
The world is a blur,
For the last time,
I close my eyes.

I know ma,
I don’t tell you ever,
How much I care,
I feel shy, sometimes scared,
If I could live up to you,
Wishing to undo those times,
When I hurt you,

You feel I refuse to grow up,
It’s because I wish not to,
Growing up would mean,
I would be independent,
Doing things for myself,
But I don’t know,
What I would do,
What I would be,
Without you

That’s why I have you wake me up,
Every day, in the morning,
Your face is the first I see,
The times you chide me,
For little things,
I know it’s alright,
Because you’re caring for me,
And I know I’m your child,
And I always will be

7 billion people on this stupid earth,
The one I want I can’t have,
Even as it keeps spinning making me dizzy,
I realize there is nothing I can say to keep you to me,
I can only say why I love you so much and do with,
Trying to keep count of every moment when in my head you’re in,
I wake up to the thought of you and smile,
As the morning sun blinds my eyes,
Between the times I talk to you and not,
When the big bulb shines bright,
Happens a disturbance called life,
The day slips away into the night as you’re in a dream,
Things not of you melt away,
I linger on the edge of sleep as your memories make my heart beat,
In the dark whispers sound in my sleep,
Each beat is born of something I love about you,
Heartbeats tell their stories of how you steal them from me,
They want you close so the stealing would stop,
So there can be new life in me.

I searched for you for a lifetime,
It felt like the impression of your being rested in my soul’s memory,
I never had to know you to know who you are,
But was it something of how I wanted it to be?
Was it just a figment of my imagination?
I feel my want for you put my senses in illusion,
Showed me colours in the world of grey,
Because I refused to see more than my desire,
I lived in my bubble of lies,
But the day when the price to pay came,
I finally told my heart what the rest of me knew,
That you were never mine to have,
You always belonged to someone else,
I will break my smile for some time,
Lock myself in a box and grieve,
Till the day come when I again learn to smile,
When I see you in another face,
And pretend I know her like I really knew you/And think I know her like I really knew you
Keep turning the pages despite the paper-cut

I know ma, on many things we don’t see eye to eye,
All that you've given me compares to nothing anyone else could give or buy for me,
For all your belief in me as a being,
You ever existing love despite the wrongs I did,
I know I tend to stray to wrong deeds,
But your determination to my life brings me back,
I know we've had our fights,
And I've learned in the end you’re always right,
I wish I could take back the times I made you cry,
Every time I did I died a little inside,
I hope today to be the person you know I will be one day,
To make you proud I lived the right way,
When I see you I know the world’s going to be alright,
Because whenever I fall, you’re always here to hold me,
Wipe my tears, and help me face Life.

She smiled to him,
He held her hand,
The day was ending,
Watching it end,
They lay in the sand.
Their eyes played hide and seek,
The moment being immortalized,
In their hearts and minds.

She looks at them,
They smile back,
She protects their world,
She lives to protect them.
Her children, her life,
She a mother, a wife,
While the cookies she made,
Hide and seek the children played,
Her perfect world,
Their childhood never pass.

Let’s play hide and seek tonight,
For the night is young and the stars are bright,
The world holds the outer pains,
But let them seek,
For together from the world we hide.

Such is the fate that defines,
I have all I need, not what I want,
I will still laugh it off,
Tell myself I’m not the only one lonely,
It happens to everyone sometime,
Then I feel to me it happens every other time,
Unable to hate everything despite being in silent misery,
I’m afraid I will get used to it,
Where the world doesn’t stop without you,
But it’s not the same as with you,
In glints of light I imagine your eyes sparkle,
But then everything I call beautiful,
Reminds me of you.

Made to wonder,
What I wanted of life,
What it wanted if me,
Wanting more is good,
Appreciating what is had is too.
Lost in thought of what will happen,
It may be contemplated upon,
Letting the thought control one is futile,
Time occurs as a series of wins and loses.
A mess of living things.
On the edge of remembrance,
A photograph I saw,
It brought back memories,
Memories, memories
Of a me who feels like someone else.
I know it was me,
So I try to trace myself,
Back to when I was
In this memory of light,
Following myself to now,
I find I was never lost.
Past, present future,
Love, loss, regret,
Hope, happiness,
Simple, it has been so simple.
Made to wonder,
You’ll find, you’ve been at your best place,
All that ever mattered was being content.

Wake up thinking it’s just another day,
I didn’t realize it’ll be all different,
Went on to exist in my bubble where things run wild in imagination,
But when I looked around I couldn’t see you anywhere,
And suddenly it became a regularly irregular day,
No matter how many times it happens,
I can never get used to the thought of the day without you in sight,
Truthfully, I miss you every moment without,
I’m afraid of saying it for I wonder if you’ll feel afraid,
Knowing how much you’re on my mind,
Instead I think when you’ll be back from the world outside,
Maybe you’ll tell me what adventures you had there,
What interesting people you met,
I’ll fumble with telling you how much I missed you,
Cover for it with something stupid I did,
And you’ll call me an idiot,
I’ll laugh and think to myself,
Your idiot I’ll always remain,
I’ll fall asleep wondering how
Irregularly regular the day was,
Without you.

We looked down at ourselves,
The sky behind a cold fire,
Seemed to me like I was flying,
But the wave crashed into foam and reality
And I was reminded of my place here,
For the sky belonged to the cotton clouds and sinking sun,
The sand under my feet moulding itself to our presence,
The wind blowing away the world behind,
And in this moment on the white sand we lay,
This last forever I pray...

I believed there could be love,
I believed in your existence,
Even when I didn’t know you,
I smiled with you,
Despite knowing I couldn’t be the cause,
I cried for you,
When I found you were never to be mine,
I frowned at your fears,
Trying to keep mine at bay,
I knew I loved you and wished it was enough,
Enough to exist in bliss of ignorance of your choice about me,
But that was all before I dared to reach out for you,
Only to realize it was all a dream,
I was a fool in another world.

Don't look, don't look for it I tell myself,
Let it come to you the world says,
In places alone I wish for her,
You wish for him,
When will we find each other?
Please let me fall in love again...
They don't make fun of broken hearts,
Everyone's got one,
You'll get a smile that says,
"I've been there too,
You too will soon know better than to be a fool",
I know we haven't met,
May be we might,
Till then i am bargaining within,
Inside I quietly say, I hope,
Let me fall in love again,
In the late hours when I wish for someone,
I will wish for you,
I will whisper your name,
May be you will hear me,
Together we can feel the same,
Let us fall in love again.

It’s been a long day,
I come home to you,
Long hours having worked me away,
I know all I want is to be with you.
Your smile melts the day away,
Your touch smoothens the creases.
I know you read my eyes,
Spared me the long talk,
Your hands effortless to pull me closer,
Your most magnificent kiss.
You got me wishing the night never end,
You got me wondering if I’m dreaming this moment we’re in.
Just take me into your loving arms my love,
Just extinguish the craving inside.
Then put me to sleep in your warm embrace,
Making the night go on forever.

Every Morning it’s a new day,
Sometimes a continuation of yesterday,
Things from the past lingering at bay,
New events about to occur every way,
Initially there’s time for fun and play,
Then for the same as we work we crave,
Sometimes confused of what is happening,
Confused about what we want,
But questioning about what we are doing,
We keep moving ahead,
Trying to solve our existence every day.

Would you stay for a while, if I asked you to?
Would you frown, or would you smile,
When I say, you’re the best part of my day?
Would you mind if I told you every time I see my phone,
I’m searching for your name to show up?
My every moment of happiness with you I want to share,
I hope you don’t get scared when I say,
In my mind all the time you’re there

Wave after wave we rode the highs,
Steadying our footing before the next rise,
It all crashes into laughter and the salty foam,
Time flew by as the clouds framed the setting sun,
Lighting our path as the time came to head back home.

I lived in the fleeting moments loving the rush of being alive,
Forgetting about the dark night that lay over the horizon,
As we crossed the threshold back into our abode,
The interlude ended as the last light receded from the windows,
Leaving me in unattended in the murk of my thoughts.

Unequipped for the blackness that glared at me,
I searched for a glimmer of a forgotten dream,
There was once a fire that shone bright my hopes & ambitions,
Not even embers remain that I may stoke a new flame,
Aimlessly I move through the motions of the daily mundane.

Slowly collapsing under the unbearable weight,
Wishing that I could find meaning in life,
Or give up altogether and end it tonight,
"Why am I even here?" Echoes back at me from the dark,
I fear there is nothing else left for me here.

I was selfless in my love for you,
I made the mistake of desiring you,
I thought I didn’t need you,
I traced the faultline between me and you,
I wanted to free from the mess that trapped you,
I still sometimes reside in a residue of you,
I sometimes let it dissolve and break free from you,
I sit and ponder on how your love meant everything when I never gave it to you,
I still smile when I think of you.

We looked around not thinking straight,
I undermined myself in front of her,
Inside her mind she did the same,
We knew we wanted the other,
But we didn't know the other wanted the same,
Strangers alike we sat there,
Of waiting opportunities we were unaware.

I tried to show you how much I care, if I could only make you understand that you’re perfect the way you are, nothing else of you I would ever ask, except that be by my side, a presence that makes it easier when life gets hard. You see what I mean, you know what I intend, behind my every action, and you say you want to love me back, but there’s someone who took your heart and forgot to give it back… I’m ready to do that for you too, to console you and be there when you need me, but you don’t let me be there, and I’m left with this affection going to waste and longing for a hand to come console me. Love like a video game in the console of my heart, I loose every time it seems, and every time it tells me “TO CONTINUE PRESS START”

I know I’m safe seeing you again each day,
I fear losing you when into the world I set you free,
I wish I could keep you in front of my eyes forever,
To let you never feel lost and alone ever.
So hard to say goodbye,
Leaving you each day,
Never seeing you again scares me,
Parting to meet again will always be.

I wake in every day light,
In the after memory of us last moonshine,
Falling asleep slowly in each other’s words,
You weren’t familiar with what I felt,
Smiling to the thread of memory,
As you wake up to my chattering you smile back,
And I wonder if I could just tell you how much I love you now,
There seemed no words to be said,
The glimmer in your eyes,
Told me all that I needed to make me feel the lightness,
Of the safety of having you,
Like it made everything all right

Things aren't going in my favour..

It's like the universe conspires against me

May be I don't deserve her,
May be I am not good enough

What happened? Where did I go wrong?

There is a wall between me and my abilities

I let them down... I let myself down. I don't know what to do

Why?

Why can't I just do this, this one thing?

I don't feel like going out.. I don't want them to see my weakness

I don't want to be happy, because this important thing has become the centre of my universe, and my inability to do this is ruining my self worth

Can I ever be happy?

Can I take this load off my mind, these shackles that make it hard to breathe?

The weight of the world and its responsibilities is slowly killing me

I'll fix it, I'll try and fix it.. Its been three weeks, I know I am late, but I will fix it, even though there are a hundred others things I can get done

I know I can do this, I have done it before.. and yet, there is a lurking fog in my mind that is not letting me think clearly

I wish I could just give everything up

I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be the worthless ******* in the room, in any room. I don't deserve them anyways

I happened to land the job my chance, I don't know if I am good enough for it

Would she ever notice me? .. why would she ever love someone like me?

I think I don't love myself. I don't know how

The night is good.. no people. No one to deal with, no one to remind me of how incompetent I am at life. Escaping

Let me take a nap, I think it'll help sort my thoughts out

... I'll do it later. I'm not in the mood right now, not feeling it

I am scared. I am lonely

I wonder how much easier everyone's life would be, if I just died, or never existed..

The world constantly loses its meaning
It constantly redefines itself
At a point all is jumbled
Then good is bad
Bad becomes good
And so our world goes around
Changing the people with itself
Change being the only other constant leaving time
And in all the madness we living creatures learn to endure
In this madness created by us
Thus evolving into what we fear
Leading to our demise.

I had a dream last night,
It was just the blue sky,
It lowered on to me,
Made me think I could fly,
I didn’t understand what was happening,
Somewhere I think I wouldn’t,
Then there was a rush,
A sequence of blurs familiar,
Images familiar yet new,
Why they were more colourful and brighter,
I wish I knew.
Suddenly I woke up,
And realized I was never asleep.

If only, I could be with you,
If only, I could say things unsaid,
If only, time would halt in your presence,
If only, I had to never let you go,
If only, I knew you’ll always come back to me,
If only, I could hold your hand,
If only, I could tell you how much I love you,
If only, I knew our future,
If only, I could admire you day and night,
If only, I could keep you smiling,
If only, this wait would end,
If only, this would not have its own sweet pain,
If only.

It’s hard here where people have their own little solar systems of needs. I need a glass of whiskey with some dilution, so I can explain myself better to them. May I come visit you after? I swear I won’t be a bother. I understand if you don’t want me there. It’s the whiskey, isn’t it? You needn’t do me a favor, only if you really want me to. (and I say to myself, there our solar systems collided)