u can't

IS JUST DEPRESSING WHEN YOU CAN'T EVER GET ANYONE TO SHUT UP WHEN NO ONE IS TALKING AND YOU DON'T LEAVE BED BECAUSE AT LEAST THESE GHOSTS ARE FAMILIAR

I'M SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE I'M DEAD

i am spiraling out

and i can feel it because i'm always rubbing my eyes
and i think my hair is falling out
because i keep waking up to my dreams left on my pillows

i am spiraling out

and i don't remember the last time i felt ok
or the last time i took my meds

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THOSE AREN'T RELATED

but at least drugs stop the screaming
and the shaking
and the constant paranoia

WHY IS SHE ALWAYS TRYING TO LEAVE ME

i don't know what i did wrong

I WANT TO GET HIGH

she smells like cigars

and my garage when my dad drinks too much
and it doesn't matter how expensive his taste
it all smells cheap and it makes my head spin

and i don't think i'm still standing up
and everything's black
or silver
or

and someone's screaming at me and it doesn't matter how small i try to become
i can't get away
from all of the noise

and i guess that's what i get for only picking jobs where people yell at you all day

and for coming back every time i ran away

she smells like cigars

and recently i haven't been feeling so safe

1.
you said falling in love would be
that breath before the fanfare,
that clap of thunder that starts
at the timpani and catches in
the space between the horn
and your fingertips
before sending soundsparks shooting
down the finished brass.
you said it’d be counting measures.
said i’d feel it at my core like
the first chord after two-for-nothing,
something crashing through me
same as a conductor’s stick;
one and two and one and two
and one, two, three, four.
instead it tasted like stale
cigarettes and the halfbreath
you only remember to take
after the orchestra has started
without you.
2.
i’ve been trying to remind you
of when we waltzed to minor chords
in our best friend’s basement —
his piano fingers were rusting away
so all we said was keep it steady,
keep it three-four.
you danced out of time
and stepped on my toes but
by the end i was still reciting
"i’ll do better next time,"
one, two, three, one, two.
3.
when you weren’t looking
i circled all the fermatas
on your sheet music.
you found out and said
i didn’t have to,
you could remember
on your own.