Amber smith

Amber smith Aug 2018

Why

I sit here yet another time with my head in my hands
I really dont know if i can go through this again
I take the test for what seems like the thousandth time
But another negative is all i find
I cant help but bring my hands to my stomach
Wishing i had my own child so that i can love it
What have i deserved to go through this time to time again
God i thought you were suppose to be a helping friend
But now i have to get myself back up off the floor
I cant help but do it again and go back for more.
I cant help but want to have a kid of my own
So i can hold them in my arms and watch them grow
I know that i most likely wont ever get pregnant
I just wish id get at least one miracle present

I missed a period and i been getting sick
I hope its here. I hope this it it
I try not to get my hopes up to high but deep down i think my heart is racing
I *** on the stick, back and forth i start pacing

Two minutes, ding it is up
Gave it one more minute just for good luck
I walk over and look at the stick
Im so nervous as i glance down
Another negative i can feel my self breaking down

Why god just please tell me what is wrong with me
God i am on my knees begging you please
This pain is just to much to bear
I really am starting to get scared

Why? Why can i not concieve
Why? Why so many times have i been decieved
So many false signs
God its like you are laughing at me from the sidelines

I know i am not perfect
I know i am not always fine
Not just a piece or just a big part
I will love my child with all my heart

So i just want to understand why i am going through again
I finally calm myself down
I think i give up on having a child
Trying so hard i mustve gone wild

So then i said i give up
A wall is what i slowly built up
I look in my mirror and my eyes look dull
I see the pain and my wall slowly gets morr tall

Even though i have guarded my mind
Through my eyes my heart is easy to find
It seems it is slowly withering away
I dont even have the words left to say

I look at Jason my fiance
He looks so sad and upset
He said when i agreed to stop trying it's something i regret
You have lost yourself even more than before
I love you with all my heart and even more
How about we find another way
Adoption is what i say

The child will be ours and we will love them as our own
Our love for them will be clearly shown
I lift my head more and tears form in my eyes
I said yes we will give it a try

Not about me. My friend has tried for two years to get pregnant and yet it is still unsuccessful and yes i know i dont understand it because i have never been prenant or tried to be. Im sorry for her. Anyways i dont know havent wrote in a while and this was like calling me to come write

Amber smith Mar 2018

Alone 2

She sits there alone with no feelings being shown
She looks lost with no place to go

Bullying is everything but fun
She has been called every name in the book not even missing one

Her mind use to be a place where she would escape
But it seems to turn into a place where even about herself she would discriminate

They always said repeat the same thing 100 times and you'll start to believe it
She saw they were right because now she don't feel as if she fits

She feels like she shouldn't be a part of this world
It seems as if around and around she twirled

Into a person even she herself didn't even recognize
She looks in the mirror and all she sees is dullness in her eyes

And not just in her eyes she felt as if the dullness reached her heart and soul
As if now within her there is one big hole

She doesn't feel anything like herself
She stopped caring for her and her health

She seemed to be losing weight everyday
And stopped sleeping because the bad dreams wouldn't go away

She seems to get worse everyday
But her mind was a mess and she didn't want help

She has been cutting and told me she's thought about taking her own life
She went home and once again picked up that knife

Instead of her wrist she put it to her throat
She felt happy for once as she slid it acrossed her throat

Amber smith Jun 2017

Addiction

I watch myself do things that I shouldn't, I wish so much that I wouldn't
But it seems like my body just takes over, maybe that's why most of the times I cant stay sober
I always drink to the point that I feel half dead, its like I'm never in my body never in my head
I wish all these thoughts would just go away, I wish so much that I didn't have self hate
But its like i'm not the same person I use to be, my body wants it but my mind doesn't agree
I don't feel like myself anymore, I am still alive but I don't know what for
What I have is called addiction, but I have to hide it so I don't get convicted
I spent all my money on **** and drugs, because I thought drinking and getting high was always enough
I hold the spoon over the flame, that's when I realized I had nobody but myself to blame
I feel like I can never win, as I put the needle deep in my skin
The addiction has all the power, to bring me to my knees at every other hour
I shoot it up in my vein, then I feel my eyes roll back in my brain
Its dark now like it isn't daylight anymore, but I can still hear my best friend banging on the door
I slowly went unconscious but I hear myself yelling at me in my subconscious
I heard him bust the door in then I heard the sirens coming in the distance
So I tried to fight with so much resistance
I tried hard to open my eyes but it seemed like I had no strength to provide
So I just laid there in the darkness, I cant believe I could be this heartless
I couldn't believe this was me
My mom said Id do something good but look what I turned out to be
I gave up on my life and I stopped letting people in
Why did I let the addiction win
Its all my fault, I let everyone down
At least they will all be glad when im no longer around
I feel a hand on mine as my eyes begin to open
I wanted to die, or at least I was hopin'
Alive I am worthless, I need to die because I deserve it
I hurt everyone around me, I hurt myself and my surroundings
Why did I have to try drugs in the first place, why did I think a hug it would replace

Jun 2017

Adriaan Harms

The sun and the moon.

A feeling so soft,
A feeling so strong,
A feeling so light,
A feeling so deep.

Inhale,
Exhale,
This, is no other,
Than a true tale,
Where the sun just won't leave,
But rather die,
To let the moon breathe.

Every step, everyday,
The moon would cry the day away,
Waiting for the moment,
The moment,
Where the sun would give his life,
Not by arrow, not by knife,
But by love,
Love for his moon,
Love for her life.

Inhale,
Exhale,
This, is no other,
Than a true tale,
Where the sun just won't leave,
But rather die,
To let the moon breathe.

A love so pure, a love so deep, that you'll give up what you have for those you truely love.

#love #depth #sunandmoon #truthtruth #sweetdeath

Jun 2017

Hannah

Sun & Moon

Do you think the moon
loves the sun,
anymore,
than his thousand
mistresses of stars?

#love #sun #moon #truelove #celestial #sunandmoon

Amber smith Apr 2017

Alone

I sit in bed all alone
I'm staring at the wall like I'm a stone.
I think about all those who have left,
Weren't they the ones i should've kept?
Didn't i need them so i could move on?

Should i turn the page and just forget
Or should i just stay here alone to sit?
Why is the choices in life so hard?
Why are there things we cant afford?

The choices we make we don't know if they are really right or wrong.
We don't know if the pain from them will last that long.
The choices we make interfere with our everyday life,
Because no matter what we do our problems won't just go hide
We have to face them everyday
Because if you don't they'll never go away.

Things don't always work as planned
But you still have the strength to get up and stand
Yea its hard but you'll have to put up a fight
Because this my friend is a part of everyday life

There is happy songs and sad songs
Not all of them end the same
But with either one you can't help but sing
Emotion is something we all have
But some barley show
They try to make it look like they can easily let things go
But we all hide feelings every once in a while
And even if we don't mean to we'll just cover it with a smile

Amber smith Apr 2017

Pain

I feel a throb with in my heart
It feels like my world is falling apart
I feel like i cant think
My mind is a prison i cant escape
I cry at night sometimes
And I'm tired of telling people I'm fine
My world doesn't seem like it goes round anymore
My whole body is aching and sore
I'm tired hiding my cries with a smile
I wish i could just let it out every once in a while
I might smile outside but inside I'm slowly drowning
People try to wonder why a lot of the times I'm frowning
I smile because i know life goes on
I'm tired of living in the same old song
Yea life ***** but why cant i get over it
I'm tired of feeling pain even if its only a little bit
I need to climb that hill and see the other side
But im always sitting behind a tree alone to hide

I have had alot of nightmares about death
Its always of me taking my last breath

Life is hard but i gotta make it through right?
Shouldn't i go down putting up a fight?