On the floor of the river styx, frogs burrowing peer over muck duvets to watch me press like a violet between the cookbook pages of the water and the land. I went overboard-

I am addicted to the darkness between worlds.

Somewhere above me, I see the moon. She doesn’t try to warn me, she doesn’t bother reminding me that I can’t breathe. Heavy currents like snakes blur her face into fractured crystal tears that wash me over with sweet exasperation.

Sedated by the salt toward the other side, where the ferryman flips my coin and hums a tune without words about all rivers rushing toward the sea.

He doesn’t ask me why I chose this route, just grins a toothless grin
And winks
And tosses my coin into the water
without

So much

As a wish.

I promised we'd meet
before I died. I didn't
know you could die too.

i am a black hole
and you
are the stars.

Golden lightning bolts
         jolt the muse to action
Dark skies lit for one...

Up until last week
when we used to see each other
accidentally in the hallways
of this second home,
we'd nod, sometimes smile,
rarely did we say a "hello"
or any other word.

This week
we saw each other
accidentally -  
or so you think, my dear -
and we hugged,
on the staircase of the third
floor and I was a stair lower than you
and you kissed my head and I rested
for two seconds on your arm and
accidentally (or so it seems,
my dear) kissed it.

Today
I looked into your eyes
and prayed to whoever is there
or is not      that one day
it won't be odd of me to whisper
in your ear, a word or two;
my own synonyms to "I love you."

Today,
after looking into your eyes,
you walked away
but all I wanted to say
was how I now understand
the "falling in love" metaphor
of Hazel Grace.

there are stars
and there are choices
i can talk about the ones that shoot across the sky
or i can talk about the sparkle in your eyes.

Every morning, when I rise from my bed
I let your ghost
Settle in me.
I touch the necklace I wear every day
The necklace I plan to die wearing
And whisper,
"I love you."
Because I've tried hate-
It tastes
Like bile.
I've tried hard at hate
And I just love you
Too **** much.

When I leave my house and lock the door,
I turn away and look to the sky
And I whisper,
"I love you."
Every time you cross my mind,
I say it like a prayer
Because you are gone
And I cannot pretend I don't feel it
Anyway.
I look forward and...
Life is flat, like a comic book page.
Greyscale, like a cheap newspaper.
But I will color it with your name,
With my memories of you.
I will make things grow.
I will make them solid.
I will make them mean something
By loving you.

When I leave this town,
I will touch that necklace,
And say,
"I love you."
When I leave this state,
I will stop to think of you,
Take it off and watch it glitter in the sun,
Turning, turning,
Throwing shards of silver on the dashboard of the car
And I'll think your name,
Say to it,
"I love you."

When I leave this country,
I will take a deep, steadying breath before I step onto the plane,
Look back at a ground I've never truly learned to uproot myself from
And clutch that pendant,
That charm that reminds me
That I am always yours
And a part of you
Belongs to me,
And I will say,
"I love you."
Before I go
Even if I know you will not hear it.
I will say it,
But I
Will still go,
Missing you with every step I take.
And someday, when I leave this life,
Even if I have grown old and grey never having touched you
Again,
I will leave this life
Saying
"I love you."
And you can leave me.
And you can forget me.
And you can blame me.
But you cannot
Stop me
Loving you
And you cannot keep it from my breath
From the rhythm of my steps
From the beating of my heart
From everything my fingers ever touch and create
From every morning and evening of my life.
When I think of you,
I will touch that necklace
And whisper
"I love you."
Because I know
Finally I know
It is no use not saying it
When I feel it.

This last thing.
I have one thing left to hope and work for.
If I do, in fact, lose this last thing...
I will take it as a sign that I need to go.
And I will go far.
Probably across the sea.
I have been saving up every single time I ever wanted to walk away from something, all my life.
Every little time that I wanted to break and just run from whoever was hurting me,
Every time I just wanted to cut my losses and quit something,
I restrained myself, because I knew
I could never run far enough to truly leave it behind, shackled as I was by youth.
I saved them all.
And if I do lose this, I will let it all out, and walk away for the first time.
And when I walk away for the first time, you can bet I will do it spectacularly and completely.
I am not afraid.