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Amanda Stoddard Dec 2016
You have become nothing but a zip file inside of my memory,
taking up too much space so I had to make you smaller, and smaller
until this nostalgia didn’t overload my chest cavity
and you became minute enough to just forget again.

I have sent you into the backup file
laying on the desk in my room
Away where our pictures are.
Away where you should be.

It was always supposed to be give and take
But all you ever did was take what you wanted
and acted like I was the one who couldn’t give it.

Now I am found
one year after the fact
and each of the three I spent with you
has left me with nothing but resentment
and this animosity chained around my ankle
you always held me back.

I don't care enough
about you anymore
to finish this poem
it ended when we did.
I guess finishing is
something we were both
terrible at.

well at least not for me anymore.
Amanda Stoddard Dec 2016
One year.
I read it on the page
twist it until it
cripples around
my tainted fingers.

I looked you
in your eyes
and asked you
why I should stay.

You could never tell me.
Still you never told me.

Actions speak
louder than words
but even your
voice was quiet.

Your hands were still-
Too strained
from words you
gave to her

and never let me breathe-
suffocating
under your insecurity.

She broke you
so you broke me
and I was left
with nothing.

I never had you
and you never wanted me to.

So I broke away
From what left me broken

you still think it's my fault.
I guess it's all just my fault.

For letting someone in
who didn't love me the same.
For loving her
Until it drove me insane.
Amanda Stoddard Nov 2016
Seems you spend
so much time
worried sick
about my mental state
I'm starting to think
I'm not okay.
You convince me
I'm not okay.
Let me lie here
enjoy the silence.
I don't want to drown
inside of worry.
Not anymore.
Amanda Stoddard Nov 2016
The only truth known to me-
is the simple sense of delicacy.
The furrowed brow
and the asking how.
The not knowing when
or how to withstand
The idea of an end
only to lose some friends.

The hurt from it all
and the pain of death.
Seems I am the only thing left-
but I'm barely hanging on.
I'm barely hanging on.

This clenched fist
doesn't make any sense.
I can't reach out
somethings holding me down.
These hands are stuck stagnant
seems the darkness is stuck on me.

No rhyme scheme
seems to fit
so the metaphors
and the meanings are split.
Something in common
with my personality.

Ups and downs
encompassing my skull
Seems I don't know
anything at all.

The hurt from it now
and the pain of goodbye
Seems I am the only one
grasping at what holds me up-
but I'm barely hanging on.
I'm barely hanging on
Amanda Stoddard Nov 2016
Beyond the imprints in my skin
Redemption has tried to
Encompass my hands and hold them tightly
Across these urges that attempt to pain my smile and
Kiss the lids of my eyes.

For I have not found
Room to grow just yet,
Only making such a fickle
Mockery of my former self.

Why do these
Hands no longer feel
Anything-
They just tuck away the memories.

Beyond this smile
Repression holds me again
Often times the only thing
Keeping this mind sane
Etches a mark onto a page

Yielding what I need for recovery
Only to leave me back to one
Universal truth, to break from what broke you.
Amanda Stoddard Nov 2016
I took a breath and then a sip followed by another.
relapse laps the edge of my tongue and I can't think straight
can't see you straight anymore too much liquid not enough courage
seems I have found the edge of sanity at the bottom of an empty glass
it has molded me into a glass half empty type and I have been exposed
wallowing in the cold chill of empty and unfilled and wanting more
I had hoped things would get better and I would walk away clean
but ***** is all I have ever known and clean has never been me
it seems disheveled is now my own personal personality trait
it has tipped over the glass and I tripped over this idea
that better is a place I have known before, I haven't
this is an accident, it paints a picture of myself
and it spills upon the garage floor
makes me feel like
this progress
is regressing
I sip it
pour it
sinking
into
who
I
wasn't
supposed to be
here I am again wallowing
inside this blueprint already made just for me.
Amanda Stoddard Nov 2016
seems that time is a silhouette birthed from commodity
the clock paints me into sands that turn glass
the heat is too much on most days
and I melt under the pressure
and I break continuously
into pieces
fleeting
grains
of
sand
marking
my words and counting
all of my minutes until nothing
is something once again and I see the light
and bask in all of it's glory as it mocks my progress
and the clock is turned around, I have run out of time it seems.
Not very mobile compatible, looks better on a computer.
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