Maybe it's not
Not wanting to live
But Not wanting to live
Like this
With this
After this

And if you ask me
what the worst part
of a depressive episode is
It’s the during yes
but it’s the after
that follows you around
No matter how good you are
at compartmentalization
or pretending
it never happened

The aftermath of the storm
Is what stays with you
It’s diverting questions
and avoiding talking about
those missing periods of time
That’s what keeps you tethered
To the pieces of the past
that pose the biggest threat
The pieces you are skilled at
helping people forget

Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

When I imagine meeting the man I will marry
We are in a conversation with others
And someone says something
To which I reply
A quote from a movie
Off to the side
Too obscure for the average mind
And he would laugh
Or maybe say back
Another great line