sometimes you feel as though you were sloppily constructed
the wires in your brain not quite right,
your eyes, blurry haze, where is the world

the moon was full and bright
the clouds hung low and close to each other
akin to marble, rippling,
filtering the luminous glow from the night

a slight chill in the air
the noises of society, here and there, now and then
piercing the raw, beautiful silence
and the serene, presence of being

a reminder that life is moving all around us
even in those moments most quiet
even if we are not ready or capable
even if we feel lost and empty and alone.

it still flows and goes its own way at its own pace
we must listen and feel every bit of it
we must flow and ride the waves
even when they are crashing and we go under.

Something said is not always something felt.
You learn that the hard way.
Time does not always heal old wounds,
it opens them so they are gaping
and it swallows everything.
Processing is still ongoing, in the middle
or maybe closer to the beginning.
New dissonance arrives and clogs up the line.
There is too much in your head at this time.
Incapable and unable to properly deal,
you are emotionally unavailable and unwilling.
You would rather be alone than be here.
You don't feel what you should feel.
You don't act in the way you feel you should and you have in the past.
You feel uncomfortable.  
So you let me go because you have work to do.
And I cannot wait for you to love me in the way I should be.

The rain has let up. The sun somehow trudged into view earlier, weaving its way in between the clouds.
A mere glimpse and glint of its rays.  Eventually they overtook the sun, hastily ensuring that it would
not be the star it was meant to be. The clouds are now idly sitting, whispering to each other.
You can feel their murmurs brushing your arms, your legs, your hair. "The breeze sure does feel nice" you think.

i ache for blues and reds
tones of flesh
a sense of touch
not of this world
bursting like
water through a ****
uncontrollable
unfettered

you're a piece of flesh
classified taxonomically
prancing around
pressed suits and Rolex watches

**** sapien, "wise being"
how huge your ego must be
to claim you are the wise one,
mighty one, oh how silly

fixated upon pieces of paper,
a means to an end
lost sight of those who haven't been dealt
these cards of privilege.

placed above "best friend", all others
cages filled with your brothers for entertainment
cruel to others inhabiting the same space
taking, taking, taking

you have not given back
parasite.

flesh against flesh, its been over a year
since someone sketched the world onto my skin
discovering moles upon my breast
and bruises on thighs
the salty taste of another
lost, the days pass
when

eyes rolling back
images playing in my head
i had a dream last night

***** blonde hair
the color of your eyes have been forgotten
slight pudge of belly, i used to rub that
you got a lot of food babies.

Instead pale, skinny, eyes sunken in
sick and ghastly, suffering from disease
visiting you was a decision i made with ease
5 years from when we had last seen

your mom and you danced
and you then danced with me, holding me tight
you had never once looked at me with eyes so bright
the feeling burned into my retinas

the point is my r.e.m induced dream
showed me to let go

Till next time
"no, hope you have a good life"

You think if you wear your short black dress
maybe someone will notice you tonight
but its cold outside
skin raised, you just want to be inside

the alcohol coursing down your throat
warms your organs, releases memories
but not in a good way.
begging to forget and forgive, live with no regret

shes attempting to forget the touch of your fingertips
against her naked body, tracing and racing
her heartbeat goes at the thought
of your face, smile, laugh

she never loved you, but oh how she cared
and you didnt

Don't think about the girls
you saw on the street today
and how much more beautiful
they increasingly seemed to be
compared to you.
You are not an item comparable to another
you have not been fashioned as a commodity
you are nature, and nature does not produce perfect organisms
though they may seem to be.

Don't think about the boys
who do not look at you and
do not talk to you. So, no one
has shown interest in you for a while.
This is good news, you do not need a single soul
to feel whole. Twenty years and counting
not one of them have made you feel anything.
You can last a little while longer,
soon you may experience love.

Don't think about how messy
you feel and are. One day you will
learn to pick up all the pieces off the floor
and clarity will rush in again.
Till then leave your clothes on the bed,
but don't fret over school and your future.
Remember to live and be free
after all you are an animal

Don't think about how ****** the world seems.
Do not let negativity fill you and ******* you
into middle age, becoming bitter.
You will hate what you become.
This is not who you were meant to be.
You are a radiant being, let yourself be
filled with light and positivity.

relishing in the taste of your soft lips

opening my soul to yours, connecting on a

molecular level, skin touching skin, i

am all yours. babe.

never let go, your rough arms enveloping my body

cultivating our love, deep and pure but

e**verything comes to an end

Don't think about dating a boy
who cares about compliments and approval
from other people on the internet,
even if he is just joking around.
He isn't really.

Don't think about dating a boy
who was recently in a long running relationship
or who has had a history of an on and off one
You will end up writing about being
the in-between girl
who's never enough.
He will likely get back with her
or find someone other then you.

Don't think about dating a boy
who smokes a lot of ****, you don't honey.
You will end up hating him
because of who he is
and you shouldn't
he chooses to live differently than you
that does not make him or you wrong.
He will not change nor will you.

Don't think about dating a boy
who gets onto you for not believing in certain things.
If he makes you feel inferior,
do not take that.
You are your own person
there is no right way to live one's life.
The right way is the way you choose
and that which makes you happy.

Don't think about dating a boy
until you have learned to love
every imperfection society tells you
your body contains.
Until you turn the scars on your wrists
into musical notations
writing a symphony of joy and pain.

Don't think about dating a boy
if he isn't enough of what you need
and you aren't yet happy.

The boy can wait, so can you.

she licked her lips
the taste of salt
enveloping taste buds
with ***** thoughts

Her dreams contain
residences of her lovers.

the air is changing again
omniescient presence
i cant breathe

night is closing in more quickly
pitch black thoughts
i cant see

small changes in degree, Fahrenheit
homesostasis in effect
i cant feel

the days become shorter and i'm lonely
trapped beneath unkindly advances
stark world, not quite winter not quite spring
somewhere in between

hands shake, smoke curls up and outward
except when inebriated
i quite smoking

half the trees are dead, their leaves leaving them
death until rejuvination
i am too

this time of year is my least favorite
somewhere in between

my sister is obsessed with her weight
tracing the curves of her hip to weight ratio
she is only thirteen years of age

my mother is a bottle of emotions
like fresh champagne when the cork pops
she is a broken woman

my grandmother is without money
still working because she lost her retirement recently
she will be seventy soon

I notice the women in my life
the insecurities they have,
real life problems of
almost being destitute
I wonder if this will be my role as a women
to be weak, to be obsessed, to be poor
in body and soul
I do not want this
weight

I remember when I was young
front door wide open
stainless steel, waving
frantically in the air
threats and screams
a child who did not know
why her parents were
not in love anymore,
or was that love,
no one told her

years later her brother
said he had a dream
of the same exact thing
though more morbid
with steel cutting flesh
our father lay in half
on the welcome mat.
that day we learned
our nightmare was real
our mother would deny
hoping her childrens eyes
hadn't remembered that day
taken a short clip
storing in our memory
but they say
we are more inclined
to remember traumatizing
visions from the past
then those times
we are happy

what you've done is put
my worst fear
into my hands
made it
tangible
shattering hopes i had
and feelings too strong
thought you might be
worth it
put too much effort
time moved too fast
but i did enjoy
that time we had
showed too much skin
for one to know
without reciprocation
now its done
i still don't know
love

this is the end

the landscape is not painted with large words
in which you need a dictionary to assist in meaning
it is for the layman

the foreground doesn't lead way to a background
with a larger picture, full of insight and intrigue
it is for the layman

the colors are not pretty and all encompassing
they are dark and dreary much like the world you're inhabiting
it is for the layman

nothing is dressed up, made up, or made over
there's no makeup covering the flaws and imperfections
it is for the layman

I've been reduced to a fraction of who I thought I was
realizing who I had become, by the screens
portraying images and spouting words I thought were true
one day you wake up, wake up from a false reality

you were a child once, playing, wishing, wanting
never thinking about the world you inhabited
the mothers and fathers drudging along everyday
unhappy and ashamed their lives turned into a choreographed dance

now here you are, of age, in college, getting a job
unimpressed with the way society has molded you
to become just another game piece like your parents in their dance
using you and abusing you, you're just a means to an end

Dare you falter, dare you, they indoctrinate you, brainwash you
so if you dare, you fret and stress and don't want to live
you beg for an escape from the harsh world surrounding you
but be brave, do it, jump off the metaphorical cliff

fill your soul with the passion and desire a human being deserves
rather then the futile toils of rote mechanicism they have made your world
feel something more raw and powerful then they could ever give you
because they are nervous and scared that if you wake up they will tumble

I don't want to forget this night
when heavy became the air
after spooky stories and real frights
a bigger punch you had the whole time

Heavy my heart but open my eyes
tonights a night full of surprise
a night to learn a thing or two
about myself but especially you

thank you for sharing and opening your heart
not an easy thing to do in front of those you dont know
but you must have had to get it off your chest
or why else even mention it

on a mound in circular form
you talked, we listened, you had the floor
hope this helped and you feel obliged
to come back another time

id like to be your friend
i know how it hurts to be lacking

half dead
in a dream
dazed for days
where am I?

wide awake
is this real
drugs, fine doses
who am I?

she is never told she is beautiful enough
for it to count or stick in some anchoring way
you cant see under her skin, inside her brain
black,
rolling,
grey
if you knew, what then would you say

she wonders if she'll always be that girl who's thrown away
only worth a quickie
only worth a talk

she'll make tomorrow better
and you wont stay

too small her upper lip
kink of hair too much frizz
not quite hourglass shape
pudge of tummy give or take
thighs too big to make you breath
more cellulite she doesnt need
too much hair, hair everywhere
uneven portions she only stares
the mirror you might want to break
she understands that its okay
these things you could obsess
she merely looks at them with bliss

its okay to not be perfect
its okay

she is not here for you

ive been fading into the walls and into the smoke
not a single word spoke, its such a joke
these lives, these dreams im dying to leave
but fading in is ok it seems
i roll around in blankets of depression
feeling the heavy weight of something against my chest
and i struggle to cope with what is real
with people and things youre made to interact
but they laugh at you and you pretend to laugh back
but fading in is ok it seems
not really but its what i pretend to believe

I’m the joke of inbetweens
Take time away from your girl with me
A couple of months its all you need
Get back with her when you please
Leave me dry and high all alone
You’re getting high that’s how I’m told
Move on, move on try not to think
Or else you’ll lie in bed and weep
I did and now what else shall I do
Just drink and flirt until I’m due
Due for another cry  all alone
But months pass by and I get well soon
A year goes past and you’re still here
Cheating with me on that girl you swoon
I hope she never feels this pain you have given me
Since I'm not as strong as I should be
When you’re done and you have had your share
I will finally meet someone I think is swell
But my life is full of maybes please.
I'm not what you apparently thought I might be.
I wanted to tell you all the things I thought.  
But you already made your decision ****.
Now you’ll never know what I wanted to say,
since you decided I wasn’t good enough to play.
But I’ve learned a lot, like not to trust
because the past few years no one’s gave a single ****.
And I’m sorry you could not wait to hear the simple words I’d say...
like how beautiful you were running after that...
well I won’t give it away

she craves the touch of sensuality
yet when she receives it
all she does is obsess
how long will it take
for him to realize
she is nothing but finely ground dust
slowly falling through the cracks of his fingers
a mess on his linoleum floor

shes been thinking a lot
about the scars across her skin
how they need new friends
ones that are open and fresh

ready to listen

we are dormant
in a state filled with
utter idiocracy
our world is full of
cycles
and meaning and knowledge
must be attained
whatever the cost
for we must know answers to everything
but still
is it hard in the morning
residue of a dream still
flowing through your mind
to get up and try
is it hard at work
click click file print  
wash clean cook make
fake that smile on your pretty face
is it hard at night
faded and jaded
watching the tv with dull eyes
tomorrow same routines and plans
cycles cycles cycles
meaning and knowledge
have you found it yet

I hope one day you are okay
You don’t feel the pain
You don’t search for ways
To reinforce negative thoughts
With cutting away

I hope one day you find the strength
To break free from the bonds
To fight it, the force
Of something cold and dark and hard
Like the ground you weep on

I hope one day you are happy
When nothing can bring you down
And you will live and love, merrily
The universe will surround you in light
Radiating your entire being

Because you are worth more than the sadness inside you will have you believe
Because you are worth more to the world being happy and free
Because you deserve it, everything