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alexa Feb 2018
and here i was
so foolish,
thinking that i was able to
look into his ocean eyes and
not see a reflection of my own beating heart.
  Feb 2018 alexa
skyler
flipping pennies
into wishing wells
i still hope
for you

s.s
  Feb 2018 alexa
laura
When he finally asks what’s wrong, tell him that he’s really just too good for you and you're afraid that one day he’ll wake up and realize that he could sleep with so many better women.
When he leaves the apartment and gets in the back of a taxi cab at two in the morning, don't follow him.
Maybe even though you saw him with another woman, laughing and joking in a smoky bar with their heads held close together, you still think you have a shot with him.
You don’t.

Dress yourself up if for no other reason than making yourself feel good. Put on your tightest, tiniest little black dress and some high heels and have a dance party in your own room with the stereo blasting.
Throw away his photos. Delete his texts, crumple up his notes and slot them into the paper shredder like old credit cards.
Thinking about him is dangerous; do not lie in bed in a quivering heap for days at a time. Do not mope or hit the snooze button simply so you can drift off to sleep and dream about him.
Jump in the shower and wash him out of your hair. Scrub your skin raw until you cannot smell him anymore. Wash your sheets. As you take them out of the dryer, practice saying your first and last name with adding his on.

Wreck your journal. This is the required “fresh start” your best friend told you about on New Years. She is tough and practical. Consider being more like her. Decide against it because having an affair with your husbands best friend is not practical.
Let your thoughts flow into questions that you pose to the world. Tell yourself that this is not an unfortunate habit.
Remind yourself that today in the modern world, if you’re single, that doesn't mean you’re missing “your other half.”  There isn't someone else out there running around with two arms and two legs and one head who used to be attached to one side of your body and will eventually find you again, on the street or in a deli or even at an indie rock concert in the back row; there’s just you. An imperfectly perfect human being who likes coffee or maybe hates it and has said awful, regrettable things to somebody else and is still trying to figure out how this whole life thing works.

When you are on the couch of your living room, do not reach out to squeeze the faces in the smoke you blow; do not think of his face. Reach out and draw the lines in your mothers face. She would have wanted you to.
Might edit this!
alexa Feb 2018
my beloved, i miss you.
i miss our time spent together,
miss the life you brought into my spirit.
darling,
don’t you miss how thin you were?
i told you that you didn’t want food—
carbs are bad, remember?—
and you were just so beautiful.
the etched lines of your ribs and collarbone,
carefully defined like charcoal on a watercolor painting.
lovely,
don’t you miss our late-night chats?
you told me everything you hated about yourself
and i just held you as you crumbled.
i’m sorry i couldn’t bring myself to console you but
honey,
your pain was just so beautiful...
i couldn’t tear myself away.
how can you not miss our alone time?
your isolation always kept me company—
until that one day.
you yelled at me,
shouted obscenities at me until you were crying,
but different tears than the ones you shared with me
late at night.
you relapsed into our old relationship,
again and again,
until that one day.
i heard you singing in the shower
for the first time since you were ten years old,
heard you open a bag of chips, eat the whole **** bag,
saw your mother embrace you while
tears fell down her face.
i saw you drive away with
that boy,
the one who kisses your scars
and tells you your past is a tragic beauty.
beloved,
i could’ve saved you.
don’t tell me you saved yourself.
we could’ve been just so beautiful.

                                                   forever yours,
                                                          ­  me<3
  Feb 2018 alexa
ali
you were mine
but all i wanted
was to hear you say
that i was yours.
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