it creeps over me
and i always know when it's coming
you could say i invite it in
playing its favorite music
luring it with sleeping leisure
until there's no time left
and it grins up at me
and bites

its kinda funny
how i can create trees
of someone
and he can create flowers
of me
but our wires don't cross
and plants suffocate
nothing happens

i clomped down the school stairs
laughing over a vine with my friend
and we passed two boys crying
and teachers embracing them
and something chilled in my soul

i entered the classroom
dead silence
an empty seat
a rush of tears

blurs and abstractions
i can't tell the difference
between what is real
and what is a nightmare

someone said your name the other day
while i was passing her in the hallway and
a shiver ran down my spine and
down through the very tips of my toes
and the possibilities and potentialities rush
through my head as i imagine
movie marathons, with our toes touching under a blanket and
snowball fights even though we live nowhere near the snow

10 more days until
my chest is filled with clouds
and my feet are heavy with
the weight of 7 years

240 hours until
the shouting of my friends feels
unnecessary and wrong
how can you joke on a day like this?

14400 minutes until
i bury myself in my room
***** clothes piling into the hall
used tissues overflowing my trashcan
tear tracks staining my cheeks

864000 seconds until
i look to the sky
and hope
but never receive

i am a dreamer
idealistic, optimistic
the one who imagines her life will actually turn out how she wants

i am the ideal girl to marry, apparently
according to these heteronormative results
that are based upon me knowing how to cook
and liking to sleep in and wear t-shirts
that seems like ******* to me

i'm not the ideal girl to marry
who would ever want to marry this?
who could i ever want to marry?
to wake up next the same person for the rest of my existence?
to never get a moment to myself?

sometimes i look at her
and imagine my life working out the way it's supposed to
and waking up next to her every morning
and dancing together in sweatpants
with messy hair and fuzzy breath

maybe

as i get older, i realize bonds are not as easily forged and the value of friendship increases astronomically
i realize how long it's been since i've been touched
and remember how i used to hug each and every one of my friends when i was younger
and now it's a wave, a quick nod of the head before briskly walking out the door, no looking back, no checking to see if everything is okay
i realize loneliness isn't saved for 2 am revelations
loneliness is saved in the mundane moments-
watching tv on the couch
wanting to tell someone how i feel, but not wanting to annoy anyone
trying to sleep in the middle of the day because there's nothing to look forward to and oblivion is better than the soul crushing disappointment
of loneliness