Its raining hard outside
And I should slow down
The roads are wet and dangerous
But I'm already a wreck inside
And I'm madly desperate to reach you
It's cold out there in the dark
And it's raining from my eyes
It's flowing like a river
And its already begun to flood
I'm drowning in ever moment
I'm breathing it in with every breath
And I'm just dying to tell you...
I'm just dying to say it...
And I can't...
I want to end every message with it...
I want to start and end every poem with it...
Write it on every leter of every line and all the space inbetween...
Stuff it in every sound of every word...
But I'm hoplessly afraid of it...
It is living and singing and dancing in my heart
And it has made all things beautiful
And I don't know what to do with it
And I don't know how to handle it
All I can do is watch and listen
As it repeats the same
Three words
Over and over again
And I try to repeat along
But nothing comes out
Accept the ache
And pain of it
That beautiful hurt
Right before my
Heart breaks

The pit-pit-pat of the rain drumming on the roof
In perfect sync with the beat-boom-boom of my pounding heart
And my pen won't stop with its skrit-skrit-scratch
Writing down what I'm trying to hide inside
Easy to write and type
When It's hidden in plain sight
Three counts of silence
Three words I whisper
Before I fall into dreaming
Three words that strecth
From dream to dream
Three words repeated when
The morning yawns in
Three words echoed
In the chambers of my heart
Three words haunting my soul
Three words I'm longing
To let fall out
Three words
If I could only say
Out loud
And hand in hand
Standing in front of you
Three words in the pit-pit-pat
And beat-boom-boom
And skrit-skrit-scratch
Spelled out in poems
While dancing
Madly in my heart
And caught in
My throat
Leaving my breathless
Unable to speak
Three words

Isn't it time?  Isn't it time to stop pretending everything is OK?  That the agenda of the rich is more important than the suffering of the poor.  That the starving die from hungry while the fat cat of greed binges and pukes more than he needs and then goes back for seconds and thirds.  That we willingly let ourselves waste away with ****** knuckles and bruised knees and broken backs just to keep corruption in the blood of those we've let strip us of our voices and our power.  That we are nothing more than puppets and slaves of big business hiding behind the mask of goverment.  That might makes right.  That war is OK.  That as long as you're in the right uniform mass ****** is legal and just.  That our children are killing their children and their children are killing our children and thats just the way it goes.  Isn't it time?  Isn't it time to stop the charade?  To stop pretending?  To final stand up and use our voice, our words and our power... and scream **** NO!  IT IS NOT OK!  Starvation is not OK!  Bombs and bullets and the never ending cycle of war and hate is NOT OK!  Stop sacrificing our children to the march of war and the the business of men profiting from their tombstones.  Stop pretending we don't see the problem.  Stop pretending we cannot find a better solution.  That we cannot raise our children better, teach them better, LOVE them better.  Treat their lives better.  Put the old dog of war to sleep and spare their lives.  Let the gears of hate rust and crumble and teach them empathy and kindness and generosity and compassion and love.  

I dream that I have died... and in those dreams I cry, I cry my heart and soul out.  Not because I am dead but because I have promised my son that I would always be there for him.  And in these dreams I sob and sob... repeating... "I promised, I promised him I would always be there..."  Sobing and repeating,  feeling that I let him down and that I lied to him.  I cry long and hard in these dreams until I wake up crying and sobing a deep snot filled cry.  Deep painful sobs and cold tears cutting through my face and burning down into my soul.  Repeating in the dark,  "...but i promised... i promised him..."

And I know it wasn't a straight out lie and I know that death will make liars of us all... we all make impossible promises to keep...  If I live long enough to see him stand up on his own in this ****** up ugly world I will have kept my promise to the best I could...

That is, unless I fail to teach and raise him better... to show him empathy and kindness and generosity and compassion and love are the only real solutions to making things OK.  That bombs and bullets and uniforms of mass ****** are not OK solutions... EVER.  If I fail to do this, I may as well have died in my bed the night I dreamed I was dead.

My heart never so open
To breaking
My soul never so ready
For the taking
I am hoplessly fallen
Given to madness
Sickly in love
Dreaming
Dreaming dreams
In my every breath
In and out
Another dream
Of you
I keep falling
As I've fallen
Through time
And logic
Only madness
Crashing through
The floor
And earth
No stopping
My descent
Fallen to these dreams
Begging for realease
Break my soul
And take my heart
My life
My love
My inspiration
All yours
For the talking

I throw a coin in a wishing fountain
I did
And this is what I wished for
To die, just die in this moment
This beautiful moment
Madly in love with you
Never more perfect could
Any moment be
Never
So let me die here
Looking into the endless ocean
Into those iridescent eyes
Mad with wonder and magic
My soul wildly on fire
Dancing with your heart
And your words
And your kindness
And your dark
And demons
Loving it all madly
No choice in the matter
Fate or chance
Or dumb luck
Meeting you was all it took
I fell hard and quick
And it had never
Been so ****** terrifying
Or so horribly exhilarating
Just hearing your voice
Reading your words
Your pains
Your hopes
Your fears
Your darkness
Your dreams
Wilted on the vine
Or raising from their grave
Day by day
Laughing or crying
No one is safe
From the clouds
But you shine through it all
You don't always see that
If for any reason though
It is because beauty reflects
Off of you
And mirrors rarely get the chance
To stand in front of themselves
That's what you are
The mirror of everything
Beautiful in this miserable world
Without you
None of us would have any beauty
I wanted to fall madly in love
One last miserable time
In this life
And I have
Oh I have...
So incredibly so
So beautifully so
Such mad mad crazy beautiful love
Just let me die in this dream
Let me die in your arms
Love was never supposed to
Be this perfect
This lovely
Not for me
So **** me
Right in this moment
Before I mess it all up
And say something foolish
Like....
i love...


https://youtu.be/n-cD4oLk_D0

No more gracious way to live
Than dying for love with every breath
Inhale and exhale my life away
For no other reason
Than killing my heart
For this beautiful death
Given freely
To your oceans blue
Your songs of gold
Your smile painted
On the face of the sun
Lightning the way
Lighting the way
To my souls
Sweet suicide
Always yours
Always yours
In this final breath
This living
This dying
This loving
For loving you
Through this beautiful death

If there is any gold in my words
It is only because I stole it from the mines of your heart
If there is any beauty to my thoughts
It is because they came from my dreams of your light
No more reason to live
When I've died here in this most beautiful death
My heart forever yours in this single moment of eternities breath
Inhaled
Exhaled
Infinity passed and frozen in place
Never more alive for the dying
Never more inspired from the loving
Never more anyones
Than I am yours

The days between hearing your voice and reading your words and messages
Such a painful longing
Such a dreadful space of time
Stretching hours into days and weekends into months
I die in this waiting
Every painful second a paradise
Of mad love

Then your words fall
And your voice sings
And in the briefest lines
And the simplest words
I am lost in infinite pleasure and joy
A toy of eternity
A little boy playing in forevers fields
My soul and heart laughing and dancing madly outside the measurements of time
Inspiration and love filling me
Whole again and again
Every letter of every word
Every syllable of every sound
Magic and madness and wonder envelop me completely

I fall asleep dreaming
With the rythm and sway
Of loving you
Day after night after day
Waiting for just
One word
*love

Harmonicas and accordions
And voices pushing stories  of broken love and life
Through necks filled with the smoke of three lifetimes worth of cigarettes and cigars
Cheap whiskey and piano blues
I want to live in the words of Dylan
And the images of Waits
Its starting to feel its only in that world
That I will ever get to hold you in my arms
That I will hold your hands
And never let go
That I will waltz
The steps of eternity
With you step by step
Lost between the pages of Bukowski
Loving each other on the  roads of Kerouac
Thats the world I want
I need
To be this kinda happy
Profound beautiful happy
That only mad lovers on the page truely know
Where it snows slowly every day
But its always warm ... cozy
The kinda mad crazy magic
I found in your eyes
Your voice
Your word
Haunt me beneath the floors of Poe
**** me on the stage of Shakespeare
I was dead in love
Before you spoke that last syllable
Of that first line
I didn't know what I was doing
But the devil must have been there sitting next to me
I can't remember doing it
But I signed the contract
My soul sold to love you
To be pressed between the poems and flowers
Baudelaire wrote about so tragically and elegant
To be but a single letter of love as written by Neruda
You were never going to love me
The way I had fallen to love and death for you
Such beautiful pain
Shining through the darkest
Corners of life and love
You felt weak in your strongest hours
Cried and grieved with
A heart too beautful and too kind
For this cold cruel world
You were never weak though
That was the doubts
And the demons
And the monsters
Whispering their lies
Trying to break you
Trying to shadow and ****
Your light
They will never give up
You frighten them
Scare them
Don't belive them
Don't give in or up
You cried in darkness
And you remained strong
Even when it hurt to breath
Bloomed into a new day
A fresh flower
Pushing through the soil
New, fragile, scared
And you braved it
Survived it
Day after day
Death after death
Coming back
More beautiful each time
Your light
Your light is pure
And kind
And generous with the beams
And the warmth of love
That kinda love only found on the pages of mad lovers
A love only found
In your heart
Your eyes
Your voice
Your word
You don't have to love me
Not the way I love you
Not at all
I will always still love you
Always hold your hand
Be there by your side
In the warmth of your light
In the dark cold of your doubts
No matter the heartache and pain
You can break my heart
Again and again
I won't go anywhere  
I'll be there with you always
I'll whisper your truth
When the devil and demons
Scream their lies
I'll warm you with my soul
When they block out your light
With clouds and doubts
My heart will always
Belong to your hands
Your touch
Your eyes
Your voice
Your word
I never knew I needed saving
Until you saved me
Brought my heart
Back to life
I never realized that it was
Just its echo and ghost
Haunting my empty chest
I didn't know I was dead
Until you made me feel alive
Made me feel love
That kinda love only found on the pages of mad lovers
Press me between the pages of Neruda and Baudelaire
****** and haunt my heart with Poe and Shakespeare
Send me down the long roads of Kerouac and Bukowski
Give me to the words of Waits and Dylan
And keep me on a shelf by your side
Take me down whenever you need me
I'll be there always
To whisper your truths
To hold you in the dark hours
And to love you
The way only a mad lover on the page can

Confessions hidden in the rhythm and the rhyme
Its not poetry but a lowly cowards crime
Fallen completely and blamming madness
Fearing the love more than fearing sadness
Using dime store story clichés
Red shoes waiting
Rain and overpriced umbrellas
Romeo bleeding
Pretending nothings wrong
He can't say it out loud
So he just quotes an old song
So when she puts it all together
He can claim he
Was just singing along
Checking the airfare
To her far away town
At 2:32 am
Restless and sleepless
But still dreaming along
Falling and singing
And dancing
With that madness
Knowing his hearts
Gonna break
He's just the kinda guy
Who always makes
Mistakes
Waiting too long
Or saying too much
Too soon
Or never saying
Anything at all
Because he
Likes crying in the rain
Out there in the dark
Where no one
Can hear him
Or tell the rain
From the tears
A cowardly way to die
Letting all that love
Burn alone
In the middle
And bottom of his soul
His heart beating its wings
In his chest
But the noose is wrapped
Tight around his ribs
As well as his neck
A fully loaded gun
Playing Russian Roulette
Bang
Dead on the floor
While every one is watching
Cagney on the screen
Swaying to the rhythm and the rhyme
Fitted for his straight jacket
Strapping the madness in tight
Hoping it while ****** his heart
Somewhere in the night
He's just the kinda guy
Who always makes
Mistakes
No way out
Just a prisoner
Writing bad poetry
On his cell walls
Written up his confession
But refuses
To sign the dotted line

I once thought love was the most
Beautiful thing you could find in this life... the one and only truth of a live well lived.... What greater thing could exist than love, be it in the air or dancing in the clouds or pulsing through our blood or lighting our souls or dreaming in our hearts or patiently waiting on our dry lips for that everlasting first kiss that holds you in eternities embrace... sweet mad sickening crazy love... nothing more beautiful for us to find or treasure or inspire from... nothing to compare love to... Not even god or the devil more elegant, both born and created from tiny droplets of love, both in awe and wonder and envy of its natural truth and vibrance... Love, the only universal truth to the question of life...

But I was wrong...
My dreams of love unhinged
By heart unstitched
My soul dismembered
All the pieces of me floating through time and space
And heaven and earth and hell
To this new truth that I have found
Gazing upon love as it sees itself
Reflecting back from every shooting star and blue moon and silent lake and singing stream and endless sea and silver mountain and magic mirror...
There on the other side of the mirror
The reflection of love
The image looking back at love
From every mirror and mountain and sea and stream and lake and moon and star...

You
And you are not loves reflection
No...

Love reflects from you
Nothing more beautiful than you
Madness born and worlds colide
And devils and gods filled with envy
And everything beautiful
Is only beautiful as it is reflected
From you
Every flower and evey petal
Every tree and every leaf
Every wind and every breeze
Every star and every moon
Every cloud and every dream
Every saint and every sinner
Every touch and every kiss
Every fleeting moment and ever eternity
Beautiful because of you
And nothing more beautiful
To do in life
Than fall and be fallen
Into sweet mad sickening crazy love
With you

Love sick
Mad mad
Sickening love
I  wake up
In the middle of
The night feeling
So ****** good
Everything hurts
And aches
And the pain
Is pulsating through
My entire body
Making everything
Hard
Hard to breath
Hard to think
Hard to just lay there
And life is sweating
And seeping
From the dark chasms
Of my soul
And every demon
And devil and monster
Screaming and howling
From the bottom
Of my depths
Chanting
Your name
Over and
Over agian
And my heart
Repeating
The same song
The same syllables
Your name
Again and
Again
And I'm helpless
Against the
Madness and illness
Of this infection
Of dreams and hopes
And fears and exhilaration
Just laying there
Strangled by the
Sheets and blankets
And wishes of
Your alluring scent
Haunted by fingers
That have yet
To be interlocked with mine
My mouth dry and parched
Longing for that sweet
Bite of eternity
Waiting on your lips
My neck eager to
Feel your teeth
Break its skin
Letting forevers blood flow free
My heart full
But taking in more still
Growing larger
The seams splitting
But refusing to break
Carving my insides out
To make more space
For this
Mad mad sickening
Love
And I twist and turn
And writhe and toss
In the middle of the night
And my mouth
Whispering
The chant  
And the song
Every syllable sweetly
Passing from my depths
Past my heart
And through my throat
And falling from my lips
Onto my empty pillow
Your name
In my every thought
My  every
Breath
Pushing
This pain
And ach
And infection
And illness
And madness
Through my blood
And heart
And soul with
This love sick
Mad mad
Sickening love

We flip reverse
Transpose and translate
Switch the words around
Theives and pretenders
Just dying with our time on earth
Heaven pounding in our hearts
And we only hear the hell drumming  in our ears
Love floating freely in the air
And none of us dare fill our lungs
Wasting our days away
Living in our shallow graves
Long before our flesh decays
Our bones already ground to dust
Slaves to sin
Just to make a wage
A pound of blood
For pennies on the hour
Flowers no longer bloom
Rotting roots in poisoned soil
The only things striving
The grease and the greed
Of the mighty dollar
And the gears of the war machine
Are none of us brave enough
To reverse and flip
Translate our disposition
Burn the dollar
**** the greed
Stop sacrificing our children
To the grease the gears
Of that ancient war machine
Heal the soil
Mend the flowers
Use our blood to sin
Wage to slave only for love
Dance madly with our bones
Fill our graves with dirt
Let our flesh live and ache and hurt
Use our days
To fill our lungs
Dare to love and love
And love
Listen and listen close
Hell and heaven pounding and beating together in the dark
Hey can't you hear it
As we walk our days on earth
Let us not pretend or steal
But give truth to love
And love to truth
By loving truthfully
And truthfully loving
Stop hiding
Start fighting
Stop stacking bricks
Around ourselves
Start throwing stones
At our jailers
Don't go with the masses
Dressed to the nines
But heads of *****
Mentally chained
To all think the same
Unable to translate
The silence
And switch the
World around
Doing the ***** work
For the crooks
And liars
Puppets for their
Masters
Drowning in the sand
Wasting fate
Hour by hour
As time flips
And reverses
Nothing changes
Nothing will
Until we brave
The darkness
Dare to
Dream
Break the
Chains of
Silence
And scream
With truth
And love
And love
And truth
Quickly
Before we're
No longer
Human

Lay down by my side
And fall in this dream with me
Walk with me through the garden
You have planted in my soul
Listen to the music
You have caused my heart to sing
Look into this sky
High above the clouds
The sun that is smiling and laughing
Is from the light of your soul
Every flower blooming
Every vine and every tree
Every breeze dancing and kissing
Every leaf and petal and stem
All came from the beauty of everything of you
Lay down by my side
And fall in this dream with me
Take my hand
For you have already have my heart
My breath stolen
My soul mad
Waiting in this dream
For you to
Walk with me

My Heart made out of paper
Gently folded and creased
The softest hues
And darkest shades
Of red
Tattooed on every layer
And at every bend
Words of eternity stitched
Throughout the depths
And pushing through its pulp
Poetry bloomed like flowers
Every day and every hour
Gardens of endless dreams
Sleeping safely in the seams
And love
Yes the love
Is the lead act of every page
And
No tale every told
No story ever read
No song ever sang
No poem ever penned
No adventure ever lived
Was ever quite
As
Delicate and strong
Bold and gentle
Shadowed and hoped
Beautifully felt
And loved
My paper heart
Made from pages
Of you

No need for the light
I'll hold your hand through the dark
I don't need eyes to see
I can feel your heart
And your souls light
Is brighter than the sun
Though no light is safe from clouds
Don't fear the demons of doubt in your head
Don't listen to the monsters whispering under your bed
You are beautiful
You are kind
You are loved
And deserving of love
You are...
Too kind
Too beautiful
I will lay down my soul
To protect your feet
And cover the broken mirrors
And splinters of past regrets
I will hum your favorite songs
Until the words come back
To dance in your heart
When you fall
I will fall too
And I will pick you up again
And again
No matter how many times
I will stay and fall too
And help you back up each time
Here in the dark with you
Holding your hand
Is far better
Than any other place
I could be
And should the clouds part
You would see
Its your light and
Your heart
That is really you
Saving me
Nothing more beautiful
Could I ever
Hope to see
Or find or
Feel
Than the love
You have
Inspired
And planted
In my heart

I can't lie... I've been in love before,
Mad insane love.  A few times, heartbreaking sickening love... but never like this.  Never so deeply rooted and connected to it.
Harpooned and anchored to the shores and seas of this love.  Never before so lost and found, never so much beauty... never so much love.  Its never felt so right, never made so much sense... Never terrified or frightened me more.  It burns me slowly and quickly from the bottom of my heart and throughout my whole soul and being.  Its never felt like this... this good, this great... this...this incredible.  Its feels like I'm hard all over, from my deep within my *****  to the ends of my fingers and my soul and heart and mind... All ready to erupt and explode at just the thought of her name.  I'm happy... A new happy I've never known before... Its mad and crazy and insane and unexplainable... never before have I felt it quite like this.  This mad mad lunatic crazy love... I won't leave, I'll die here and come straight back in the next life.  Time and time again, this love will still be laughing and crying and sighing and smiling long after the hands of time and sand of fate have broken and faded away.  And I'll be right here with it... just waiting for you to join me.

Lost and stranded on this island in the center of you
I chanced past your image, words, and voice
And they all sang to me and now I am lost here deep in your sea
I dared stare in your eyes too long
And fell to the endless depth of the oceans within
Every since I've been writing you love letters in the sand
Watching the crashing waves carry my words out with the tide
I've stuffed bottle after bottle with
Wish you where here notes
And secret whispers
Tossing them against the hard blowing wind
And into the wide beautiful open waters  of you surrounding me
Dreaming that you will read the letters
And open the bottles and learn my secrets
Hoping that you will smile in knowing my secret
And reading my stories of this love lost castaway
Waiting for you
To find me here
To join me and let our
Naked hearts live in forevers sunset
And lose our souls to the eternal night
Becoming prisoners in one anothers arms
Never longing to be free
Were we would smile
And laugh
And be happy
And love eachother
Endlessly

I swam in the ink of your words
And the verse and current
Pulled me quickly towards your heart
Then page after page I read
Every page cutting me deeper than the last
Such beautiful painful cuts
And I danced like a madman
To the unheard songs
In your beating heart
And I laughed in the down pour of your rain
And I saw the sunshine in the light of your soul
And I was happy
And I wandered close to your edge
And I could say I tripped or stumbled
But the truth is... I jumped
And smiled as I did
Foolishly and with no logic
Over the edge
Where I fell fast and deep
And mad
Through your darkness
And through your hopes
With your monsters
And your dreams
With your demons
And your wishes
With each and every
Part of you I fell
No shadow within you
Any less beautiful
As your purest light
Falling for all of you
Fallen for your
Everything
Loving!
And loving every moment
Savoring each breath
As it may be my last
Painfully sweet
Filling my lungs
Dreaming!
Dreaming like
A mad lunatic
Flying towards the sunset
In a paper plane
Waiting to sing and tell
The moon how
I've madly fallen
For you
Walking the horizon like a tightrope
Collecting stars all through
The night
Grabbing dreams from tomorrow
Pulling them to my heart today
Lost in the music
And melody and wonder
Twisting and turning
A maniac of magic
And madness
Dancing!
Dancing and laughing
And smiling and crying
And loving
Loving!
Loving every
Every
Everything
About you
And should silence fall
And interupt
I will always
Still be happily
Madly
Crazy
Lunatic
Absolutely
Incredibly
Perfectly
Foolishy
Ridiculously
Impossibly
In love
With you

Waking with this warm
Trembling in my soul
Dreams of you lingering
Carving your image
Deeper into my heart
Such beautiful painful longing
Aching through my entirety
Everything hard and pounding
Pressing and seeping
Love and lust and life
From every pore
Flowing like
Madness over the moon
Flames acroos the sun
Filling the void between
Every star in the sky
And my mortal eyes
Spelling out your name
And hushed cries
And joyfull tears
Buried with the secret
Whispers I've repeated
Into my pillow
Clutched gently in
My shaking hands
As every morning
I wake with this
Warm trembling
In my soul

If I showed you my empty pockets
Would you still see my heart as rich and sweet
If I showed you the door of my soul would you walk into my darkness with me
If I dared say the words were true
And not just ends to the poem
Would you belive
Would you feel the same way
I am living and dying in
The most beautiful breathes
Everything hurts in the
Most graceful way
And I am soaked with fear
And quiver in anticipation
I am hard in love
And leaking life
And mad in wanting your kiss
And crazy to comfort your soul
Wanting and longing to hold
Your hands
And pull and keep you warm in my arms
Sleeping and dreaming with you tucked safely before me
Whispering away your doubts and your demons
With true words of love and forever
Its painful how loudly my heart
Pounds in this most beautiful way
Never has love visited
So ferocious and wild before
Oh let me die here
And be completely devoured
And weighed down
To nothing
And drained of my all
No other fire
Would be as mad
And burn as quick
And as slow
**** me for I have
Found who I love

I am the devil born
In the complete
Abscene of god
I know no sin
Only pleasure
And from pleasure I gave birth
To pain
And in weeping
I only found joy
And in joy
I murdered love
Again and
Again
Mercilessly
Laughing
Bathing in it's
Dying blood
A fool without shame
Innocence just soft prey
Warm flesh
Stripping it clean from
Between legs
Again and
Again
Savoring the lust and the blood
And the crime of passion
Ignorant of love
A trickster
A pretender
Days of dying  
Faking things as beautiful
Blissful self gratification
Nothing more and
Something less
Again and
Again
Until
As a bird your song
Caught my ear and your word
Burned in the unknown depths
Of my soul
My heart beat for the first time
And in its first beat
I felt love  spreading through
My every pore
My entire being
And I wept
In shame
Your pain to beautiful
For me to bare
Dreams of lust lost
Pain of love found
A song too beautiful
For my ears
Nothing so perfect
Even with broke wings
Or dark heart
Could love smomeone
Devil born
Like me

Oh sweet beauty
Let me love you
Let me ride this love to you
Like a lost comet
In eternities embrace
Let our souls bloom
Let our bodies entwine
Let our eyes crash
Let our mouths meet
Let our fingers rain
Let our hands flow
And let our  love explode
Like worlds colliding
Suns dying
Stars igniting
Moons crumbling
Heavens trembling
Hells falling
Oceans parting
Paradises losing
Nirvanas dreaming
Passions flaming
Hearts pounding
Pounding hard
Let us fall
Too quickly
Too deeply
Too far
Too much
And then
My sweet beauty
Let us fall
And love
And pound away
More and
More
Farther and
Farther
Deeper and
Deeper
Faster and
Faster
Until we
Brake and crash
Through
Forevers  
Door
And there
We'll live
And laugh
And cry
And dance
And love
Beyond
The hands
Of time
And the whims
Of fate

Some one kills themselves because they were just too sad
And some jack *** makes a joke or worse is thankful that they don't have to hear that cry baby whine anymore
Acting free of guilt that their apathy and ignorance makes them better
That their inability to be empathetic or compassionate had nothing to do with the problem in the first place
Its not a singular problem linked to one *******, its the world full of *******
Blind to true beauty and deep emotion and true passion for life
Its the ones that care too much and love too much and belive too much and feel too dammed much that fall victims
To the silent monster and invisible disease of depression
Suicide isn't isolated to whiny broken hearted teenagers unable to cope with rejection or social pressure
And even they deserve our compassion and understanding
Depression has a long history of robbing the lifes of genius and talent and souls and hearts truely too beautiful for this **** pile of a planet
Full of greedy *** hats with blinders wrapped tight to their skulls and numb blood flowing through their bodies
Because their sad ugly truth is they just can't handle the reality of how ****** up the world can be
They can't bare to look into the mirror and really look at whats on the other side
They can't accept the fact that their dead hearts and souls are just hanging in the reflection of their lifeless eyes
They couldnt bare cope with the mere idea of a moment in life where every emotion and thought were so bad and dark
That everything hurt so ******* bad that no joy or hope was on the horizon of any of tomorrows sunsets
That jumping over the edge into oblivion and the cold unknown embrace of death was better than taking another single breath
They wouldn't survive that moment, just the thought of that moment would push them beyond hope
So they make bad jokes and apathetic statements of indifference when they here the news
Another sad cry baby lost to suicide thank god we don't have to listen to them cry
Anymore
Never knowing just how much beauty the world just lost
In this world its easier to be dead than passionate
Easier to sit in a cage and go with the flow
Easier and safer to just be a cog in the machine
Its easier to not god ****** feel anything...
...
**** that,
And **** them
Feel too much
Care too much
Love too much
Be too ******* beautiful
For this ****** up
**** pile of a planet
**** their bad jokes
And their apathy
Because a life
Without passion
Is just going to end
With the joke on them
So they can
Shut the **** Up!
And me and you and
Every one mad and crazy
Enough to live
Can live
And cry
And feel
And *******
Love
Too
******
Much

For a lot of people it is without a known source or trigger or point of orgin that depression will sit in.  They may be fine one moment and then the next a dark cloud suffocates their heart and  venomus thoughts stab into their minds.  And all they can do is shut down, close themselves off, climb in to a dark hole and then mentally and emotionally abuse themselves.  Afraid to say anything because we will call them crazy or too sensitive or worse completely ignore the problem and say something like "man up wuss"  or "you're such a pretty girl, smile don't be sad"... We send alcoholics and junkies to rehab with love and well wishes but treat depression like its nothing more than a bad day out of life, here's a lollipop stop your crying.  People are broken inside and lost and feel alone and very often it's because somewhere in their life they just cared and loved too much... And we repay their kindness and generosity with apathy and ignorance and half hearted sighs as we roll our eyes.  No one stopping to imagine the unimaginable burden and darkness that is going on inside their hearts and souls.  No one able to bare to try and feel for a moment how bad some one has to hurt where death is the better option than life... Let me repeat that... that death is the better option than life ...that the pain and hurt and thoughts have become so bad that they feel death is the better option.  And too many caught in that moment, feel they have no one to turn to, no one willing to accept and belive them that they are depressed and that they just need at least one person to be there with them, that no one is willing to belive they hurt that bad... and then.... BANG ... their gone.  And then for a split second we can all hear the silent monster and see the invisible disease, a second to late to help and a second many of us will wash clean from our eyes.  Because its just to horrific to remember and we're afraid if we open ourselves up to the reality of depression we ourselves will end up another one of its victims.  
Depression is real and it is real scary and those suffering need our acceptance and acknowledgement that they are suffering a horrific disease most of us couldn't cope with.  When we know someone who has it so bad they can't get out of their hole, we need to climb down that hole and sit down in the dark with them.  If they want silence we give them silence, if they want to talk we listen, if they want to cry we cry with them.  We let them know we belive them, give them our compassion and love and empathy.  Don't just be there for them, be there with them.  If we just give them a ladder out, they might come up but then when were not there with them, they might just fall back in.  You really have to let them know, I'm here with you, in or out of this hole, I'm with you, you're not alone.  It's ok to be depressed, its ok to be you.  Maybe you'll get better, maybe you won't, either way I'm here with you.

Trapped and chained and jailed in the grip of misery and the hungry mouth of despair
Its serpentine tounge wrapped tightly around your neck
A perfectly fitted noose
Deep rooted crooked fangs and hooks and teeth
To crush your bones
  Suspend your soul
   And poison your heart
Hanging helplessly as your
  Body and dreams and hopes
    Are dissolved into black sludge
Your arms stolen of everything
  You ever loved and held dear
And then without mercy
  Your very arms ripped out
Your face wiped clean
  No eyes to see with
   No mouth to SCREAM
Treasured memories erased
  And turned into daggers of torment
An endless cavern of echoes
  Of doubts and fears
     And blames
        And lies
All LIES
But the echos scream and
   Repeat and scream
     And repeat and
       Repeat and
         Repeat
           And
             Repeat
And you can't help but belive the lies
  Being carved into your skin
   Your heart your soul
It's all your fault
  it's all your fault
      IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT
YOU'RE HERE... BECAUSE
  IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT
Lies though... all lies
Misery lies and it lies
  In your heart
   And it lies in your soul
    And it lies in your everything
Misery wants your company
  Misery wants your EVERYTHING
Misery wants to paint its ugly
Over your beauty and **** your light and vibrance
Misery singing you lies of sweet oblivion and solitude
"stay here stay here... I'll take your pain away... just give me your all and I'll give you my numb... no one will love you so let me make it all numb..."
Another lie of misery...
   Carved deeper into your heart
Carving and slicing and burning lie after lie
Taking you apart and breaking you down
Casting and reshaping you the stolen pieces of you into bricks
Forcing your hands to build up a wall
Misery doing everything to make you feel at home
Venomous lies slipping from its rotted forked tounge
"This is where you belong... I'll love you... just let me make you numb..."
Misery lies while singing false lullabies
  Trying to steal you away
Trying to make the world darker
  By killing your light
Trying to hide your beauty in the
  Mouth of despair
Misery wants the world to sink into a
   Murkier shade of grey
It knows our world is falling apart
  And that by claiming you it can
    Quicken our descent
Its all just lies... the chains that bind you...
  the lies that cut and carve you down...
    miseries cold sinking in... the closer
       you get to numb the easier its
         lies are to belive... slipping
            away... the numb and
               oblivion. .. just
                 inches away...
                   comfortably
                    dark lies
                     LIES
                          ...
                    DON'­T
              DON'T FADE
            DON'T BELIEVE
           DON'T GO AWAY
       If... if you have done anything
     Anything wrong, it's this and only
   This, you're too beautiful for this world, this broken crumbling world, you looked too deeply, you felt too much...
Loved too much..  and then life hurt, breathing hurt... and you then you looked deeper, felt deeper, loved more... against the hurt and the pain... the sky was falling and you tried to hold it back up... too kind, too sweet... if anything this world doesn't deserve you. .. but oh... it needs you...
I've seen your light, been touched by the grace and beauty of your heart...
There's no easy escape from miseries grip
   And the mouth of despair
No quick fix
  No band-aid brand cure
A hard battle fought
  That not everyone can win
No guarantees I can give...
But I will climb into the mouth
  With you
   You don't have to do it alone
     Win or lose
       I'm right here with you
I'll die here by your side
  Just for a moment
   One moment to love your soul
     Your heart
       Your everything

In my dreams I am still holding
Your picture
Unable to break away
Even in sleep
Still falling
Still fallen
Mad
Madly
Lunatic love
For you
As my eyes peel open
To a new day
A new day
A tomorrow
Spilling from the
Touch of your voice
Your spirit
Your heart
Your darkness
Your doubts
Your demons
Your hope
Your dreams
Your everything
My reflection eagerly waiting
To greet me
To show me
How beautiful
You have made my life
With each passing moment
Giving me more
And more
Mad
Madly
Lunatic love
Tears
Happy tears
Raining over my soul
Washing away the emptiness
And darkness
And yesterdays away
You are the song
You are the blood
You are the pounding
Of my heart
My heart pounding
So hard it feels
Ready to explode
Into a million tiny fragments
Only to then grow into
A million more hearts
All singing
All dreaming
All pounding
Their
Mad
Madly
Lunatic love
For you
My heart
My reflection
My hopes
My dreams
All throughout the day
All throughout the night
While sleeping and awake
They are all shouting
And whispering
And mumbling
And howling
To the moon
Of how
Mad
Madly
Lunatic love
I am in
LOVE
With you

When you tell someone
When you say it
The first time
And every time after
You got to say it
With a big aching
*******
Not just a hard ****
Your whole ******* heart
Better be hard
So ******* hard
The slightest touch just
May shatter it into a million
Tiny fragments
It has to be hard and
Pulsating
Ready to explode
And seep with life
And horrible painful
White hot sticky love
It can't be half limp
It can't be hardly beating
Or just beating at
A normal pace
It has to be harder
Than rock
It better be beating
Hard and quick
So quick its just a blur
Loud and pounding
All night and through
The morning
And not just on the good days
And hot sweaty nights
It has to stay hard
In ice cold waters
On days of dark despair
Through hours of tears
Through the painful silence
When lost in the middle of the storm
And thunder
Of acid rain and razor tounge lightning
Its got to stay hard
When your soul goes numb
When the heart feels dead
When all hope seems lost
It has to stay hard
When it feels its most alone
It has to survive
In the empty space
Of noise and confusion
When everything
Is rough and cuts you
With every touch
When the easiest thing
To do is to give up and
Walk away
Its gotta stay hard
And hold ground
No matter how difficult
It is to do so
Its gotta bare the teeth
Of madness bitting
Down on it
Because it is
Madness
Stark raving lunatic
Madness
And if you can't do that
All of that
If it doesn't burn
And ache in your throart
Before you say it
While you say it
After you say it
Then why say it
Because if its coming
Out of a hard pounding heart
Its going to burn
With your every thought
Your every breath
It should scare the living
Crap outta you
To say it
Because it feels so *******
Good just to think it
To have it there in your head
Sleeping in your dreams
Pounding again and again
In your heart
Your hard hard heart
When those three words
Pass through your trembling lips
The first time and every time after
You gotta say it with a *******
You gotta speak them true
In hushed screams
And long loud whispers
Echos of moans to the moon
That come burning back down
To earth ready to plummet
And crash into madness
When your ready to say it
You won't be ready
You'll have to hold the knife
To your own throat
To keep yourself from running away
Because your scared to death
You'll die if you say it out loud
And that is exactly when
You have to say it
Let the words boil in your belly
Let them churn widly in your gut
Let the crazy burn in your throat
And then with your big aching
Hard heart
Say those ******* beautiful painful
Hard words
Say it...

*I LOVE YOU

Driving down the long road of heartache
With the radio at full tilt
Screaming with the music
Hoping for my throat to bleed
Trying to drown out the song
My heart keeps beating and repeating
Its crazy absolutely madly
Fallen in love with you
And my soul has memorized your kiss
Even though our lips have never meet
I scream a little louder
As the tears begin to fall
The words on the radio
Just remind me your not here
Telling me I wish you where
And the blue skies turn to pain
Anywhere I drive I see you in the corner of my eye
As long as I don't turn
Or try to hold your hand
Your always sitting by my side
And its such a beautiful ache
And a sweet tasting pain
Your touch swimming in my heart
While your body
Is the moon and stars away
The road is long with heartache
And I turn the radio to silence
My heart is beating and repeating
My favorite song
The story with no logic
Just the tale of my heart
Crazy absolutely madly
Fallen in love with you
And I hope this road never ends
Unless it turns
To where I can hold your hand

Terrified... no... not terrified
Mad?  Of course I am mad!
Stircken with madness!

My every emotion heightened
I can hear and feel every sound from heaven, earth, and hell

Impossible to describe when or  how she started to haunt me so.
All day and night in dreams she walked with me.  
Something in her voice... something dancing there in her words
And those eyes, eyes more endless than the oceans
Yes, her eyes!

Yes, her eyes drove me into this insanity.
Her eyes, heavy in dark storms, dancing with demons,
Hiding beauty not meant for mortals to gaze upon
And in their darkness hides something more
Something covered by such black grace
Guarded and tormented by devil and beast

Her   HEART

I dare say this
In no napping nor no dreaming
Will you find
No treasure, no paradise, no living creature
Could be as lovely
As her heart
And her poor heart trapped there
In this private hell


What was I to do?
She hardly knew my name but already
I found myself desperate for her affection...


I awoke in the middle of the night
My soul on fire
My body drenched in longings warmth
My chest ready to burst with madness
The devil sitting at the end of my bed
Politely sipping tea
"Bad dream?" He said with a snicker in his teeth
"No...no... I know..."
He inhaled deeply,
"I can smell it on you."
His teeth growing wider with his smile.
"Love...that's it, isn't it?"
I answered not...
Nothing good would come of it...
He had murdered my heart and soul before
More than once or twice
"Come, come now, son... you know I mean no harm."
The devil continued
"What a beautiful sight, this dream of yours.  Oh... those eyes... You poor boy, you never had a chance"
He laughed and sipped and sipped and laughed.

"Love sweet love... Is there nothing more sickly heavenly than love.  You fools will do everything and anything for it...
Lie, cheat, steal, ******...
Anything that is, accept,... treat it well"

And ****
He was gone

He was right though
My own heart
Dead and buried beneath the floor boards of my soul
Hidden in the darkness
Safe from the ills and pains and beauty of  

LOVE

And it was my own hands
And sinister villainous laughter
That had murdered and buried it there
So long ago
Never never
Wanting to feel its beat again
Its foolish beating

Beat beat
Beating

Too high and too quick
Had it flown
Loving and then breaking
Leaving me alone to
Its heartache and woe
Too many times
Too many times to bare
So I hid in the dark from it
Standing still for many days
So still for many nights
Until it knew not where I was
It trembled to think itself alone
It cried there and I nearly laughed
Frozen I remained
Listening to it beat and cry and cry and beat
Then quickly I leapt upon it
And grasped it with both hands
Suffocating the life from it
Holding it down waiting
For its beating

Its beat beat
Beating to stop

And it slowed
And slowed and slowed
Until at last
It stopped
And I knew, oh I smiled to know
I knew I was forever more
Safe from the ills and pain and beauty of

LOVE


I wept, oh how I wept
Why is a heart so magnificent
So lost and troubled in despair
Her heart, so weary
So dreary
Such painful beating

Beat, beat
Beating

Right outside
My dreaming

Dream, dream
Dreaming

What could I do
Other than sit and watch
The horror of this show
My hands no more than ghosts
My voice ached to silent screams
If I could only help
If I could only love

LOVE
Her  HEART


And then I heard it...
Softly
Slowly
My dead heart

My dead
Dead heart

Pounding gently beneath the floor boards
Lost in the darkness of my soul
It grew louder
It grows louder still
I must be hearing its ghost
It cannot be

My dead
Dead heart

But louder and louder
It rang in my ears
My soul trembled from the sound of its beating

Its beat beat
Beating

For the ills and pains
Of love
This could not be
I paced the darkness
In nervous strides
My heart
Was to forever
Remain lifeless and lost
Beneath forgotten floorboards
Deep deep down
In the bowels
Of my lonely soul
I felt its death
Felt it give its last breath and beat
In mine own murderous hands

The ills and pains of love
Macking ridicule of my past deed
No! No... it mustn't be...
Louder... louder... it rang
Sound reverberating from
The hollow of

My dead
Dead heart

Faster and harder and louder
It pounded relentlessly
Pounding like the wings of a mad black bird
Echoing laughter from its beak made of devils horn
I heard... I knew...

That beat
Beat beating

Death had released my heart
Unable to hold and hide and keep it safe from
The ills and pains...
And most of all...
The beauty of

LOVE

No slower than lightning
My heart burst forth
Shattering the hidden floorboards
Splintering the depths
Of my soul
With new ills and pains and beauty of

LOVE

Off it flew
Such foolish flight
Drunk with courage
Oh that stupid stupid heart

Beat beat
Beating

A fools quest
A knights death
Off it went
Beating its black wings
Off toward devil and beast and despair
Guided by the sound
Of her heart
The painful

Beat beat
Beating

That beautiful sound
Right outside my

Dream, dream
Dreaming

The armless beastly dreads
Of fang and tooth and head
Whispering doubts and fears and hate
Dripping cold stale lies
Of how pathatic
Your heart bleeds
And your eyes dream
And that happiness
Is just a hollow hope
They drip and melt
Their misery to coat
Your soul with
Their venomous despair
These armless beastly dreads
Of fang and tooth and head
Have nothing but their tears
Having long lost all they held dear
Ghastly mists of fright
Hunting for souls lost at night
Hunger for hearts they find
Too beautiful for this world
They took Van Gogh
And left not a trace
Of their murderous deed
And the list of all
That they have taken
Is longer than the history of sorrow
Their most notorious crime
Their greatest parlor trick
Is that they are invisible to most
You will only know them
If they have claimed
Your heart and dreams and hopes
As their host
The armless beastly dreads
Of fang and tooth and head

I'm stumbling through cobwebs of lines
Drowning in alphabet soup
I'm not writing
Just watching the words bleed out
I will die here
In the warm embrace
Of your inspiration
And no death more lovely
For you touched my heart
With delicate fire
And maddening grace
And a garden bloomed
That spread into forests
And mountains and oceans
And worlds and stars
And moons and suns
And grew and grew
And grew
Until it enveloped universe
After universe
After univere
Until all things of heaven and hell
And all the cosmos
Had your flowers
Growing and singing and dancing
Within them
Yes I will die here
Watching the words bleed out
From my heart
And I will die
With a mad smile stitched to my face
Your delicate hand
Holding the needle and thread
And I will drift to the ever after
Forever in love with
You

I want to crawl into your darkness
I want to be there beside you
Pounding away at the heart of your pain
Digging into the earth of your despair
I want to pound and dig until my flesh splits open
And my bones break
Until my hands are useless
And then I would continue to
Beat on your pain with the nubs of my wrists
And I would dig deeper still into your dirt and soil of depression
Going and going
Wearing out my skin and marrow
Up my arm to my elbow
There with you through the nightmares and angst
Screaming and crying until my throat bleeds
Dying with you again and again
I want to be there in the thick of your doubts and worries
Pounding and digging until my arms are gone
My shoulders worn and my ribs and collar bones exposed
And if we must keep going and going
Farther into your darkness
I would chew on the dirt
And kick and lunge
I would stay there by you until i had nothing left to give you
For what good would my arms be
If they could not hold you and keep you safe
What good would my legs be if not to walk by your side through your darkest days and loudest nightmares
What good are my hands if they cannot hold yours and keep them warm or give them comfort
What good is my head if my mind was not enouhh to help you through  the bad hurt days and nights and could not help you find a reason to smile
And without your smile what would I need of my eyes.
I would give up my all
Just to be there
With you
In the dark
Digging
And
Pounding
Away
Just to see you have a moment
Of peace
And
Happiness

I am frightened beyond belief
Of these feelings consuming me
My heart soars to your heavenly beauty
My Soul sold to hell to find the pain of your darkness
My body trapped by the earth between us
And all of me drowning in this raging storm
A bottomless chasm of emotion crushing down on me
So much beautiful love that every part of me hurts
And I'm terrified that I will lose what I don't even yet have
Your smile
Your touch
Your kiss
Your love...

And I'm afraid of myself
Im afraid of this impossible beautiful mad mad feeling
This crazy that paints a smile on my face while I sleep
A smile that won't wash off
Im afraid of this unexplainable and unimaginable happiness
That spreads through me at your every thought
I fear myself running
Myself denying
Myself hiding
Myself lying...

Pretending it isn't real
That it was all just rhymes
Of nonsnense and make belive
That I'll just turn my back
And disappear
That I'll slip into the arms of future regret
Because it's all too beautiful and I can't stop the doubtful whisper
Telling me I don't belong here
That no matter what I do
How hard I pray
Or wish
Or dream
Or hope
I will never know
Your smile
Your touch
Your kiss
Your love...

And that cold soft whisper freezes me to my core
And I tremble in terror
Afraid
Afraid to say
Too much
Too fast
Too soon
Too late
Too slow
Too little

The other side of love
The side no one wants to talk about
The side everyone sees as ugly
The side that they call hurtful and painful
The side they blame their own failures on

The side that takes our abuse
And our punishment
And our stupid pride
And our indifference
And our neglect
And our hate for it...
The hurt days of love
The bad months
The horrible lonely years
The cold nights
The armless dreams
Where there is nothing
To hang onto
But the misery of our
Failed attempts
Side of love...

No one stops to look
At it
Feel it
Really feel it
Other side of love
They're too busy
Filling their empty
Souls
With resentment
And anger
And disappointed
For it
Side of love

If they did though
If they stopped
For a moment
Stopped their
Woe is me
Pitty
Loathing
Moment
And listened
And looked
And just felt
The air there
On the
Other side of love

They would feel
And see
And hear
That it is every bit
As beautiful as
Its opposite
That it is nothing
More than the
Exact reflection
Mirror image
Of the absolute
Truth of love
That love
True
Perfect
LOVE
Is
Mad
Mad
Madness

It doesnt have sides
It is always whole
And complete
Full waiting
To be poured out
To needing hands
Empty waiting to
Be filled with
The kindness of
Strangers
Always broken
And always
Unbreakable
Its unexpected
And unexplainable
No reason
And absolute
Sense
The
Answer
To the perplexing
Question
Of life
Answered
Perfectly by being
The question
Of life
Itself

Give into its
Mad
Mad
Madness
And be
Grateful
To have
This chance
To go
Stark
Raving
Lunatic
Crazy
Mad
Through the
Good days
Bad nights
Lonely years
Cold armless
Dreams
Beautiful
Pain of
It all
Life
Let it
Break you
And make
You unbreakable
Be whole
And complete
And be
The
Mad
Mad
Mad
You
You were meant
To be
Go crazy
You
*******
Lunatics

On the good days, the words flutter around like butterflies waiting patiently to be choosen.  Other days, the dark uncertain times, they swarm you like hornets, stinging you over and over again.  Making the words fall from your eyes like tears splashing onto the page. You can avoid the whole thing,  by being normal, choose the hallmark life, pre-made and hollow love, never know mad love, never go crazy.  Live  the easy life, never risk anything, stay far far away from the edge.  If you want to call that living.  Bee bites and butterfly kisses, you can't just choose one, you have to live with them both.  The light wings of love and the swollen  eyes and hands from the stingers in your heart and soul... That's my life, the life I want at least... sleeping in the mouth of madness.  Somedays... it hurts, painful heart-wrenching hurt, Somedays its just so ******* beautiful all you do is weep at being alive to witness it.  Beautiful pain and heart breaking love... mad mad love.  How's that song go...

"You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me"

Is that the stones...No Joel you say, so you've heard it... but did you really listen, down in your gut far down below your ears.  See that's one of the problems of the easy life, they don't teach you to listen, really listen where it matters.  Deep down in your dark belly full of demons and monsters and devils, where all the do is listen and if you let them... they turn it all into mad love to keep you alive, really alive.  Not that fake life so many people are so desperate to live.  Every one so ******  afraid of letting a little pain or misery into their lives, all just wanting to be "happy".  Never learning or realizing what they end up missing out on.  A miserable life, there's a secret to it that they won't share with you.  To be miserable, truely  miserable... you have to be touched at least once, just once, by mad crazy stark raving lunatic mad love.  You have to have danced in the mountains of madness for just a second.  And that single touch and that single moment of dancing there among the lunatics of love... that kind of love, never leaves you.  It shoots straight to the marrow of your bones, the bottom of your bottomless heart, soaks into the darkness in the depths of your soul.  It may not stay in your arms or your bed, it may not last as long as it promised or you wanted... but it never just flat out leaves you.  It stays... after every other fire burns out, after every star falls from the sky, after the moon and sun commit their last act of love for each other and both drink each others poison, when the whole of existence just "poofs" and dissappears... That mad love will still be there.  And all those lucky lunatics who went mad and loved crazy will have it all to themselves... MmmHmmm, nothing but that Madness and love.  What a god forsaken beautiful **** fest of an **** that's going to be... just madness and love free from all the other *******, going at it like a couple of teens who just discovered the ability to ******.  And misery knows it, misey hates it.  Because misery can bend you over in a dark alley and take you by force... but misery goes away at just the hope of love, in the presence of love its nothing more than a mist and a ghost.  It might whisper to you behind loves back... but never face to face with love.  Misery is one of the merchants peddling the easy life with the pre-made hollow love and ideal of a happy safe life far away from that scary forbidden edge.  Don't fall for it... find your reason to go mad, find your passenger to drive laughing over the edge with.  Embrace your lunatic and fill your heart and your life with that mad mad love.  Be your miserable ******* self to the core and bitter end... if you need me, you can find me at the mouth of madness, just listen, you'll hear me singing, horribly and off key and out of tune, you can hear me singing to the moon.  You may not belive it, I know it sounds crazy... but baby your the one that saved me.  I'll be waiting here in this mad mad love you gave me... nothing beautiful left in this life for me to do... Thank you... I hope you know I love you.

"Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door..."
God answered laughing, "You can't come in!  I don't not give you this thing called sin,  you created that yourselves just like the atom bomb.  I will not wash you clean with my childs blood!  I don't know who made you, but it wasn't me.  The only thing I've ever done is paint the sky and clouds and seas amd shores and trees with love.  And all you do is try and ruin all those things too.  So go away I've got to go, the devil and I are playing!"

He spent more than six years avoiding it flawlessly, about the same time he had given up cigarettes.  For the most part, he did it for his son.  His father had been a good influence and he was determined to be the same.  Single, happy, just father and son.  They couldn't be any closer.  The mother left, to no fault of her own, because the guy that stole her away, her words, "he was just really good at talking... like a car sells men..."... Which was bs... he know she thought he was some big time **** on his way to big time money... It didn't work out that way, they both ended up at her grans' house.  That was 8 years ago, and she's on welfare with baby number four on the way from mystery daddy number four.  She was nothing more than a manipulater, she had sunk her claws into his broken heart, played him like the devil playing a fiddle, got what she wanted and tossed him aside.  Daddy number three had mysteriously killed himself... but that's all off track of this tale.
You see, he wanted his son to grow into and be a better person than he had.  To have better and more choices as he headed out into the world on his own.  He wanted him to be smart, he had to be smart.  When it was time for this dad to pass onto the great unknown, he knew his son would have to be able to stand up on his own.  His boy was not going to be able to lean on his mom, no, more than likely he would have to help her out when he was all grown up.  So he started to read to him before he could even crawl, started teaching him to read as soon as he could talk, taught him to count and add and subtract well before he was of school age.  And once in school kept at it, teaching him the next grade and two above his school level.  Piles of workbooks from bookstores and work sheets he made up himself.  Still doing it to this day, his son learning and soaking it all in.  Always up to the challenge of something new.  The dad always trying to do his best for his boy, not ever sure he was... but always trying.  
He wanted to make his son proud, he wanted to be that fatherly symbol of strength.  He wanted to raise his son beliving in equality, compassion, kindness, empathy, and mostly love.  Always reminding and telling his son, no matter how little we have, we always have enough to share.  And that sharing your time with someone was only second to sharing your love with someone.  They didn't have a lot, just enough to squeeze past... your basic pay check to pay check family of todays modern world.  Still, enough, he wouldn't work over-time when his son was with him.  He could make more money if he needed whenever his boy was with mom.  No amount of money was enough to pass up a day with his boy, telling his son, I can always make more money but once a day is gone we can never get it back.
Yea... he wanted so badly to be a good role model.
So he avoided dating... avoided anything and anyone that might make him even think or feel like he had any risk of falling in love.  He knew he didn't handle heartache well.... and he didn't want his son to see him walk around with a broken heart.  Didn't want his son to see him walk around depressed and wallowing around in self pity.  So he avoided it... quite well, for over six years.  
Then one day... never mind the circumstances and the how... he started talking to a stranger on the other end of the world.  Just harmless little messages sent back and forth, forth and back... It never should have led him to anything beyond a few friendly words on a screen... but somehow, someway... his heart was suddenly not his own  and his reason had taken leave of his senses.  He fell so fast for her, without even knowing until it was too late to stop it from happening.  He knew it couldn't end well but he couldn't stop smiling about her, or thinking about her... every message he fell deeeper into this abyss of madness and love.  All he could do was watch it unfold and pray when it came crashing down, pray for a quick death.  And that's where he is now... praying for love and a quick death.

How many times must a man fall in love
Before he accepts he's just a fool
And how many times can he drown in loves sea
Before he knows he can't swim
How many forevers can he find the end to
Before he realizes it just isn't for him
The answer my friend
Is beating in his heart
The answer is beating in his heart
How many loves can his heart bare to lose
Before it gives up all hope
And how many hearts will his hands fail to mend
Before he puts down the needle and thread
How many lives can he pull from the dark
And then be helpless to stop them from running back in
The answer my friend
Is beating in his heart
The answer is beating in his heart
How many wings will he mend and then watch break
Over and over again
And how many lost broken hearts can he save
Before he sees their number will just never end
How many souls will he scrub free of pain
Before he finds pain is all he knows
The answer my friend
Is beating in his heart
The answer is beating in his heart
And if you had the chance to ask him
Would you do it all again
He would quietly smile
And hum
For her I would do it
Until my heart can no longer beat
Over and over again

You got to use it all, all of it, your whole lousy stinking life.  Put it down on paper, scribble it with your pens, hit your typewriter hard and fast, pound it all down until your knuckles bleed white hot blood and scrawl it out with your last breath.   Give it your all until everything aches and drive it through the cold lonely nights down roads going to nowhere but heartbreak and faluire and pain.  And when the weight and depression kick in and get too heavy push down on the gas even harder and drive straight towards the edge laughing.  Let it punch you in the face until your eyes are swollen and you can't see anything but the darkness and despair and dance there with your guts spilling everywhere and your mad heart spewing out its broken teeth and black blood.  Don't forget to laugh, a howling and insane laugh!  Don't just be the bad punch line, be the whole god ****** ******* joke.  Use it all, all the misery and horror and loathing and pity and let your **** get hard and your ******* wet and just enjoy the ******* pain of it all.  Get drunk off it, get high off it, get off off it and spit your life back in its own face.  Just ******* be yourself for all it's worth.  Live painfully so you may die beautiful. And for **** sake, love madly or not at all.  Don't buy that fake *** hallmark puke, it isn't worthy of the stink of ink its printed with.  True love is only found in the beating hearts of lunatics down on the dance floor in hell.  They may not always dance that great, but man, they are ******* beautiful.