i don't know who i want you to be
anymore

i wanted you.
only you.
curled into you on the couch.
your eyes.
running my fingers through your hair and down your back over and over.
soft neck kisses.
stories in the dark.
bad singing in bed.

all i wanted you to be was stuck in that time.
mine.

i wanted to be the girl you told your friends back home about.
the girl u told your sister about.
the one you'd show off.
i wanted you to want me.

our sweet nights faded
as everything does --

i settled for being the girl you just wanted to ****.
even if it was nothing to you,
it kept you here.
at least it meant you wanted me -- part of me.
then, all you had to be was the guy who called me at 3 am after the party was over.
because at least you'd call.

i don't know who i want you to be anymore.

if i had to describe you,
the only way would be

inevitable.

you were always coming to me,
in ways i never could have seen until you were here.

you. you. you.
it's constant,
never ceasing to take a break,
ever pulsing.

I cannot escape
you.
I've carried my heavy limbs miles away from running my fingers down your back and through your curly hair.
I've cut myself off from sending you the thousands of messages I surely would have.

I don't know how to escape you.
you're inevitable to me.

even when you're gone,
and I swear it's over, for good this time,

I feel you coming back to me,
and I pray that you'll always be this
inevitable
home.

(a.g.)

Everyone one of them I couldn’t hold –

The first was like honey;
Sweet, lingering,
Slowly, sloppily, dripping off my fingers
As I realized I could no longer hold it.
Even as it slipped,
The sticky residue remained.
I’ve washed and washed a hundred times over
And still find the first one –
Sticky in all tiny creases I was sure I had scrubbed.

The second – sand.
I held closely to each grain,
Praying I could keep them,
Praying they’d magically solidify into something I could clutch;
Something I could keep.
The second slipped away,
Grain by grain,
Now there’s just the scent that I sometimes catch.

The third… is inconclusive.
The third appeared solid
But then quickly slipped away the second I tightened my hands around it
To keep it close.
3 comes back to me the second I am fine with its absence,
Until I try to grasp it –
My hands left restless and searching.

But am I meant to find something to hold?
Or am I meant to only have the residue,
The lingering,
Of all that once was,
And now is,
Me.

(a.g.)

how fragile this thing is...

you're not fully mine,
we spend so many nights
fully intertwined.
it feels like you're mine,
+ just as I almost let myself give into the idea you are,
just as I almost let the forbidden words slide off my tongue
effortlessly,
as they know no other way –
I remember that you aren’t mine

you don’t want to be.

I don’t know how close I can let you get –
you’ve already passes all the boundaries
put in place for all the others.
but you –

I give you everything.
I’m fully yours for the taking.

its so easy to be yours and give all I have to you,
but you aren’t fully mine
and you never will be.

Isn't it funny,

I can convince myself I deserve roses and songs and grand gestures and all the little sweet things,
I can convince myself that I won’t settle for anything less.
But, none of that seems to matter with you.
I worship at your feet that could kick me away a hundred times,
Bruised ribs and skin raw,
I’d come crawling back to you each time.
I’d give everything I own to touch your sweet lips
Or look at that smile;
You could chew me to pieces and spit me out
And I’d still want nothing more than you.
Isn’t it funny that I’d choose to be treated like **** in your arms
Than to be in the arms of someone who would worship me.

None of it matters when it comes to you.

(a.g.)

the sun always sets.
it always leaves me.

I’m waiting for you to see it …
As they all have before.
That my eyes don’t carry as much light as you thought they did,
That I don’t know how to hold you in the ways you’d like,
That I’m not enough.

I’m praying that you don’t see it;
As you wrap your arms around me and bring me to your chest,
And carefully place tender kisses on my head,
With the same lips that carry the best smile my heart has known,
And you have these eyes that I don’t think I could ever forget,
And looking into them is like finding something sacred and new
and I can imagine years passing… but your eyes and the way they look at me –
that remains untouched.  

I’m praying you don’t see it;
As I wake up next to you,
Your hand still in mine, holding me just as you had the night before --
You traced my fingers so gently until I fell asleep.
As our eyes meet and the purest smile forms on your face
just before you lean in to kiss me.

I’m praying you don’t see it…


(a.g.)

Sometimes everything clicks –
Just a glimpse and I know it’ll be gone.

In the midst of the chaos and confusion,
the sun set on the “almosts”
and led to this golden dawn.

There you were,
unassumingly + perfectly placed in my world;
waiting for me.

I don’t remember how it started, or how exactly I was led to you,
But you make sense.
In the middle of it all –
Fire alarms, crowds of people,
You found me.  
There are only flashes of everything else --  
Brown eyes, your shirt, the color green, drunken conversations about Parks and Rec,
a piece of gum, the way you looked back at me when you got in the car…
a sureness that I’d see you again.

Here we are in this golden hour.
I know this epiphany won’t last forever --
I'll hold it close while it does.

You overwhelm me with this feeling
that everything is falling into place.
Even if it’s all gone by sunset,
I’m glad it all led to you --
right now.

(a.g.)

I want to believe the best in you,
But I can’t bring myself to do it.

Every time I get close,
Every time I give into that cautious optimism --
convincing myself to inch closer and closer to the ledge --
I’m left alone, wondering why I wasn’t enough, or if I did something wrong;
Clawing to get back to something that was never even there.

But you seem so good.
I’m stuck in your kind eyes
+ the lightness of your laugh
+ the way you hold me close and run your fingers through my hair.
Your smell is still on my clothes,
and I can’t stop smiling.
You seem gentle,
And kind and smart and brave.
You seem like exactly what I’m looking for…

But, they always do.
They always say what I want to hear,
And they all feel like home,
For a little while,
Until it isn’t enough anymore...
And it’s like nothing ever happened.

Oh God, I hope this is different.
I hope you’re different.

(a.g.)

I never thought you noticed me
like I noticed you;
stealing glances, praying I'd catch your blue eyes.

But here you are,
right in front of me --
It's you
+ your eyes
and the way they make me feel lighter when they look into mine.
+ your hands
and the way they they hold mine like they've never been unattached,
and how they make me feel like I finally found the home I've tirelessly searched for.
+ your words
even though I know they're old and worn, and given to every one before me,
I know I could fall in love with them anyway.

The possibility of you is enough.

(a.g.)

here I am
begging you to want me.

I hold the sand so tightly,
but no matter how great my efforts,
or how tight my grip,
every grain eventually falls --
leaving me.

it's easy for the sand to leave my hands;
it knows no other way.

but, here I am anyway,
begging someone to stay.

(a.g.)

maybe it was just the idea of you;
but you were an epiphany.

you woke me up
and showed me everything I had settled living without.

like a mirror held to the sun,
I gleamed with a seemingly new light --
you never knew my darkness.

you taught lessons in high expectations
and you seemed to be well versed in my deepest hopes.

you're realization was my awakening;
but,
all along it was just the idea of you.

a.g.

Was it you?
Or was it everything else?

(a.g.)

You are love,
You *were love...

At least, you are what I wanted love to be.

You were a hope that filled me to the brim --
leaving every moment an intoxicating
"what if".

But, I don't think you're love anymore,
at least, not what I want love to be.
If you were,
I would have been worth it.
If you were love,

You would have stayed.

(a.g.)

My eager heart jumps from one thing
To another;

And everything remains
halfway done.

(a.g.)

I find myself to be a lot like Hamlet.

A tragic hero,  
Stitched together with all the right intentions;
But never the will to carry things out.

To be,
or not to be.
That is the question.

(a.g.)

A stranger asked me,
"If you could be anything,
what would you be?"

My mind flooded with images of the perfect girl --
a glowing girl,
surrounded by people who saw her light.
And the world was hers,
if only she asked it to be.

But, I didn't reply.
Not a single word.

(a.g.)

I’m really scared that I won’t become all I am capable of.

I feel that if you were to cut me open,
Potential and opportunity would flow out of me.
But, here I am –
Coming up short.

What if something goes wrong along the way?
What if I take the wrong job,
say yes to the wrong boy,
or move to the wrong town?
What if I miss out on an incredible life and settle for a mediocre one,
Because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,
or I didn't think I deserved better.

I want to become something.
I pray I don’t miss it.
God, let me become all I am capable of.

(a.g.)

I hate how things fade.

You know those days and people you swear you’ll never forget?
Because they made you feel so full;
So complete.

They fade.
Like you’re driving past them in a car that never stops,
They grow smaller and smaller in the distance,
Until you can’t see them anymore –
You only remember when you were there
every once and a while.

I feel like I am fading.
Slowly getting farther away...
Please stop the car.
Don’t let me be a distant memory.

(a.g.)

My soul ignites on days like these.

Days spent singing (yelling) as loud we can
To our new favorite songs.

Laughter bubbling up inside us,
And we see the joy in each other’s eyes
As gratified tears escape them.

Days spent tumbling around in the bed of a truck,
As it trails down winding dirt roads.
Feeling the wind rush through you
As your eyes acquaint themselves with the sunset.

Nights where we tell scary stories,
look for ghosts,
and feel adrenaline seep through us --
seeking thrills.

Nights spent in long conversation --  
Bundled up in blankets next to the fire.

Nights spent looking at the stars
as all of our favorite songs hum in our ears –
wishing for everything to stay
just. like. this.

These are the days I’ll remember.
These are the days I thank God I’m alive.

(a.g.)

There was a time when all I was
depended on you.
I gave you all the power you could want.
My hopes and dreams were
right in the palm of your hand.
I wrapped everything I was around you --
tight --
So you could not escape me.

A sky full of shooting stars
and you were my only wish...

How sad is that?

Shooting stars are for me now.
I wish for myself.

(a.g.)

I am sure now that it was
only the idea of you.
The idea of you
clenched my heart in its
strong, unwavering hand.
My heart could no longer beat
without knowing your tight grip.

You’re fading now...
I’m learning to live without you.

(a.g.)

It’s okay to miss things –
Like your favorite shirt when you were little
that you lost or outgrew;
Your old room;
Your old friends you haven’t talked to in months;
Lost loves...

You can miss who you used to be.

But, should we try to forget them?
Maybe we should.  
Because it's too hard to remember all these things
and pretend I feel whole without them.

you said you’d be my bridge over troubled waters,
but you left.
now I’m left
drowning in your blue eyes
and all we could have been.

I wrote you letters,
Knowing you would never read them –
But at least it made me feel close to you,
If only for a little while.
A sliver of hope preoccupies me,
telling me that maybe someday you will read them…
Maybe someday you’ll find your way back to me.
Maybe you and I really were meant to be.

I don’t think about you as much anymore --
But I still think about you.
Maybe my heart is finally learning that it can’t break itself
Over and over
As it realizes that you weren’t meant to be mine.

I thought you were…

God seemed to send me so many signs.
Did I make them all up?
Did I want you so badly that I believed every little thing was a leading me to you?
It couldn't have been all in my head.
You felt it too, right?

We shared our darkest secrets,
All the little details,
You seemed to understand me
in the way I have craved to be understood.
Did I make that all up?

And we were always happy.
You made me smile like I never have –
Everyday.
Did I not make you feel that way?

Was this all in my head?

Did I break my own heart with the mere idea of you?
But, oh, I still love the idea of you --  
And me.
I can’t escape this.
No matter how hard I try, I always end up back here;
Clinging to you.

Maybe one day I’ll forget.
You’ll go from a daily thought,
To a monthly one.
I’ll lose the idea of you,
Until I only remember you when a certain song comes on,
Or I remember a joke you told me.

The idea of losing you seems impossible –
every little thing seems to point me back to you.

(a.g.)

If only I could go back

I keep thinking about how I would do everything differently –
I would have walked with more confidence,
I would have spoken up more,
I would have told you how I felt,
Or maybe I would have held more in…
Maybe that would have made a difference.
If I could go back
I would be kinder – especially to myself,
I would not care so much about what others think,

I would be better.

But, there’s no going back.
We must accept the weight of the past.

(a.g.)

one day this will all seem like nothing.

oh how I wish today was that day.

(a.g.)

You gave me hope.
When I felt like I had nothing, at least I had you.

Remember when you used to talk to me every day?
Remember how we just seemed to understand each other so easily?
Do you remember?  
Everything came easily.
Remember when we talked on the phone for hours?
I do.
I can’t forget.
I try to forget you -
To lose the image of your eyes,
Or misplace the sound of your laugh -  
I try so hard to get rid of all of You.
But you are inescapable.
I can’t evade the idea of you and “what could have been”.

We will never get to find out.

Why was it so easy for you to forget me?
You just left -  
left my high hopes to crumble.

(a.g.)

Nothing hurts nor heals like the powerful words
“It's temporary”.

He was my whole life.
future, present, past
And we didn’t last –  
that’s all there was to it.
No big shebang, no yelling, no tears…
Only a soft goodbye.

That fourth of July,
He held me close,
We swayed to the music,
He whispered, “I love you” in my ear,
People were watching
Fireworks bursting -
I never would have thought it was temporary.
I never would have thought our love would grow so old so soon,
That we’d say words to hurt each other so deeply.
I never could have imagined that all the love I felt in my heart for him was not enough to have him for longer.
As if someone pulled a plug out of the bathtub,
And all we had slipped through the drain –
before we could even notice it was gone.

I built all I was around you --  
But you were only temporary.
When I let you strip away my layers,
bared for you to see all that I was,
I was giving you my forever…
But, you weren’t meant to stay.

I know I was supposed to meet you, I have always known that. I felt it in my heart the day I first saw you.
I assumed that meant you’d be my always,
I think we both did.
But, you, you were only temporary;

Like a temporary tattoo to a little kid,
It’s bright and perfect and AMAZING the first couple of days,
But then it fades,
Gets ***** and sticky,  
And it never washes off as easily as you want it to.
If you weren’t meant to be permanent,
I wish I could stop my mind from missing you
and get rid of this sticky residue –
But then again, my dear,
Missing you will only be temporary.

(a.g.)

You say I played games with your heart…
that I took all we were for granted.
But trust me (if you can)
I never saw any of this as a game.

It hurts me to think that
you don’t think I tried hard enough.
Oh, please understand that I tried.
I gave you every inch of me
Every hidden corner,
Every sharp edge,
Every soft curve.
I gave you my whole universe,
And in doing so, I stopped expanding.
I stopped growing into myself so I could only grow toward you -
My sun.

I never saw you as a toy.
You were my greatest weakness,
My best friend,
And my world.
The day I decided I needed to grow for myself, the universe of our love was swallowed up in its entirety.

I hope you understand,
I gave you all of me, maybe too much of me --
In loving you, I lost who I was.
Maybe it’s time we both start expecting better,
Me for myself,
And you for your love.

This was never a game to me.
But, if it was a game,
and the prize was our love,
we both lost.

But, maybe we will understand why we had to lose this,
And maybe one day we’ll be fine.

(a.g.)

He said he wished we lived somewhere else
where we didn't end the way we did.

even if we did --  
live on some alternate planet and were slightly alternate versions of ourselves,
I don't think it would have changed anything.

even if he would have answered the phone
when I wanted him to,
written me more love letters,
taken me on more adventures,
or held me when I needed him most.
even if he had taken time for all the little things...

I don't think it would have changed anything.

(a.g.)

When I was five,
I filled my doll house with almost
a hundred rollie polies
(Trust me, I counted)
Simply because I wanted them to have
A nice home.

Dirt wedged under the nails
Of eager hands that hunted.
The small bugs curled into
Little planets
As they rolled to the center of my palm.

One by one,
They went into the worn, plastic, cup.
I peered closely at them in sheer admiration,
As though they were the equivalent
Of a puppy underneath a Christmas tree.

They were taken to the room of
Bunny rabbit wallpaper and afternoon naps.
Each one placed after
Careful deliberation
Into the room it would like the best.

Then, a blur:
The shrieks of my parents,
A hurried search party,
And the heart-sinking disappointment
That the humble earth-dwellers
Had not appreciated
My generous mansion.

How fragile dreams are.
For two seconds of joy,
There was half an hour of pure chaos.

Oh, isn’t that just how some things go?

The expectation is better.

(a.g.)