Like an elevator I will let everybody down
I will lift you up and watch as you leave me
Cold as echoing metal,
Empty

His fingers pull the color from my cheeks.
"You don't belong here," he whispers against my neck.

I shake my head. I can't listen to him.
"Please," I beg. "I promised them I was trying to get better." To leave you behind, I almost add.

He smiles, sending shivers across my sight. "You did as you promised," he says.
"You tried and you failed."
My grip on the world weakens, the colors blur and fade...

He catches me when I fall lifeless into his arms.
"You can't leave me," he murmurs.
He cradles my still body and gold dress into his chest, his laughter joining hands with my heartbeat, stealing it away into the darkness.
"This is where you belong."

Death smiles at the stars.
He knows my fate.

He always wins.

You brave, brave souls
Staking your ground with your banners
Defiant, your words claim
This is my story
Who I am
And no one, and nothing will take that away from me

How I wish I could be like you.

have a good time but I
some can and want but time
want time but I
good like the happy princess
but I my, my

Enough
Enough of this

I will breach these boxes and these lines
I will make ladder out of their graph paper
Climb higher, climb higher
Until ribbons of orange and yellow and blue are clenched streaming from my fist
Weaved through my heart
Whsipering in circles

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, **I'm alive, *I'm alive, I'm alive.

If I asked, would you let me die?

When I really think about it
I realize that there is no point in doing anything.
None of my actions really matter.
Death is inevitable.
And once you're dead, it's not like time stops...
The world keeps moving & goes on without you.
We are all just insignificant beings made of flesh and blood.
And we like to distract ourselves from that thought.
We like to think that there's more to it and life is worth so much but really
you're born, you live, you die.

Didn't really expect another one so soon? Neither did I. But it turns out that once you start walking in the gardens of death, the scent of the flowers there is overpowering. Poppy fields, blood red, sweet sleep- addicting. Your nose keeps leading you in circles even when your head warns you to watch your step.
I wish I could say this was for real. But the problem is, we all know me by now. I'm never actually going to, and that makes it hard for people to care.
"There she goes, the one always bothering us about her nonsense. Why won't she give this up already?"
I'm still trudging through my life sentence, chains on my ankles, family and friends on my wrists. It's hard for them to understand. To them, it's all "**** yourself already" or "join the rest of society." It's a waste of everyone's time otherwise.
I've become the girl who cries wolf, and everyone including me knows she's always sounding a false alarm. But god, I can't help but cry sometimes, can I? It hurts, it hurts. I bite my lips to keep from falling down the stairs.
The scent of poppies clouds around my head.
I can't help but wonder if everything I do is somehow goodbye. If maybe I'll get run over by a car on the 40 minute walk home. Or maybe I'll finally lose myself so far in this cloud of flowers that I test out the surest way to die. Just in case, I'm trying to build a pile of memories of me. Just in case one day someone needs to fill up a girl-sized space in the world. Just in case.
It's just that, no matter how grand this world seems, there's only so much to do here. There's only a few categories of gifts you can buy for people, a few types of jobs you can do. The days play on repeat, always purposeless, always fatal. And I'm trying to color them all with sunbeams and starshine, but I'm weary. One day, I don't think the lights will be warm enough. One day, I think I'm going to give up.
But not today. Today, I force my eyes open, and I watch my step. I will not stumble into a final rest among these sweet, soft flowers, lovely as it sounds.
I will not give up today.

i'm hurt
you're hurting me
*and whatever

Let's go chase the sun and paint the walls
In shades of gold and strokes of rain.
I'll pretend I don't see the whitewash underneath.
Let's go jump over puddles and dance through dust
Dizzy from turning on our toes, but don't stop.
I know what's waiting when I stop, when the world stops being a blur.

Laughter.
Adventures.
Distractions.

Unless they're not.

What if it was all a goodbye?
One more memory before I leave.

I'm typing these words to distract myself from the never-ending oblivion that hovers over this naive little bubble

It's in my inhale, hands to my throat as I choke
On tips of fingers that dance across screens and on every flower petal that falls
It waits
Oh, how come no one seems to see?

I close my eyes and type words as fast as I can
It doesn't matter what they say
As long as I can forget
*I know the meaning of infinity