Immunity at the cost
Of false patriotism.
Immunity at the cost of
A heart... a life.

“You’re doing God’s work, Son.”
You hear as you march.
March in to the pit of ****** and blindness.
“He had a gun!” You cry.
“He was only a child.” I reply.

You take validity out of the words of the oppressed.
You take money from the pockets of the poor.
How many memories must you repress
To feel empowered enough,
to drop the innocent to the floor?

Half of my time alive I've been on the cusp of suicide.
An ideal that is swayed by either a state of depression or just a lack of drive.
The other half, bareable pain spattered with glimpses of true happiness, which I can't seem to hold on to.
I've experimented (usually in depth) these different methods of obtaining something.
Not knowing what I had been looking to obtain.
Just some sort of fulfillment.. or purpose or whatever we're supposed to gain in order to ease the pain of existence.
Excuse me for being so blunt but, this light.. this fleeting light..
A light that taunts me like the ideal i earlier spoke of yet I'm only ever granted glimpses of what it can do.
It begs the question, what about all of the moments when I thought I grew?
I did all the things my sponsors said.. my therapists, my mentors.
Yet this light continues to remain unattainable.
I'm screaming at myself "please, let somebody love you!"
And logically, I know, when you tell me that I'm capable of being free, I'm worth the love you're trying to give me but surely enough I continue to push it away.
I can't seem to escape myself, so the best thought I've yet to come up with is to escape myself.
Living life in what is clearly insanity I can't help but to continue to live.. on the cusp of suicide.

Walking with purpose,
As if through quicksand.
Attempting to move forward,
Inevitably sinking.

Promises of mutual effort
Promises of reward

What’s more,
Valueless.

So put on the ritz
In the form of the rich.
Shower me with lies,
And those with blind eyes.

I know what you’re up to.

Give me your pain, give me your sorrow
I feel what you feel
You don’t deserve to hold on to this but see, I do.
Some of us are meant to live in the deep end, constantly trying not to drown.
Occasionally thinking how much easier it would be to just go down.
See, for me there is no way out. If you have found yours, give me the weight of what you carry and go.
If there is any purpose I’ve found, this is it.
How can I survive through so much pain if that isn’t true?

love feels like corrosion.
Here begins the thought.
What good has it ever brought?

Like a euphoric high creating vulnerability.
Let it in and let it make you feel weak.
This is how it feels with my heart on my sleeve,
Not quite knowing what it is that I seek.

Confide in me, confiding in you

They say love is the answer
I’ve yet to find this to be true.
As much as you say you love me, I’ll never believe you.

I’ll hurt you.