We always said we didn’t know what we would do without each other
But we did know

We’d only known each other for two years

I wasn’t there when your parents split up and each remarried
or when you had to get stitches on your face
or watched your first scary movie

And you weren’t there when I smoked my first cigarette
or tried to **** myself when I was 13
or when I won that soccer game my freshman year

The last time we had *** we were in a rush
because we had school in 37 minutes
and so we made it sloppy and fast in your shower
and then we drove to school together with wet hair and we laughed

The last time we had *** I got pregnant

This wasn’t one of those scares where you’re two weeks late
so you buy a few cheap tests and it’s negative
so you stash the rest in the back of your drawer and forget about it

I got pregnant on the first day of June and I never told you

I miscarried on the last day of August
and you never even knew how close you came to being a father

We stopped talking and I couldn’t even tell you
how I was stunned into silence when I realized I was going to be a mother and then knew I had to keep it a secret

Knew I had to keep our dark haired future to myself

So here it is the end of February

I should have been having the baby this week or next
and you NEVER EVEN KNEW

I watch you say how much you love this little 15 year old girl
you’ve been dating for six months

I miscarried the day you started dating so tell me that was just a

coincidence

But don't you dare ever tell me you don't know what you'd do without me
Well, I guess you wouldn't anymore

Seeing as how you don't want me

We popped ourselves up to the ideas of pop culture
and adopted the looks of orphans
spray paint and swear words
too loud overcrowded mischief
the misgivings of being too young
children throwing tantrums over ice cream
calendars fell and the montage ended
we were flung across the globe as dandelion seeds
weeds to be weeded
I was playing tight rope on the fence
and fell on the side with no safety net
skinned knees and black eyes
the stoners the dropouts the thugs and **** ups
***** and *******
******* and *******
these were just words
deactivated model replicas pointed at the head
college student with a chip on the shoulder
and the one they called the jester
and the one they called the king
with return addresses tattooed on arms
the awake became the living dream
no time for nights of nightmares
enough scare to go around
pack another GB and cry some more
my blood is ink dripping from the pen
yours drips from thighs and forearms
you want to be the new thing
you forgot what the original means
and burned all of your dictionaries a while ago
check my *** cheek
the origin is there
UK/USA
now all the lights are off
and the moon hangs fat, sacrificial in the sky
do you want the moon? That’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you the moon.

I was your cure
but you were my disease
I was saving you
but you were killing me

I tell you I've been busy
And sometimes I've been dizzy
Going somewhere constantly
Wandering unconsciously

Too tired to pretend
Just hope I'm near the end
Getting harder every day
To remember what to say

Every time I look
Every chance I took
Got me right back here to see
That You're right in front of me

All the times I hide
All the reasons why
Get me right back to the start
Take these pieces of my heart

I look like someone hurting
Others they are learning
Not to stand and stare at me
Not to ask me what they see

Burdens on my shoulders
I have lifted boulders 
Nothing that I cannot do
When will I give in to You

Every time I look
Every chance I took
Got me right back here to see
That You're right in front of me

All the times I hide
All the reasons why
Get me right back to the start
Take these pieces of my heart

And I'm never going to get it right
Not in this life, not in this life
I'm never going to get it down 
Not here tonight, no not tonight
And if I never really get this thing right
That is alright, that is alright
If I never really figure all of this out
Then it's just fine, yeah it's just fine

Every time I look
Every chance I took
Got me right back here to see
That You're right in front of me

All the times I hide
All the reasons why
Get me right back to the start
Take these pieces of my heart

Oh take these pieces of my heart
Take me right back to the start.

I am not a Number,
     I am not a Name
I am neither Voice
     nor Face

I am not a Body,
     I am not a Force
I am not a Color
     and I am not a Noise.

I am not a Secret,
     I am not a Sight
I am not a Vision
     I am not Right.

I am not an Hour,
     I am not a Breath
I am not a Picture,
     I am not a Rest.

I am not a Whisper,
     I am not a Shout
I am not a Melody,
     I am not a Note.

But I am a Soul,
     I am a Spirit
I am a Word to the Wise
     Saying, I am Here.

You’re dizzy, lightheaded
Did you wonder where it was from?
Your eyes still sting, they’re blurry
Did you think you couldn’t close them?

Not sure if tears or screaming
Caused this pain so true
You’re breathing fast and falling past
Just hoping something catches you

You’re tempted and tried to just let go
It’s pulling at your grip
Not sure if the broken glass is a sign
That if you walk you’ll trip

Oh, but don’t you know
Don’t you remember?
There’s someone out there waiting
He’s been keeping you together.

Humans deserve so much more
than we give each other.
People are these perfect receptors and givers of love
and we deserve each other more than anything else
We deserve God and love
and happy-ever-afters
but that doesn't stop the reality of the situation
when people don't get what they deserve
and it's not selfish, but it is selfish
It's the most selfish thing they could do
But they need to be selfish,
when the pain is so much that there is no other solution-
you need to put your needs above others,
because you can only control yourself and your life.
But if me building a friendship with him would have changed anything,
or if they had planted the ******* grass seed earlier
so it would've been ******* green
or if I could hug her until I could breathe my will to live into her
I would. I would change everything
not so he had to go on living miserably
but so that he could have the chance
that one day it wouldn't be miserable anymore.
I would die so that everyone would forever be happy.
Christ did.
He didn't die for this, He didn't die for misery,
He died for hope- and we rejected Him, and
we loved less and less as years went by
and in the midst of turning away to our glorious 'freedom'
we forgot that we were happier before, and maybe this mental state
isn't what it should be, and maybe we should change something,
and maybe if we all just loved each other more, he'd still be here.
We've been cutting each other apart for years and
now we're reaping our grisly harvest.
But now he's gone. There is no closure,
No why
No how
Once they're off the cliff, you can no longer grasp their hands,
and no one sees a need to until they're broken on the chasm floor
"Oh, I would've held on tighter if I would've known!"
Whatever you would have done to save someone,
you should do to them every single day,
because you never know how close they are to falling off the edge.

People talk about it all the time
but it wasn't a reality til today.
I'm ******* ******, I'm tired of using other people's words
All these phrases are cliches, mindless placations and all that can run through my mind is *******, and that's not how I feel, that's how everyone else who goes through these things feels, I don't feel like this, it didn't happen, this didn't happen, even that's a cliche, I just want to use my own words, but everything important's already been said and I just want to stop using english because all of these words have been used and it's not fair, why can't I use my own words to describe my mental state? Every euphemism is pointless, that's not what these things are, there's no way to say it, my mind doesn't look like it's supposed to right now, it hurts, but it doesn't, it's numb, it's nonexistent, I don't want to keep using these pointless words, this was supposed to be a poem.
It was supposed to be a poem. It was supposed to have an ending. A real one. A beginning a middle and an end. It's cut off in the middle of a sentence just like that ******* book and why do I have so many ******* relative quotes but no real quotes of my own? Someone called it bad timing but there's no good time but really some are better than others but actually when is the best hour to **** yourself?