Buried deep within teenage romance
And wit and strife and philosophical musings and --

He'd nudged my foot,
His face is a gorgeous grin over these pages.
I glance back to them.

The love interest rose up now
Handsome and beautiful
Charming, clever, humorous, and deep
(But did he have to be oh so middle class American??
And did she? Or I, first person as it is?) --

He's started to stroke my toes now,
Gently, just how I like it.
I'm not kidding when I say
"If you touch my feet I'll fall in love with you"
It's almost instantaneous.

A heroic act of selfless love:
Amsterdam snows confetti
Virginities are lost or traded or gifted
Heroes are demoted --

He kisses my head now,
My cheek, my temple
Interrupts with a story,
Hilarious I am sure
"What was that? Sorry, I'm distracted"
I giggle
Engrossed in the 'other land'

Love blooms on the wings of angels
(And all those other cliches)
He is perfect, yet flawed, as they all are.
As we all are.
They click and rebound and discuss
They laugh, they cry:
They try to fill a part of themselves with
The Other --

I glance up, spying on my own lover
His soft glance on the laptop
Beautiful lips
Gorgeous style
Our own joking, rebounding, enthused exchanges.
Our own supporting, caring, deep meaningfuls.
And I'm not jealous. Not of them. Or anyone. Not one bit.

Yet tragedy is ever present!
And our handsome and perfect lover
Is tossed into Oblivion:
Or to a Something's Somewhere --

"He's dying!" I cry to beautiful brown eyes
Framed with long wavy black.
The darkness holds amusement and affection.

Their perfect and tragic love is ever more so
For its fleeting 'forever'
Its lessened 'infinity':
Beautiful and fragile --

His arms are around me tight
Why am I affected so?
Too easily invested?
But it's not that.
The emotions are too close.
It had been described so well.
Loss.
So accurate.
And these feelings not completely healed
- But healing. Slowly.
Time heals all wounds,
But maybe some are forgotten, sealed away
This one. This one slowly eases.
Some infinities are larger than others.*
And his love surrounds me
As emotions leak from some deep place
Let out to the Universe
Hopefully to never return.

For all the plants that never get the chance to dance in the wind
For the wilted who spill, drinking away their built up sin
To those who choose not to speak in order to avoid disaster again
I dare you, to put down your sword, and pick up a pen

Defenses guarding false pretenses anchored by apprehension
Left my soul suspended in the smog of a ***** dimension
Purging through pores and unlocking my mind's doors
Left me to believe in things I could not accept before.
Eye put on a pair of wings to elevate and see what was really in store

I chose limitless bliss and unending warmth

No longer was life a chore,
implored by something more
lured by an unseen force

and with all three eyes I now adore

..Knowing I am a fractal
could-be casualty
swallowing humanity's vain reality
drowning out the worst in me
cutting all my puppet strings
from the cloud that had power to make me bleed

noticing symphonic synchronicites
I jumped in the river and floated downstream

inhaling sweet oxygen no longer dying to breathe
For when we try to release, we see peace as it comes naturally
we've been searching for tranquility when it exists in you n me.
the modified god with unlimited ability
Yet even the highest high can go blind when we lose the will to dream

I can't be there for each road as it bends
But I know as of late, can't say I've been a good friend.
So with every ounce of love I can extend
I'll meet you down the river, at what seems to be the percieved end.

You will meet an eagle eager to offer you a feather,
dip it in ink.
Write out every single pattern of you weather,
and let it take you to the brink.
The frequencies within and around will astound as you use shears on your own tether,
Faster than you can unconsciously blink.
At last you can relax knowing it gets better forever,
For together we won the right to think.

You play with the great globe of union,
you that see everyone so clearly
and cannot be seen. Even universal


intelligence gets blurry when it thinks
you may leave. You came here alone,
but you create hundreds of new worlds.



Spring is a peacock flirting with
revelation. The rose gardens flame.
Ocean enters the boat. I throw
it all away, except this love for Shams.

Motionless
I stare at my past
as it enters the present.
A rush of cold blood
dismantles my stance
as I shake within the bellowing air
and mourn as the act unfolds.

Brown leaves and red leaves
And yellow like your hair
Hugs and secrets and baring our souls
And things we wouldn’t normally share

The air is crisp and cold and mean
Like poisonous darts on my skin
These evils that attack my delicate heart
Are tearing it limb from limb

Let’s fall back to the twenty-third of June
If our sweaty pinkies hugged it out
And promised each other everything
Then what was that all about?

My cheeks are pink and sting from outside
You’d normally pull me in from the cold
Because you were shy and I was shy
But together we were bold

Now you’re out, around and around
Never to return again
Just skipping all over and playing cards
With a redhead named Mary Jane

My favorite cowardly lion has found her courage
And left me to face the fact
She’s gone and left every scar open
With no hope of falling back

Beholden.
I am for a tainted past.
Years of scars.
Inwardly vast.
Recollected memories so brawn.
In my dreams.
They will never be gone.
At a time..
Feeling worthless...
Knowing now.
A test..
A test of hidden purpose.
Purpose that has given me preparation.
Inspiration.
Determination.
Motivation for a delightful future is now my affixation.
I am..
Beholden.

I am a step behind death,
Following slowly behind the blackness.
I am a step beyond love,
Leaps and bounds beyond what everyone talks about.

And I will die trying to stop that plane.
The plane that’ll carry you away,
Back over the rainbow, to your musical life
And sun kissed afternoons
I will die trying to hold you here.

I am a step behind death,
Heaven and Hell are leading me down.
I am a mile beyond love,
Feet and yards beyond what everyone else feels.

And I will die trying to keep you here.
The place you came to explore,
Foggy and rainy and lonely and empty,
With no sun or the sky to bid you welcome.
Just the girl that wants to trap you here.

I am right beside death.
The dark is helping me hold this airplane down.
I am mountains beyond love.
Treks and journeys beyond what everyone talks about.

Dear, can I be honest with you?
I just don’t know anymore; I don’t know what to do.
I’ve forgotten how to be the girl everyone needs me to be.
And I don’t know how I got so far away from you.
I just don’t know why you even stuck around or why
You even dared to raise your glass to many more last nights.

Never once in my wildest nightmares did it come to this, but here we are.
Swallowing the water we’re surrounded by and being weighed down.
And the more we try to stay up, the more we drown.
Never once in my greatest daydream did you even stick around, but here you are.
But it’s only a matter of time before you close the door on any chance we had.
But it’s only a matter of time before we go back to being empty and sad.

I long to be near you, just to stand by you.
I’ve said it too many times and you’re probably tired
Of hearing my voice, this sorry broken record.
It all makes sense when I look into your eyes.
Everything falls into place when your baby browns meet mine,
But when I look away, it’s all askew and undefined.

Life has thrown me curveballs I’ve managed to dodge.
I’ll never regret catching you, you random act of God.
You’ve given me hope and found me when I was lost.
You are too good for me and I don’t need to be told twice.
But I need to be around you to keep myself alive, to keep myself up.
The touch of your skin, the sound of your voice, I can’t get enough.

I’m being honest, dear.