it's like when i saw you
i had woken up from a dream
only to realize
everything that came before
was a nightmare

poetry is supposed to make the reader feel things
but all i feel is emptiness unless i've taken a couple little white pills

love is supposed to drive you wild
but im making you crazy

And conversations are supposed to make you closer
but im talking to myself

God, I hate drinking
but I love popping pills
I hate being in love
but I love the way you feel

My skin feels like fire
when I slice it left to right
but, ****, I feel so cold
whenever I see you cry

I tore the filter off of the last Lucky Strike I had
Just as a close friend taught me to
after school in the church parking lot.
It wasn't a metaphor
we just wanted the purest tobacco to infiltrate our lungs
and the nicotine to take the pressures of the day away
*even if it was just for an hour or so

I spend a lot of time talking to myself
I guess I just have an awful lot to say

Day in and Day out
the mountains stand
oh, so far above me.

So tall over me, as if to say
that I will never measure up to
their beauty or elegance

oh how I've tried,
And I thought I came close once
But not here

The flat northern European hills are calling to me
they whisper songs in my sleep
*vi sætter brør i brænd, vi finder aldrig hjem

Sorry that I get angry and mask it with sad
I'm sorry about what you went through with dad
that he hit you and hurt you
and made you feel like ****
and that i thought i was strong for handling it

im sorry that you find me some tuesday nights
naked in the bathtub by candle light
that you know that i just lay on the floor
that you wish and you beg for me to eat more

I'm sorry that you want more for me
and that some days you just can't see
how bad it gets, or it has been
im sorry that im always drunk with friends

i know that you didnt picture me like this
there's a daughter that you miss
I hope one day you get her back
instead of this walking anxiety attack

There were pictures of us on the wall
Right above the bed
and a note you wrote in blue ink with a felt tip pen
you slipped it in my pocket
when we went to the park
and we acted like idiots and raced to the swings
remembering things is too **** easy for me

Dear future me:
Please be forgiving.

I hope she likes your singing.

-

.

I was in love. Never again.

.

i saw an old woman water plants in the rain.

on a plane with rows of scared faces
first time flyers
exotic new places
but I'm going to east Texas
and I call you when I land
show me that taco place you love so much
you can drive slow, and I'll be holding hold your hand


I think if I was stuck for you for the rest of my life
maybe that wouldn't be so bad
we could hold hands when it gets quiet, listen to the echoes of our breath

I didn't bite my nails in your presence
you made me forget to be anxious
you're changing majors there's major changes and  
I wana paint a picture but I don't have a brush/ so I'll use my hands as you did once, I'll be gentile, loving, and smooth to the touch

I took myself out
for coffee

I've had dreams
bad ones;
good ones;
some that didn't make any
*******
sense

You're scared that I'm going to hurt you. That you'll be scattered in pieces on the floor.
Well I'm not sure I can deny that. I know how destructive I am. I know it from the blades I drag along my skins and the fingers I stick down my throat after every meal. I know from the way I imagine killing myself like a glowing exit sign in a cave darker than a new moon night.
I'm not going to hurt you yet darling. And know that it's not my intention
It's just that I love things too hard and then not at all
Like I love to fly
But more the fall

Dear past me:
You got this.

There's you
and there's him
and there's me and all my problems
And I'm through
Yeah it's fin.
Nothing's gonna solve them.

Just let me stay away
While it's still not weird
This towns a little crowded
And I'll get outta here
I'll get outta here

Move up to Seattle I'll dye my hair green
Open up a little shop of imported coffee
Maybe by then I really won't care
Empathy gone and apathy there

This isn't about you
More about everything
Or about all we've been through
Well, considering

I'm laying sober on the bathroom floor
Man That's a first.
You and I as something more
"bad idea"
"Yeah. The worst"

.