VanillinVillain

VanillinVillain Feb 2021

In my bubble, everyday
I move and do
the same routines,
As all the while
All around,
I feel the world grow mad.

A real ******* Kiley Minogue moment

#kileyminogue #songs #suddenrecognitionofrealitythroughfantasy

VanillinVillain Feb 2021

(re)Turning

In jolts my bones erupt,
shatter and realign within
flesh contorted,
waxen;
until amorphous I return,
to draw up the covers
of that old snakeskin.

#adaptation #regression

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

Miss Communiqué

Am i so easily replaced?
So ancillary as to be discarded,
left behind in the dust
of your burgeoning adventure?
Am I so wrong?
Should my pain be chalked
as simple overreaction?
As a miscommunication,
too hung up on the past?
I knew I never “had” you
the door to love long since passed,
that it was always meant to be casual;
but in this long, constricting lonesome,
the thought of “losing”,
even what one does not possess,
peels nails from their fingers-beds.
Jabs holes in florid memory.
Should I not feel so alone?
So scared that that once-normal life
cannot be resumed?
I will support you, my friend,
I know regardless I must,
but haven’t I a right to hurt?

#fear #lonesome #friendship

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

Opening Time

Those long dormant curtains begin to rustle,
Sway in the ponderous undulations of the time heavy,
and I hear them call to me in deep,
nigh-imperceptible murmurs.
Uneasy, scared even, I stumble from their velvety touch,
scramble for cover lest they be fully drawn away,
their gracious obscurity revoked,
but the ties which you so thoughtlessly undid
unfurl towards my frantic ankles;
tie and tug me into recognition, into exposure.
They have been set in terrible motion,
the dirt of sleep falling in droves through the harsh light,
and I, in awful new waters, cry your name till my throat runs raw,
knowing that your waves cannot be reversed.

#madness #changes

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

the little death (not a poem)

There's this thing I do
you know?
like a tick, a quirk,
a little unconscious action that
no matter how far I think I've come
always resurfaces.
Like... you know?
A bad habit
an-
a relapse.
I just- every time I-
when I care about a person I develop this
this grandiose sense of responsibility to and for them, like
like I have to take care of them and worry for them and
and no matter how many times I tell myself that
that they don't need me to do this
it's not my job
not my responsibility
I always end up
stressing over them and beating myself up for not helping becauseIfeellikeIt'smydutyandlikeIneedtocontrolthemevenwhenIknowthereisn'tanythingIcanreallydoandthatthelastthingtheyneedisanothervoicedirectingthemonwhattodo.
You know?
His cigarettes, his drinking,
his obsessive weightloss
things he needs and wants and which make him happy
but which I internalize and which drive me up the wall and
back down the other side into a
fiery crater of overthinking and worry.

I don't think its anything serious, you know?
just a little thing I do.
a little death each day.

denial

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

cut-off

At this precipitous gap
my palms, sweat-slick,
***** through anxious misunderstanding
to catch your cool insecurities;
but ever empty will they fall,
ever short of connection,
severed at the dire
edge of empathy.

#fear #disconnect

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

On dreams

Ne’er has there been such peace
as side by side, platonic slumber,
eases back the shuttered blinds
frees Thought to its lurid dance;
as resting bodies twine their roots,
our dreams perform their spiritual coitus.

#romance #heartache #lonely