Perfection doesn't exist
It never has, never did
Connection is a gift, a shift
In the split-ting headache
That dings. Rings in your ears
Achin' sharp, steely, screamy
Shakin' feverish. Mind reeling

These devil's devour dealings
In the hours of their screaming
Lost in the Haunted dreaming
Empty spaces, devoid feelings

Grown up, upside down
Never knowing what's right
Always glowing, at night,
Over-flowing, with fright
These fears, demonic ears
Never hearing the tears
Just the cheers, when their jeers
Taunt...

Empty, vapid, insipid, ruined
prose ache, deep where you truant
Lucid dreams, where Lucifer leans
Into these in betweens.
My soul doesn't know what it means
Ice screams, to not go ahead
Go back to your pride and death
Let it end. Play pretend
That you dont need a friend
In the end, everything ends
So why not let this one suspend
Over a cliff face, like the rest?
What's wrong with your head
Let it go, frozen icey blends

....
You're taking up all my quiet
The lies you told, I'm trying
Not to fold and reach out
Because each shout, bleeds now
Your seeds of doubt, scream out
So wrong, you don't real-eyes
I was telling the truth, despite
All your assumptions. Its like
Pressing red buttons, on purpose
Each word you ejected, worthless
Your in my mind in surplus
But creating a circuit that leads
To a circus. Just to hurt us...

Unchained, base
meant to claim
Haste. Pasted your name
In cemetery gates
Where trauma ties lie
Right to your face
Retrace, the steps
Back to unsafe.

A warm embrace
Is needed some days
I wish, I could
Hold you and tell you it'll be okay
Come by your place
Lay waste, to the taste
Of the deciet that's depression
Telling us defeat is a better weapon

Yeah, forget it. I'll whip it
into a submissive
Torture upon and inflict it
With rejection,
So when you look at your
Reflection.
You'll see the exceptions
That i see
Review your true  expression

I'll lessen the burdens, no question
Listen, and just be by your side
As you spill the deception  
Chant "I cares" to its possession
I wasn't stolen, my confession
I want to leap into your arms
Laugh, run, hunt, but all in fun
So, get over your projections
And be my best friend again.

You blame me for this but we both know the truth
You can't handle that I'm not solely interested in you
You want me to idolise you, while never moving forward
You want me to despite you, can't handle what's important
Always right? Yeah, I'm so tired and spent, we would be a train wreck
And now I'm sitting here doubting, every single thing you've ever said
Your projection is palpable, it has its own pulse, do you actually believe it?
Do you gaslight yourself too? In your bubble of delusional deciet when
I'd have helped you leave it. Nevermind then, I hope you learn from this
I hope you don't dismiss the pain, I hope you understand all I ever did
Was too soothe your ache. I miss you, but you said this is for the best
Not for the reasons you stated though, we both know that's the test
We both know, you'll lie to yourself, but your heart will confess
However, you'll "bury that mess" on my day no less. I guess,
I always knew, this would have it's end. I hope someday when
You've reflected, when I've collected my self respect
You'll actually be able to be that "friend"
Without blurring boundaries like they don't exist for a reason,
I'll just keep this car wreck active, so my veins keep bleedin'

All the best in love and life ❤️

You're with someone who's insides are krokodil
So when you entwine with her, it's a rush to hospital
They rescue your body, but can't save your soul
Build up your immunity, but poison takes it's toll
Behind the flesh, your organs have leperacy
You're slowly falling apart, with toxins she's injecting thee
Never mind the slow gradual cracks, we hear breaking in your heart
People can pick themselves back up, when the hurt departs
But what for your life, you've built, your dreams and aspirations
Your possessions you've acquired, that are slowly evaporating
Because she's digging your gold, and turning it to lead
She's undermining all your values, so her satanic soul is fed
When people hit rock bottom, they can climb their way out
But when you're so compassionate, you're just weighed down

And you might as well... retire to a box in the ground
Because that's not the only thing, she's taking from you now...

She's tainted your blood stream like herion because you're addicted
She's the drug and you're the victim, robbing yourself just to get a hit in
Your body begins aching. Your stomach twists in knots
Bugs crawl over your skin and you're coughing blood clots
Portions of you, your heart, your mind, your soul, selling yourself
Decaying your morals. Integrity. Values. Your ******* MENTAL HEALTH.

She's drawing your organs back on, with ink from a permanent marker
Then scrawling her signature, owned, sired. She's the vampire, but you're the one darker
A slow devour consumes...until eyes of sky blue, turn a haunting black
wooden staking her claim, projecting her weaknesses as she attacks
Collateral damage, miniscule mutations, compared to your brain she's embowling  your views on life and love, so flighty and free, beautifully, she is easily over powering

Then there's your head. Already poisoned by her compulsion
How do you think you'll fare, when your body goes into convulsions
After your heart shakes so bad, it breaks in half and cracks now tear
Like a discarded test paper, where the teacher gives you an F

No one can foresee the way I can predict what a narcisstic leach does
When they psip your soul through a straw, slowly, effortlessly and how it affects empaths like US...

I could have picked you up, I would have enriched and nourished your core
If you compromised your stupid values and came and let me show you how to be adored.  
So you wouldn't even give a vampire the ******* time of day
Now you've got death where I could of gave life...and I can only...
Watch...as...you... decay.

Are you scared? Do you share the same curiosities?  

I do wonder... and I wonder if you wonder.... 

Quite often, you flick through my mind like a lighter being lit. 

The flame serving it's purpose until it's put down. 

Sparking cigarettes, cones, spots, incense. 

We joke a lot and they're over the boundary jokes. But I do catch myself hoping that you don't joke quite the same way... with anyone else. I'd call it close friends... and it could ALMOST pass as flirting. But I'm scared to make assumptions... 

I sit here at home and you flick across my thoughts, not quite daily... but where it used to be the day I seen you and the day after... now it's at random intervals. I don't sit here assuming I cross yours. But I wonder if I do at all... well not wonder really... it's more a hope.
At times, when I find your flame lighting, I like to watch how long it burns before it goes out. So far it's lasted this time for 7 hours. That's a record. 
Last week and all the previous ones, the once a fortnight get together (visit) was only affecting me the day of and after. the longer the gap in seeing or hearing from you... the better for me to focus on other things. 
I don't  know how your life has worked for you. Regarding relationships.... or friendships of the opposite ***. Have you ever lost anyone that you kind of devoted your soul to?  
To understand the heaviness of loss for me, I'd have to take you wayyyyyy back. Back to a place of vulnerability. The problem with doing that, is: not that I don't trust you.... it's a little bit of pre-concieved notions that people just don't care enough to delve right back into how someone's life was shaped... and even if you were different (like one in a thousand) (like me) there's a problem where you could not remain impartial to the people involved... and there's the problem of shaking like a 5 year old...as I begin to unravel who I am, for the sake f you... only for you to give up on me like everyone does. 

I get it, people come and go... it's easier not to love, open up or fall... and each flick of the lighter will eventually burn me. Playing with fire hurts... even though flames warm a cold room... 

and then there's C-PTSD to boot.... which consists of intrusive emotions when recounting a life shifting trauma...there's too much buried inside of me, I dont think we should dig. 

I get my flashbacks... but instead of images (which I sometimes get) every time I recount an event or try to explain a behaviour that stems from that. Emotions attached to it,  swarm me... and I'm feeling the fear, pain and damages all over again, like I'm right back there... and all of a sudden if I'm trying to explain something like the weight of loss, abandonment, etc... I go back to the first time I  was lost and abandoned... then I'm feeling the emotions again like I'm a little kid (vulnerability, fear, loneliness, alienation)

it's like a vault full of suppressed emotions gets unlocked and they start running rampant in my mind and heart... and only if I feel 100% safe, secure, sure and absolutely completely trust the other person I'm about to invest any given event in... would I then subject myself to the torment and feelings of being 4 again...

That's where the feelings begin though and not where they end. History does have a way of haunting us, following us... like a predisposed possession. Like our own personal ghost, trying to live the life it never got. Trying to experience love, but not knowing what it is. Destined to repeat the pattern in some desperate attempt at acceptance, but asking for it in all the wrong places. 

 Then there's all the other life lessons and losses I've experienced along the way that (for a normal person, are part of day to day life) attach themselves like a leech to some particular emotion... reminding you how it feels to love someone that doesn't love you... or punching you in the chest with a fist full of memories, attached to how it feels to be abandoned by someone you put your faith in... Thinking you were finally important to someone... something you've needed since you were born. 

C-PTSD as you know... stems from a situation where you were traumatised repeatedly, over an extended period of time... to which there was no hope of escape for the victim. 

My earliest remembered trauma starts at the age of 5. My latest trauma was 5 feb 2017



Emotions are my enemy. You can love me, but don't let me LOVE YOU.