You're with someone who's insides are krokodil
So when you entwine with her, it's a rush to hospital
They rescue your body, but can't save your soul
Build up your immunity, but poison takes it's toll
Behind the flesh, your organs have leperacy
You're slowly falling apart, with toxins she's injecting thee
Never mind the slow gradual cracks, we hear breaking in your heart
People can pick themselves back up, when the hurt departs
But what for your life, you've built, your dreams and aspirations
Your possessions you've acquired, that are slowly evaporating
Because she's digging your gold, and turning it to lead
She's undermining all your values, so her satanic soul is fed
When people hit rock bottom, they can climb their way out
But when you're so compassionate, you're just weighed down

And you might as well... retire to a box in the ground
Because that's not the only thing, she's taking from you now...

She's tainted your blood stream like herion because you're addicted
She's the drug and you're the victim, robbing yourself just to get a hit in
Your body begins aching. Your stomach twists in knots
Bugs crawl over your skin and you're coughing blood clots
Portions of you, your heart, your mind, your soul, selling yourself
Decaying your morals. Integrity. Values. Your ******* MENTAL HEALTH.

She's drawing your organs back on, with ink from a permanent marker
Then scrawling her signature, owned, sired. She's the vampire, but you're the one darker
A slow devour consumes...until eyes of sky blue, turn a haunting black
wooden staking her claim, projecting her weaknesses as she attacks
Collateral damage, miniscule mutations, compared to your brain she's embowling  your views on life and love, so flighty and free, beautifully, she is easily over powering

Then there's your head. Already poisoned by her compulsion
How do you think you'll fare, when your body goes into convulsions
After your heart shakes so bad, it breaks in half and cracks now tear
Like a discarded test paper, where the teacher gives you an F

No one can foresee the way I can predict what a narcisstic leach does
When they psip your soul through a straw, slowly, effortlessly and how it affects empaths like US...

I could have picked you up, I would have enriched and nourished your core
If you compromised your stupid values and came and let me show you how to be adored.  
So you wouldn't even give a vampire the ******* time of day
Now you've got death where I could of gave life...and I can only...
Watch...as...you... decay.

Are you scared? Do you share the same curiosities?  

I do wonder... and I wonder if you wonder.... 

Quite often, you flick through my mind like a lighter being lit. 

The flame serving it's purpose until it's put down. 

Sparking cigarettes, cones, spots, incense. 

We joke a lot and they're over the boundary jokes. But I do catch myself hoping that you don't joke quite the same way... with anyone else. I'd call it close friends... and it could ALMOST pass as flirting. But I'm scared to make assumptions... 

I sit here at home and you flick across my thoughts, not quite daily... but where it used to be the day I seen you and the day after... now it's at random intervals. I don't sit here assuming I cross yours. But I wonder if I do at all... well not wonder really... it's more a hope.
At times, when I find your flame lighting, I like to watch how long it burns before it goes out. So far it's lasted this time for 7 hours. That's a record. 
Last week and all the previous ones, the once a fortnight get together (visit) was only affecting me the day of and after. the longer the gap in seeing or hearing from you... the better for me to focus on other things. 
I don't  know how your life has worked for you. Regarding relationships.... or friendships of the opposite ***. Have you ever lost anyone that you kind of devoted your soul to?  
To understand the heaviness of loss for me, I'd have to take you wayyyyyy back. Back to a place of vulnerability. The problem with doing that, is: not that I don't trust you.... it's a little bit of pre-concieved notions that people just don't care enough to delve right back into how someone's life was shaped... and even if you were different (like one in a thousand) (like me) there's a problem where you could not remain impartial to the people involved... and there's the problem of shaking like a 5 year old...as I begin to unravel who I am, for the sake f you... only for you to give up on me like everyone does. 

I get it, people come and go... it's easier not to love, open up or fall... and each flick of the lighter will eventually burn me. Playing with fire hurts... even though flames warm a cold room... 

and then there's C-PTSD to boot.... which consists of intrusive emotions when recounting a life shifting trauma...there's too much buried inside of me, I dont think we should dig. 

I get my flashbacks... but instead of images (which I sometimes get) every time I recount an event or try to explain a behaviour that stems from that. Emotions attached to it,  swarm me... and I'm feeling the fear, pain and damages all over again, like I'm right back there... and all of a sudden if I'm trying to explain something like the weight of loss, abandonment, etc... I go back to the first time I  was lost and abandoned... then I'm feeling the emotions again like I'm a little kid (vulnerability, fear, loneliness, alienation)

it's like a vault full of suppressed emotions gets unlocked and they start running rampant in my mind and heart... and only if I feel 100% safe, secure, sure and absolutely completely trust the other person I'm about to invest any given event in... would I then subject myself to the torment and feelings of being 4 again...

That's where the feelings begin though and not where they end. History does have a way of haunting us, following us... like a predisposed possession. Like our own personal ghost, trying to live the life it never got. Trying to experience love, but not knowing what it is. Destined to repeat the pattern in some desperate attempt at acceptance, but asking for it in all the wrong places. 

 Then there's all the other life lessons and losses I've experienced along the way that (for a normal person, are part of day to day life) attach themselves like a leech to some particular emotion... reminding you how it feels to love someone that doesn't love you... or punching you in the chest with a fist full of memories, attached to how it feels to be abandoned by someone you put your faith in... Thinking you were finally important to someone... something you've needed since you were born. 

C-PTSD as you know... stems from a situation where you were traumatised repeatedly, over an extended period of time... to which there was no hope of escape for the victim. 

My earliest remembered trauma starts at the age of 5. My latest trauma was 5 feb 2017



Emotions are my enemy. You can love me, but don't let me LOVE YOU.

Deep purples and blues
Ligature grooves
Yellows and blacks
The acts of whiplash

They line my back
With that "thwack"
Snap, attack. Sit back
Attach the belts
After they lash...

Deep beneath sheers
Our secrets sear
Sizzling acts
Incriminating collapse

While knees weaken
At lunch, speakin'
Barely a whisper
In memories breathin'
Throat constrictions
Leading to these light lesions
Cold trickles seeping
Beneath the fabric sheeting
My heart beating, my spirit leaving
I'm eating with my friends
But not one of them believe me
When they ask me, why im seemingly
A million miles away, I say "no reason"
But they see it, that I'm speechless
Off with the fairies, freely.
Floating realms, that sweep me
Off my feet, sequestered sins repeatin'

How each murmer escaped lips,
the turn of the flick of your wrist
I'm lost in the THICK of it.

So I excuse my pardon, sit at the park and, grin.
Longing for a memory remedy...
The air heavy, the reverie a burner
Gripped hair, moans, ******
Skin seduced in scorching secrets
Begging your touch to soothe, tease it
Free it, from the torture
Pleasure and pain, icy sorcerer
Witch my mind, till I'm putty
Moldable, obedient, your lil puppy

Then **** me, make love to me
Soothe me, be my drug hit
An addict for the euphoria
The withdrawal, phantasmagoria

Delusional delectable highs
Painful sighs, engulfed eyes
To heaven, hell and paradise
There and back, in one night

Under the watchful sights
Of moonlight, while you prise thighs
Take me to the ethereal side
As my soul leaves my life

Astral travels by your side
To be your pride and joy
Then divide, Conquer, destroy
In your delightful wicked ploy

To make me need another HIT
Savour every command, every inch
you're all through my veins now
Without you, I break down

Invade me, physically, mentally
Emotionally. Empty me of energy
Then moan with me, or own me
While I Invoke your spirit to go deep

Into the darkest recesses of my core
Corrupt me more, take me as yours
I can't focus anymore, only on your claws.
No remorse, no remedy. I'm here
To stay the course
Divorce the logical recourse.
As the Raven swore, a crow cawled
The line and declared Evermore
Chambering on my chastity door
Thats been locked up, waiting for
Someone worthy to absorb
Let's slowly smoke eachothers souls
Through these straws.
As i score my name in.  Adorn
And pour my poetry through your pores

Tonight, I'll be at yours, once more
Your personal *****. Your canvas
Then I'm going to paint you in our elixir
Create brushwork genius in bodies scripture
Signs of signatures. So my essence ever lingers
Like yours burns under your wick-end fingers

Waves wade
Washing our woes
You promised purposely
Pin pointed fingers
Nail in. Prise pride,
Apply pressure,

The weather of your storm
In the eye of your scorn
Forlorn dawn, dawned upon us
Swarmed by your tidal waves
Whipping us around the place
Sea bound, drowning in your gaze

Breathless beneath the taste
Of salted water ways...

Then the slaughter sways
Lonely daughter displayed

Doing my best, not to drown
In all the ways I was kept down
The theft of life, by your hands
A deathly price, a deadly stance
In this reverie, remember me
Because I'm bound, to forget everything
Switch off the depth of me...
Sick in this sea, lungs watered like a plant
Drink it in, let the ocean, have its demands
Sink in quicksand, while hauntings press
Into your soul and taunt the adept...
Inherited death by your hands
Destined to breathe out of breath.