you see my smile not my story.
you see my pictures not my thoughts
you hear my voice not the words i speak

girls!!!!!!
never cry over a guy that doesn't see your worth
your more than just a pretty face
you are worth so much mire

its hard to believe something like this has happened, its hard to take it in and not to blame anyone.
these past few weeks have been a roller coaster its been up but mostly down. most days I've been crying its hard going though all this pain and not knowing what to say or how to feel so you stay quite even tho you know that's the worst thing you could do because it doesn't sit well ,
when i lost my granddad i partly blamed myself for not telling him loved him more or having more conversations but the one person  i really blame is the doctors i thought the doctors are suppose to help you not send you home and tell you your fine when you know its not and losing him was hard it was extremely hard,
the next year in June 2019 i woke up to the news that i now have lost my  grandma and that broke me i never told her i loved her more than i should of i should of have more conversations with her i loved her more than life its self i blame myself.
i feel like i'm losing everyone i love.
from all this its taken me down and i feel like i'm never going to be okay because i go on about my day and i'm fine but deep down i'm broken and i'm lost and i miss them.

This feels so weird not having to call or message you every day waking up knowing we’re no longer together it ***** not having someone by my side 🥺 I feel so empty and lost the amount of times I’ve cried just wanting you back my heart breaks more you were the love of my life and my best friend 💔

The day you came into my life was the day I knew you were someone I would never want to lose... I write what I fee but never say them to you, I’m Afraid and I’m scared of getting hurt or feeling like I don’t deserve you, someone asked me what I would do if you told me to let go and move on.
I replied with ; I’d tell you all the times that made me love you I’d explain my love for the one I have giving my trust and respect for the one I can call my best friend, the things that made me fall for u in person than I said I really love him but he wants me to let go I would respect his wishes and leave but I’d cry everyday knowing I won’t have you in my life that means I would lose my best friend my soul mate my boyfriend my world my other half, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted but I hope you find someone that can love you the same I did. I would of hoped that one day we would get married have kids live life grow old, but for u you broke my heart and left me but I want you to know that you are and will always be my best friend I love you.

3/12/19
inside my head

I'm not crazy, i'm just confused.
I don't know who I am anymore i thought i know what life was about, i thought i had things figured out... but instead my world came crashing down. I lost myself.
I didn't care what was going to happen. I don't regret the things I did in the past.
it has taken so many years for me to love who I was I used to hate who I was I wasn't the person i wanted to.
happy ? I wanted to be happy but my version of being happy is different maybe my version is slightly wrong... let me explain mines more like your sad yes i know but oh wait there are people better smile or in other words smile for the camera its showtime. just like in the movies your acting for a role but in life your acting a role your playing forever. see life is like a movie its keeps going on going some parts will be boring and other parts will be good , so grab your popcorn and get comfy this movie called life is about to start...
you don't know it but you've been playing it since you were born you have a part in life that your stuck with. a day in the life starring...
inside my head is a million words spaces thoughts , what's inside my mind controls my everyday life.
yet it doesn't seem that way and i wonder why, like questions why is it that some days you wake up happy and other you just want to cry for days.
like your mind tells you okay when you wake up your gonna be happy as a sunflower okay ready 1... 2... 3... wake up " GOOD MORNING WORLD  IT'S A GREAT DAY''
and other days your mind tells you okay when you wake up your gonna be sad as a dead rose okay ready 1... 2... 3... wake up " ugh I don't want to get up let me sleep "
but most of the time its im okay i got this i can do this im just... one moment let me grab my bag... okay im ready... wait i. I just can't life is too hard to live maybe i'll try again tomorrow.
sometimes its really easy to think life is perfect but in reality its hard and at points in your life you feel like you want to give up.
the motivation depends on what your mind wants you to do. you have to control your life don't let your mind do it for you you go this yes this thing called life so so challenging yet so beautiful at the same time but you have the skills to do what you want in life don't let people ruin that joy you have inside you and yes we all are happy on the inside that's why we hide it we know that if you let them see that your really happy you know that it would eventually come crashing down. that's why our actions speak louder than words.