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564 · Jan 2020
Convenience
Thebeau Jan 2020
Convenience
I looked into your eyes and I saw the future.
You sparkled of joy and happiness and,
Everything that I wanted from life was here,

But suddenly soon it had dissappeared,
Memories and love had cleared,
When love itself had ceased to appear,
I knew right then that pain was near,

You'd look into MY EYES and say,
That you were happy nothing's changed,
But nothing wasn't nothing dear,
Nothing then was something to fear,

But I was caught up and deeper I dug,
Between all of the kisses and hugs,
My love for you was my only drug,
The only song I'd ever sung,

Soon I began to notice the distance,
At the stop signs, no longer kisses,
Nothing had changed of whom I adored,
Were you the risk and not the reward?

The next part happened all too fast,
When into depression my mind relapsed,
When I couldn't remember who I was,
Any of the reasons why or because,

You left me stranded oh so alone,
This house stopped feeling like a home,
You only loved me at convenience to you,
So now I wonder, was any of it true?
#future #love #reason #convenience #depression #mental #health #adhd #autism #eyes
Continue reading...
467 · Jan 2018
An Explosive World
Thebeau Jan 2018
An Explosive World
I've come to terms today with the fact that the world is going to end...

All of the depression and suicidal thoughts won't mean anything soon,
All of the moments where it felt like the world was on my side will soon cease to exist,
All the hands I've held and the girls I've kissed, that won't matter,

Religion seems so conveniently placed to help ease people into the concept of death,
It seems to make us welcome it with more open arms and create a new culture out of it,
Death enters homes entitled "Holy Bible",
Death enters homes entitled "The Quaran",
Death enters lives and names itself "family",
Death enters lives and names itself "friend",

I've seen the world through rose colored glasses,
It felt fake so I took them off,
I saw the world through my own eyes,
And I wish I had never taken the glasses off,

I've imagined what it would feel like to escape my mind,
I've imagined what it would be like for people to actually care,
I've dreamt of actually being someone,  and then had the realization that I would never be,

I've detailed my notebooks with my thoughts more than I've let them escape my mouth,
I've kept to myself and hurt because of it more times than I've actually asked for help,
I've told everyone around me that I was fine, even though I clearly wasn't, too many times to count,
And even though I'm fine now, I can't speak for the future, and I can't speak for all the times I wasn't in the past,

If death is so bad then why do so many people wish that they ceased to exist?
Maybe religion has it right and death isn't overglorified,
But since I've finally got my head straight, I'm going to enjoy the time I have left until my next spell of depression comes,

It doesn't really matter what the future holds...

...because I've come to terms today with the fact that the world is going to end.
Continue reading...
277 · Feb 2018
The Puzzle
Thebeau Feb 2018
The Puzzle
She looks into my eyes,
She looks past all of my faults,
I look back, but I get lost in her's,
I can't break my focus on looking into those big, beautiful, sparkling eyes,
She knows me greater than anyone else has ever known,
She knows my hurt,
She knows my wrong,
Yet she doesn't leave,
And she doesn't have a list of things to change about me,
When I finally break the focus and start to shake again,
She grabs my hand,
She pulls me close,
The tremors stop,
The ticking stops,
How? I've never found a way to stop it before?

She knows me better than I know me,
She pulls me close and holds me,

Somewhere inside me there is a puzzle,
The puzzle was missing a piece,

But now with her,
The puzzle is complete,
Continue reading...
241 · Jan 2018
Wishful Wisdom
Thebeau Jan 2018
Wishful Wisdom
I used to think that the older you were, the wiser you were,
But I've started to see now that the older you are the more you know about the things you shouldn't,
And the less you know about what you should be doing,
I've started to make some connections about the human thought process,
I've started to see and undergo the stress,
I've taken off the rose colored glasses and revealed a world I did not know, nor did I want to,
I've started to understand why people drink until they can't remember,
I've started to understamd why people smoke until their lungs are black,
I understand why people throw themselves off of buildings,
They look at the concrete below and hope that if they pull it toward themselves they may be able to re-collect their glasses,
See the world how they did before,
Relive the good,
Dismiss the bad,

My dad used to tell me to follow my dreams,
He used to tell me to touch the sky,
To never give up on what I wanted to do,

My father became an alcoholic,
My father became abusive,

My father's sky was labeled Skyy, and he couldn't put it down, much less stop touching it.

I too have dreamt of going nowhere,
I too have had overwhelming feelings that I couldn't explain if I tried,
I had no courage to muster up to help her when she needed it most,
And even less to him,
Why do they still trust me when I left at their darkest points,
But more importantly,
Why do they still help me at mine?
Continue reading...
216 · Feb 2018
Letters of a Broken Lifestyle
Thebeau Feb 2018
Letters of a Broken Lifestyle
Dear Mister-
No.
Too targeting.

Dear regrets,
I am here to humbly inform you that you have both planted a seed and sprouted roots. There are many many things that I wish I could undo. You gave me terrors. You made me not understand. You confused me. You made me the way I am. For that, I am grateful. You taught me a lesson. You molded me. You helped shape my missions and write my destiny.
Regards,
Me.

Dear Mrs-
No.
Of course not.
Too direct.

Dear Feeling of Insecurity,
How was it? Persisting all those years. Did you even take a break? You chipped away for days until days became weeks, and then weeks until weeks became months, and then months until months became years. How DID you do it? Rather impressive if I must say so myself. It doesn't matter anymore. You are gone. You gave me a false vision of what I was. It took me a while but I broke that vision and now I can see the real me. For that, I can no longer trust you. I'm not sure though, that I ever did.
Regards,
Me.

Dear Mister-
Terrible.
I can't say your name.

Dear Dysfunctionality,
You are fake. Everytime you stepped into my life you left as soon as I had time to adjust. It seems your goal was to shred mine apart. I hate that. I can never forgive you for what you inspired me to do, but I can forgive you for inspiring me to do this. You helped me in a way that you don't understand. I mean, look who I am?
Regards,
Me.

Dear everyo-
Swallow the lump in your throat and read on.

Dear Suicidal Thoughts,
You almost got me. You had me standing on the edge. I was so close that even a slight breeze would have knocked me down. How does it make you feel to know now that you have been overcome? Does it belittle you as much as you did, me? I sure hope so. Maybe you'll know what it was like to think about those letters. The only thing I can say now is thank God that there isn't a way to do it without causing pain to those you care about. I wouldn't be writing this if there was.
Regards,
The new me.
Continue reading...
211 · Jan 2018
These Words
Thebeau Jan 2018
These Words
These words mean whatever you need them to mean,
They mean no less than what you make them out to say,
And the make no more than however you process them,
To me, these words ring like the sound of putting down the blade,
They slide like the sound of untying the rope,
They clank together like the sound of retreating the pill bottles,
The disappear like the smoke in the air,
There's a release in these words,
But it's not the release that I would take from what is written,
These words mean whatever you need them to mean.
Continue reading...
200 · Feb 2018
The Box of Health
Thebeau Feb 2018
The Box of Health
I tried to overstep my bounds,
I tried to spend the nights helping where I had no jurisdiction,
I spent many nights listening to tears that never ended,
I spent many nights feeling the tears roll down my cheeks,

I burned my tounge on the harsh truth I delivered to you,
I deprived the truth of its secrecy,
I handed you a box and told you it was the future,
You opened the box and discovered that it was empty,

You didn't know what I was doing then,
You still may not now,
You didn't know my motives,
Nor may you ever,
But they were coated in positive intention,
And rotted into a negative result,

Never did I try to hurt you,
Never did I unsheath the knife,
Never did I open the mind to the negative word,
Never did I stop the result,

I handed you a box and told you it was the future,
You opened the box and discovered that it was empty,
What I forgot to tell you is that it was my future that was in the box,
Not yours.
Continue reading...
187 · Jan 2018
Shooting Stars
Thebeau Jan 2018
Shooting Stars
There's a difference between a dad and a father,
Even though both, your life can alter,

Because My father was an alcoholic abusive one,
And My dad cares about me, I'm not even his son,
I have a brother, we're not related by blood,
Just emotion, it flows and makes us who we are,

I've always been amazed by the moon and the stars,
If the night sky is perfection like we have in our minds,
Then why does a shooting star break free and glide?
It simply decides that it's predetermined place,
Is incorrect in balance with the vastness of space,
And if our minds mock the sky and we wish on that star,
Then we wish on the mirrored imperfections we are.
Continue reading...
181 · Feb 2018
Nevermore
Thebeau Feb 2018
Nevermore
I break myself in half,
Not physically, but emotionally,
I have had moments when I thought of nothing and everything all at once,
I have had visions of going no where,
The ticks in my head never stop.

You give a blind man eye glasses not to be offensive but in an attempt to help a situation that you know nothing about,

You give the mute woman a megaphone because you don't know the situation,

Similarly, you don't know who I am now in my disparity any more than I remember who I set out to be.

I dreamt of being fantastic,
I dreamt of being someone,
Most importantly, I dreamt.

That's not something I can say anymore,
The dreams stopped,
Reality set in,
The lens' in my rose colored glasses have shattered,
And they cannot be replaced...

I have become the blind man,
The glasses no longer help me,

I have become the mute woman,
My words are no longer heard,

My voice is muted,
But my mind never stops running,

"I think, therefore I am," has become,
"I think, therefore I will be,"

But for me, I thought, therefore I was.
Continue reading...
166 · Jan 2018
November 18th, 2014.
Thebeau Jan 2018
November 18th, 2014.
I walked in the house that day,
I was warned there was something in there that I would dread,
I knew that it was you,
I saw the official depression vehicles arrive at the house, but I still wanted to enter,
I knew that it was you,
I knew that you had finally done it,
Nothing else could cause these cars to arrive,
I knew that it was you,

I remembered the talk from the night before,
The hatred we spewed,
I remember every word you said,
I remember every word they said,

They told me you were sick,
It was a stab in the heart to hear that,
But over the years I've come to realize it was true,

You were sick,
Now I'm sick,

Will I follow in your footsteps?
Continue reading...
162 · Mar 2018
A Second is a Penny
Thebeau Mar 2018
A Second is a Penny
It feels like at this moment,
Time is money,

I used to ask my dad how much he made, not because I wanted his money, but because I wanted to know how much I needed to give him to pay attention to me,

I felt lost and didn't know how to be found, but then I was able to purchase my way back to reality,

The homeless man on the street doesn't know how to purchase a new reality, so that's the one he lives,

These rose glasses are terrible and I want them to be gone, but at the same time I don't know if I could continue to live in the world without them,

There used to be a strong bond in the word love, but we have abandoned it.
It means almost nothing anymore.

We abandoned our realities, and no amount of money can patch what we have since ****** up.
Continue reading...
161 · Feb 2018
The (Wo)man Behind the Mask
Thebeau Feb 2018
The (Wo)man Behind the Mask
So intricate, yet fragile like glass,
Shining bright, like a star,
Holding you close, I can see the real you in your eyes,
The difference between the real you and the other you is that right now, you are here, in my arms,
I can feel you staring into my soul,
What is it that you find in there?
What is it that you see in me?

I'm certain I'll never know,
I'm certain I'll never understand,
I'm certain I don't NEED to,

It takes a great care,
You are fragile,
It takes a great care,
You shine bright,
It takes a great care,
You stare INTO me,

It takes a great care to create perfection, but somehow you've managed to do it,

I wear no glasses, but yet you are still colored in a shade of light pink,

Are you the solution to my problems?
Continue reading...
156 · Mar 2018
573
Thebeau Mar 2018
573
Pull the trigger,
Pop it twice,
Your words are now my only vise.
Continue reading...
151 · May 2018
Love
Thebeau May 2018
Love
ABCDEFGHIDONTKNOWHOWTOLOVEANYMOREJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Continue reading...
151 · Dec 2018
18
Thebeau Dec 2018
18
18
I pack the last box onto the truck,
from a half empty house,
that no longer feels like a home

17
We only see each other in passing,
even though we live a room apart,

16
We start to grow apart,
We barely even see each other anymore,
much less, talk to each other,

15
Maybe one day we can get over this and move on,
It'll take some growing up for me,
and we will need to be there for each other to do it,

14
I stand under a tree in a field sprinkled with snow,
I've already thrown my backpack as far as I can in anger,
I've already heard the 3 words you've cried to me as we both got home,
"Tyler, Daddy's dead."

13
There's a new development in our house,
a hole in the wall the size of a fist,
You gather your things and walk down the street,
not even sober enough to drive,
but you're back at the house the next morning

My mother sips the word
"divorce"
her mouth curls at the taste
like it burns going down.
She's tired of the fighting.

12
I've come up with this theory that my father started drinking again
because maybe I'm such a disappointment in his eyes,

Like if he could make everything else blurry,
maybe somehow I'd look normal.

11
My father sits in a bathtub all day,
doing his own method of detox,
my mother tends to him,
we all support him,
maybe the third time is the charm,

11
I blame myself.

11
My mother blames herself.

11
My brother blames my father.

10
The only things I notice in the house are the PlayStation and my other toys,
My family is happy, and that makes me happy.

9
My father doesn't drink as much
as the rest of my aunts and uncles at Christmas and Thanksgiving,
It doesn't mean anything to me,
I just know
we don't even think about it.

8

7

6
I wanna be Spiderman.
Or my dad.
They're kinda the same thing.

5

4

3
I have a nightmare.  
I get into Mommy and Daddy's bed,
Stuffed animal in hand.
Daddy isn't there,
I get up to go look for him,
Daddy's standing in his underwear
silhouetted by the refrigerator light.
He raises a bottle to his lips.

2

1

0
When my mother was pregnant with me
I wonder if she hoped,
like so many mothers do,
that her baby boy
would grow up to be
just,
like,
his,
father.

Continue reading...
145 · Dec 2018
hurt
Thebeau Dec 2018
hurt
Believe me,
I wish that I didn't have to tell you,
Anymore than you didn't want to hear it,
Telling you that I had attempts on my life,
Telling you that your son had those thoughts,
You didn't want to believe me,
You started crying,

It had been 5 years since the first attempt,
But I was just now telling you that something was wrong,
On the norm, you looked at me with love and care,
I would look back with a smile,
but that was not the case today,

I burnt my tounge on the painful words that I had to deliver to you,
I deprived them from continuing their life of secrecy,

I couldn't live with that bubbling inside anymore.

.
.
.
.

What?
Are you looking for a happy ending?
Continue reading...
142 · Jul 2018
Tell me, Jekyll.
Thebeau Jul 2018
Tell me, Jekyll.
Tell me,
Tell me who you are, and what you came to do,
Tell me what it is to love like I did you,
Tell me what it is for you to not feel the same,
Tell me what it is for a division to bring no pain,
I cannot wrap my mind around the concept of understanding,
Which is, in and of itself, a paradox,
Though, the thoughts which keep me awake at night aren't those of dreams or paradoxes,
They're of wonder, and lust, my interpretation of "just",
But tell me,
Tell me now,
What is it like to have two personalities?
I know, because I do,
But putting it into words would be impossible,
Why is it that Jekyll doesn't Hyde?
Tell me here, in this wonderous space,
What is it?
What is it that brought us here?
Continue reading...
138 · Apr 2018
help... i left my heart on my sleeve
Thebeau Apr 2018
help... i left my heart on my sleeve
Sometimes we wear our emotions...
our feelings... our hearts...
on our skin... on our sleeves...

Out there, for the world to see,
And for pain to chime in with its pleasuring decree,
I've turned my skin inside out,
To escape the extrovert that I had become,
It wasnt me,
To see myself run wild and free,
To fall, to feel pain, to get back up,
To try to gain, the momentum I had before,
Before I retreated to the inside of myself,
And it was experience that I henceforth lacked,
In that I was poor,

I reversed myself again,
My heart on my sleeve,
For everyone to see,
Was this me?
Or was I bereaved...
Of the past... of the comfort...

I ran,
And I fell,
And I got up,
And I fell,
And I got up,
And I told myself that I was falling because I was only running with one leg,
I hadn't yet dedicated myself to the task,
In thought, I had to bask,
To become the person strong enough to use their entire ability that they were given,

Have you ever been ******* at someone because they're so good at something but say that they are terrible?
Like if they paint a picasso and call it trash, claiming that they just enjoy painting but arent any good at it?
Meanwhile you wish you could grow to their capability, but can't?

It's that jealousy that live dishes out,
And it's not the main course,
It's the appetizer,
Because the main course is a ****-sandwich,
And life serves a lot of those,
And sometimes, you're forced to accept seconds, and thirds, and fourths, and many more,
But you'll learn to accept them with a smile on your face,
Because it's still a meal,
Its nourishment in the form of a lesson,
And that's whether you like it or not.
Continue reading...
137 · Aug 2018
Amplify
Thebeau Aug 2018
Amplify
I would see your eyes glimmer...

I would see your smile,
How can you tell me now that it wasn't real,
when I could see how real it was?

Why did it feel like a punishment to go without speaking to you,
when now it has become the norm?
But it means less now, doesn't it?

How could you scold me for saying "I love you" too much,
when all I am is a mess that needs to be accepted and comforted too?
That alone should've tipped me off.. that it was time to go...

..And that the glimmering stopped in your eyes.

But now, she sees my smile,

She sees how much I care,
and she cares back just the same, maybe even more,
and I can see how real it is,

She hates our time apart,
it is frequent, but it amplifies the time we do have together,
and it means even more,

She reminds me every chance she gets that she loves me,
Because she wants to hear it from me too, and we both need the unnecessary reassurance,
and that's our confirmation that we belong where we are...

...And it amplifies both her smile and mine.
This one means a lot to me, for its deeper underlying meaning and false sense of happiness in major implication throughout the entirety of the poem. But ultimately, it ends with that happiness as a reality.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
Continue reading...
137 · Jan 2021
Timeline
Thebeau Jan 2021
Timeline
In the beginning there was peace,
then violence increased.

Let my end be my release.
Continue reading...
135 · Nov 2019
The Plot for Tears
Thebeau Nov 2019
The Plot for Tears
And in the moment that she needed you most.
You tore her down and destroyed her
You turned around and abandoned her
She looked to you for strength and you betrayed her
You took her peace and comfort
But you never even found your own with it
Tell me now,
When you look at your reflection
Do you see perfection?
Continue reading...
128 · Jul 2022
The Silver Anniversary
Thebeau Jul 2022
The Silver Anniversary
I was driving to work the other day
when I saw a man standing on the corner,
He was holding a sign that read,
"My Ex-Wife had a better lawyer,
please help"

How could I be the judge and the jury
when everyone in my life is trying to convict me
of a crime in which I would never plead guilty

Seven.
For the number of times my brain whispered into my ear,
asking me to stop breathing

Six.
For the beginning of the address where you decided to.

Five.
For the age I was when I first realized you were a monster.

Four.
For the number of holes you put in the wall.

Three.
For the number of times you went through detox.

Two.
For the number of years I thought I missed you after you died.

One.
The number of years until your silver anniversary with my mother.

Zero.
For the amount of times you woke up after I told you
that I hated you the night before.

------

50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce,
I remember riding in the car with my mom when I was 14,
We were driving through the center of town on our way back home,
Suddenly she started crying,
This moment became a key memory for me.
She said the words, "We wouldn't have even gotten to 25.
I prayed that I could make the decision to get out.
But I just wanted a divorce, I didn't want him to die."
Continue reading...
115 · Mar 2020
You vs. The World
Thebeau Mar 2020
You vs. The World
Not all days are going to produce your bubbly and ecstatic self,
Some days are going to produce a different version of you,
A version that can't get out of the bed because gravity is working against you,
A version of you that has no craving for social interaction,
A version of you that calls off of work because you just can't,
Some days it will feel like the world is working against you and after that day ends, when you move on to the next day, I can't promise that it won't happen again.

What I can tell you is that wherever you are in the world,
Whatever it is that brought this feeling over you or even if it was seemingly nothing,
There is a 100% chance that someone else in the world is feeling that same feeling, right now, just like you.

What I want to tell you is that it will be okay or that it will all be better soon,
but the only thing that I can tell you, is that you aren't alone in this feeling,
and gravity isn't only working against you.
Continue reading...
114 · Jul 2019
It's Nothing
Thebeau Jul 2019
It's Nothing
What's wrong?
Oh nothing. It's nothing. Just ignore it.

What's wrong?
Well, I'm convinced my father just killed himself and my last words to him were that I hate him. But... It's nothing. Just ignore it.

What's wrong?
I think I'm being cheated on? This is middle school. Who would do that in middle school? It's nothing. Just ignore it.

What's wrong?
Well, I'm still getting picked on. The kids here are really... REALLY mean sometimes. They like to hate on me for being smart. It's nothing. Just ignore it.

What's wrong?
Am I too scared to swallow all of these pills? Probably? Am I gonna do it anyways? Well... What other choice do I have? It's nothing. Just ignore it.

What's wrong?
My mom stands over my gravesite. Crying.

She didn't know that anything was wrong to begin with.

It's nothing. Just ignore it.
Continue reading...
100 · Dec 2020
Hello, Machine Man.
Thebeau Dec 2020
Hello, Machine Man.
I have so much to say
But I'm afraid to say it
As if the inner mechanisms of my mind
Would fall apart
Cog by cog
If I were to diagram how my mind spins in circles
I'd surely scare you away
But is that what I'm afraid of?

Hello, metal man.
Machine man.
They've taught you how to feel
How to hide behind your framework
Until you no longer resemble yourself
Until you are more cyborg than human
But what is it that you fear?
For your beady eyes still show resent
From a past you cannot remember.
Continue reading...
99 · Mar 2020
Why, Love?
Thebeau Mar 2020
Why, Love?
I wanted to **** myself and you were screaming about attention.
Continue reading...
97 · Dec 2019
Forever Never
Thebeau Dec 2019
Forever Never
I'm convinced I'll spend the rest of my life looking.

Looking for someone who will love me the way I thought you did.
Continue reading...
95 · Nov 2020
if only i had known
Thebeau Nov 2020
if only i had known
If i had known

That life would progressively get ******* and *******

That this would be the world i would have to grow up in

Then i would've tried harder to **** myself then

i don't think i have it in me now
Continue reading...
89 · May 2020
Champain Street
Thebeau May 2020
Champain Street
I miss the girl that I met in my small town,
I miss the girl that I would throw my arms around...
I miss the way the sun would make her eyes glisten,
and ******* I miss the way that she would listen...
I miss the hugs, the affection and the kisses,
And when we fought, it could stave off militias...
I miss the girl that had more problems than me,
I miss the girl who lives on Champain Street.

I miss the girl who made me feel this way
I miss the girl who brought meaning to my day...
I miss the time that I told you that I loved you,
I miss the times when I would talk because I'd trust you...
I miss the girl who wasn't a mistake,
I miss the girl I thought would never walk away...
But now you're gone and I live with my defeat,
I miss the girl who lived on Champain Street.
Continue reading...
44 · Aug 24
Sonder
Thebeau Aug 24
Sonder
He lays his weary head to rest
On the solid concrete ground
Once aspired to be best
Till all came tumbling down
The sodden stranger in the rain
Abandoned by his town
The people drive or walk on by
Help no where to be found

He walks the streets both night and Day
In search of something right
No guard from summer's hottest rays
Or winter's chilling plights
The man would never pray away
A day so hard in spite
Each memory of yesterday
Reduced to bile blight

The man you see is someone's son
Who's lived a bitter life
A feeling you could be the one
To walk the sharpest knife
A toast to those who bear the shun
And some barely alive
To sonder's overwhelming stun
And Earth's unending strife
Continue reading...

— The End —