Dear 2020,


   I never want to leave my room again. I’ve gotten lazy in a way that is extremely difficult to describe. Taking a shower, eating food, leaving my room, going to school, getting up in the morning, putting on clothes, talking to people, it’s all gotten much harder than it was last week.
   All these ****** meds, all the ****** appointments, and I’m just getting worse. I saw Machaela this weekend. It was great, amazing really, but leaving has made it all bad again.
   I’ve gotten really bad about expressing my feelings. I don’t show them at all sometimes. Sometimes I hold them in until one tiny thing makes them all crash down. But mostly, I just pretend they aren’t there at all.
   Just like how, right now, I quite angry about the fact that I am constantly feeling bad, depressed, down, and don’t get more attention about it from others. People are always doting on people like Elijah, who shows his feelings of depression OBNOXIOUSLY loud and stubbornly, and no one seems to care how I feel, even my Mom because I don’t show my feelings the way normal people do. But, do I do anything the way normal people do? Not anymore. Not anymore.
   I’m so boring. I literally do nothing interesting on my computer anymore. Nothing that could start a conversation. I mean, I start conversations about the things I used to do on my computer, but not the things I do now. I mean, does anyone really want to hear about how I listen to lo-fi hip-hop, write to you, look up reasons not to **** myself, and on very ultra rare occasion- take a typing test or write a chapter in my book?
   I’ve gotten angrier lately. Not in public, of course. Most of my friends can’t even imagine me being angry. Because before now, the only reason I was angry was my Dad. Now, I’m angry about everything. I’m trapped in this world that I hate, everyone is trapped here, and there’s no way to free myself that doesn’t have a chance of hurting one of the few people I care about more than this terrible world already has.
   I hate this world. It lies. It seems beautiful and peaceful and tranquil, but this world is lying to you. It is horrible and I hate it and I want to leave and I don’t even know if I’m even angry but I want to complain because I’m hurting on the inside like that baby bunny who was crushed underneath the barrel by the dogs and died from injuries on the inside of its body. The bunny is me, and no matter how alive we may look, we are dying and we know it and you might as well just look away. Because I didn’t even have the respect for that bunny to watch it die, and no one here is having the respect for me to watch me die. They are all turning, they are all turning their backs on me.
   I actually. I don’t know what I’m yelling about. I told you that I wrote a chapter of my book, but I doubt I will be able to do so again. And ever since I stopped being able to draw I’ve just started hating everything I ever drew or that has any art on it at all. I want all of that stuff to go away, stop reminding me of how I used to have two things I was good at.




At this point I’m honestly hoping you are dead and someone else is reading this. Because no matter how many “why not to **** yourself”s I read, scars I leave, tears I shed, Meals I skip, no matter how many times I try to do what I used to do with ease, It doesnt cease rthe PAIN THAT i FEEL ON THE INSIDE LIKE THE BUNNY AND i’M SCREAMING TO YOU IN CAPS BECAUSE I SCREAM AT MY SELF IN MY MIND AND I WANT TO DIE AND I WANT TO DIE AND I SAY THAT EVERY ******* DAY i SWEAR I DO BUT IT DOESNT HELP I WANT TO DIE EVERRY DAY FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER AND NOTHING HELPS JUST **** ME P[LEASE I DONT CARE IF I HURT THE FEW PEOPLE I HURT YOU won't FIND MY BODY ILL **** MYSELF IN THE PLACE THAT WAS MY HAPPY SPACE WITH HER BEFORE SHE HATED ME AND Befor e my DEPRESSION AND MY ******* ANXIETY AND MY ******* ANOREXIA TOOK OVER AND I CANT ENJOY EVERYTHING YOU won't FIND ME THERE BECAUSE THAT WAS ONE SECRET I KEPT5drsy i,uers7ujojw3lki8wiuirweuijweruhjkrewhureDSFWJKDWQUFEWQOUBWQKBJWQ­BKFWQBUFSCQBEHKWCKUBSEUOQBTGVO3NFDBIG73QUHJDSNLI3BGUJRBHT4ILWFEQK­HDUILREHNFSDKJ

Dear 2020,

    I don’t really know why I’m writing to you today. Technically, I could talk to many different people. There’s Mom, Bonnie, and the internet suicide chats. Honestly, I don’t think any of them would understand what I would say, though. Mom is best at hugs, Bonnie likes to tell me to read papers, and I don’t think the internet suicide chat is right for me, because they wouldn’t be able to fix me. So I thought, if its okay, then I would talk to you again.
    If you listen to the song on Youtube called Her Last Words, then you might notice how similar that song is to these letters. That's because I like thinking that when I die- No. I just thought, The people who love me will find and read these, but that's a lie, isn’t it? Because if I really thought people loved me, I wouldn’t be here writing to you about my own suicide. So no. If I **** myself, I will probably just upload all of these letters onto Hello Poetry.
    I’m just feeling really down. Nothing is working out for me, as usual. I don't hate anything anymore. I’m just really, really tired. And I don’t want to be here anymore. But unlike school, and people, and nature, I can’t escape my mind and this world. No matter how much I want to. I’m trapped here. I can never escape unless I die. And as much as I want to, I can’t.
    I never want to leave my room. I don’t care if I starve here, I have water and would finally be skinny, right? I never want to leave my room. I never want to go to the doctor, take my medicine, see anyone in person. Because I’m actually sick of people, as much as they scare me. I can just text them, or whatever. People always like me better over text anyways. And I’m so sick of these doctors and grownups trying to fix me. Have you ever thought that maybe I’d rather just die myself, then live on as some drugged-happy maniac, some distorted version of me?
    But, I mean, who the **** am I anyway? I’m not even dead yet and everyone has already forgotten me. Even myself. And I’m falling apart piece by piece. I feel like at any second, I could simply fall apart at the seams and tumble onto the ground.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.
    I wish I would die.


I realized I’m not even writing to the receiver of this letter. I’m not really writing to myself in 2020, am I? No, I’m writing to absolutely no one, and hoping that someone will read this because I am dead.
    And this weekend, I’m not going to be able to be who Machaela wants me to be, am I? I’m just going to a pre-skeleton, sitting there quietly, thinking of all the wrong things, saying too little, and feeling too much. I’m sorry, I don’t really know why I started writing this letter to you. It’s been completely pointless, and I don’t really have anything to say. I’ve had to talk to so many people, saying the same things so often that I have completely run out of anything new or interesting or surprising. I don’t want to be with others, I want someone. But I Don’t want to be alone, I want to be by myself. I want a hug, but I want a specifically perfect best-friend, one who’s always there for me and would have no idea what to do if I was gone, to be the one to hug me.








I really wish I could die.








I really
Really
Really
Really
Really
Really
Really




Wish I could die.

Sincerely,
H. R. S.

Dear 2020,

     I’m really sorry. I don’t totally remember what I said in the last letter, but I know it was ridiculous. No one is born to die. The future can always change.
     The idea of being “born to die” is an idea from Dragonlance, Dragons of the summer flame. One of the characters asks another if his brothers, who had recently died in an epic battle, were born to die. The reader can easily see how this would be because their deaths help the story move along the way it should. And the reader sees how impossible it is that the living brother is the only survivor of the battle from his side.
     But what I said is ridiculous. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I wrote something so ridiculous in a letter to you.
     I had a good time today. Better than usual. But there was still that aura around me, that dark cloud that darkens everything. If I had had a day like this in the Before Times, before everything went spiraling downward, I probably would’ve had more fun than I did today. I’m sorry. I sound so ungrateful. But I’m not. I really enjoyed myself.
     Last week the doctor asked me if I was still thinking of self-harm. I said no. I guess I panicked because the doctor and my mother were right there, but I still think that was a lie. I don’t often take actions for my thoughts (well, sometimes I do. A few days ago I admittedly tore through my drawers in my bathroom, looking for a razor or razor head. I don’t even want to really think about what I might have done if I had found one) but I have certainly been thinking about self-harm. I think about it every day. Sometimes when I am setting my goals for myself, I will think, you have to eat less. If you don’t stop eating, I swear I’ll cut you. Yes. I know it's kind of stupid that I would talk to myself like that. But when the doctor or the counselor asks if I’ve been thinking about self-harm again, it is always incredibly hard to answer them truthfully. It is awkward and hard to explain the way I think to adults, and giving off the wrong impression in this kind of situation can be a really big deal. Like how I gave off the impression that thinking about my past didn’t bother me to my mother. She once asked me about the Harm Times in public. I was stunned, appalled, mortified, and paralyzed. It is extremely hard for me to talk to others about these things.
      But I like talking to you. Because you are a better me. A wiser me. In a strange way, I guess I look up to you. Which is good, I guess, because there really isn’t anyone else that I can look up to.
     For someone reason, for about an hour my face has felt really flushed. Like I’m blushing, or something. But I’m not, and I haven’t been doing anything except playing games.
     I think to myself sometimes. I think I am such a messed-up person, aren’t I? I probably am.
     Lately, I’ve been really tired. I think it’s just from life. It’s also a symptom, so maybe that's it. I also have been forgetting things a lot. Like how I think I’ve talked about being tired of you before, and said that it wasn’t really from staying up late, but I don’t remember.
     Sigh


     Hey. You know why I start every letter by saying that you might not exist; that in 2020 I might be dead? It’s not because of pessimism. It's not because I believe some accident will occur or I will be murdered. The accident has already, occurred. That is me. I say the things about you not existing because I can’t see the future, especially not like I used to. I used to be able to plan out every little thing about my future. Now I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up. I can’t see very far into my future, because I genuinely believe that before I am very old I will simply **** myself, and all of this will be over. I am so certain of this that when people ask me about my future I think about how I know I will die soon, and simply tell them whatever comes to mind. I am so certain that I will die soon that sometimes I feel like I should live my life to the fullest as if I have no control over my own suicide. I am so certain of my death being soon that sometimes I used to feel excited as if it were coming soon. I am so weird. By the way, there is no ‘living your life to the fullest’ for me. There is nothing I want to do. Except maybe feel happy, loved, genuine. But blasting happy, nostalgic tunes can only do so much.
      I really, really cannot see myself very far into the future from now. I can only imagine myself being a recluse. Honestly, if things continue like this and I am still alive, I really cannot see myself in college. I’m such a mess. I’m sorry for telling you all this. This is the kind of useless **** I keep telling myself I need to keep inside.
     sigh
              Sincerely,
                              Hol­li

Dear 2020,

     I’m sorry I write to you so much. It must be pretty annoying, having to go back and read all these. And maybe I’m writing to you when you don’t even exist anymore. Hmmm.
     Even if you aren’t alive in 2020, I still like writing to you. Like I said last time, it kind of gives me a little hope. And if you aren’t alive, then I guess Connor might want to read these… I mean they are kind of depressing sometimes so maybe that's not the best idea and I know he probably doesn’t care this much about me, but if he does care about me like he says he does… Then I think he might want to read these. It might help him better understand why I had to go.
     And if he reads these, he might know that I was never angry with him, or the world, or anybody really. I was just angry with myself for not being able to live up to everyone's expectations, especially my own. He might understand then that it didn’t matter if he did care for me, I am too paranoid to think anybody ever could. And even if I knew he cared for me, it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry, but the world is just not the place for me. I can’t handle it. I’m not strong enough. And if I hurt you by saying this, then I’m sorry. But it’s the truth. I’m not trying to make you upset by saying these things, I’m just trying to be honest, and honestly hurting you right now won’t matter because whether it’s in a week, a month, or even a year, you’ll forget me. And that's okay. I’m not trying to tell you that you should remember me. I don’t really deserve that, in a way. I’m the kind of person who just needs to be forgotten. To disappear. And I know that.
     And I know fully that saying what I’m about to is either going to be too stupid or too late, but… I always wanted to be buried in the Lower Pasture, with the dogs. But I guess… Unlike them, I don’t really deserve it. So maybe not.
     I don’t really like thinking about what happens after you die. I mean, I had of course always wanted to go to heaven, as we are taught we should want to do, but I don’t want to rely on hopes like that. I have learned already that living on hopes doesn’t work out for me. And of course, I don’t want to go to hell, either. I just like thinking that after death I just get to stay in that comfortable third space forever. That… sounds a lot more enjoyable than staying on this planet. I don’t like thinking about my funeral, either. This is because I had always pictured people being sad about my being gone, bringing casseroles to my parents, and crying half-heartedly at my funeral because let’s face it: only Connor and my mother ever really knew me. But then I think to myself, oh Holli, you know that people didn’t know who you were. You just said that. And yet you still believe that people would be saddened by your absence. You still think that people would cry at your funeral. You still think you would be remembered, and that you would linger in the minds of those around you. But that's a little selfish, a little rude, isn’t it? To think that after being who you were, and admitting that only two people got even a glimpse of who you really were, after you lied to all the rest, that people would still care about you? You know, don’t you, what happens to people who die after not being very well-known. You know what happens in the hearts of those who attend the funerals of suicide victims they did not know very well. You were one of them. You, yourself, did not know very well Jackson’s father, and you yourself, knew that his death had affected Jackson. You knew and cared about Jackson. You hated his father for doing this to him. You hated him. You know, now, that it was not Jackson’s father who did anything wrong, but the world, and you only know this because you, yourself are also being crushed underneath the weight of the world and living in it. But the others will not know that. They care about Connor, and they care about your mother, and they will hate you for hurting them. And Connor and your mother will hate you, too, for doing that to them. Do you hear that, Holli? The only people you know you love in this wretched world will hate you, hate carrying around the burden of you in their minds, hate you, hate that you existed, and maybe hate themselves for being near you. And I ask you: Do you want that?
     And I start to cry. Because I don’t want that. I do not want them to hate me. But I am helpless; there is nothing I can do anymore. I am doomed. I was born to die. That’s why I peaked in second grade, why I had always lived my life to the fullest and was true to myself. I bet that somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew that I was born to die. I know it is my own fault. And yet I want deeply to believe that it is not. If they end up hating me, then I am sorry. I hate me too. But I was born to die, wasn’t I?
     I apologize for this letter being as dour and grim and ridiculous as it was. Haha… I really am a pessimist, aren’t I? Oh well. None of this will matter in the end, anyway.

            Love,
                     Holli

Dear 2020,

     Although I am fully aware that there is a moderate chance of you not… existing… in the time to which I am writing, I still like writing to you. It… gives me hope, in a way. I like to think that you are there, looking back at me and knowing everything will be okay. Or, watching from above because you know what happens next.
     In these letters, I may sound as if I am not expressing much emotion as I write to you, but this is not the case. I am experiencing a bittersweet sensation currently. The reason I cannot properly convey is that I am simply not that good at writing. I take many sad pauses as I write to you, but do not know how to express these with my words. I apologize.
      I have not been writing or drawing lately. My writing never really goes where I want it to, and I simply do not possess the stamina, hope, and courage to try to draw. Instead, I have been loading myself up with lots of other academic work like reading advanced books, reading long books I may not ever finish, and setting extreme goals for myself like being happy and completing huge projects. With these, I am usually very tired and don’t pay as much attention to science and math as I perhaps should.
     My health is poor; I have been overeating without any willpower to stop myself, not sleeping very much, and tennis was a complete bust which left me flabby. I do not keep up my hygiene as well as I should. (I am pushing myself so hard, yet look at all the things about myself that I must improve!)
      I often need breaks from life, and though I take one day off school each week for doctor’s appointments, I am still weary. I find that my fatigue and lethargy do not come from lack of sleep or stress as much as just being tired of this dull, repetitive life that I have been trying so hard to make interesting. I find myself often wishing to take a break to a third place, a void where I float alone in the darkness, without bothering or being bothered. That place sounds so nice. But I shouldn’t say things like that. I probably sound like I want to die. Which I guess is true.
      For nostalgic reasons, I suggest you listen to Francis Forever and Sober Up. These are two songs I currently like. But perhaps you do not want to become flooded with memories from this time. If so, I think I understand.
     The main point of why I started this letter to you was to talk about Floor Day (this is a nickname I gave it since I forgot the exact date of when it happened. I know Floor Day took place this week, but I have forgotten whether it was Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday). Floor day was the time when I lay on the floor for an hour, and then later Mom didn’t believe me (this is not an in-depth summary). I suppose I will tell you more in the next paragraph since it seems like a different idea than this.
      I had been getting ready for bed, when I had selected and watched a fanart speedpaint of Doki Doki Literature Club (I believe it was called D o n ‘ t f o r g e t u s). They had drawn the girls in their weakest moments: Sayori grasping at a noose around her neck, Natsuki with bruises and a black eye, a broken Monika, and Yuri. I am sure that all of them hit me in a different way, each reminding me of something terrible, but I know that Yuri and Sayori did the most damage to me then. I had always felt like I had related to Sayori, having hidden my depression for a long time and all, and had even looked for a place to hang a noose in my room once. Yet, somehow it was Yuri that really shook me the most.
     She was… Covering her eyes… crying blood like in the game… But it was her arms… Her arms looked so fresh. Not as in they were still actively bleeding, but so, so recent had been the wounds inflicted upon them… I was really shaken up… I kept imagining… remembering… how my own shoulder, my own wrist had looked like that… I couldn’t get this picture in my head or my wrist, my shoulder looking like her arms.
     It was really overwhelming… So I decided to lay down. I hadn’t even thought of making it all the way to my bed, I just simply laid right there on the floor of my bathroom, my face there on my new bathroom rug, my mouth open, gasping for air as I breathed in and moan/mutter/shout/screaming as I breathed out. I felt so heavy. It was like the entire weight of the world at that moment was weighing me down. I couldn't get up, I thought.
     So I just lay there. I knew if I kept screaming softly like this, drooling on my rug, wailing to myself, then I would get all the feelings out without having to hurt anyone. But I still felt heavy. And I knew it was getting late. I have wanted my Mom to come in my room, see me there silent on the floor, and gasp and help me. But I have wanted to just lay there for infinity, drifting slowly into that third space I always dream about.
     Eventually, I texted my Mom to come here to me, thinking that she would be both surprised and beside herself with worry, helping to nurse me back. But she didn’t. She thought it was weird and stupid that I would be on the floor without being able to get up by myself, and didn’t believe that I could’ve been laying there for the whole hour. I think this kind of broke me down a little bit, so I started crying. I guess I also thought that this might gain some sympathy. ( I really am the **** of the Earth, aren’t I?) Anyways, I just told her repeatedly that I was really, really tired, and then went to bed (where I cried for another half hour or so). The next night I was really stressed about her taking away my phone for the night (I wouldn’t be able to talk to Claira, even if I was dying or something). I tried to explain to her that me talking to Claira was both rare and vital, but she didn’t seem to understand. She doesn’t want me to talk to her about that, I don’t think. She said to talk to her instead (which of course I’m going to do when she totally understood what was going on and was super worried the night previous).
     I used to tell myself that even if Connor didn’t think of me the way I thought of him, or didn’t think me very important, then I was still living for my mom. But, not even my mom understands me now. So I guess I better hope I’m important to Connor. Because I’ve always wondered: I’ve always thought that everything would work out, you would be happy, things would be good, as long as you have love. But now I am wondering what is my life, without love? I am always that one that loves someone else deeply. I am the person people only have idle crushes on when they don’t know who I really am. No one really loves me in the deep, bonding way. The real way, No one. So what am I living for?
     I guess you could say I am living for you. As in, I’m living so that I can become you, future me. Actually, I don’t know. All this thinking has made me want to lie down on the bathroom floor for a while and relax. It's kind of my safe space, I guess. I can let my feelings out there.
     I guess you know you’re broken when they have to give you drugs, and the drugs don’t even work. And here’s the real answer, to all of you who’ve asked: I’m vegetarian because it’s kind of like saving a life every time I deny meat. I know that no one, especially me, could save my life, so I want to save theirs. That sounds really stupid, doesn’t it? But whenever someone asks why, I always think, “Because I know I won’t be able to save my life.” I guess that's dumb. But so am I, so…

Sayonara,
                  Hollu-chaaan

P.S.: spoiler alert: I made it to bed this time.

March 17, 2018
Hello future me,
Hello.
   How are things over there? I hope you’re doing better than me now, but knowing me, things probably ****. I’m doing pretty bad myself.  Mom and Dad are coming home from Gulf Wars today, but they're not here yet. And Chawnessey is here, but she’s sleeping.
   I have some personal things to ask you, but you’re me, so I don’t feel very bad asking them. Do you still have visible scars on your shoulder? Do they ask about them at the doctor’s? Can you talk freely about them, like Claira could? Or maybe you’re still like me now. Maybe you just got another razor, or a knife, and you’ve added to my collection of scars. I don’t want to think that that's where you are now. But I don’t want to get my hopes up either. *sigh. Do you have dreams again? I used to have dreams. Now their just distant thoughts and lost hopes. Do you know what you are going to do with your life? Right now, I can’t see anything about my future, but I don’t think it will be very great. This is your first year of high school, right? Are you excited? I used to be excited about high school. There are so many animes that take place in high school. But I know I will never be like those girls, They are skinny, they have friends, and they are happy. Doesn’t sound like me, am I right? Are you happy? I am not. Do you like someone? I think I may, but it so hard to see through this mist around me, like I’m in a continuous daze.  Is your hair long? Have you dyed it? I think about that a lot. About how much I hate my hair now. Do you watch anime anymore, or did you stop because of the hellish teasing? I still do now. It can make me laugh, sometimes.  Or put me in a worse mood. Are you still friends with Connor, or Sorayda? Are they tall? Or maybe you have new friends. Maybe you are popular. Probably not, though. Do you still draw? Asking this honestly scares me. I used to love drawing and art so much. It was my passion. Do you go to the art high school? That would be so cool… But that didn’t happen, did it? *sigh. I don’t think that happened. In fact do you want to hear what I think you are doing now?
   You are probably reading this on a different computer, because this one is going to break someday. You are reading this and probably either crying or laughing, because you are probably still so **** over emotional. If you are crying, it is because you are either in a worse place now than when I wrote this (hard to imagine, I know) or you are thinking about how much of a complete and utter wreck you used to be. If you laughing, it is probably either because you are happy know (even harder to imagine, right) or because of the cynical way I am typing this up. I think you’re room is probably a lot similar to mine now, except more pictures and maybe more posters or cosplays. You don’t have many if any friends, do you? I bet you are like Tomoko from watamote. I bet you are all alone in the middle of the night, reading this by yourself. I bet you are still worthless. I bet you still starve, still cut. I bet you aren’t happier than I am now, if not worse off. You go to therapy, don’t you? I knew it. And you probably still don’t have any idea what your future will bring. You are still depressed. And you still want to die. But now everyone in the family knows it. I wonder how sean reacted when he heard? When he learned that he will always be the stronger one, the one better off. He will always be the more successful one. And you will be the one who had potential. Emphasis on had. Its past tense. Leanne will be prettier, happier, more popular than you in college. Savannah will be wondering what happened to you, or she will have forgotten if you were ever happy. Xavier will be so cheerful, and make you smile softly and sadly. Ellie (from moms friends group) will be more popular, happier than you. Sophie will always be worlds and universes better than you ever could have been. Sarah will still be one of your favorite family members, but even she will know you’re different. Imagine how sad Mom is, how disappointed Dad is. In you. I hate you, but not as much as I hate myself. Do you hate yourself?
But after all of this, I have to realize…
Maybe you are dead.
Sincerely,

Hollin Stewart, from 2018.

When I cannot think of what to write,

I read what you already have.

And it makes me angry,

in a helpless sort of way.

We all seem so depressing, gathered here together,

like we're kept here away from everything else.


And I listen to the old songs,

just to see if they still set my chest on fire.

Are we all stuck in a limbo between seconds, trying to move on,

or is that rude,

because it's just me?