And as I'm walking to my car...

In a church parking lot.

With the rain pouring down and the sky dark...

I start to shout:

Hey it's RAINING!!
Do you know what we do when this happens?

Nobody answers.

I stretch my arms out and feel the cool air.

As if I was in another conversation I shout:

Because I believed she saved my life!!

Look at me, I'm hysterical!

I can't stop laughing.

I've cried so much that my pain is just... funny.

I get in my car and blast the music as I drive home.

The rain really coming down, so much that my sight is almost hazy.
And I fear that I might hydroplane my car into oblivion.

But as I drive smoothly, I start to feel a sense of peace.
And I didn't care if I was about to die or not.

"Hey God, if I die right now... I think I'm okay."

And then I proceed to hit a bump and scare myself into driving again...

Not my smartest moment.

But I do eventually make it home.
I turn off the car and just watch the rain hit the windshield.
Watching the droplets fill the windows and blur the scene.

And I think to myself:

*How did I get here in my life?

After these past 2 weeks...

A bowl of cereal that's 35% grain and 65% milk seems best when it's 100% cold.

And isn't that just the simplest thing for me to do right now?

I haven't eaten cereal regularly since I was a kid.

It seems nostalgic.

Bring me back to a time when things were simpler.

When things were easier.

No one will ever know my perspective on this story.

Only because judgement is clouded by everyone's bias and opinions.

I never wanted to cause more pain.

But I wish I could erase all that broke these friendships.

I can't think
I can't sleep
I can't work
I don't talk
I don't eat
I listen to the same playlist
Over
And over

No one will ever know what really happened to us. Unless you call on everyone to give up the truth in exchange for consequence.

You know the saddest ******* thing I've heard?

A guy I know was holding his girlfriend while she was sick. Her sister asks if he's helping her.

He says...

"I'm no good at taking care of people."

You know what?

I'm not good at it either.

Nobody knows how sick it all makes me.
Or how sick I am.
So much pain caused by a few mistakes..

And nobody deserved to suffer for months.
Nobody needed to hurt for this long.

I'm drunk on my emotions again.

And as unapologetic as I could be... I'm not.

My life has changed. And I don't know if anyone will ever truly understand that.

So I am sorry.

But I've also spent the last 4 hours writing this disaster of a poem.
And yet...

I still feel empty.
Like everything was taken away from me.
Not taken by anyone or anything.

But just... gone.

Once again, learning to live alone.

Or maybe just learning to live at all.

So...

I guess this informal goodbye is all I can really offer.
Until I come back better.
Or until somebody reaches back with a clean slate, and an open mind.

I'm not as sad as I was about it all.
But it is pain I'd wish away if I could.

Don't go blaming anyone you see fit.
Just take this for what it is.

Time.
Time saved
Time apart
Time spent doing all the wrong things

Because at the end of it all...

This is still my life.

Letting go is another thing in life that just doesn't sit well with me.

But I get it.

And so I must swallow whatever pride I have left.

Only because people have been sent after me.

I didn't ever think I'd see the day when my once close friends decided to bash my reputation. And to be completely fair, not everybody came after me.

But the ones who did, really wanted me to have it.

But despite what I've done. I can find some relief in knowing that some of those people still think I'm decent.

And thank God I haven't done anything to some people. I try to be kind, and that gets me a decent reputation. But only one mistake can drive it right back into the ground.

After all of this. I just want an iced capp to numb the pain and to keep me awake.

And sure, this isn't ideal.

At all.

But it's my life.

Or at least...

It is now.

This is also going to be on the long list of good/bad ideas.

Because you need to sort out your ******* life, and nobody does that better than you do.
Only because you can only count on yourself for something like this. So there is nothing else to worry about.

You are still the same person you were.
Just, I don't know... more of a sap?
Yeah, probably.

Anyways, when you feel stuck... like now for example, just let your words fall from you hands.

You still hold all of this in your life right?