i used to be
afraid of death
isn't that funny
because now
i like killing myself
i like the feeling of
being torn apart by
other people's opinions
i beg them to tell the truth
even when i know
it's not what i want to hear
tell me
tell me you liked my hair longer
before i cut it short
tell me
tell me i'm too skinny
that i should put on some weight
tell me
tell me you're shocked
tell me i should know these basic things
i want the truth
not a sugar coating
and i don't exactly want it to hurt
but i'm starting to think
it is better than nothing

it was your favorite drink
i drank until i was sick
i spat it in the pool
and took another sip
it was your favorite songs
so i enjoyed them to
i’d listen on repeat
to only a few
it was my favorite book
i don’t really know why
i guess when i was gone
i didn’t need to cry
it was my favorite trip
even though i didn’t want to go
the sun set that day
was the most beautiful
i had to talk to you
every chance i could
i didn’t feel like walking
like i had before
i had to sit and soak
in all of the new world
and when i had to leave
i left part of my heart
it’s been two years now
i take another sip
i look up at the sky
and i remember all of it

I try to teach myself to stand on my own two feet
But i don’t know how well i can anymore
“Your grades are great”
“You’re really pretty”
“What do you have to worry about?”

I have to worry about how long i can push myself and how much of that studying i have to do tomorrow because i can’t stay awake on four hours of sleep through another day

I have to worry about how much this will bring down my grade compared to that because i don’t know how much homework i can force myself to do when i don’t even feel like leaving my bed

I have to worry about talking to my boyfriend for at least thirty minutes just so he doesn’t think i don’t love him anymore

I have to worry about sounding happy and looking happy and smiling happily and laughing happily

I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY

I have to worry about what to wear tomorrow
And the next day
And the next day because heaven forbid i come to school in my pajamas because i would loose all my social standing

I have to worry about how long it takes me to make that shake in the morning so i have time to have SOMETHING, just SOME calories in the morning so people can’t say “that’s why you’re too skinny” and just enough to keep my stomach from sounding like a whale, because God, do i know how people love to laugh at that

I have to worry about when i want to wear my makeup and when i don’t because i don’t want people to always expect makeup out of me but i still want to look nice

I have to worry about how i do my makeup because oh do i know how too much for a normal day or a simple slightly off shade can make everyone see me as a terrible monster

I have to worry about the color of my hair and the colors that i wear, does it bring out my eyes? who even cares?
Me.
Everybody.

I have to look perfect i have to seem perfect my grades have to be perfect my outfits have to be perfect
I have to be
Perfect

Ladies and Gentlemen,
That is what i have to worry about

I am not bored.
When I am like this please don't suggest things for me to do
I know I could crochet
I know I could read
I know I could practice
I know I could work on things
But really I can't
I know I should put on make-up
I know I should get dressed
I know I should be doing something fun
But Mom, I don't feel my best
I don't want to do any of those things
Please try to understand
Sometimes I just need to
Lay under my favorite blanket all day
Listen to my favorite playlist at full volume
And cry
Mom, sometimes I need to cry
You don't need to worry
You just need to understand
No, Mom
I'm not bored.

You don’t like mint
You say I’m obsessed with chocolate
Yet you love me
Me-This tangled mint colored chocolate flavored mess you found crying in front of you on the floor one day
Eventually you learned to love the things you hated
You don’t like mint
But that’s my favorite color so you say it’s beautiful
You say I’m obsessed with chocolate
But you sigh then laugh when I walk up with two candy bars, offering you one now and half of mine later(something I wouldn’t have done for anyone other than you)
Mint Chocolate chip was probably never your thing
But that’s who I seem to have become
And despite it all you learned to love Mint Chocolate Chip because you realized it was more than a color or a flavor or an obsession
You learned to love it simply because it was me

The sun so bright
She rises up
From underground
To greet the morn
Her color bright
She shows her love
But the night
Slowly runs into hiding
And when the sun realizes
That the moon has fled
She goes back down
Into her bed
And slowly the moon
Rises back up
Bringing along the stars
For the night does not love the sun
Yet around the Earth, the sun chases the moon
The sun keeps chasing the moon
Until the Earth is at rest
Until the moon loves her back
She runs in circles
Oh, the poor moon
Can't bear to break her heart
So instead he runs and hides
Running to and from each other
Each on opposite sides

pictures are filled with these
perfect places
perfect people
perfect words
and a perfect world
yet i’ve seen no evidence of this myself
so i refuse to believe it
as if reading a story book
i know it’s all a lie

i'm not on the cover of a
magazine
or in any stupid
movie scenes
and maybe i don't always
dress pristine
but that's all right
maybe i am
kinda flat
and i sometimes like to
wear a hat
and no body's saying
"get with that"
but that's all right
cause i'm perfect in my own way
i don't have to care what others say
beauty comes from within anyway
oh yeah
some times i
might get mad
but when i smile i'm
oh so glad
and every now and then
i get sad
but that's all right
and yeah i
love the stars
and i don't want to
go to bars
dancing by myself
in the car
and that's all right
cause i'm perfect in my own way
i don't have to care what others say
beauty comes from within anyway
oh yeah
some people say you need to be
this and that
i say just be yourself
you won't regret it
and if anyone
else gets mad
tell them it's your life~
cause i'm perfect in my own way
i don't have to care what others say
beauty comes from within anyway
oh yeah

when all you want out of me is my body
and all i want out of you is something to do
that's when this becomes wrong
when i'm just a book for you to read
and you're just a reason to stay awake
that's when this becomes wrong
when i only give you what you want
and all that you provide is peace
that's when this becomes wrong
when all i am is clay in your hands
and i'm still no piece of artwork
that's when this becomes wrong
and when it's not over
but it's long gone done
that's when this is definitely wrong

today i’m a little bit more sad that yesterday
the pain of the missing person i won’t see sinks into me
so used to having them by my side whenever i call
not having them here makes me feel ten times as weak as i am strong
i want to hold his hand and feel his touch
but the fact that we’re kids puts a wall between us
and the time that we spend with other people
limits the time that we have to ourselves
holding on until he is back is all i can do
i’ll wait day and night just to hear his “i love you”

You're constantly there
Whether you know or not
Everything reminds me of you
Every love song
That I listened to
Suddenly became about you
Every love story
Reminded me
Of things that you said
Everything about someone else
Suddenly became about you
And no one
But you
How did you get into my head like this?
Trust me, I don't mind

weave
in and out
breathe
in and out
beat
up and down
feet
up and down
words
in my mouth
push
their way out
words
in my mouth
i
swallow them down
and smile delicately
as if i have not another thing to say
because who can stand
the lengthened sentences
of a romanticist ?
it seems, only me

You look at all these people as beautiful things and see that they all belong like the red belongs on your nails and lips

You see yourself as this waste of a being like all the people before you came togeth e for no reason and your existence wasn't meant to be but i know it was because your parents love you- they always make sure your nails and lips can be red when you want them to be

With every shade of red people see your beauty covering everything from the apples to the sunsets-your beauty spreading across the world

Don't ever stop painting your nails red
Don't ever stop coloring your lips red
because when i see a red rose i don't want to see a "red rose" i want to see you

Because the raw beauty you possess was meant to exist- you were meant to exist despite what you think

Blood red lips and nails will always be you to me

so much to handle
it rolls and rolls
down the page
down my face
like a raging waterfall
not understanding
hurts the worst
superior they are to you
you know nothing at all
just another reason
for the waterfall
oh all the confusion
building up inside
i use the hurt to build a wall
i close the door and hide
visiting hours they come and go
like my will to move
people pass by with their own words
that hurt to the roots
so dark and cold in the tower i built
but who could get me out
one day the door will soon be gone
and i’ll be left with doubt

Do you feel freakin worthless all the time?
Do you sometimes wish that you weren't mine?
Do you want some other mountains to climb?
I'm sorry.
Do you ever get stuck in your head?
Does it take you hours to go to bed?
Do you think about what I said?
I'm sorry.
Are you doing okay?
Do you really feel that way?
What am I supposed to say?
I'm sorry.
Am I getting on your nerves?
Do you know what you deserve?
Do I not have enough curve?
I'm sorry.
Are you sure I'm what you want?
Don't I not have enough front?
Do you need a different font?
I'm sorry.
I know I don't understand
Dear, please just take my hand
I know I can be so insecure
But please show me the truth
Let me fall right back to you
Show me who it is that you still adore

I put my paper thin heart in the palms of your hands
And pray that you don't crumble it up and throw it away
I hope that you color it with a beautiful design
Even if drawing isn't exactly your thing
I pray that you put it somewhere nice where you see it daily
But use tape instead of a tack so you don't damage it
I trust you with something so fragile
I trust you with something so important
I trust you with this because I love you

thank you for making
my life so special
it never was
before you
i wished upon a star
but i never got my wish
but then you made that wish
come true
a single rose
was all i’d ever hoped
to be given
one day
and when i wished on you
you heard me
and gave me
my childhood wish
so thank you so much
for how much you care
the simple things
really mean a lot
and i’ll hold on
to this rose
until the pedals
all fall off
because it shows
how someone cares
enough to listen
to my thoughts

Who convinced me that I wasn't beautiful
Who convinced me that I wasn't enough
Was it me or a past ghost I no longer remember because it was painful enough to block it out but also painful enough to let it control my thoughts
Who convinced me of all the negative things about me
I'm beautiful and because of that person I can no longer always see that
Yes sometimes I can dance in front of the mirror and laugh at myself
But other times staring into the mirror makes me cry
Why did I let this person convince me of such terrible things
How could I have let someone like this in back then
And why can't I let anyone better than that person in now

chained to you
how could it be
when you were somehow
chained to me
i can not leave
i am stuck here
as i cry
a single tear
if i leave
you might just die
i threatened
and heard you cry
but for you to not
cause any pain
i must hurt
myself in vain
i’d rather me hurt
than hear you cry
i’d rather be killed
than see you died
so now i’m chained
where i can’t leave
wrist to wrist
in cold metal
hand in hand
once happily
i caused you to
make slits in your skin
remove the band-aids dear
i’m here for you now like i was then
i wasn’t going to forever leave
i was going to stay by your side
but even if i threaten minorly
the pain on your wrists will arise
so i’ll stay chained to you
so you won’t jump off that cliff
if my wrists are chained to yours
you can make no more slits

You see i have a condition
One you’ve surely never heard of Because it doesn’t exist
When my mom was asked to describe it to my therapist she said
“I think she just has a hard time dealing with things...with everything. Even normal things.”
Which is very much true honestly, i can’t even look at pretty girls and not throw a pity party
In fact sometimes a pity party feels better than the sixteenth birthday party i would have had were it not for all of my own problems
Like not being able to accept that all my birthday party decorations HAD to be pink (gags)
Of course there is full truth to me not always being able to handle normal things
Heck i had a mental breakdown when i couldn’t figure out how to put my gift card on amazon (btw there was no way for me to do so)
And again when i couldn’t decide for myself if i wanted mint green in my hair or not since it was only going to be a small amount
And again every time my boyfriend says “you need to decide somethings for yourself. i’m not making this decision for you.”
I can barely get through getting a normal amount of homework done, not to mention the fact that i have extra because of my special classes and my high ranked school
By the time it’s all over and i’ve stepped off the bus i’m done and have to force feed myself the knowledge like i have to force feed myself food because i’m just too skinny
Once again i can’t eat as much as everyone else and the thought of eating in front of family every holiday kills me
How i’m still alive at this point when i can barely deal with having to unload a dishwasher i don’t know
I don’t mind things, I just don’t know how to handle them
I guess the way my mother put it was right
I simply have a hard time handling everything.

i sit down at the table with my one waffle
one of the egos ones that you put in the toaster
it’s covered in peanut butter and syrup
yet i still don’t want to eat it
one bite, two bites, three bites i’m good
but soon enough i’m sick of it and want to throw the rest away
one more bit i say
then another
then another
until the whole waffle is gone and my stomach hurts
because i need the extra calories don’t i?
fifteen pounds underweight
being told i look like i’m starving myself
i just want to be normal
that’s normal, right?
packing my lunch with extra snacks
not because my mom said i couldn’t
but because i need the extra food
i’m so tired of being this way
i forced myself to eat and eat until i gag and then i stop for a bit so none of my hard work comes up
people who can’t stop eating aren’t the only ones who need help
someone please help the ones who can barely eat at all

and when i see that i said something wrong
it hurts me instead of you
and i don't know what to do
because you're all i have left
all the times i got hurt
caused by others
i can't let myself be the cause of this
i can't be the cause of what others did to me
i can't be the history that repeats
repeats
repeats
and i always want to stop it
i want to be the opposite
but how hard is it
to not lash on people
when that's all you know
because all people have done
is lash out on you

i love your high pitched voice
even though you hate it so
and i miss your beautiful red hair
like the start of a rainbow
and i miss your freckles that cover up
more than half your face
and all those times i wished i was
less of a disgrace
i wanted all that you were then
before you were even my friend
and now your gone and a smile someone else caused is all i get to see
you miss me too
like i miss you
but apart i guess we'll stay
though part of me hopes
we will be friends again someday
until then your cute smiles
are engraved in my head
from the moment i am waking up
to the moment i'm in bed
and i'm sorry i had to loose you
i wish it hadn't come to this
maybe one day this will be over
and we will both come to our senses

what do you do when you hate the only thing
that makes you happy?
the song plays on repeat
repeat
over and over again
but you’re finally tired of the song
you know the lyrics by heart
you know the next verse word for word
you’re sick of it saying the same things
over and over
but no other song will make you feel
the way this one does right now
you’re tired of it
but you’re stuck on repeat

You were a pallet
Emitting from me all the colors in which my body holds so dearly and tightly

You were red like the burning passion that came to my soul when our voices collided and created a beautiful depiction of what we one day could be-
planned on being

You were orange like the sunrises we would watch in the mornings while practicing our favorite songs despite what the people around us would say-
I never knew I would miss those times so much

You were yellow like your walls that you hated maybe because of the color but maybe also because they bound you in a place I know you didn't actually want to be-
you didn't very much like your family

You were green like the life that poured out of the plants on the outside and sometimes even on the inside of us-
roses that sometimes came with thorns

You were blue like the walls in my room- as many people would call them even though I always told them it was periwinkle-
not blue
you listened to me though and everything was okay

You were purple like the color of the shirt I wore the last time we talked face to face-
just yesterday though it wasn't a real conversation
it hasn't been a real conversation in a while

You were white like how everything seemed so pure in your eyes-
so beautiful, so wonderful, so lovely
like snow that we haven't actually seen in years

And then you were black
you were missing, you were gone
you were everything that I didn't think was actually there until it engulfed me


You were the perfect pallet that I needed and that I used to have
until all that was there was black ash on the ground

Missing you was...grey? I guess
it's nice sometimes but it's not what I want
grey is so much easier to come by than silver
silver is what we used to have-no not even that
it was more like gold

The colors we used to have were so perfect
all the light shining out of us
until that white light became a yellow wall, sunset orange, passion red flame that only left me with colorless black ash on the dying green grass under a fading periwinkle-not blue- and purple colored conversations sky

hi i'm Destiny
we all pretend i'm here because i want to be
when really these things all happen naturally
because we all know Destiny means “meant to be”
but maybe where i am at i can't breathe
maybe where i'm at i can't see
maybe where i'm at seems like anywhere else is a place i would rather be
but here i am, destiny

Small and fragile
Just another friend
Saying funny things
Did you love me then?
Growing and loving
You are in my head
Always on my mind, Dear
Do you love me then?
Older and together
It was something that I said
I always confuse you
Will you still love me then?
Old and brighter
Not facing all the dread
I kiss you and say "beautiful"
Will you still love me then?
Later and sadder
I need to stay in bed
All I'll do is cry all day
Will you still love me then?
The last and stronger
You kissed my forehead
I tell you that I love you
And you'll repeat me then.

There are many things that people believe in
Some more playful than real
Like how the sun and the moon are lovers
So many theories about humanity
All the ins and outs of it
All the whys and how’s
How the sound of toes tapping on the floor
And water falling from the sky in drops
Can make us who we are
But what if there really is more?
Maybe inside of us there’s something making us who we are
So many of us of this world being held down
How someone’s views and opinions are what makes them
What about the ones who are more?
The ones with the beautiful souls
The ones who only care about feelings, happiness, fullness of life, and beauty
The ones who are a spark in the darkness of he world
The ones you notice simply by how they don’t touch the earth when they walk, they glide as if every step takes place on a star
The ones who come when people need it most, sending boring lives into hurricanes of colors, thoughts, and questions
The ones that are a little more beautiful and a little more tragic than the rest
Maybe, just maybe
The people are a little more universe
Maybe a normal soul is made of grass and trees and warm spring days or cold and snow on a winter night
But that could not compare to the soul of a universe
Infinite and dark and beautiful
Where stars are steps and ideas are realities and colors are just a bit more vibrant
Maybe some of us are just created more universe than the rest of us
But it makes all the difference

i walk through the isle
and pick up every color that i like
the glass cold in my hands
smooth under my fingertips
clean before my fingerprints
picking up each piece
not even bothering to be careful of the jagged edges
blood reds
sky blues
pale greens
golden yellows
i cradle each as they represent my past
place them gently in my basket and move on
i take them home
i place them on the floor
and play
which goes where
this goes here
until my mosaic is complete
it must be perfect
for this will eternally represent me
what holds the glass together
representing all that holds me together
in all my experiences
and colorful pieces

If you were to ask me
“where does beauty come from?”
i would say what you might not believe
“why, beauty comes from lips and fingertips,
what do you think?”

when i was little
i always liked being alone
i never thought anything of it
it just happened that way
i liked hiding away
being with my thoughts
finding my own cubby or
creating my own fort
all for me to be alone in
and as i got older
i wanted more people
but i didn't get the attention i wanted
so i began to hide away again
trying to find some comfort in my aloneness
and eventually i did
but part of me still wanted people
so i couldn't be around people too long
one day of school
soon as i got home
i had to be alone
no one told me this was something
that happens to many people
no one told me that
maybe i wouldn't have been this way
maybe i wouldn't worry
about what other people
saw
thought
said
as much
if i hadn't always been
alone

It crawls up my spine
And whispers in my ear
It tells me so many things
I don't want to hear
It says you hate me
And you always have
It says I'm worthless
That I'm stupid and bad
It says I have
No talents at all
It tells me that
You think I'm too tall
It tells me that
I'm not what you want
It makes me think
What you say is a front
It tells me that
I'm not good enough for you
Oh the things
It puts me through
And what can I do
When that's all I hear?
All these horrid things
Whispered in my ear
And could I tell you
What the voice says
Or would you leave me
Because of my head
You say you want to help
But I'm filled with fear
Because what if I scare
You away one day, Dear
Insecurities.

i let you put me through more sadness
than you could every know
yet i still let myself cling
to you

I’m insecure
And that is okay
In a way
Yes i should work on it
No i should not be
Criticized
Disrespected
“Proven wrong”
Or anything else
Because that is normal
And no matter what
We are all beautiful

You say you feel bad
because you think
you cause all the sadness
when really
you place the concrete
so i don’t walk in the grass
there are just cracks sometimes
and you feel responsible
even though
it was my job to fix them

I'm okay at everything
I grew up always drawing
My sister now does art as her working
I was never best at drawing
I'm okay at everything
I have always loved to sing
But people say I'm scared of preforming
Maybe I'm not cut out for singing
I'm okay at everything
Playing instruments was once my thing
But I can't ever remember the string
Oh guess I'm not made for playing
I'm okay at everything
I got into picture taking
But what am I really saying?
If I don't know am I faking?
I'm okay at everything
I'm not like a puppet on a string
I can still do my own thing
But I'm never best at anything

this is so harsh
no matter how hard i try i will never be
beautiful
i just want to be
beautiful
but no one sees
beauty
in a small girl like me
beauty
is something for someone who is
thicker
prettier
happier
not someone who
has no curves
short hair
and depression
beauty
can come out of what you do
but it’s not
beauty
if no one else pays attention
now is it?
beauty
can come from
lips and fingertips
but never someone who looks like me
never someone who’s
too tall
too skinny
too pale
too flat
too
too
too
little
never
enough
yes i want to be the one protruding
beauty
from my lips and
my fingertips
but the chances of that happening
are sickening
and the more i realize that
the lower the chance
because who wants someone like me anyway?
feel free to look for beauty
in someone else’s
lips and fingertips
because i know
both of mine are too thin

Our laughter caught fire
The flame spreading
A wild fire between us
Consuming any doubt
Burning a bright red
A bright orange
A bright yellow
Until there is nothing left
Except the sound
Of our crackling happiness
Sparks have never burned as brightly
As the ones between us

I can no longer wake up and watch the sun rise blissfully over the horizon with my only friend
I can no longer feel the air on my face and the pedals below my feet as i ride on my bike, singing the same song over and over like the path i ride which is round and round
I can no longer hear a door crack and a quiet “are you up yet” from my mother’s soothing voice
I can no longer find all the comfort i need in the rays of sunlight and hundred cuties i would take in a day, every single day
I can no longer chase after the only truck we were allowed to approach because who doesn’t trust the ice cream man?
I can no longer simply live to be happy and be happy to live
Bring me back to when that was every day
Bring me back to when sitting in a plastic chair every day in order to one day barely be able to support myself wasn’t something that meant so much
Bring me back to when the color of your hair and the size of your body never mattered
Bring me back to when the weekends were a time for friends rather than a time to catch up on everything you are behind on
Bring me back to when the homework took twenty minutes rather than five hours
Bring me back to when i didn’t have to worry about cherishing my social life because i didn’t need to have one but i did
Bring me back to when things were simple and the life i lived made sense
Not to now where the only sense i’ve gained was to pick up a book and read all night if i want to make enough money to feed myself one day
Bring me back

Sugar
Sweet
Honey
And tea
Look at what
You've done to me
So calm
So sure
It's all okay
We'll make it through
Another day

I can scream
I can rip
I can yell
I can grip
I can slice
I can cry
I can run
I can die
Because no one notices
When you hide how you feel
Behind the door
That is your mouth
That you can not open to strangers or neighbors
And behind the eyes
That are your windows
That you can not pour water out of no matter how bad it’s flooding