there were a lot of winners that day
lessing the amount of special i felt
everyone acting like it was normal
and not a big deal
that what i has been hoping for
was finally becoming real
that the one thing i’m confident it
didn’t really matter
“who cares about poetry anymore?”
emitted from the lips of strangers
ones who would never appreciate
the beauty of that ink on that paper
like i do

i fell in love with the idea of having another life in my room
not just me in this decorated box
not just me in this hollowed out block
but my life and another’s
alone in what i consider my comfort zone
listening to the rain through all the storms
watching as the sunshine floats through the window like glitter
and through all of this
the only life i want to share this with is yours

They say I'm falling in love
And it's so strange
Because of all the people
You seem like the one
I should trust the least
Yet here I am
Trusting you with my heart
I trust that you won't break it
All I can do is hope
That I made the right decision
I watch you walk around
With it in your pocket
Never abusing the charm
But rarely looking at it
Am I really falling in love?
Or am I just falling into another trap?

oh i know i shouldn’t do it
but God, it feels so good
anything to stop the pain
is something i’m willing to do
don’t push yourself like that
but please i need to
all i can ever feel
is what this causes
release the dopamine or whatever you call it
just please keep me from going back
i would rather betray myself in every way
than go back to that
back to the way i was in the dark
back to the way i was all alone
back to the way i used to be
please. just let me hold on
just this one thing
it will make it all better in the end
you’ll see
you’ll see.

how many times have i said
“i just want to be beautiful”
how many different meanings
have protruded from my lips
as i said those words
“i just want to be beautiful”

Even sad people like nice houses
Your body is your house that you are going to live in forever
Don't destroy the most important house you'll ever and always have
Take care of it
Paint the walls beautiful colors
Safely burn scented candles
Decorate it in the designs that only you like
We all want pretty nice and well taken care of houses, don't we?

I don't know who I am
Sometimes I don't know who I want to be
But I know who I'm not
And I know who I don't want to be
And that is much more important if you ask me

how strong can one stand
against the powers of their own home?
pushing against the weight of the walls
closing them in from the outside
questions and answers, always the same
you may not leave this home today
pushing and pushing forcing a fit
they’re old enough now, snap out of it
the only way out is through the glass
around the fame a body will pass
free in the night, oh where will they go?
anywhere because anywhere’s better than home

A mind can only hold so many memories
And with every memory i make with you
I have to throw and old one out
Because I would rather remember who i am with you
Than remember who i used to be before

Trapped in my head full of fear and my pain
One simple lie caused me all this strain
You said you wouldn't lie but maybe you do
And you saying that would be you lying too
I Worry and worry, I fear and I fear
That things you say to me are full of lies, dear
And I love you so much with all of my heart
Please don't let lies be what tears us apart
And I know it was just a small little lie
But what if there's more and my anxiety's right
What if your whole background is not what you say
God, who else believes it but me anyway?
I may not be the smartest and you know that's the truth
But lying too much can bring out the sleuth
And yeah I believed you for so long, it's true
But maybe it's only because part of me wanted to
(Or maybe I just felt sorry for you)

hey baby i think i love you
saw you across the room
all the flowers began to bloom
the smile on your face
oh it takes the pain away
the warm of your arms
oh its tearing me apart
because all i what is you
you make your way towards me
oh we’ll have to wait and see
will you fall in love with me
like i fell in love with you?
see the twinkle in my eye?
yes i maybe kinda shy
but put your arm around me
please just let me know you’re mine
because all i want is you
and to be yours

Oh anxiety
It comes and it goes
And the worst part is
It's like no one else knows
Like making a joke
And then no one laughs
Like water going cold
In your hot bubble bath
Like sitting alone
In your room while you cry
Not because of other people
But because if your mind

part of me still loves all of my old loves
all the ones that left and hurt me
no matter how bad they treated me
a part of me will always be with them
intertwined in the pages in my mind
that keep the story of my past loves

there were a lot of small lifesavers
but like the candy, they only lasted for a short while
and after the flavor of one was gone i would find a new one
going and going until i ran out and had to buy another bag
music was one of themwh
i would listen instead of think
friends were one of them
i would talk instead of sleep
dreams were one of them
i would dream with eyes wide open
writing was one of them
i’d write to keep myself hoping
you were one of them
but you were different than the rest
the others only lasted a few months
but your sweet flavor never left

the ringtones my phone made at your call
the whining when i said you were wrong
the screaming of disrespect
the pictures of your own wrists
the threats of if i didn’t stay
the snakes that escaped your mouth in words
the messages left that were “supposed to be kind”
the handcuffs of your wrists to mine
the blood of yours you put in my hands
the showers i took to wash it away
the brick wall i built that you couldn’t get through
“*******!” i screamed
and i know you heard me.

beautiful words
i wish i could write
beautiful things
i wish i could type
you say what i write is beautiful and dark
you say that what i have is a piece of art
i don’t see the beauty you do
then again that happens a lot
where i see darkness, you see light
you see something beautiful in all that i write
i don’t keep much to myself these days
which is funny because i’m scared of opinions
i’d rather keep my thoughts to myself
yet i go and let everyone read them
i shout at myself in the mirror
you kiss my forehead and smile
i think i’m worth less than trash
and you see me as worthwhile
i guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder
because what you see, i don’t
but at least you see me this way

there are some things you just learn in life
i learned
you either
live
die
or live dead
and the best choice is to live
and the worst is likely live dead
because even though you can come back from it
you feel like you never will
whereas dead is already gone
but still
you don’t chose to die
over to live dead
because help can be found
for the pain from your head

Sometimes you want to scream and tear the wallpaper off the walls but the walls are too thin so you know someone will hear you and they also aren't covered in wallpaper for you to tear off only to probably regret later

hell in a body
thats what they call me
eyes so glassy i can’t even see
tears flowing down with my anxiety
getting yelled at living life too selfishly
being told that i’m a spoiled brat only
being hated because i’m so lonely
being hated because i live quietly
being hated because i am me
hell in a body
that’s what they told me
that what i experience
that makes me lonely
that’s what causes tears
so much that i can’t see
that’s what causes all
my anxiety
that’s what causes hatred
to boil in my heart
not for those around me
but for solely my own self
hell in a body
that’s all i ever feel
too tired to even try anymore
too weak to even move
my body burns down
like a house i should live in
leaving behind ashes and black
i want it to all be over
hell in a body.

Maybe you can't get to me
Maybe I'm just a princess inside her tower
Not knowing you're out there
Fighting for me
Or maybe you aren't trying to get to me
And I’ll be locked away forever
Or until someone else discovers me
And thinks I'm worth fighting for

But I will never know the truth
Until someone shows up in my room
Maybe it’ll be you
Or  maybe another fighting prince
He will wake me with a kiss
And carry me off into the sunset

Or maybe no one will come
No one will see me worth fighting for
Or maybe I'll always be undiscovered

A princess hidden in her tower
Waiting for someone to notice her
And think I'm worth fighting for

But maybe that's not the truth
Maybe I'm not worth fighting for
Maybe I deserve what I've got
And that's why you're not here yet

Maybe you're not coming cause you hate the true me
Maybe you just choose not to care
Maybe I'm not worth fighting for to you anymore
And I know I'm not the best choice
I may be the worst
But maybe you'll forgive me
Even though it hurts

Hurting you was my spindle move
Which I now regret
Dosent matter what I'm wearing anymore
I don't have your compliments

And now I'm in my tower
With all my fear and regret
Daydreaming with closed eyes
Thinking 'bout what I said

Partially hoping you don't come
Partially hoping you do
So I can tell you I'm sorry
For making my spindle move

And maybe it hurts me
Worse than it hurts you
Just knowing that I cause you pain
Is enough to **** me through and through

No longer are the chains that hold me captive visible
They have become ghosts pushing me against a wall
Ghosts taking refuge in my body
I can’t remove them; heaven knows i’ve tried
They speak their names in whispers
And in a language i do not speak
The language known as forgotten
They speak of memories i can not listen to
They speak of pains they hold within me
They hold me captive from within
Using only a word i don’t understand
Past

We don't talk much
But when we do
It's like a drug to me
High on this feeling
Of being cared about
By you
I wouldn't trade anything for it
It makes everything worth it

i can’t force myself to feel okay
but i can’t force myself to go away
every night i get back down
every morning i come back around
an endless cycle of calamities
taking place inside my mind and soul
how do i get rid of this?
“you can’t” i have been told
sometimes it’s simply sadness
without a single meaning
yet i want to stay away from
all that i haven’t been fleeing

months never meant anything
i was still betrayed
what does time matter?
i never wrote the dates on my papers anyway

i’d rather not be in rooms so small that every time a voice is spoken all eyes meet my two in accusation

i’d rather not be in a house so small that midnight trips to keep ones self from dying of accidental starvation are welcomed with a booming “Why are you still awake? Go back to sleep!” rather than a “i’ll see you in the morning, goodnight”

if rather not be in a house so small that every time something goes wrong i’m the one to blame because i’m the smallest of the small in this small house

i’d rather not live in a house where water bills matter less than haircuts and even haircuts don’t matter when it comes to me

i’d rather not live in a house where any time an outsider comes in they become afraid of the silence; never have they been an a house with no soul

i’d rather not live in a house where a bedroom needs to be kept clean at all times yet the living room could fall apart in shambles and we wouldn’t touch it for a week

i’d rather not live in a house where the walls are so think i can hear the voices on the other side speaking my name and saying terrible things

i’d rather be almost anywhere but here most of the time, but alas here i have to stay hoping that this all will end one day

many times i have wished
to simply rip my skin
so that all that does not fit in
can leave

i want to tear myself
like paper, with ease
let the blood run out
let these feeling sease

i’m too young for this
i’m too old for this
i’m was not left with an assist
i was never prepared

but how can i do so
without hurting the ones around me
i would rather leave them
without a pained memory

my depression is a monster
clothed in a shadow hiding its face
it wrestles me to the ground
and i try to fight back
but i’m barely strong enough to stay alive
sometimes it hits me and i get knocked down
the damages can last for a while
and sometimes i get a hit in
but that only makes it angrier
more hungry to feed on what is inside of me
i hope one day to take this monster
to be able to walk it on a leash
and maybe it will listen to most of my commands
but until then i just have to keep trying
and until then that is what i will do

Split into two
Yet still both in one
Left and Right
Always had a difference
The strong and the weak
The confidence and the fear
The hate and the love
Never felt as half and half
But always felt in pairs of whole
As if each a life of its own
And which was truly mine
I dont think ill ever know

I’ve changed a lot in the past year
It may not be too apparent
I look the same, I speak the same
I never tell people about some life changing experience
Because I didn’t exactly have one
There was never a day I woke up and suddenly everything was okay
I don’t really think it’s like that for anyone
But I do believe everyone receives a day of realization
A day when suddenly all these changes hit you
And that can be good or bad
I always wanted an open mind
I wanted to be accepting of things and I wanted to focus on making people happy
I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly accept everyone
But I did sit with a friend I hadn’t talked to in months
And realized how much closer I was to the person I wanted to be
I used to be so strict on everyone and myself
I never realized how much it was truly burdening me until it was gone
Not completely gone of course, changing your way of thinking takes a long time
But I realized I didn’t care how I felt about peoples’ actions anymore
I now only cared about two things when it came to others actions:
One, I cared that it made them happy or benefited them in some way
And two, I cared that it didn’t hurt anyone else in some way
And once I got into that type of mindset, realizing what I truly believe became a lot easier
I still don’t understand everything or how I feel about many controversial topics,
But I don’t think I ever really will, and I’ve learned to be content with that.

Are girls supposed to taste of candy?
Because if so i just might have that down
The words from my mouth you call sweeter than candy
But really thats just my soul turned into cloudy colorful cotton candy
They say you are what you eat
And I sure do eat a lot of sweets
Did I make you believe in that joke?

your words fill my head like a stomach and bread
if you knew my diet, you’d think i’d be dead
before you came around there was no reason to eat
but now that you’re here i have words of wheat
something to keep me from shriveling up
something to make sure that i fill my cup
a reason to eat and a reason to breathe
you can’t leave me now, oh i’m begging you please
your words are what fill me
they’re all that i have
so keep talking to me
before i go mad

My heart is my home
And that's where you live
And, God, I can't get enough of it
I can't get enough of you
So Love don't leave me if you can stay
So Love don't run, you're already so far away
So Love if you must go, can I come along?
Love, please live in my heart forever

She's like poetry
Confusing at first
But once you understand
A picture is painted in your mind
And you can never forget her beautiful words
They echo through your head
And you long to say them
Because nothing was ever so lovely

“i don’t know if i can do it anymore”
said with a hollow heart
from the mouth of a worn down saint
“i feel so tired”
it dropped from her lips
like paint from a canvas
“it gets so lonely”
she dragged her feet
against the pavement
“and every night is so cold”
and she twisted her hair
like she need please me
“disappear is a word i’ve learned to love”
her hands trembled
from the breeze or maybe the lacks
“and i think one day it will describe me”
her eyes met mine
and the only one crying was me

I ink my arms when i am down in order to keep myself from cutting them
I create beautiful stories of the love i hold for you in my head that are then mostly forgotten as i wake
Lanterns mean so much to me not solely because of their beauty but because they remind me of how i let go of one i had in my life a long time ago
My weird habits likely stem from people in my past who i still hold on my heart, maybe just a little
I have a collection of over twenty entirely empty composition notebooks solely to fill with my poetry in the future
I may have a problem because i still want more composition notebooks when i’ve only filled three
I decorate my room and clean it myself not because i’m OCD but because i believe i’m happier when my surroundings are clean, another reason i want to leave this city
I love to go on trips because i hate where i’m at, the people here are as trash on the inside as this city is trash on the outside
Style makes me happy and satisfied even if i can’t keep one of my own, i like to believe that i am just too disperse for that
Looking into my eyes in the mirror as i cry is soothing and you will find i do it a lot
My favorite flower is anything but roses because what a cliche right? but i still want roses on valentine’s day
I will never admit my addiction to chocolate as more than a joke because when someone starts believing it is a problem for real, so will i
My music taste is spread far out to where the only things i can’t stand are things without lyrics, also some techno is acceptable
Why do i think you need to know this? who knows
I guess to let you know that i am deeper than this screen you’re looking at shows

i’ve become so cold

the once brightly burning flames now become quickly burned out by the cold wind blowing through me

if you hold my hand you will feel how cold i have become

back before the pain
we used to have fun
we’d smile and laugh
we never hurt anyone
on my darkest days
you were my little lantern
shining so i could find my way
as you found yours
you floated through the air
yet never left my side
and when you hit the ground
i’d lift you up inside
sometimes your light would go out
i didn’t know it was my fault
i’d light a match and
brighten you up with a single flame
i kept you going and
i followed you
we’d see the beautiful sights
test out new heights
smiling all the way
i painted you a terrible design
but you liked it anyway
you were always my heroine
you’ve fought for me any day
and on the days
when i was down
you lifted both
my feet off the ground
we soared above the streets
as i looked to the stars
it always made me happy
even though life was hard
but it was harder for you
bring paper thin
carrying me was breaking you
wearing down your skin
i didn’t notice of course
but you surely did
you loved me enough to keep going
for my own happiness
one day your beauty broke
inside my hands
i tried to keep you going
but it was me who hurt you
i felt so bad i hurt you
i broke you to pieces
i couldn’t even fix you
after all you did
will someone else put you together
and have you fly for them?
will you still love me
after all the wrong i did?

Its hard to pick yourself up after being shattered into broken pieces of stained glass
Theres not really anyone to show you how to fix yourself because no one bothered to stay around     something so broken
How is glass supposed to fix itself?
When you break something in your own home you clean up the mess dont you?
I guess it doesnt matter to you if its not an immediate danger to you
But never forget that glass can cut after its broken
And glass is a lot more likely to cut you if youre what broke it because anyone else would stay away
So keep a close eye out  because maybe one day this glass will find its way deep in your skin agaiin and before you know it the pain will come
And maybe you cant get the glass out and youll see how no one will help you because they wont want to get their nice white clothes stained with the deep red of your blood
Youll see how the other people wont help
And maybe youll begin to realize how it felt when you broke me and i was left all alone
Im not really one for revenge but if i were that is how it would go
I would make you realize how i felt and not any worse
But i know that it hurts and im not going to be a person that causes others to feel such a pain
I will instead larn to fix myself with glue and take until i am pretty again and when everyoen loves me again you will be jealous
You will see that i came out stringer and more beautiful and the fact that you lost me will **** you
Maybe youll feel alone like i did all those days
And maybe you wont feel anything at all
But either way i will come out better than you and i will be happy without you becuase i now realize that i can be
So think what you want because i may not try to hurt you but i will certainy never allow you to hurt me again

When it rains, it pours
Honey, when it rains it storms
But I trust that you'll be there to keep me warm

i didn’t always realize it
but you long for a hand
to run across your skin
as much as i didn’t think
i longed for it
but when your hand
stretched across the skin
i had learned to despise
suddenly i knew
what it felt like
if flowers were to bloom
on the skin of humans
because flowers are beautiful
so that they can be loved
by the bees
but my skin never bloomed
until it felt your touch
and suddenly wanted
to be loved like a flower
before your touch
the only love my skin felt
we’re the kisses of the sun
leaving spots behind that i cherished
but after your touch
my skin felt more love
than it ever had before
but it had no spots to remember it by
only the racing thoughts
could bring back
how my hands moved towards your hands
how my lips moved towards your lips
how my skin moved towards your skin
so our souls would tangle
and a garden of flowers who long for love
would bloom within us