Dear me (9 years from now),
You're 25... And I have some questions.. sorry but I want to know..
Do we ever get out of our emo phase
(Please tell me we do)
Are we In college?
Do we succeed in art or are we majoring in something that makes us miserable in order to create a better life for the kids I insist that we won't have?
Are you still waking up every Saturday morning at 4 am to make grilled cheese and watch Disney films until 10 o clock? Or do we grow up?
Did we become who my parents want me to be or did we decide to follow our heart and not care if we like the same gender?
Dear me in nine years, do we still go by Katt instead of Katalyna? I'm sorry but I want to know... Do we get over our obsession with coffee? Do we ever stop craving the weird things like peanut butter and oreos, sour cream and hot fries, or apples and Chile powder?
Dear me in nine years I'm sorry but I want to do we ever stop caring so much about everything or do we have daily anxiety attacks? Do things get better? I'm sorry but I want to know...

Swiper no swiping..... I replay these words in my head daily. It's an iconic phrase for my little sister.I love hearing the sound of her voice, such happiness and light behind it. It gives me hope. I love how such simple words from silly cartoon  can light up my day when it comes from my six year old sisters mouth. Her smile alone can pull me out of a hole of depression. She's a ray of sunshine shining in the pool of darkness I drown in called emotions. It's funny, at such a young age this little girl has become my hero. At only the age of six she has managed to turn my life around. I could be having the worst day ever and the thought of her puts a smile on my face. So if such a simple thing as a little girls words from her favorite cartoon can brighten up a teenage ******* the verge of suicide imagine what your words can do.

Have you ever wondered what goes on while you’re sleeping?
There's nothing but darkness and not a speck of light to help you see the monsters that are gathering patiently standing next to your bed waiting for the right moment to feast on your fear.
They tell you the end is drawing near.
The tooth fairy could still be waiting to collect all your teeth, and the boogie man probably still camps out under the bed haunting your dreams.
And trust me its a lot worse than it seems.
You check every ten minutes to make sure you closed your closet door because you never know what will creep out to torture you.
And now you have a funny feeling that you’re no longer a whole,that these monsters are stealing bits and pieces of your soul.
You have that feeling that things just aren't going to go right.
Then there's that moment you decide to wake up in the middle of the night.
You open the door and  hear little footsteps echoing though walls.
Then you see the shadows that creep up and down the halls.
Now of course you tell yourself that you're just paranoid, that you're a teenager now you're too old to believe in the monsters under the bed.
Yet you realize that you still have to deal with the monsters inside of your head.
And you know that they are planning to stay.
Then you think hey... maybe controlling the pain you feel will keep these monsters away.
So you start to wonder how do you control the pain you feel?
Because in reality the monsters make it feel just to real.
Then you see the scars that you carved into your wrist last year.
You were controlling pain then but turning back is your greatest fear.
You don't know what to do,
but you the choice is left up to you.
You reach for the blade you have under your bed.
Make a decision; give up or confront the monsters inside of your head.

I'm sick of all my friends being sad lately I mean these are the people who picked me up out if my whole of depression and now they're falling into it. Now all I can do is try to be strong enough to bring them out, but what if I'm not strong enough yet.
What if I fail them.
What if I fall down with them.
What if I'm not good enough.
The world is full of to many of these "what  ifs" to not be afraid. They were there for me, what if I can't be there for them?

You look me in my eyes and you don't see tears....Are you blind?
You say I'm strong, that I have no fears... I think you're blind.
You say I'm smart... And pretty... Oh please I'm not blind,
But if you don't realize that its summer and I'm in long sleeves, you must be blind.
One day you catch me upset, depressed.
I hide my blade and fake a smile and say I'm tired.
You say okay I'll leave you to get some rest.
YOU'RE BLIND

I'm looking at my arm tracing the faded scars that are nearly invisible. I thought no one noticed until you pulled me a side grabbed my wrist and told me no more. I teared up and you wiped away my tear and you told me no morevwe sat down and starting talking I felt my cheeks turn red when you said I was pretty I bit my cheek inside I was falling for you but I told myself no more
No more scars
No more tears
No more Insecurities
No more falling in love
Because in the end there is just no more

Today I looked in the mirror
"who's that girl looking back at me?"
there was a time where I thought I truly knew her
but she's not who she was raised to be
she has a smile on her face
and this look in her eyes
unhidden by God's grace
she wears no disguise
she has no scars
she's make up free
for once in her life she's happy
so don't try to take her joy away
that's a game she's not willing to play
just let her be
**Don't you see that she's happy!?!?!

You call me your Cinderella because of my past
Well you should know that fairy tales don't last
I thought you were my prince but little did I know
That you were just putting on a show
You called me your angel because of my "beautiful" face
But now I realize that I  was just your charity case
Well don't worry about your little princess
I'm no longer the damsel in distress
And now I  know the word love was created for a fairytale that don't live in.

I won't let something silver lead to something red, because I'm tired of this. I'm sick of turning heads due to something on my wrist. I'm tired of being labeled with the right title for the wrong characteristics, yea I'm emo but society's definition for the word is unrealistic. I'm tired of being labeled and stereotyped by people who don't have the facts. I'm tired of being treated differently due to my style. I'm tired of being called an emo freak behind my back. And you wonder why I hardly ever smile. I'm tired of people saying they know me, the ones who say I'm strong because they never see me cry. But if they would take a closer look at reality they would realize that what they say they know is a lie. Because in reality I'm that girl that no one notices. Always getting looked over, the one you would walk right past. And if you do notice me the first thing you do is ask if I am okay. You ask the same question, you get the same answer. It's the same conversation every day. Yet you ask me again I guess your just making sure. So we start again.

Are you okay?
                                                                                              I'm fine.
That's it I will make you happy today!
                                                                    I think that choice is mine.
You look upset....
                                                                                 I'm tired that's all.
You should get some rest.

                              (but today our little "talk" took a fall)
                                                not what I meant not sleepy or worn out
You said you were tired, tired of what?
                  I don't know people, life, ever thing makes me want to shout!
Let me see your arm, tell me there isn't a fresh cut.
                              there isn't no I'm through, with the way my system is   wired I cant deal with you get this in your head im fine im tired

I've been looking for an escape for 3810 days still there's no way out. Once you're in, you're in. Don't even try to shout. That's when time stops and all eyes are on you. The crowd draws closer to you and closer to you, until you can't breathe. They will mound it on your chest, stich it in your heart, burn it into your mind. Your label Your creed. Mine is still undetermined. There's too many flaws to choose from, but trapped is the most popular one. I am trapped in an invisible straight jacket due to my wild imagination. I am trapped, forced to listen to lies. I am trapped in a bubble of isolation. I refuse to listen to the lies I was told in the world I lived in at age four, where the biggest let down was if I didn't get a cookie. There was no such thing as war, but that world was taken from me, just as I was taken from them. Now I'm trapped in a world where no one listens. No one will listen to me, when I got trapped here I was that idiot who shouted and now they think I'm crazy. Well I'm not!....Okay, okay, okay, a little insane maybe. Yet it makes me stronger. It's my tool to survive even longer, longer than I should have to live. They keep me trapped here because apparently I have so much love to give, but I will give and I will give until I run out. Then go back to stage one... Try not to shout. But until then I'm trapped in a world where pretty seems better, in a world where heterosexual is the norm. I'm trapped in a world where my heart has been shattered, stomped on, and torn. Here.... it's here out of all places in the universe, it's here that I am **TRAPPED

KJ isn't cute
KJ isn't neat
KJ isn't who you'd think
KJ isn't smart
Her feelings aren't near concrete
She hates her self every second of the day
But this no one can see
Yet people throw complaints and shame her way
And feed her with 14 years of shame
KJ wants to be back in the shadows
Wear playing with her emotions isn't a game
KJ wants to go home
In her room to be alone
The voices in her head say this is where her personality is best shown
As you can see KJ isn't who she wants to be
But she's there for you to see
So just face reality

Fake a smile
Dry your eyes
Hide your scars
Tell better lies

Take a breath
Don't cut your wrist
Don't black out
Unclench your fist

Just stay calm
Walk away
Block them out
Get through the day

This is what I tell myself
This is what I try to do
This is why people say I need help
This is why I need you

But... for today I'll talk myself out of this state of mind
For today I'll keep track of my time
For today I will see what I can do
To keep my mind off of you

Talking to myself