Crystal

Crystal Dec 2017

BACK.

Back to being sad.
Back to being lonely.
Back to being dead inside.
Back to fighting with myself.
Back to losing hope.
Back to being lost and damaged.
Back to feeling blue.
Back to loving you.
Back to loving, hating myself for letting you do what you do.
Back to being "brOKen"
Back to feeling numb.
Back to the boy, so now they call me dumb.
Back to feeling stupid.
Back to being used.
Back to the things I've secretly missed.
Back to being lost and confused.
Back to acting naive, just because I'm young.
Back at letting the pain back in because she asked so politely.
Oops?

I don't know...

Crystal Dec 2017

R word pt2.

"Maybe you asked for it"
Maybe I did.
Of course I mean I was on my knees begging for it, so it seems.
Crying, kicking, screaming.
I've yet to figure out how to put in words how terrifying it was.
No words can ever describe how he stripped me from myself.
Took all of me without asking........
Maybe I asked for it, that seems to be everyone excuse for when a boy doesn't man up to the things he has done.

"The R word I can't say"

The R word I can't say is in my profile.

Crystal Dec 2017

SMILE.

You wake up.
Put a happy face on.
Act as everything is fine.
In reality they don't know.
Your world is on fire.

Darling don't let it burn you.
Instead,roast marshmallows with a smile.

Some like the burn.

#free #smile #fire #sleep

Crystal Dec 2017

IDK

You ever feel lost and empty?
But you seem to have everything in your life.
Like great friends, partner, family, school is going great, work is going great.
But something seems to be missing and you try so hard to find that missing piece only to lose more pieces along the way?
I'd like to think it means you're growing. Nothing wrong with growing , even if that means you grow apart from people and things that in the moment made you happy.
I don't know... I think a lot, about a lot.

Crystal Dec 2017

ask.

You asked me to give you a chance.
I did.
You asked me to fall in love with you.
I did.
You asked me to care about you.
I did.
You asked me stay.
I did.
You asked me to trust you.
I did.
I did all of these things, scared out of mind you'd break my heart.
You asked me if I loved you.
I said yes
You asked me if you'd leave, would I cry.
I said of course
I asked you if you loved me.
You said maybe
I asked you to stay.
You left me.
I asked you if you cared about me.
You laughed and I never heard from you again.

Crystal Nov 2017

.

I can't help it.
You hurt me.
You put me in pain.
I let you hurt me.
I let you in and now I am a big mess
I let you in and now I can't seem to let you go.

Crystal Nov 2017

Dear Bipolar

You have been in my family for years.
A long history I have with you.
yet I know nothing about you.
I only know how you can make me feel.
I know that I can fall asleep so happy with myself and my life.
Only to wake up and want to end it.
I can go from confused to angry within a matter of seconds all because of the thoughts you put in my head.
You've got me wishing I was dead.
You've got me hopeless , lost, and scared of my own thoughts.
I have tried to make amends with you.
I have asked you to leave, but looking at my family tree I guess that isn't up to me. I am so jealous of those in my family that have not crossed your path.
I am so angry you chose me, because I want nothing to do with you, but you want everything to do with me.
Slowly I am understanding how you work, but it seems once I learn your pattern, you decide to make a new one.
I wish I was "normal" I wish I didn't have to explain to people in my life that it is not entirely up to me on how I feel.
I will not let you destroy me .
I will not become you, but I am now okay with you becoming a part of me.

I am not the best writer i know.

#insane #bipolar #lost #love #help