I was raised in the church.
I was taught that God, the almighty,
is kind and merciful and great.
I was taught that He has a plan.
But how can I believe in a god
that did this to me?
How can I have faith in a god
that has cursed my bloodline?
How can I love a god
that has never shown love to me?
How can I believe in a god
that has never believed in me?

There’s this girl
who spends her nights laying awake,
wishing to find a reason to live.
She goes through each day fighting,
trying to survive to the next.
She has been hurt so many times,
more than anyone could count.
Her trauma outweighs her will to live.
Her brain tells her that she
does not deserve to live.
She is me
and I will not stop fighting.

i’ve had less panic attacks
all because of my medication.
i have to admit
i miss the comfort in knowing them.
the panic showed that i cared.
it showed that i still felt something.
now my entire world is just
numb

you probably didn’t think much about it
when you said that your friend thought
that i was cute.
but you don’t know that i’ve known him,
probably longer than any of you have.
you don’t know that when you came over,
my entire body was shaking.
you don’t know that even approaching me
caused my anxiety to skyrocket.
you don’t know that what you said hurt.
you don’t know that i hate myself.
you don’t know that even i know
that most people are not attracted to me.
not when i look the way i do.

When we first started talking,
I had no expectations.
We were just friends
and that’s how it should have stayed.
But i can’t control my heart
and it was already frayed.

I wanna text you.
I wanna call.
But I’ve realized that if i reach out,
I’ll just get hurt.
I still want you,
But i’m learning that what i want
is not what is best for me.

I’m addicted to you
and the way you made me feel.
I spent the nights after it ended
going through withdrawals
that were almost as bad as when i forgot my medication for three days straight.
Every time i saw you made me
want to relapse
just to feel your skin against mine.
Now i’m no longer addicted to you.
You’re just a bad memory
and a former fix.