Tati - Hello Poetry

Tati Sep 2018

Should I just end it all?
It’s 1 in the morning and as usual,
I can’t sleep
Restless
I’m seeing stars, and not the good ones
I’m seeing my life flash before my eyes
My eyes, such a clear green it was as if you were looking straight into a peridot
My birthstone
But all I can do is write
And write
And write
Because if I don’t distract myself i know I’ll end up going on “Uber eats” just to order 100 bottles of sleeping pills from my local CVS and end my suffering once and for all
If Uber eats had that option, I would’ve used it a long time ago
Because as you’ve read from my poems, dear reader, my life isn’t peaches and daisys
Well if the peaches were rotten and the daisys were dead and wilting,
I think it would be a pretty accurate representation
But ive been through a plethora of horrible occurrences
That nobody knows about
Because I’m known as the golden girl
The charming doll with the moxie
But inside, I’m as broken as an old CD you find in the back of your closet that you haven’t listened to since 2004
I stay up for hours praying and aching for the Lord to take me
Since I wasn’t meant to be here
I just wasn’t cut out for life
And I know romanticizing suicide is wrong
But I can’t help thinking how beautiful it is to be dead
I hope CVS is still open

#suicide #depression #sad #heartbreak #poetry #love

Tati Sep 2018

My father

What made you not love your own daughter?
Your own flesh and blood?
The one that you raised into this world to become a strong woman, and to guide to a life of joy and love?
“He’s a horrible person, your father, that man loves no one,” says my mother
I know
I grew up with him
I lived with him
I lived with the angry outbursts and the mood swings that led to the demise of my parents relationship
I grew up in a house without love
I never got to experience seeing my parents hand in hand
Instead, my father used that hand for evil
His abuse tore me to shreds
It beat me to the ground like he did that day
After that day I stopped loving my father
My eyes were opened to the monster that was truly him all along
A part of me wants to beat some sense into him
“How could you treat your family like this? What did we do to deserve this treatment?”
But another part of me wants to hold him close and ask him
Beg him
“Why don’t you love me daddy, why?”
But his answer would haunt me until the day I die
“Because you’re just like your mother”

Tati Sep 2018

****

I’m not quite sure what hurt the most
Everything for me seems to be in a daze after what happened that night
Kind of like the morning fog when you’re trying to walk to school
And it’s so thick you don’t know if you’ll survive
Then you realize you’re exaggerating and the only way you won’t survive the day is if you don’t pass that math exam and get beat with the sandal when you get home
But am I exaggerating in this situation?
I feel numb
And like it’s all my fault
Even after I screamed and begged for you to stop and you wouldn’t
When you were finished you looked at me and said “you liked it though” and “calm down. You know I love you”
But is that really love?
Is forcing the person who was always there to give you the world and everything in their soul to make you happy to do things you know they didn’t want to do for your own selfish wants love?
Is it?
I think I’d rather fail my math exam and get beaten by the sandal
But unfortunately, I’m not a child anymore, so that can’t be my main concern
Instead of getting beaten by a sandal because of my laziness in failing to study since I was up all night watching novellas and writing poetry while eating Twizzlers
I was beaten by you

Tati Sep 2018

Without me

My biggest fear is the day I die
Not because I’m afraid of dying
In fact, I’d give anything for the sweet release of death right now
To swoop me in its arms and take me far, far, away from this horrible world we call life
It is because I’m afraid that when I die, you’ll find someone else to love
Some may call it selfish, but I think true and everlasting love is the one that never dies
Even if the person does
I can just imagine waiting at the gates of heaven for you
For what seems like an eternity
Because that’s how it feels to be away from you, my love
But what happens when you finally arrive, but with another woman?
To realize that you moved on
To feel my heart shattering as I watch you enter the gates of heaven with her
And not me
And then
To have to live in eternity
Watching you with her
And not me
To have all the angels rejoicing
In the land of milk and honey
In paradise
Without me
They say everything in heaven is perfect,
and without suffering
But what will I do
When you walk into paradise
With her
And not me

#heaven #angels #heartbreak #broken

Tati Sep 2018

Dolores

“Why would you ever want to name a child that?”
Is what my mother asks me when I tell her that if I ever have a daughter I want that to be her name
Dolores
Meaning “pain” in Spanish
I think the names beautiful
My mother shakes her head
“It’s because of that book isn’t it? What was it called again? ******?”
Maybe
The tragic love story that ends in death?
Yes please!
I don’t understand my fascination with desired romance that always ends in tragedy
I don’t think I ever will
But to answer my mother’s question, I just say
“I think it’s a lovely name”
She shakes her head as if I’m crazy
Maybe it’s because I am

Tati Sep 2018

The man that I love pt.2

He’s a pathological liar
As soon as he’s inspired
He sets my heart on fire
He’s my only true desire
But I’ll never be enough for the man that I love
The only thing he cares about are hoes and his drugs
And it’s sad
So sad
That I’m so in love with him even though I know he’s bad

Tati Sep 2018

The man I love

His Spanish accent seems to flow off his lips like rose water and honey
The sugary sound of his lies and the salt from his troubled past tastes like something you’d get at a carnival
Sticky and sweet
His eyes the color of burnt leaves
And the bronze of his tossled hair
Makes me want to lunge at him with all my force
Makes me want to demand for his love
Makes me want him to forget about his darkness and love me with all of his inner being
To be consumed by him
To be his everything
But
That can’t happen
Because the only thing he’ll ever love are his addictions