We met in December

Locked eyes and fell instantly.


I never liked the cold.


But I liked the late nights.

Talking.

Whispering secrets in the in-between

Or sharing looks of longing.

Quietly.


I never liked the cold.


You say winter makes it worse.

That it reminds you of growing up.

A turning point.

Trading blows instead of cards,

Where baseball bats

Aren't used

For baseball

Anymore.

I never liked the cold.

And my heart tore

When you showed me the pills lining your pockets.

"Just in case,"

You would say

"I need a quick escape,"

And I never knew

I could feel so numb

As when they called

And said what you had done.

That you were gone.


I never liked the cold.


But I really liked you.

According to statistics, I shouldn't be alive
But I'm kicking and screaming
And crawling my way through the numbers
The percentages tangle at my feet
And threaten to pull me down with them
But I claw on with everything I have
Because anything less than 100%
Means I become a number
Like the rest of them.

My tongue is twisted into double knots, and my mouth is left hanging open ever so slightly. The words that wanted to fall out sit silently at the back of my throat. I swallow them down with a gulp, and when I close my mouth, it is all over.