You have to know
This sets me off
Into a never ending panic
You cutting me off
Short
Sending me away
Like before
No longer worthy
Of your thoughts
Or conversation even
What have I done now
Maybe
I am
Too much
To handle
Too clingy
Too needy
Too ****** in the head
And I've trapped you in the corner
With my constant problems
And need for you around
Me
I am
The cause
Of all
That is wrong

So

D i s t a n t

Is

what

I

Will

Become

When we were knee high we couldn't wait to be where we are now
high school didn't matter but god did we ever
stress about the little things that weren't so little in our eyes.
School was just a thing we couldn't wait to be rid of
our friends were gonna last forever no matter what our parents said
we had our lives all figured out.

Now we're college drop outs paying bills in apartments
you picked out with that person you thought was the one
left at square one wishing for your youth back
so you can shake your ******* teenage shoulders
and scream to smarten up cause they were right.
They were right.

Tonight as I lay rest my weary head
I look to the east, where cold blankets lie.
Alas, night fall has driven us to bed
you fled to yours, and I crawled into mine.

But tomorrow we shall not fear the stars
or moon, the darkness will be our savior.
With their calling we shan't flee to our cars
to spend nights alone, such strange behavior.

And in the morning I'll turn to the east
pull back warm sheets entangled round my love
sleeping soundly, my touch calming the beast
prodding behind his bare chest; yet above
your head I see the shadow from the sun
marking nights end and a new days begun.

It’s been a long time coming
Three years on, two years gone
Yet we still manage to collide
Headfirst back into each other’s lives
With manic conversations catching up and singing verses
They always lead to heated meetings
at the bar at the show where you said you’d never be
Back to my place for a beer or 3
but nothing good ever happens after 2am
And you know that as well as me.

Im sorry I’m not good enough for you always,
But for now I’ll be good enough for this week
Until you meet the girl of your dreams,
I’ll keep you company.
I’ll keep you company.

If I had it my way
I'd spend each day by your side
and each night in your arms
for the rest of my days
for the rest of yours;
No quarrel shall last
more than an hour
no tears shall be shed
out of sadness;
But most of all
no longer shall your heart
ache for me at any time
for I shall always be there
when you need me most.

Yes
reach towards me
touch my hand, trace my thighs
lean forward
and lunge towards my heart
rip it out
and steal the breath in my lungs
then cut the veins
one by one
infront of my teary eyes

I feel like I was hit by a truck barreling down
while I was dancing in the highway praying nothing would hit me
but obviously, eventually, it would happen
somewhere deep in my gut I knew I'd get smashed into pieces
but I couldn't face reality, and slowly
slowly my time ran out

You don’t wanna know what goes on in my head on cold winter nights
When everythings wrong and nothing is right;
Even my own mind scares me sometimes.

We're just seventeen and we're going ******* hard
Hanging downtown, pulling out our fake cards
Sneaking out on weekdays, life is such a chore
Babe you only live once so go crazy

We fall in love for a night then do it all again
Burning cars to the ground and it's only 10
Lying on the street covered in glitter and glass
Streaking in the park and never going to class
Babe you only live once so go crazy

There's this room
old wooden floors that creak in certain spots unless you're real careful
to tiptoe over the strewn clothes I never got around to hanging up
brick walls with several holes from nailed up paintings I was proud of
a window from floor to ceiling that overlooks the busy city street
that lets all of the winter air in and magnifies the summer sun
and a king sized mattress with the bed sheets half hanging off
you're still half naked, fast asleep under what sheets are left
I walk through and see the typewriter on the floor surrounded by
pages covered in red and black ink from the nights before
boxes of undeveloped film canisters at the foot of that king sized bed
a couple of empty mugs with the tea bag still clung to the bottom;
I hit a creak, you roll onto your back and give me that half dead smile.


I open my eyes

Cipralex
Pop three whenever you notice
The oozing and bubbling skin
On your arms in the morning
From being too close to hell
In one evening
Side effects may include
Yawning every 5 seconds
Not due to boredom or tiredness
Light headedness
From the lack of food you now realize you have yet to eat
May result in abuse of medication
Due to not wanting to feel numb constantly

The world was once alive
Back when it was new and pushed the limits of sane
And didn’t give a ****

The world grew fame
And fell for the moon, while they skyrocketed backwards
Not giving a ****

Yet the world crashed
Burned and grew still with the utter feeling of emptiness
And no one gave a ****

I’ve found love at the age of 18

true love if it lasts

a great love even if it doesn't;

It scares me to think in a few months time I might not be here anymore

I can barely go a few days without kissing him, hearing him

but if this is true love, it will work

and if it isn't, there’s still time to enjoy what we have;

I swear that I will never hurt him

and he swears to me he’ll do the same

so if it’s true love our promises will hold

and if it isn't, it’s a lesson learnt;

But whether our hearts are pure or not

I know in my gut I’d do anything for him

and I know he’d do the same

so if that isn’t true love, if this doesn’t last

then I won’t be able to look at the world the same.

No one can accept the person outside
Too much, little said
Pretty and plastic is what I should be
Yet I fall under the opposite
Ugly

Flimsy and bulgy imperfection always
Teach me to be like the others
Nothing but perfect or so they seem
Flawless, beautiful
Thin

Much leaves my mouth
Little enters
Pounds drop, bones brittle
Blood stops, yet it pours
Seeps

I'll fade away till you cant see
The ugly that lies
The blood flows free
Before I am too old
I'll die
Young

I seek you angel of death;
Breath down my spine,
taint my soul with your tongue.
Steal my final breath and relieve me of this burden;
Open my eyes to your world.

I wish I could say
I have the same friends I had a year ago,
but that just isn't how life worked out for me.
People just don't tend to stick with me
while rumors refuse to let go of their hold on me
so I'm plagued by ex friends, ex lovers and their lies
when all I want is some brightness in my life

silent defeat
down rosy worn out cheeks
once my moon has risen
to its highest peak;
where are your rough fingertips
to wipe away my storm?
pulling back the blinds
to block out your sun.
Sleep now before they wake
for your night has reached its end
and mine has just begun.

They made me feel
uncomfortable
undesirable
And I always felt like I was never enough.
How sick was my mind to think it was love
that hurt and lies could ever occur
when two hearts become one?

Like years past my memories have risen
And played out in front of me for your viewing pleasure
They dance
I crumble

Shotguns loaded and pitchforks raised
They throw rocks at my window in hopes I will come out
I hide
They wait

My walls cant withstand another blow, my windows are cracking
Headfirst out the glass strewn pane, the fire and flames break my fall
With my last breath I'll cry out
You've won

Strangers stare and question her sanity
although she pleads her case on something else
the bags under her eyes everyday remind you of yourself;
Sunrises were your reluctant goodnight
to a drug fueled night alone again.
Back when your forehead was too big so you cut your bangs yourself.
Back when Bloc Party, no matter the song, brought you to your knees
to plead
and facebook stalking was reasonable considering;
Tell them the honest to goodness truth
it hurts for a while but then you'll love again.
That special someones right under you nose
even as we speak.
Something they never wanted isn't worth the blood sweat and tears,
so breathe babygirl because your second coming is now.

We all have our secrets
Our demons
Our baggage.
We all put up a front to the world.
We show people that our lives are perfect;
That we’re tough ****,
That we don’t care or that we do
We create our own little fantasy world
Starring the better version of ourselves,
The ones we wish we were.
And we act it out every time we leave the confides of our home. Everyone is fake,
Everyone.

The continuous rise and fall of his chest
synchronized to my heartbeat.
My head, gently cushioned
between his collarbone and shoulder blade.
Our body temperatures reaching common ground;
I have slowly melted into your skin
past your entangled veins and nerve endings,
straight into your bones;

They live for the rush of the minds contemplation
And seek for the weak to destroy what they have
Life
Make it seem unbearable
Utterly dreadful at the least
Till their minds contemplate
And then
They feed your soul with hope
Happiness and joy
So they can take life away again
They are murderers
They **** the soul and mind
And have killed me inside and out.

I know your best sides
and  I know your worst.
I know every one of your flaws
and each one I love.
Whether I’m standing there holding you
or on the phone halfway across the world
or even if I’m that faceless person telling you things are OK,
I’ve always been there for you.

But things have changed
I’ve changed, you’ve changed
Months have gone by since that last night,
But love is strange, love is strong,
it finds ways to creep into your veins
and resurface when you least expect it
because true love never dies,
It resurfaces.

As long as there is love left in my veins,
Second chances will always come our way.

I've only seen this a hundred times before
once there's nothing more to give
they walk closer to the door
until alas they step outside my grasp
and look to me no more

I want to melt into your skin
past your muscle mass
watch your veins
pulsate
with the prodding tune
of your heart

Sit and count your virtibrae
while you contemplate our lives
with roots dug deep
intertwined in ways
that make lovers weep
with envy

The lulling sounds of the river
mixed with tribal drum beats
pushes us to our feet,
and with one exhale
the room finally bursts to life;
Lights enhance the swirling mass
that dances through the rays
slowly seeping into our tired and damaged lungs
and hypnotizing our fried minds.

My first love was my favorite,
his hungry eyes would only soften with my smile
and his arms were my haven.
I spent days memorizing his skin
every crevice, every freckle, every scar
his body was my favorite book
and mine was his.
He loved more than I ever could
and I took it for granted
I lost my chance at love
his eyes have now found someone else
his heart no longer in my care
nothing will compare to my first love
until I find my last

I miss how much I cared about the future
Concerned about how the world saw me
And how I saw myself
But lately I'll admit that I've grown too numb
To care about the person others see when they look at me

I miss how things were,
When I thought I knew what was next
When I thought tomorrow was guaranteed
And could tell myself that things will only get better
Without blatantly lying through my teeth

I miss your laughter, still echoing in my halls
But its too late to say that I wanted you to stay
Here I am, wishing time to turn back
So I could tell myself to hold on just a little longer
So I can stop being filled with so much regret

All I want to do is sit and write anything like before
cheesy romance ******* about how your touch makes me feel
or the way your eyes change from hazel to green
depending on how the sunlight hits it
but
nothings coming out
nothings making sense
everything you've done to me is too good for my words
too good for their ears
even though every ******* moment is engraved into my eyes
and replayed every second I catch my breath
or loose the butterflies.

Two hours I've sat perched on my bench,
my family waiting to drown out the inevitable
click clack of my typewriter
because with a smile like mine they know the writing never stops
but this time it never comes
you just have to experience it for yourself.

come sit in the booth with us at the bar
watch us nod and bob and weave to each others voices
or one anothers favourite songs played on cheap guitars
by singers that are sub par.
Experience whatever we should call this,
an amazing friendship with the added bonus of benefits
the beginning stages of what I hope isn't love but dare I deny it
the one person who might end up destroying me
but for now he's just the reason for my torturous
writers block.

I took a pickaxe to my heart
and chipped away the poison
clogging my arteries and
slowing my pulse to a whisper;
after years of build up
I finally curbed the beast within
but things were too good to be true.

Now my pulse beats a different tune
to what I've grown so used to
and I no longer crave the poison
that built walls around my heart
leaving me helplessly trying
to figure out what I want
and who I am
without the monster who controlled me

***** and shucks aside
We roll this way and that
Your hand never leaves my side;
Wrapped around my waist line or
******* in my "adorable" red *******.
Your fingers never moved an inch
Away from me that night
Even at 3 when you realized you hogged
The whole blanket you wrapped it
Right back around me.
And you never left.
Never turned your back.
Hippy haired boy
Youre gonna destroy me.
Post ******* punker
With a heart so big I don't know how
To feel.

You're trying to be anything but what you see in the mirror
everyone says you're full of this potential you can't see,
as if there's something more to you
some hidden side
subdued glimmer of hope.

It's been 16, 17, 18 years and you still can't see
through the eyes of those around you.
Everyday you peer into the mirror
and only see you,
never changing, nothing special
lackluster in comparison to what they all see.

One day something will happen and you'll see
or one day someone will come and help show you,
That you are perfect, you are loved,
and you are full of potential.

Finger tips
softly tracing heart beats
Slowly dragging me deep
Into a world I don't deserve

Head slipping underneath
Lungs filling quickly
Possibilities

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Twelve PM, or sometime around then
you've said your hello's to your fam
if they're in,
and if not you say hi to comedy central and your bestie Gin
quarter past means its reasonable enough to climb back to bed
here's a hint:
to convince yourself you're busy,
keep your phone, laptop and tv all on or within arms reach.
That gets me through the day,
minus the occasional *** and drink break
or random banter between family
( only if cross paths accidentally)

Six PM
Time to give in and drink the rest of whatever's left from last night
*****, Wine, *** and Gin
Mix, grab my pack and head out back
chain-smoke until I gag and hack
sway and sing about those
doses and mimosas, that champagne and *******
but did it get me through?
or just mask the truth

1AM in bed still, or again
this is usually when my life comes crumbling in
either I'm destroying what I love or they're destroying myself
or maybe the ***** just makes it all seem like too much.
I'll say "Baby, I'm giving it up its too much,
I've had so many revelations, seen the light and been touched
**** tomorrow I'll be good, tomorrow I'll expand
I'll get my fat *** out of bed, I'll ******* shake a strangers hand
Tomorrow's the start baby, you'll see
Tomorrow I'll finally get back to being me"

Eleven AM
Rub back groggy eyes and stretch out cramped toes
get dressed if the fam is home
stay **** if it seems quiet
run back if you made the wrong assumption and try again
check your face, anything new?
Say hi to way-to-young-to-have-you wrinkles cross your forehead
say goodbye to bulbous pimples that arrived overnight
take a ****, check the news,
head downstairs and wait till noon.

Month after month
Faking normal states of mind
complying to the every need
of those around me, frantically trying
to please them so they don't see
and once I'm fine,
I grab a beer and dance all night
in strange men's basements
a smile never leaving my plastered face
and I let them sort their own **** for once

I've unknowingly made my peers
fall in love with my own worst enemy
and hate the real me

Please tell me you love me one last time before i go
Hush the demons inside me for a little while more
The longer I'm left waiting to hear that you haven't gained a clue
(As to the torment i feel i put you through)
The louder my demons twist my thoughts to destroy my good faith in you.
So please, i know i ask too much but for now all i need from you
Is one last kiss and promise of love before i bid adieu

I’m yours; not his.
He’s been long forgotten since I’ve gazed into your eyes
and had a moment of your time.
Don’t fret my love,
I've sewn our shadows together,
so even when we’ve reached a dark path
when we come out the other end we will still be one.
And I will never leave you,
I will never not try to make you smile.
I love you too much to let you go

Skin opened like a butterflies wings
through death my soul is released
it's lovely, truly
greyish tone, salmon hues
floating somberly towards you

as the sun sets
we meet as they sleep
and pour our hearts into each other


and as the sun rises
we wake intertwined
and whisper our morning hello's

this is perfection at its best

It’s there
Under all the scar tissue and bones,
the blood and muscles,
there lies something that has its own mind.
It overpowers your brain,
sends shock-waves down your spine,
and in the end, controls you.
No matter what you’ve experienced,
no matter what you know is ‘best’,
it only takes a single glance for your heart to go mad and turn against you
Love is cruel,
love is careless,
love is blind;

What we need
is impossible to achieve;
What we feel, is not the same
As what we once felt
Our love has turned to nothing more
than heartless boughts of heated intimacy
Achieved without an ounce of passion;
We're run dry, yet we can't let go
So we cling on;

"You have old eyes
Eyes older than twenty two, simply based upon
the depth of those crow's feet criss crossed around your eyes;"
You old alien soul, how you found me I'll never know

Sixty dollars spent just for this
The fuel to let go of those whispering
Nagging thoughts
Flickering behind my eyes all night.
I spend that money,
Whether I can afford it or not,
And prepare for the fight I know I'll cause;
Because a drunk girl
Always finds something to talk about.
By morning we've made amends
Patched the holes
Fixed up our souls
And you help me count pennies
In hopes of sixty dollars more

*******
He isnt cheating
He isnt doing anything wrong
He's your man
He's your love
He's your life
And everythings ok
Ok
Ok
Ok?
Ok

I want to slip back into old habits
Take the razor blade and dig for a vein
Or maybe the white of my bones
I want to search for myself in there
In the blood and tissue matter
Past the scarred mess he left
Try and find out what makes me tick
Heart or head
Which comes first

S-o-u-l-m-a-t-e
when asked to define
I pull out a picture of you
and declare "well he's mine"