He sees her body
Not her sore tears
Or her forced smile
She's afraid and crying out
But he only sees her flushed pink lips
Not her unhealed scars
Or her numb heart
He's blinded by her beautiful appearance
He doesn't hear her screams
He's too focused on what her hands might do in the dark
He'd be disappointed to know they only turn on lights
Because the dark scares her
Just like happy faces and crowded places do
Moral of the story she's broken
Like shattered tempered glass
And she has an excellent disguise
Like chameleons in the trees
So to the world she's completely fine

I loathe that word
It's such a lonely word
Makes me feel empty
You know?
Sorry, got lost in the idea that people might actually care about me

It's so excruciating knowing you're unloved
Knowing all you got is yourself
I guess it's safe to say it'll always be that way
This world is unbearably cruel to think otherwise
So I'll just be isolated like every other pathetic and depressed being

It's the worst when you can't cry anymore
You're breaking and everything is gone
You're in a so much pain
Your heart races and the oxygen feels low
But you have no tears
So you just sit there staring blankly at the wall
It's like you're slowly dying and you can't scream for help
So you just sit there until you take your last breath

How do I explain to people that when I say I'm tired I don't mean I'm sleepy
I mean living is exhausting and I need a break
But that's just it isn't it?
I can't explain it to anyone
No one will understand
The darkness I lost myself in has me chained and I will not fight for freedom
I'm weak and fragile
My demons refuse to let me baptize myself in the happiness that everyone seems to be drenched in
And the worst part of it all is my peers think I'm happy
They see my smile and hear my laughter
They are blinded from my trembling lips and deaf from my screams
And don't get me wrong I know I'm not the only one
But those who suffer as I am fail to realize it's not just sadness
It's so much more
It's like I'm burning alive with no one to save me
The struggle is unnoticed
And even though I have so many people who care about me I feel as if I have no one because the person I want to be here for me isn't
This battle to live when I want to die is breaking me
I only live so the one I love most won't feel alone
But that loved one fails to realize I'm suffering most
I just need the drugs and the pills
I'll spend my days smelling of ciggerates and sleep
But forever isn't promised and the bridge is sketchy
If I fall just know I held on as long as my insanity let me

I've found someone
Who makes me feel alive
Who makes my heart skip a beat
Who makes me feel as if I'm not inadequate

He is the rose that bloomed through the thorns I was trapped in
And God crafted him just for me
But to say we'll last is an understatement
My insanity could always set free

Sometimes when my heart is aching
And I'm all alone
I like to hold my left hand out and pretend God is holding it
So then it's like I'm not completely alone

They say everyone has a story
And there's always people who want to hear it
But let me tell you something about mine
It's not a story
It's real life
It actually happened
And I'm haunted by it everyday
People expect others to just tell about our faults and tragedy like it's nothing
Like it's something sad from a story book
But it's not that at all
The pain
The battle
And the struggle was all very real
You can't just take words and put them together and expect it to be a story when it actually reality

I cry at night because I feel like I have no one
I'm terrified of being alone
Yet when someone's tries to be there for me I push them away
Because I don't feel like I deserve them

Living life is a struggle
I can't stand without falling

Hell is when you relive the worst moment in your life over and over again

You
Are
So
Broken
My
Darling*

When he whispered those words to me I immediately hated him

And I will always hate him

I'm a hypocrite
A *****
A criminal
And a mistake

Those are the thoughts of my peers
I'm forever stuck between wanting to agree with them and wanting to disagree because I know the truth
But knowing the truth can mean so little when compared to lies others are blinded by

His lips felt so rugged against mine
More like a graveyard
His arms embrace felt so firm
More like the grip of a wild animals teeth when clenched down on its prey
His dominance can be so lustful at times
But when I'm weak and he's angry I'm trapped in every woman's nightmare
In that moment I am unaware if the hollowness of my body or the death glare he gives frightens me the most
Either way it's safe to say he is the reason I feel dead inside

I like to think I'm an artist
My body is the canvas
And yes my paint brush scars me
But at least it makes me feel better

They say to finish what you started

Does the same go for the Suicidal?

I once read a quote that stated people accept the love they think they deserve

But what about the ones who don't accept love at all?

How sad it is to think you're little less than nothing

They are so thirsty for me
The men I mean
They're like vampires that have been forced to starve
You'll never know which is thirstiest for my blood

The soft ones will soon back down
They'll quickly realize how my eyes show no sign of joy
My heart does not contain love
And my mind is over taken by the thoughts of death and ***

The others with stay
For they don't care about how broken a girl is
They'll only ever worry about how perky my breast are and how lustful the sight of my *** is
Maybe even see the brokeness as an easier way to take advantage

My sanity is so far gone
That I'm in love with death

And what if the princess had no hope
Only doubts

I'm like a volcano
Soon I'm going to erupt
And destroy everything in my path

The days are dark and cold
So I light fires on my skin to keep warm
Yeah it hurts and leaves scars
But I can't find the light
There's a hooded claw that guards my door
Sometimes it tries to hurt me
But mostly it keeps me a prisoner
I don't fight it
Because it's a ruthless and vicious creature
It can't be stopped
It can't be tamed
It can't be killed
I call the hooded claw... *depression

I hate crying
And I hate feeling like I'm nothing

How sad
it is
to think
suicide
is an
option

I have an addiction
I cut and burn myself
It's not that I want attention
But for those of you who don't know this
The world is a huge tragedy
Filled with sadness and depression
And alot of times you won't feel loved
So you'll hurt yourself to feel something
Or maybe this is just an exaggeration

Don't call me beautiful
Before you notice how much I read
Or how often I drown empty pages with words
Or even how often I light up a joint

Don't call me beautiful
Before you learn all my faults
Or my insecurities
Or even my death yearning addictions

Don't call me beautiful
Before you get to really know me
Even if my past makes you think less of me
Because I hate being identified by my body

When I haven't held your hand
Kissed your lips
But still yearn to be held in your arms

When I haven't slept a night without dreaming of you
Woken in the morning without thinking of you
But go through the day ignoring the thought of you so I don't breakdown in front of my peers

When my heart aches
When I cry myself to sleep
But convince myself the thought of you is worth the pain of not having you

If they knew what she did behind closed doors
When the lights were off
And there were no sounds

If they knew what she did with the blades
When she is sad
And feels so alone

If they knew what she did with the fire
When she was in pain
And she wanted to hurt more

*Their minds would change

Is the exact time I held a blade against my neck for the first time
Honestly it felt so good
The thrill of it was invigorating

It's like for the first time I was in control
I had a choice
I was in power

*Now if only I got to choose if my heart was broken or not

Never in my life have I wanted someone to stay
But now I do
And he doesn't want too

I
Lost
Myself
Somewhere
In
The
Fire
The
Burning
Felt
Good

People have lied to me
Betrayed me
Hurt me
*But you took everything else

And then her eyes didn't shine anymore
They were blackened with anxiety
It hurt her to smile
She couldn't breathe
Her lungs filled with water
While she watched everyone live
And then she watched everyone be okay... While she suffered

When I was little I liked to catch  firefly's
I kept them in a glass jar just for the night
And then I'd let them go
Looking back at it now I think I made them suffer
Capturing them
Locking them away
Making them feel suffocated
I hurt them
It saddens me because I hurt too
So much that the pain becomes numb
And then it's like I don't hurt anymore
The difference is my pain is still there
I'm still locked away
The firefly's are the lucky ones
*They got back their freedom

You're strong. You're beautiful. You are enough.

no I'm not.

Let me hold you. Let me steal your tears. Let me heal you.

it's too late

**Sometimes you're too damaged to be saved. Sometimes love can't even heal you. Sometimes having a hand to hold isn't enough reason to live.

I feel like the more I tell him I want to be with him
then one day I'll open my eyes and he'll be there

Internally stuck between

I want to be numb so I can't feel anything
&
I want to be hurt so I can feel something