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 Jun 2018 Lara P
Emily Miller
My father walked me down the aisle,
But my mother held my arm.
He went with me,
But we went not towards the altar,
But towards the door.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And the ***** rang through the church,
Humming through the elaborate crown molding,
Carved by my ancestors.

He went,
Not beside me,
But before me,
And I watched,
As he was illuminated by the bright,
Overbearing,
Texas sun.

My father walked me down the aisle,
But I did not wear white.
My father walked me in silence,
And I shed tears not for a man standing at the altar,
But for the one I would never see again.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And no veil obscured my face.
All eyes were upon me, but not for my pristine beauty,
Instead for my clenched jaw and furrowed brow,
Severe and fierce to distract from my glassy eyes.

My father did not leave me at the end of our walk to sit beside my mother.
She clung to me for support and sobbed breathlessly,
Loudly,
Unavoidably,
And I carried her with one hand,
My sister the other,
And walked towards my future.
A future family,
Not one person more,
But one person less.
I walked,
One final time,
With him.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And I will never forget it.
Hundreds of eyes isolating my family from the crowd,
Slow and muffled sounds drowning in the deafening beat of my heart,
Blurred faces staring,
Black heels clacking against the cobbled path from the church,
The anguished wails of my mother,
The whimpering of my sister,
And the wooden box that glided before us,
Pulling,
A string tied to our patriarch,
The pin key of our family,
Pulled taut and then snipped with the slam of the hearse doors.

My father walked me down the aisle,
Before I had a chance to grow up.
He walked me,
Out of the church,
Away from the altar,
Never to be walked again.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Chaos
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Bring it up.
Speed it down.
Blood, blood is
All i want to see.

Lift the gun.
Feel the triger.
Scream, scream is
All i want to hear.

Climb the chair.
Ready the knot.
Misery, misery is
All i want to ****.

See the edge.
Forward to empty.
Sleep, sleep is
All I really fear.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
And so once again.
I become Me then realise it's not me.
I lose this feeling then lose Me.
And so once again I become I.
Divine Me, Divine All. Without any if it could be comprehensive at all.
So once again I become Me.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Ignorance is a Curse.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Ignorance is a Cancer.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Ignorance is the source of Death.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
I am the source of ignorance
i am the Source of ignorance
i am the source of Ignorance
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Neutralnost je neutralna. Nije mir ni kaos, već nijedno. Nije bog ni bez boga. Nije ni jedno. Nije ni sreća ni ljubav ni tuga ni mržnja, već ni jedno. Informacija i znanje, ignorantnost i podatak. Isto je. Postojiti ili ne. Isto je.
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
Koliko se puta moram uključiti u sustav i razoriti ga da bi dostigao neutralnost?

Jesam li ja sustav koji trebam razoriti?

Postoji li razlika između mene i svega oko mene?

Ako razorim sebe možda ću i svijet razoriti.

A onda se mogu ponovno roditi. Kao drugi sustav koji ima drugi zadatak. Jer moji je zadatak da razorim.

Mržnja, istinska mržnja dolazi iz ljubavi. Kao i potreba za osvetom. Možda mogu... i u ovom svijetu koji je lakše razoriti nego voliti..
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
hu,man
 Jun 2018 Lara P
Čortoloman
A: Don't you find it irritating?

Z: Hm?

A: Don't you find irritating the human need to feel happiness?

Z: Isn't that only natural? When you are happy you feel good. So
you will want to feel good when you aren't happy right?

A: But that's not natural. Being happy is just a state you can be at. It's not the state you were at before or after. Being neutral is a state you came from and will go to.

Z: So should I feel the need to be sad when I'm happy just as I have the need to fell happy when I'm sad?

A: No, that does nothing. You shouldn't feel anything at all. Or have a need to in the first place.

Z: That makes no sense. Life is what the living does. You can't live without a need to feel can you?

A: Well maybe being alive is not a natural state to be at as well! If it was you wouldn't die or be born.

Z: What do you mean?

A: Well maybe life and death are also just a state you can be at, but neither are the natural states...

Z: Ugh... Third state beside Life and Death?

A: Yeah!

Z: What would that be?

A: Well for that to work I guess there would have to be a third party involved, like a soul or something, then we could say that it's only your body that is alive or dead. Your soul is then just a presence that trough a medium called body is collecting experience.

Z: What about emotions?

A: Let's add another body in the picture! Call it „emotional body“. Emotional body is using a physical body as a medium to get experience from the world and then there is a soul that is using the emotional body as a medium so we get a perfect being!

Z: Isn't that a bit of a stretch?

A: Who knows.... But then we could say that there is finally a natural state to be at. It is called „Soul state“. In this state you resonate your three bodies (the physical, emotional and soul bodies). In this state you are not „Alive“ or „Dead“, you are not „Happy“ or „Sad“, you are just a presence.

Z: And how would you get to this state called „Soul state“??

A: Well you should ask yourself why do the other two bodies exist in the first place?

Z: Hm.. Well to experience things right?

A: Yeah..

Z: Ohhh! So the soul is a presence that trough the two bodies experiences things! So once it has experienced all there is to see and feel. It will finally enter the „Soul state“!!

A: exactly!

Z: But isn't there just soo much? We don't really have enough time to experience all there is...

A: well who said you live only once..

Z: Reincarnations?

A: Mhm.

Z: But why don't we remember things from our past lives?

A: Well it would be rather easier to experience everything if you think you have only so much time. That way you will use all of the time given to you to live at your fullest!
Story I came up with to connect the puzzle pieces together in a way that i feel comfortable with XD
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