You look at me for the first time
After I lose my memory of you
And I see a stranger
Giving me a lovely look
And I feel confused
By the way you look at me

I recap my memory with some assistance from you
You love me
I love you
Or that's what you tell me
But you're a stranger
This doesn't feel lovely
This feels lonely

Few weeks go by
Things are lovely
Sometimes
But when I collapse and I break
And I need you to help me back to shore
You're nowhere in sight
And I drown
And I'm lonely

I drown and just before I go under
I see you on the shore
Watching me
Observing me
And when I yell for your help
One last time
You yell back that you cant help me
From the shore
You're too far away to do anything

You don't jump in to try
You don't attempt to save me
You just allow me to drown
As you watch
So lonely

But when I can swim
All on my own
When I'm not drowning
You carry me around
You swim with me on your back
You hold my hand in the water
So lovely

I don't understand how you ended up on the shore
Right as I begin to drown
And I don't understand how you can no longer carry me
Right when I need it
Lo(n/v)ely

Bite my neck
So that I can forget
The way that he would caress it

Choke me
So that I can forget
The way that he would hold me

Abuse me
The way that he never would
When he would use me

Replace the memories
Of his burning love
And toxic touch

With yours
And yours alone

Take wvery time he was gentle
Amd double up on the opposite
As you bite and use me
The way he never did

Shoe me un-gentle
And unkind love
As you replace
Every unwanted touch

Everything in me is screaming
BEG
SCREAM
CLAW
DON'T LET GO

But this silence isn't just effecting my voice
Its effecting my soul

Everything in me is screaming
CRY
SCREAM
HIT
KICK
BREAK EVERYTHING
or god forbid just yourself

But this inability to move isn't just effecting my limbs
Its sunk deep into my bones

Everything in me is screaming
SURVIVE
FIGHT
LIVE

But nowhere to go isn't just words
Its the reality of my world

Everything in me whispering
Give me relief
Give me release
Set my mind free
From this body

Everything in me begging
Cut me
Burn me
Hurt me
Desolate me
Desicrate me
Break my bones
And leave me out in the cold

This life isn't mine
It never was
It doesn't belong to me
So set it free
And let it drift to someone else
In need
Who actually has a place to go
A future with a home

Another year
Containing more months
That I have to bare

Another year
Containing more days
Where I wont sleep

Another year
Containing more weeks
Filled with nothing but empty air

Another year
That everyone celebrates
At the beginning
But I shall not
For I never wished to be here

Another year
For people to use
Abuse
And break me

Another year
Alive knowing hes alive too
Not too far from me
Infact sometimes just a wall away

Another year
Living here with her
Knowing shes using me emotionally
But having to just smile and agree
To all the things she wants from me

Another year
I wish I didnt have to say

Another year
I wish it would just go away

Another year
Until it's over

You make me smile
When the world feels like
Its been ending
For such a long while

You make me laugh
When everything feels like
Its gonna crumble
And fall

You make me happy
When everything feels like
Its gonna push me
Way over the edge

You make me feel cared for
When everything feels like
Its out to get me
And keep me harmed

You make me feel wanted
When all I've ever felt before
Was used
And abused

You make me feel loved
When all I've ever known
Was hatred
And dispare

I love you
And all you've ever done
And do for me

You've got me trapped here
Like a caged animal
Frozen in fear

Every move u make
Every noise u create
Has me rigid and scared
Like an animal in a cage

You step in my direction
And I try to back away
You step in my direction
Briefly place a hand on me
And I feel like a hunted animal
Stuck in a trap
That's been placed around me

You are the hunter
And I am the prey
But you don't hunt me to devour
You hunt me to keep you company

I am a coyote that you've tried to turn into a dog
You fiddle and muddle me
To fit me into what you want me to be
You put a collar on a wild animal
To make me seem more tame

When I can no longer behave like I dog
And I lash and attack like the wild animal you trapped
You place me in a cage
And abuse me
Until I can once again become your dog

I always hated the days
That my ankles would betray
My functionality
But atleast I could bare the pain
And still walk away to escape
In a world of my own

And it wasnt so bad
Because I could
Push through the pain
And maybe even use it
To make the bad thoughts go away

But now its my brain
That has given up on me
And my legs will not let
Me stand on my own

And its the worst thing
I could imagine
Aside from HIM
Happening again

So when my legs collapse
Underneath the weight
Of my body

My mind also collapses
Under the weight
Of no escape

So would you
And could you
Blame me
If I lay here
And give up
If I lay here and die?

I dont wanna die
I just wanna know that I can
But I wont try

I'll take every word you speak
And I'll drown undearneath
What each word means

I'll cut til I bleed enough
That it's all I can see
And maybe get dizzy

I'll fantasize and research
Finding any possible way
That would for sure be permanent

I'll cut over top of veins
And relish the pain
As I think of him

I'll drown underneath a blanket
Of trauma
Broken dreams
And PTSD

I'll drown underneath every memory
Where someone
Hurt me

I am yours
Even though I have escaped

I am yours
Because you still control my life

I am yours
Because youre always there in my mind

I am yours
Because somehow you place yourself in the other people around me

I am yours
Because she still tells you all about me

I am yours
Because you still know where I am and could 'visit' me any time

I am yours
Because you still hold power over me

I AM NOT YOURS
Yet you still control every aspect of who I'm trying to be

Oh what I wouldn’t give
To just live
And be
Ordinary

Throwing stars
Marking up my hands
My arms

I lay on the ground
Staring at the stars
In the dark
Looking at where they should be
Instead of
Inside me

Throwing stars
Aimed at my body
Marking up
The will left inside of me

I lay on the floor
Staring at the stars
In the dark
Looking at where they've traveled to
Instead of
Where they do

Throwing stars
Leaving scars
Leaving me
Bleeding and marked
For if you miss
Your hands are the target
But you only did this to me
Only subjected me
To your torturous whims

Atleast now I know
How to throw a star
With unweilding accuracy
But what use does that do
When the only stars I wish to touch
Are of those up above
Unreachable
Far above me

I need a home
But there is no home
Within me
And there is no home
Out here

I'm left here wondering
Is there a home for me
Somewhere out there?

Not a person
But a place
For people are temporary
And homes shouldn't be

I don't want to make you my home
And then have to move out
Taking my things with me
And leaving yours

I don't want merely a house
Or a home for a bit
I need a permanent home
To rest within

Give me a home
To place my soul
Within
For my soul can no longer
Bare this emptiness
It resides in

Give me a home
With green plush grass
To lay my soul in
As it grows over and around it

Give me a home
With a long tall swing
To allow my soul to fly
To where it all begins

Give me a home
With a deep inviting forest
To let my soul wander
Get lost somewhere aside from in here

Give me a home
To lay myself in
While I dissapear from everything
Inside of me
And everything out here

When you look into my eyes
I beg for you to see
The pain that I hide within
But all you see in my eyes
Is your own reflection

When you hear my voice
I beg for you to hear
The strain and break deep in the back
Of my throat
But all you hear
Is your own guilt in disguise

When you take my hand
I beg for you to feel
When I squeez it for a distraction
But all you feel
Is the pain in your own hand


When you kissed me
I begged for you to taste
My very being rotting away
But all you tasted
Was the taste of your own thoughts

When you layed next to me
I begged for you to smell
The fear I feel as my body withers
But all you smelled
Was your own putrid scent

When I cry
I beg for you to notice
The suffering in my tears
But all you notice
Is your own fears

I beg to feel seen by your five senses
But your five senses
Aren't focused on me

Mom is what you're called
Or should be atleast
But I have you named as Parasite
In my contacts
Because you leech my emotions
Out of my body

We have a relationship
I dont hate
And dont admire
But you as a person
I despise
When it comes to me

"Can you zip up my dress?"
Where were you when I needed you
To do the same?

"Please stop leaving messes everywhere"
Its just a wrapper or two
And I do my best to keep things clean
For you

"Somones coming by but I need to leave. Can u talk to them for me?"
Wheres the acknowledgment of my disabilities?
The inability to be in the presence of whome I don't know

"Can u adjust my bra straps for me?"
Where were you when mine were removed
Unconsensually
By many
By one who you supposedly loved
Very obviously above your love for me

"People dont think you should still be living with me"
"My boyfriend doesn't approve of us moving together"
"You need to do more if you're gonna still live with me"
"I shouldn't have to be home so often"
Do you tell them about my disabilities?
Or do you dismiss them verbally as you do internally?

You have no regard to my health or my safety
Until it potentially means losing me for good

You have no regards to my health or my safety
Until I have to help you emotionally

Put your hands on me
For I only have substance
If I have a body

Put your hands on me
Ignoring every verbal
And silent plea

Put your hands on me
A girl barely formed
Underneath a monster

Put your hands on me
Fully grown
And fully used to the memory

Put your hands on me
As you force youself
Onto me

Put your hands on me
And cover my mouth
If I dare to speak

Put your hands on me
And silence me with threats
Of being taken away

Put your hands on me
Sexually
But if I dont listen
Physically

Put your hands on me
Forget your words of love
Forget the words of trust

Put your hands on me
Abandoning all morals
And all inhabition

Put your hands on me
And fill me with love
For only your touch
Makes me always sure
And always secure
But you want more than just mine

I see the blade smile up at me
And the feeling flood my brain
So I smile back
Letting the blood do my greetings

I dance to my music as I smile
Finally seeing the cuts I always wanted
As a kid
Finally deep enough

Ten your old me smiles up at my thoughts
Seeing as I completed her dream
To bleed enough
To stain my dreams

Let me erase every semblance
Of what could ever be regraded
As a face

Let me remove my *******
Leave nothing in the way
But a bare chest

Let me seal my hole shut
Sew it closed until nothing
But a flat surface
Is all that you can see

Take a blade
A flame
And mutilate any semblance
Of me

For if I no longer look
Appealing
No longer look
Human
Maybe they won't mutilate
My soul
Or the inside of me

You asked if I hate you and said that I should
The last time that you did
What you did

And I don't

I don't hate you
I hate myself

You make me hate myself
You reach deep down inside
Grab all my fears and insecurities
Shove them back down my throat
With all the force you can find deep within
Yourself

You claim to love me
Yet you abandon me in need
And claim I'm too overwhelming
You can't care for me
But oh
You love me

You dont make me hate you
You make me hate myself
You grab every single thing I fear
And you light it on fire infront of my face
As you force me to watch

You claim to love me
Yet you cheat on me when I'm incapacitated
And claim you have no memory
So you can't take accountability
But oh
You love me

You don't make me hate you
You make me hate myself
You grab every single thing I hate about myself
And hold up the magnifying glass to all of it
As you force me to comply

You claim to love me
But then you criticize me when I'm looking for a compliment
And claim you didn't understand what I need
You didn't understand that it was mean
But oh
You love me

No I dont hate you
I hate me.

But man am I ******* angry
At everything you do.

You see the smile I plaster on my face
But you don't see it falter
At the end of each day

You see me laugh as it lights up my eyes
But you don't notice
That it's really from crying

You notice the happy looks
And blushing you cause

But you don't notice the sad ones
And the frowns that come from
My own self imposed flaws

You see when I'm happy
And up and about

But you don't see when I'm sad
And can't even get up
To walk around

You see my talk about the things I love
Like my art
My poetry
And the walks in the dark

But you don't see the results that come from
These things that I do

You don't see the art
That shows the pain that I wish to display

You don't read the poems
That speak the words my heart wishes to say

And most of all
You're not there when all of my broken
Flows to the surface
As the dark masks all the flaws
As I think about all the wrong choices I've made

Buy hey,
I'm okay
So just focus on the smile
On my face

get out
Get out
GEt out
GET out
GET Out
GET OUt
GET OUT

I repeat it under my breath
And louder
And louder
In my head

But it doesnt matter
How many times
I repeat it
Or how loud
That I scream it

It wont do anything
When
YOU
KEEP
BRINGING
HIM HERE

Get away
From the house
Is all I can say
But it wont work
Because getting away
Is my job
And always will be

Your voice in my head
IT WONT LEAVE
Aslong as I hear
Your voice
Utter any words
In my vicinity

I cant get you
OUT
Because she keeps
BRINGING
YOU
BACK HERE

Please
Leave
LEave
LEAve
LEAVe
LEAVE
LEAVE!
LEAVE!!
LEAVE!!!

Or atleast
Let me
Die

I'm missing you
But I know I shouldn't

Im in love with you
But I know
I shouldn't be

But when I think about
When I met you
I can't help it

When I remember your smile
That made my heart warm up
I can't help it

When I remember your touch
That made my soul light up
I can't help it

I miss the you
That I met and knew
But something pulled you under
And you're no longer you

I can't reach the person I once knew
And that hurts me
Even though it shouldn't

I just wish I could find out
Why

I just wish i could find out
What happened

Because I'm missing the you
That I once knew
Even though I shouldn't

I also know you won't miss the me
That you were getting to know
And meet
So I shouldn't love
The thought of you with me

Take my disabilities
And extract them out of my body

Extract the very part of me
That people have an issue with
Extract the essence of me

Take the autism
And tear it apart
Rip it to shreds and burn it
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the CFS
And lay it down to rest
Tranquilize it and put it to sleep
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the FND
And turn off its functionality
Ruin its muscles so it loses its grasp
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the DID
And put the people inside of me
Out of their missery
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the POTS
And stop its heart
Neurtralize its beating
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

They
People
Them
Everyone
Except the rare few
But they're too far and in-between
To stop my suffering

"Why does your face look like that"
"Why are you so obsessed with that"
"Why do you talk so loud"
"Why are you so quiet"
"Why do you have so many stuffies"
"Why do you carry a stuffie around like a child"
"Why cant you go to busy places with me"
"Why cant you take a buss"
"Why cant you live alone"
"Why cant you work"
"Why do you have a wheelchair"
"Why cant u walk today"
"Why cant you make your own food"
"Why do u spend so much money"
"Why do you sleep so much"
"Why don't you respond sometimes"
"Why cant we hangout"
"Why are you always so tired"
Why cant you just be normal

Extract my disabilities from my body
And bury them into the core of earth
So that they'll never again be unearthed

People love you more
The more you hate yourself

You love the way I cry
When something inside me
Once again dies

You love the way
It gives all opportunity
To save me

You love the way I scar
After I cleanse myself
Deep inside

You love the way
That my memories of you
Will never fade from my body

You love the way it hurts
When you love me
Internally

You love that it means
I dont feel as if I was loved
By so many others

You love that im broken
You love the I'm damaged
You love that you can save me
You love the way I cling to every nice word
Action
And promise

But you hate the way
That I can learn
To love myself
Even when I hate
That I exist

I reach deep down to the memories within
This vast space
Where it's all stored

I reach deep within
But my fingers only graze them
I try to grasp onto one
With all my might
But it slips between my fingers
And disappears out of sight

Sometimes I manage to pick one up
But then it slips and falls
It rolls away and disappears into the depths
No longer stored with the rest

I have concluded to leave the space be
Stop trying to grab onto the memories
But I stare at where they're stored
And slowly watch them fade
And distort
Until they're no longer visible

It doesnt matter if I leave them
It doesn't matter if I grab them
It doesn't matter if I move them
It doesn't matter if I try to keep them safe
Or pay them no attention

It doesn't matter
Because regardless of my action
They disappear
They fade
They vanish
So now I relinquish my hold
And I sit folded up
And I stare

Knees to my chest
Head to my knees
Arms wrapped
And body trapped

I stare
I sit there for hours
And keep watch
And slowly
They fade

Sometimes they flicker
Sometimes they glow
And it fills the void
Makes me warm

Sometimes an empty slot
Will fizzle
And spark
And it fills the void
Makes me smile

But then it dies
And I die along with it
A little bit each time

When you inevitably leave
All that I ask
Is that you don't destroy
The home that we built
On your way out

There's too many destroyed homes
Within me already

When you inevitably leave
All that I ask
Is that you don't chip off
A piece of my heart
On your way out

There's too many chipped away spots
Already missing

When you inevitably leave
All that I ask
Is that you don't take
All of the air from my lungs
On your way out

There's too much oxygen already gone
There's not enough to replace it

When you inevitably leave
All that I ask
Is that you close the door gently
All that I ask
Is that you lock the door securely
All that I ask
Is that you move out of the home
Without taking the home with you

I ask
I beg
I plead
I whisper
I scream
I stare
I grasp
I claw
I caress

All in hopes that you hear me
And you see me
And you feel me
Without destroying me

I dont want him
To recognize me
To see any little bit of
The face that has come to be

So please
I know you dont want
Me to do such things
But please

Let me cut my face so that
Some semblance of it may be gone

Let me maybe drag the blade
Across my cheek
Or any other spot
So as to not be the same
When he sees me again

I know its wrong
But please
I cannot have him
Recognize me
And possibly once again
Say my name

So let me hide behind new hair
So that he may not recognize
The features
That make me
And so that you may not see
The damage I do to not be
Recognized by him

Age 5
Keeping it all to myself
Because I'm just a kid
I'm not old enough to know
Real pain

Age 8
Doing the same
As I hide away
Because I'm not old enough
To know real hardship

Age 9
Crying everyday
But I have nothing real
To cry over
As I'm too young to understand
Real issues

Age 10
Hiding the cuts and scrapes
Because I'm not old enough
To know how life really treats you

Age 12
Fading away
Locked up in a room
While I get told that I'm not old enough
For real issues

Age 13
No old enough to know
How bad ones body can really feel
Not old enough to really feel tired all the time
Not old enough

Age 16
Not old enough to know
The real struggles of an adult
Not old enough to know how hard money is to manage

Age 18
Its only been one year
Im not old enough to know
What its really like to be an adult
I'm not old enough to know true disability

Almost 20 now
Am I old enough yet?

You're inside of me
You hide in me
Drain the feelings from my body

So let me drain you
From within me
Stain the room
And my body red
With all
And any
Remnants of you

You're inside of me
You hide in me
Corrode everything inside of me
As you burn away
Any semblance of whats
Left over of me

So let me drain you
Out of my body
Cover myself in something
Other than your touch

GET OUT OF ME
I want to scream
But all I can do
Is lay here lifeless
As you consume
Every
Last
Little
Bit
Of me

The things I wish to say to you
Will not
And shall not
Ever come true

I know I cannot
And I know I should not
Speak to you ever again
Even though
I have things I wish to say to you

Hello
I wish to say
Hello to the smile that comes with all the pain
Hello to the care thats guided by a blade
Hello to the I love you wrapped in thorns
Hello to you taking the very part of me you own

*******
I wish to scream
******* for all those abandoned dreams
******* for everything you took from me
******* for telling me it never happened
******* for leaving me abandoned

I hate you
I wish to whisper
I hate you for all the friends I lost
I hate you for all the ruined relationships
I hate you for all the harm to my body
I hate you for all the life you stole out of me

I love you
I wish to never think again
I love you for the care you showed when she didn't
I love you for the love you gave even though it ruined me
I love you for the memories that I despise
I love you for showing me every way to be treated wrong

LEAVE ME ALONE
I wish to display anywhere visible
Leave me alone I wish to say using the blade
Leave me alone I wish to display with the lighter
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display with the holes in the wall
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display when I make myself unrecognizable

Everything I do is for you
Even though
All my actions
Are negative reactions
Caused by all you did
And continue to do

My head and my heart
Refuse to admit
That it was that bad

Even when I remember
I refuse it
With my whole being

Even when I remember
The way I gripped onto you
With every fiber of my being
As I begged you to take it all away

Even when I remember
The way I screamed
With every ounce of air in my lungs
When you became HIM right infront of me

Even when I remember
The way I stared at your face
With no faltering and no break
Just to remind myself that its you

Even when I remember
The way you held me down
With every muscle in your body
As I screamed and hit because he's in my head

My head and my heart
Refuse to admit
That it was that bad
Because then maybe I can forget
Outside of the rare moments
That I remember

I dont need it
Your touch
But I crave it
The way it makes my skin warm
The way it makes me sweat
The way it makes me shy away
From you
As you pull me ever closer
Against you
Onto you
As you pull me into you
And yourself into me

I dont need it
Your touch
Or atleast thats the way
I wish my mouth
Would say the words
But instead I whisper

"I need you"
"I crave you"
"I cant live without this"
"Touch me, please, I beg"
"Devour me with new memories
Fade the old ones"

I don't just want it
I need it
And if you cant provide
I cant provide you
With my love
Because the need comes from above

Above my mind
Above my own heart
Beyond and before

It comes from before
When the only love I knew
Was when he touched me
So the only love I craved
Was him defiling me
So now I crave to be defiled by you

Feeling deep in my chest
Like I'm forgetting something
Or somebody
Important to me
Or what used to be

Feeling deep within
Like I'm empty
Where something important
Once stood
And whispered to me

Feelings
Fading
Along with memories
I held dear
And ones I have longed
To forget for awhile

I know you're missing
I know you're lost
But where the emptiness is
I cant seem to reach
To pull you back up
To the surface
Of being important to me

You've faded into
Nothing more
Than a lost memory

I wanna write a poem about you
But everytime that I try to
My mind trails off
And turns the lines
Into sentences
And paragraphs

I wanna write a poem about you
But everytime I try to
I have too much to say
And too much to write

I wanna write a poem about you
But everytime I try to
I think of all the reasons
I love you

Then my mind spirals
And wanders
Until I'm left with paragraphs
And lines with no flow
That spiral out of control

I lay awake because of you
Thinking of all the things i want to do

I want to sleep
I want to be able to be free
And leave my house
Without the thought
That you might be there
Lingering
As I stare
Frozen and incapable
Of repair

Its sad to be
In my thoughts
With me

But if you wish to delve
And take a dive
Inside of my mind
Then look below
At the words hollowed out
From within

I wish to be
Debilitated
But not dead
So that finally
Someone would just take care of me

Just for a little while
Until I was better
And maybe I'd once again
Gain my smile

I wish to be
Under the water
In an endless sea
With the only thing in sight
Endless blue
And faint bits of light

Just for a little while
Until I was calm
And maybe I'd once again
Find peace in your arms

I wish to be
Someone you see
As not broken
Or damaged
But yours
And just yours alone

Just for a little while
Until I felt okay to go
And maybe once again
I'd break anothers soul

I wish to be
Somebody else
With a good life
A big house
And maybe lots of friends

Just for a little while
Until I knew a normal thought
And maybe once again
Feel the innocence of freedom

I wish
To finally
Feel safe

I wish
To finally
Be at peace

I wish
To finally
Fulfill my dreams

I wish
To finally
After all is said and done
Be
Gone

I'll make you feel seen
So that you fall in love with me
The way I
Fell in love with you

I'll give you what you want
Even if that means
Tearing apart every single
Thing I need

I require love
I require touch
I collapse when alone

My lungs collapse
And I cant breath

My thoughts collapse
And I can't see

My heart collapses
And I cant do anything
But crave the need
To be in your arms
Or anyones

I cling
And I break myself
For you

They all take advantage
Of my need
For another

They take the blade
That I hold
And they drive it deep
With every lost action
Every cold word
Every false promise
Every "I love you" filled with air

They take my love
And leave it
Completely in
Misrepair

I live in a place
Where being alright
And being okay
Can't be reality
Unless I step outside of my head
Out of the body
That lays in my bed
And float onto a cloud
Of false dreams
False promises
And false hope

I grew up inside choas
Abuse
And trauma

Every turn I take
And every turn I took
Led to a door with a demon behind
Waiting and ready to taint my mind
My body
My soul
Until reality
No longer seemed
To hold much importance

If you know me
And you understand my reality
You'll understand why
Eventually within my mind
I'll run out of time

You look at me
So tell me
What do you see?
Because I can guarantee
You don't see
ME

You don't see the dried tears
That once fell
Where rosy cheeks
Now sit

You don't see the drowned out smiles
From all the frowns
Where true smiles
Once hovered

You don't see the memories I keep
You only peek at what I say
As I wish to keep the darkest stuff
At bay

You don't hear the thoughts that whisper to me
In the silence
Of the darkest nights

You don't hear what I tell myself
When I look in the mirror
As I wish to keep those thoughts
To my own mind

You don't know the ****** up things
I've whispered
And heard
And wanted

You don't know what my soul whispers
As I laugh
At the sweet trickle of soothing
Red

You don't know the darkest corners
The most messed up parts
Of me

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day

Speak no words
Just share silent stares

Speak no words
But share small kisses
That do all the talking
For us

Speak no words
But listen to the words spoken
In all your favorite songs
As we talk about nothing

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day
For I just love the way you smile
My way

The urge to scream the words
I LOVE YOU
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream the words
DONT LEAVE ME
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream
WHY DO YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHEN IT MEANS GETTING ATTENTION
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream at you
All the things I want to say
Abandon whats right
Abandon whats wrong
Abandon everything except
The words within

I want to keep you
But I want to be kept in a state of happy
And you don't do that

I want to keep you
But you only wanna keep me
When it means my affection

If I'm exhausted
If I'm tired
If I'm depressed
If I'm sad
If I'm anything that requires
That I get without giving
Even for a moment
You dissappear from me
Or you treat me
Like a stray cat
That you abandoned
Because it no longer suited you

But the urge to keep you
Makes me ignore this
Over
And over
And over
AGAIN
Because I love you
But I dont think you love me
You just loved my codependency

Your eyes are brown
The colour of the foundation
of earth
When I look into them
I feel stable and secure

Your hair reminds me of the crows
That scrounge and land
Always searching for something more
Always longing for something
Thats missing

You're tall like rose bushes
Or newly planted trees
Pricking people who get too close
But also liking the touch of tender hands
Tending to the things you need to stay
At peace

The sound of your voice
Reminds me of summer rain
It's a soothing sound
And warms you deep within
With the soft trickle of gentle words

You mesmorize me
Like the purple of the sky
After a setting sun

You remind me
Of the summer when you pull people in
With the promise of fun and adventures
But when you get drained
From everyone
You become the winter night
Casting all people back home
Leaving you on your own

You walk
And you walk
Hopefully
You never walk
Too far

Look at me
And see
How broken I've come to be
And **** with with me

Look at me
And see
The scars that litter my body
And **** with me

Look at me
And see
The horrible thoughts I hide away
And **** with me

This isn't what I want
But it's what people do
So if I play along
And let you use me
And abuse me
You're not playing me
But I'm playing you

So **** with me
And lets see
Who wins
This mental war

If a circle had corners
Would the world
Make sense?

If the ocean was filled with sand
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could watch a wall
Warp and crumble
From just one touch
Would the world
Make sense?

If food made us hungry
Not full
Would the world
Make sense?

If being awake was a dream
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could be with you
And you with me
And live in safety
Would my world make sense?

Tonight I breath with you
Same air
Different area
Tonight I breath with you
And feel the love
I once knew

However I know
That tomorrow
That air will once again become seperate
Like we're strangers
That never breathed in each other's
Secret whispers

Tonight I breath with you
And remember
When my heart beat
And my body
And my breaths
All aligned with you

Until tomorrow
When its like
I never molded into your arms
And folded into your heart
Wriggled and writhed
Until I fit

Tonight I breath with you
And I take every breath
Carefully
Engraving every bit of oxygen
That carries a piece of you

Until tomorrow
A day anew
No scent of you

Why is my body the only thing
That I care about when I'm
SAD

The only thing I wish to
Desecrate
When everything is
BAD

When all I can think about
Is the blood
Covering my hands
I see it on my body
Dripping down
Then hiding it behind
This hoodie
Or those pants

When all I can think about
Is white flesh
Burning
Peeling off
My body is whats underneath it all

But my body is also what takes the fall
When my brain flips
That switch
And wants to be desecrated
By anothers lips

I curl up under this desire
To be underneath you
Consumed by your lust

My body takes the fall
When my brain flips that switch
Turn the pain
The misery
To longing
And wanting

Longing
For your gentle kisses all over
Soothing the fire
And desire

Longing
For your hands grazing me
Soothing the crying
And dying

Longing for your soul merging and mingling
Soothing the rotting
And decaying

Longing for your body inside of mine
Soothing the bleeding
And breaking

Wanting
And clawing
And begging
For your hands around my throat
Obeying your every command

Wanting
And clawing
And begging
To be under your control
Hands tied
Cuffed
Secured

Wanting
And clawing
And begging
To be desecrated
By your desires
And your words

Drag the blade over my body
As I bleed for you
And not for me

Burn the candle brighter and hotter
As my skin warms and burns
For you
Not for me

Say degrading words
That you don't mean
Not from my head
But from your voice
Sinking deep within

When the desire flips
From desecrating myself
To you turning mine into yours
Body no longer belonging to me