The urge to scream the words
I LOVE YOU
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream the words
DONT LEAVE ME
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream
WHY DO YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHEN IT MEANS GETTING ATTENTION
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream at you
All the things I want to say
Abandon whats right
Abandon whats wrong
Abandon everything except
The words within

I want to keep you
But I want to be kept in a state of happy
And you don't do that

I want to keep you
But you only wanna keep me
When it means my affection

If I'm exhausted
If I'm tired
If I'm depressed
If I'm sad
If I'm anything that requires
That I get without giving
Even for a moment
You dissappear from me
Or you treat me
Like a stray cat
That you abandoned
Because it no longer suited you

But the urge to keep you
Makes me ignore this
Over
And over
And over
AGAIN
Because I love you
But I dont think you love me
You just loved my codependency

I like who you are over text
With me
But I'd like to leave
Out the rest

The person over text
Is never the person
Infront of me
Atleast not verbally
As that's really
The only comparison
There is
When all you are is an existance in my head
And over text

I like who you are over text
With me
But I'd like to leave
Out the rest

You're different
When you're physically
Here
Sharing a space with me
But maybe not

Maybe it's me
Maybe I'm uncomfortable
With the physicality
Because the only physicality I want
Is him with me

You look at me
So tell me
What do you see?
Because I can guarantee
You don't see
ME

You don't see the dried tears
That once fell
Where rosy cheeks
Now sit

You don't see the drowned out smiles
From all the frowns
Where true smiles
Once hovered

You don't see the memories I keep
You only peek at what I say
As I wish to keep the darkest stuff
At bay

You don't hear the thoughts that whisper to me
In the silence
Of the darkest nights

You don't hear what I tell myself
When I look in the mirror
As I wish to keep those thoughts
To my own mind

You don't know the ****** up things
I've whispered
And heard
And wanted

You don't know what my soul whispers
As I laugh
At the sweet trickle of soothing
Red

You don't know the darkest corners
The most messed up parts
Of me

Its sad to be
In my thoughts
With me

But if you wish to delve
And take a dive
Inside of my mind
Then look below
At the words hollowed out
From within

I wish to be
Debilitated
But not dead
So that finally
Someone would just take care of me

Just for a little while
Until I was better
And maybe I'd once again
Gain my smile

I wish to be
Under the water
In an endless sea
With the only thing in sight
Endless blue
And faint bits of light

Just for a little while
Until I was calm
And maybe I'd once again
Find peace in your arms

I wish to be
Someone you see
As not broken
Or damaged
But yours
And just yours alone

Just for a little while
Until I felt okay to go
And maybe once again
I'd break anothers soul

I wish to be
Somebody else
With a good life
A big house
And maybe lots of friends

Just for a little while
Until I knew a normal thought
And maybe once again
Feel the innocence of freedom

I wish
To finally
Feel safe

I wish
To finally
Be at peace

I wish
To finally
Fulfill my dreams

I wish
To finally
After all is said and done
Be
Gone

Your eyes are brown
The colour of the foundation
of earth
When I look into them
I feel stable and secure

Your hair reminds me of the crows
That scrounge and land
Always searching for something more
Always longing for something
Thats missing

You're tall like rose bushes
Or newly planted trees
Pricking people who get too close
But also liking the touch of tender hands
Tending to the things you need to stay
At peace

The sound of your voice
Reminds me of summer rain
It's a soothing sound
And warms you deep within
With the soft trickle of gentle words

You mesmorize me
Like the purple of the sky
After a setting sun

You remind me
Of the summer when you pull people in
With the promise of fun and adventures
But when you get drained
From everyone
You become the winter night
Casting all people back home
Leaving you on your own

You walk
And you walk
Hopefully
You never walk
Too far

Why eat
When it will just rot
Inside of me
Feed the maggots already feeding
On all of the rotten feelings

I want to break my hand
That already may be broke
So maybe just break it further
Break it until all thats left
Is an appendage hanging limp
Is that a hand?
I can't tell
My brain demands

I want to
Claw
Beg
Scream
Bite
Drag you back here
Into this dark place
With me
So that you can brighten it
Back up
Being me back into reality
But I fear I'd steal all the light
You have to give
And leave you
In darkness

I want to lay in the grass
In the middle of a forest
And never move
While I slowly
Rot
Decay
And become soil
For the earth
Until I'm nothing
But a pile of bones
And then maybe I could get up again
Start up my life again
Without all of these feelings
O
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            I
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   I
D
E
O
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My body

I want to paint my room red
With every feeling
That wishes to spill out of me
Let them free
Let them seep
Into everything around me
I want to paint my room red
With this metaphoricality

Look at me
And see
How broken I've come to be
And **** with with me

Look at me
And see
The scars that litter my body
And **** with me

Look at me
And see
The horrible thoughts I hide away
And **** with me

This isn't what I want
But it's what people do
So if I play along
And let you use me
And abuse me
You're not playing me
But I'm playing you

So **** with me
And lets see
Who wins
This mental war

If a circle had corners
Would the world
Make sense?

If the ocean was filled with sand
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could watch a wall
Warp and crumble
From just one touch
Would the world
Make sense?

If food made us hungry
Not full
Would the world
Make sense?

If being awake was a dream
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could be with you
And you with me
And live in safety
Would my world make sense?