If content is king,
clarity is queen.
Are you brave enough
to rule the world?

He is mad.
Ridiculous and so unlovable.
A posing knight
who can no longer
show brilliance of sincere feathers.
The empty drums he plays
rattle hollow and out of cue.
What do you do
with lost boys?

I remember
walking drunk
like a robot in the dark
smelling like  a mix of sweat and whiskey
he stuck his hands inside of me
and wouldn't let go
and I cried
and screamed .

But my friend had left
and the world felt so dark
and it smelled like darkness,
its scenes in my mind
that I wish,
that I could erase,
all I could hear in my mind
are his words his smell
his body
a few moments of release
have mired in my mind
so much trauma
what I would give to erase my past
my moments of tortured silence
what's more is I hate the woman
who left me there
I hate her with a pain so deep
it feels like venom in my soul
similar to how my mother used to abuse me as a child
I wish my poetry
wouldn't sound good
when I write
I wish it could show you
how much I longed to slit my wrists
from the time I was a child
form the pain
that felt embedded in my soul
although life is much better now
I still sometimes meet men
who think that my body belongs to them
and each time the slightest touch
or stare or word
I feel so violated
I feel like I'd rather
be dead
than live another day as a woman
my whole life I have never wanted to be one
because of the violence
I have experienced
nevertheless I am working on accepting my body
my gender that I was born with
and working on healing my wounds
of violence that still feel so deep inside of me
I am choosing to treat myself  with so much love
may it out weight
the violence that I have experienced
and that all of the women before me have experienced
maybe instead of saying allow people to transition
we ask them why has the world become such a violent place
towards us women
that we don't wanna be women anymore
I know its a question I have  asked  myself
so often
and I still do

I remember my beautiful friend
with your beautiufl hair
and dimples
your curls
we used to talk about life
about spirituality
i was always jealous of your life
not because I ever wished anything bad on you
but becase it seemed as if from the outside
that you had a loving cool family
that had more money than mine
I felt belonging
that I didn't feel at home
we would meet up randomly
I never realized how littel you actually cared
because I was used to breadcrumbs...
so after you got married
your husband used to stare at me
and it made me feel so uncomftarble
I would stare back
than you wouldn't talk to me
ever again,
it felt like my heart broke so deep inside
its been 6 years
I see on instagram
and I wonder what it would be like,
if we still talked.
Why let a shtty man ruin our friendship of so many years.

Like a mouse in a maze that has no openings
I scurry around this way and that.
Only bumping into walls and dead ends.
I run til I’m completely exhausted
But I never come across an exit
And just to make it so much worse
I also never find a crumb of cheese.
            ljm

I tried for days
To write a poem
That captures all
The joys that
We have known
And all the problems
We have solved.

I  made a list
Of all the times
Our tie was
Stretched near breaking,
And I marveled
At the unseen strength
That pulled us
Back together.

The years have not
Been kind to me
But you have been
Forbearing -
Always there
To lift me up
And keep us
Moving forward.

So as we start
Another year
We’ll face it all
Together.
In a bond unshakeable
That binds our love
Forever.
ljm