Slices of open wounds
But we know we have to dance against
Tingling whispering sensation
Clean damp hands bow, and twirl
Feathers of lemon lipstick marks
As we close the closet of our past.

Kitchen sink, naked windows
Stare lovingly at me, as I try to release into
Happiness, panting joy, but my deep dark head
Would rather photograph daises
Unearthed with the ring finger of my hand.

If my dress were to slip, rip
Lick the insides of your skin
Could we always be faithful to each other then?
You long for my finger tips--in, in, in
In the ripples of your chest hair
Pig tails and knee high socks
I've been a very, very bad girl.

Hear your voice sound and ring
I play games with one blink
15 days.

Blow up mattress and dishes not my own,
I clean and wipe ants off of my glowing screen
"Always so poetic my love."
If I could chisel a 3D painting for you
Of all the words I feel for you, for the hope
I would do it with the strongest of brushes.

I missed a stair in the staircase
Twisting, walking on marijuana leaf sensations
We eat more sushi than the soy sauce
Was prepared for.

A blur and flashing of bright city lights
I hold my swan neck high, as cries from the past
Like fairy nymphs dance alongside me
I remember once was, what is,
What could be.

Its dangerous to have such rainbow colored hair
A few members of society murmur and chant
But I google and click yahoo
Pondering and replaying
The first time we met.

A lemon monologue
Your vocal quality and grounding so raw
So strong, you could leap into altitudes
I would have to use my paint brush
To keep up with.

A camera in my hands,
I stand on set
I need to make art again
But headshots cost that sweet 50 dollars
As I staple myself into an oblivion
Just bury me in innovation.

You wanna be so true
A month to go,
You change, change your mind—
Don’t want me getting warts on my hands
From all the toads
I thought I needed to know.

Be the one to open my eyes?

I should write and type
A hundred million ******* times
Remember how we fled to the
New York City bathroom
Only to pretend we would
Never really love--
Each other again.

Research, research
I pitch and I pitch
Lets talk about ***.
Lets film and celebrate our *****
A flurry of images
A faux fur coat, how he or he meant the most
It all ended so fast, so soon.
But he's a Leo--he ain't never gonna say
A **** thing back.
Too proud.

A bull in a china shop,
You loved it best
When my favorite glass would shatter
All around us like pixie dust
Or ******* on my fragrant
***--you wanna do everything you can
To forget and quit.

I wish I hadn't bothered to utter a sound
As swarms of love echo around me
"Do not talk to him again."
I don't know what I hoped for.

Sunshine boy wants to give me his all
As I hear murmurs of fields that have been played
I dribble and bounce the ball back
Errybody got somethin' to say
I'm so tired, so tired all the time
Give me that money
Just wanna ink my limbs
Make everything into an artistic palette of sensuality.


Strawberry smoothie,
Stomach always feels so empty
Run, go running, run run
I've run and discovered so much
I wonder if they wonder
Weep a little bit--for the loss
Of me?

Don't lose me.
I don't want to lose you either.
I'm sorry I was selfish today.
Its true--I see eggs from my old fridge
Shattering around me
As my friends can't help but look on and be tickled
But maybe
Everything around me
Maybe I
Don't have to be broken.

Tonight I set a piece of my hair
On fire
I guess I thought I was above
Being licked by a flame
But as the old and the new
Jested, tumbled, and leap frogged
Over my name
I shake my head thinking back
With sour disdain.

7 dollar beer and we all cheers
I hit the table with the bottom
Of my drink or shot now
Because Chicago ain't nothing
Like the ***** south
Or filthy philadelphia.

I've had my hands above my head
Looking for a sun king
24 years of kissing toad after toad
After toad
Multi colored mane
A flame licked the hair in my face
It's so painful to hear no.

Wet dramatic eyes
Betrayers gotta throw some daggers out, can't stand to see me be so happy
On my own.

I wonder how you really get by
Telling and feeding yourself lies
As your phrase "2017" threatens
To stifle, *****, strangle
What once was.

But what once was has been defeated
A suit of armor on my front and back
I jingle and jangle with every heavy step, lest I forget
How many men have slept
And I chose to forgive and forget
But I go my own way now.

sleep longs to take me into it's arms
As I hear and see the joyful sun
With rays of the same fire
That made me question my beauty
As pixilated stemming hairs
Brimmed and mocked
But he gave me Boy Scout socks
To wear in the summer, fall, winter?
But they don't threaten to leave, deceive, or make me feel
Less than the beaming bird I am.

"It sounds like you've kept busy"
"I love how deep and complex you are"
"You are so dramatic"
"You are a beautiful, amazing swan"

Always ooze moon light
And those who are meant to, will carry a bucket to capture some of your radiance
So that it can be treasured and remembered,
Siempre.

Sparkling, whimsical sensation
A ray and dream but don't be fleeting, as a side step, back flip
If I could secure your heart,
If you could secure my heart,
We would patty cake, as our friends
Whispered and necked against the summer nights sky, "too in love, too in love, too too soon."

But you, we, me, we rest our weary heads
Different time zones but you lift me
Into the sky in a way I've never known
Perhaps our love is a foreign currency
Everyone hates to love.

Never meant to, never meant to--
Confuse you, me, please
I could bake myself in every southern pie
If I thought it would keep
Us miles away, alive.

Swimming in the ocean
Mighty fangs out, I devour
****** carcasses like
My cotton candy hair, you
Would rub the tips of your--
Dancing fingers within.

"Just don't break his heart."
Maybe we are always dancing
Dancing through the Congo line of life, but with my gavel and wisdom
I justify far more than I need to.

Jade Marie, you want a biblical child
I'll often have closed eye moments
My body aching and so warm for you, just to linger and drip
For your sensual skin
In between my hungry thighs.

I hope that you--
I hope that we--
I hope that I--
We swallow
Hopeful new love
Neither of us
Have ever known.

Fleeting glances you never saw
Run and skimper, right past your
Eyegazingballs.
White whistling lace
Flashes of what you create
But you grow like a vine in the earth
Your stem slanted in the wrong direction.

I've written probably over
A hundred and two, not just who
I almost added an ironic sad song
To a party play list, but we all know
We gurgle and swallow dark red
And whiskey wine.

Sweet glowing rays of your sunshine
Sun King, Moon Queen
Meet and repeat
But Moon Queen's gauntlet
Was turned upside down for her
By the hands of fathers and all the men
Rising before and after her.

But podcasts and topical internet articles
We swim and breathe into the aquarium
Of history books burning under our same
Ashy woven floors.

Little, tumbling away with secret laughter
You wanna love me so good, so well
You wanna give me a flame of happiness
Like the one that nearly lit up my elfin skull
As iron lungs huff and puff
"**** heals"
I love to jest the best
In the company of man.

Television series, so important
1,000 dollars we can afford?
At the mercy of my father
We women, place our plumes into our hats
Buckle our shoes, belt our trousers
If I were a man,
I would have been the best ******* man.

But as a breathing carcass filled swan
We, I sweep over the mountains and hungry oceans
Why wait?
???????????
No?

We fill every glimmer of skin
With the pixie dust of newness.

Sweaty tank top, got that Chicago running fume
I can see him and his kissing lips
Read his poetry, he writes all this poetry
Right next to my side.

Let Freedom Ring!!
I want to exclaim and celebrate
Confetti all around us.
I remember when you came back to the bar
After I so iconically stated:
"I can't live my life worrying about the cops."
****.
I'm so in love with you.

"I love your poem...and you"
I run through Avondale, but men are casing our apartment
Gotta hide camera equipment
In my tomb of clothes
But I put myself in the room, put myself in the room
Can't wait
Manilla envelopes, the size of my head
Mr. Mailman make sure my career
So safely make me stand out.

Coffee and a windy city day
I wish you could have stayed
But I can see you, with your strong legs
Tapping and leaping
Into the air, like you were meant to do
My eloquent and boyish cardinal.

A flurry of "Don't forget me's"
We FaceTime at the approximate o'clock
You know I'm gonna have my dinner bought for me
Kisses to spare
But you leap in the air
While I set fires
On the highest, looming stairs.

I don't think I'll share this one with you
But 43 days--count em' down
I contemplate and pontificate
I just got here.
So I just go here.
You wont, and don't
Be a coward like the rest--
Find me among the flames.

White left over production nails
Dancer boy said Lemon so many times
He fell for me so fast, everyone
Lays their head on the bar
To agree or disagree
You gotta leave me,
Tomorrow.

And I’m so use to being left
Protecting my heart & my head
Shedding vulnerable tears in your arms
You speak with such grounding sensual
Freedom, you believe—you believe
But I just can’t have
Anymore ghosts, haunting me.

Make love to me.
Make love to me like I’m not number
34 or 35
But we both move our game board—
Pieces across the table—as you
Look at me.
So sweet & you say
“I think you are too brilliant for your own good.”

I get wet just thinking
Of the wise witty things
Your perfect dancing mouth
Utters.
But I challenge, twist, run
With my shields surrounding me—
Lets let go, you didn’t know this morning—
If you could give yourself—
To me.
Its not just ***
Its not just ***
Its not just ***
Look & hunt & find
Me when you return—
Even if I’m with the wrong man
But I know you will always understand.
But if you wanted to ink
My name in cursive
Where it would perfectly
Lie among your muscular
And valiant hips
I could cover you in whip cream—
Make you forget every woman
You ever knew before me.

“He can write poetry with you.”
A best friend of mine said.

Lemons are multipurpose.
Sweet little Cardinal, devour me.
   Please.

Lemon drop shots
That baseball cap
Front, backwards
Missing planes, drinking—
You love how strange
Me & my seaweed mane,
But we are the untamed.

City livin’ free
A flurry of cart wheels
And flowing movement
We twirl our water & fire
Ribbons, your kisses, baby
In different opposing directions.

“We’re opponents”
You so smartly state
I could listen to that
Raspy, Midwest sweet speak
Until my gloves & stockings
We’re completely
Removed.

Protect my heart—
I’ve been here before
But you’ve got faith
As you bend me over
Bar stools, dancing
In a local dive bar
We’ve got audiences
On the edge of their seats

Be so kind,
Repeat
Let’s leap—running
Through city streets
You’ve got a kind boy
Swagger
I could rewind
All my nickels and dimes,
My fair dancer
Opponent.

Who knew duels could be so sensual?

Swinging, climbing to & from--
Green ripe lemon leaves
Yell my name outside my window
I’ll be the Stella to your
Stanley Kowalski,
Though Blanche DuBois breathes in and out of me
But that’s much too dark & deep.

Lets keep it little!
Light, like lighting imaginary
Candles all around us
As I try to let go of--
Fear, negativity, anxiety
You can pick me up
Lift me into the sky—

A child shrieks & cries
To the left of me
But I drone out the tears
Why try to predict—
Heartbreak.

“You two looked like you were falling in love.”
I write & ink in blue
Blue stained mouths, intense
Kisses until sunrise
Stealth, muscularity, biting
Sensation.

“You are so ****.”
You say & say.

Faithfulness?
Who’s ready?
Universe puppeteers us
But lets read poems late
Into the night
After spilling
Half of the red
Wine—free of
Judgment.

Florida.
My phone almost dies
A multitude of times
Everyday.
But you are like the energizer bunny
You whisper next to me
But wrestle me,
I’ve never had a man
Slap my ***
With more grace.

Why lie or hoodwink
Text me your brotherly slang
As you reach—do a pirouette
Into the lemon lingo tree
Why analyze—write or report
A script when sometimes
Hands free is always better.

Lets not lament.
I don’t know that—
I can play that game anymore
But you gaze at me—for longer
Than I realize, hoping
Something good will stay.

Lemons can brighten & heal skin.

My heart is so full
I don't know if its the caffeine
Or **** singing upbeat blues
Of Chicago tickling and embracing my name
But I dip and taste the chocolate
Whiskey of moment to moment.

Teddy bear tv reflects chipped yellow nails
Kissing moments and told to move in public
Who knew cafes excited where we could play video games
Ink our whole bodies to look like the emoticons
We pour whiskey and sun chapped backs to
But he and he and he and we
And mama just really hopes
I'll marry a rich athletic man:
"The lord is watching over you."

But The Women of The Now & I
We wash our expected pitch perfect skin
Why pretend anymore?

Maybe I'll write you a poem
Garnish your drink with me
Legs kicking up West Avondale ground
Throw me some dollar bills, as gazes are held
For perhaps too long--
Longer fingertips would rather
Gesture and caress
Camera equipment, opportunity
But I look around me

"Did You Say Cupcakes?"
A painting says to my right
I could box step
Waltz into this light
Why not radiate as the moon bats its eyes?

Hung over eyes
Said betrayer's name several times
Moments in the bathroom
The new girl.

I jest and dance into the night
Last day this time last week
I have to grow to be patient with
Me.

Don't ask for a date, or instigate
Everyone swaps saliva but hands behind backs
I create my own path.

I wasn't joking when I said my whole life was about to change.

Red deep wine, skull bares it all
Tears streaming down my face
Iphone 5s embodies how hard it is to go
Sleeping on the floor, leave before ready
But life, it sweeps you up
It tells you when it is time to fly.

A vanity full of beautiful make up
Artistry in it all
Caitlyn Jenner is a free woman
But it breaks my heart, 77% money
Dollar bills and the power struggle
Men want to be women
Women want to be men
But if a woman became a man
On the cover of Time or Vanity
Would the human race pillage the town?

Sweating at a new gym
Tattoos sing and introduce me to the new town
The boys, the newness
Lets share everything
I can be whoever I want to be.

Positivity and innovation
My mood dangles from tree branches
In the Windy City
What its like to have freedom from needing a lover
My room mate and I eat whiskey icecream.

Haven't let myself feel too much
Since a big jet plane swept me away
Papa, I gotta run to Second City
My life demands I take off
But we squeeze hands
As my lady loves in Philadelphia, send love
Lest we forget.

Can't get much harder than this
The new girl, new town, transition once again
A single song can bring it all back
I watched him walk out of the door
I said goodbye to in such a hurry
I wondered these past 3 days if I was a dry well
But as my fingers do the talking through writing
I feel everything once again.

5 years spent building a powerful, beautiful life
But I looked around knowing I could not stay
Flourishing, growing, transforming
My beak, my feathers, my wings
Never had they been so white.

There was a time
When my life revolved around one man
But we women, we see men wanting to be women
We see women wanting to be men
As I gaze at bathroom doors marked "W" & "M"
Why must we categorize?

Raised to look at a woman's body with nothing but lust
Lets not forget brains.

Eyes running from cutting onions
I cook and I investigate the new neighborhood
So happy to be here.
So glad to begin again.
Momentum so full so strong
Never had I felt more surrounded by artistry
Where I could rock climb and descend up
Down.

So many moments, memories
Faces kissed and left
Friendships that will stand next to me always
Trust that tattoos, green hair
Fresh fruit.
I want to always be fresh fruit.
Why settle for anything but fresh fruit?

Empty apartment
Nothing but the floor and a feeling
In the bones
I go at this alone.

A painting with such significance
Weeping into a lovers arms
How could I leave my army of women
But I don't leave anyone behind
I don't leave the love
I set and make fires
For everyone to dance in.

Words spoken full of meaning
Influence, changing, openness
I am finally being exactly who I want to be.

"I want to just travel for work and trust that love will find me along the way."
My mother and father would say,
"You better hope you marry a rich husband someday."
"I'm gonna be the rich one!"
I would retort in a shrill giddy voice

Coins, gold, medallions, fur
Dripping and oozing like an octopus
Caught in a storm of seaweed
I'll be so wealthy
With my army of loves
My army and daggers full
Of nothing but artistry and change.

Flapping hands to indicate
Time, time flew so fast
As odd phrases and moments
I wanna take a vintage camera frame
Around like a lollipop
A ****** would have licked dry.

Sage the place
Sage the body, luggage
The place again
Take down the remembrance
This is just the beginning.

Green envy flame, Titania reigns
Sweat/glisten, some men can't listen
Make up less face, love me the same way
Hard to leave this place
But new beginnings written
All over my eager face.

Extension of yourself,
My spirit--soul reaching, like inked limbs
Of tomorrow, crescent moon
Consumed in the artistry of every moment
Like my picture 142 times
Gotta wear overalls, crop top
Reach for the back audience members

Everyone is losing a nickel and dime
All the time.

Padding and sheets on the floor
"Talk about bohemian dream livin"
I jest in my nest of what has been
My nurture, vulnerability, intimacy.

We all comment and slosh
Our glasses embedded with whiskey
"Its so embedded"
Long Eyelashes said, as muscles and new dreams
Look sweeter, but lets kiss on Friday night
As I fly away from the ultimate Bohemian
Who told me in my cocoon:
"You talk too much."

Why do men say such things?
Is it that hard to listen?
To fill others with sincerity, joy
I don't know.

That extension of love
My mind wheeling around
Geography, topography, calculous
But in essences of green, red, purple
My keypad does not allow
Quick, swift fingers to say to past violence
"Wish you well."

Remember how I use to send you poems of the day?
Me neither.
But I can, through that lie to myself
Outline what I thought we were
Like an ink gun exploding
Just GO, girl

Because my wishing, my kissing
I flutter like a sea of dragons
For those who join the ride,
Next to me.

The Windy City.
Sometimes I worry heavily
About popularity.
But I took my time walking the city street
Tonight.
I stopped in front of the grave site
Where freedom was won for us
Through ****** wounds and all the tunes
Of men who fought so valiantly
To just tell women: "You talk too much."
?????
????
??

Lets fight the good fight
Lets replace our swords with sharpness of wit
Lets put down our guns and aim generosity, instead
Lets let go of the mallet
The grenade
The pitchfork
The joust
Wouldn't you rather save, expel
Your energy for a peaceful humanity
Happiness rings at its doorbell.

Wedding veil, do we run out of things
To discuss?
Past the age of huge mistake, some say
Wait until you are at least 30
While the South croons and cranes
Patriarchy.

Who is to hammer down their gavel
Of how to map out your life
Who needs an exact map?
Lets sleep on the floor
Ink our bodies to look like paintings
Kiss lips of those we love
Trust that success, happiness
Peace--
Is no where to be found
In weaponry.

Sorry about that slap in the face
Scratches and bruises on drunken soaked limbs
Can't remember when
But I dance with a bare foot best friend
Bartender clad in tattoos
He's got a thing for my
Overalls and long blonde hair.

Takes such effort to move and live
Whiskey, shots bigger than my palm
Eyes so heavy, how am I sitting in this cafe

I should write, contemplate
Seems like just yesterday
Everything was so shakeable

Who will I be, come next Memorial Day?

Men on the corner,
This mini frappuccino ain't worth
A 5 dollar bill of mine

Apartment crowded with leaving
End of this coming week
Long Eyelashes, we gonna make hot dogs tonight
I imagine in my head
Wanna get kissed
Or wanna get hit

Gotta purchase batteries
Clean up all his discarded cigarettes
From a time I should have loved me more

I'm not full of articulate metaphors today
Stayed in bed until 3pm
"You look strangely radiant"
I play with fires and guns
In my mouth.

Give me that tattoo
Wanna ink and look like a hymn
I wonder if The Betrayer
****
Moons upon moons upon moons

My whole life is about to change.

Wait.
You mean to tell me, we didn't end
In tragedy?

I woke up this morning
11:05am, your body no longer next to me
Snuggling, tangeling me
In my cocoon, you were so glad
To be in a bed again
In my bed again.

But this morning
Kitty cat meow's in her sleep
A furball next to me
There is something fitting about
Watching me get down to country music
You said.

A lump in my throat here
There.
I can't believe it all went so well.
I can still smell, taste your skin
***** pictures on my phone, can't erase them
Just yet
But a big jet plane,
Will soon urge me
Not to look back
At what just won't ever
Work.


A protein bar, miss a gym class
Send out the technology, can't decipher
Everything.
Its Friday, its Friday
The whole city wants to dance in the sunlight
Yesterday it rained and gloomed
Just like my face, when you walked out this door
For the final time.
Your knock-kn-kn-kno-knock knock
You were just as I hoped
No tears or screams?

But we inherently--
We just don't really wanna get along
Words I slap in my mouth
Someday some man will be so glad
You lacked bravery in every respect.

"I will always love you."
You said my name, so many times
I remember when I was growing up
I always believed: Take note of people who say your name, how many times they say it, it indicates that they really love you.
My little blonde head, creating academia in love.

Less glazed over, but a stain glass
Over my eyes still remains
Work it out, rinse it off
Massaging your back, I wish you didn't always hide
Behind your made up comedy.

But it doesn't matter what I wish
When it comes to you and your now well kept beard
Not because *******, or **** me
But because you ordered a drink you thought I would like
On the menu, laughter all around us
But I looked at you and knew


There is real joy
In leaving.

Aching limbs full of lusting whiskey grins
"I saw that drink on the menu and I thought: Thats a you drink."
Elevator doors close on us as your kisses blew through
Todays early afternoon.

We melt and we agitate
Because we know.
"You love me."
Your back to me, as my hands remind you
Of the drug you keep coming back to,
me.

"I'm gonna need rehab after this."
Your whistles of silliness and lack of depth
Appear and reappear like a rubik's cube
I'll never solve with my sensual hands.

You gotta go, time to leave the house
But we play and replay all the black tape
Wrapped around my body
You love me in lace.

Hair so blonde and big
Janice Joplin screlted about men like you
Little green crop top, take me off
As our bodies swarm and stop us from really talking
Anymore.

Say my name, say me name, say it again
Your voice so strong and full of self infliction
You wanna call me out on the blanket
I laid so carefully for us on the floor
Lets dine each other like kings
So we won't be so hurt
When we remember our scars.

You will never comprehend, me, and all my complexities
A lack of a real response, you turn it around
Like a globe you wanted to spin with one finger
But I spun into the sky, traveling
Courage embedded in my eyes.

Feed me the fancy dinner,
But we can't take ourselves too seriously
My favorite is when you laugh that affectionate way
But I was ready for you to go, when you went.

My body tense, worried you would abandon
Only when you were ready to
But eggs and avocados,
But I butchered it as I cut it
With the very same knife
You held to me so long ago.


Viewing the world today
With a slight glaze,
Covered in your residue
I don't wanna wash you off just yet.

Whats really a goodbye anyway?
Just someday, I won't long for your taste
But I hope I send you to rehab,
Always.

Prepare for cocktails
Blue versus green ink
******* tape sits so carefully in the corner
My eyes so heavy but unwilling to slumber.
Sleeping such a chore, but once my eyes are so closed
The light from my windows egg me on.
As I heard myself whimper and coo your name
As though searching, looking for you
Through a walkie talkie
Or a paper cup connected through string
But I knew at the end,
I would never hear your
Answering.

Kitty cat slumbers on 3 suitcases
As I recall how you didn't want to hear my mind
My philosophy
"Have you played out all the scenarios in your mind?"
It never goes the way I fantasize.

Perhaps you won't show up
With your scraggly beard and worn down clothes
A hobo clown, the damsels and I would jest
A silver screen starlet
I imagine us arm in arm
Neck to neck
Tied and tangled
Because neither of us can seem to forget.

Those blue depths I would plummet into
With a short blonde bob
I would cry and cry when your skin
Left mine
I would cry and cry
When I felt neglected by you
Night by night.

But there is something different in the air
Something different in the sea
Something so ******* different in me

"We love each other"
I can almost hear myself say
Lingerie mirroring my face
But just because we love each other
That doesn't make us right for each other
I would so famously,
Say.

I wonder if your knock, kn-kn--kno-knock-knock
Will pound a few times on my door
Like you use to before
When we would laugh and laugh
We never grew bored.

Cat nip and our own fantastical fumes
I was your crack for a while, you still exclaim
I hope I leave you with withdrawal
Always.


But I digress
The cat on all those suitcases--
She soon will belong to another
The suitcases--They will be stacked and packed
Rolling on carpeted floors
A fedora on my head
And new opening doors.

The Goodbye Dinner
You would look at me with that coy
Icicle heart fire grin
As I remember all the times I tried to erase
That face from my mind.

I don't try anymore
I don't fight anymore
I don't erase anymore
I just live.

Maybe this is dumb
Maybe this is the stupidest thing I've ever done
Maybe we are ******* so dumb
"But we love each oth--"
I start to hear myself say, in my day dream
Of us on a roof top
Unable to escape


And then I remember,
I go my own way.

An ocean erupting from the sky
In my braided pig tails
Natural, glowing face
Catch reflections in the glass
I let the rain baptize me.

A place to live,
I hop and skip
Dance like a freebird in the rain
Narrow my eyes at the cars driving by
But now I'm too high
To cry at how little time
I have, tonight.

Quit this gig, but I need that dough
I wanted to be the belle of the ball
But beers and solitude
Ask me to lift and kiss
May 16th, 2015.

Sometimes, I really wish there was someone
Next to me, as all my lady friends
They lay their little skulls
Cheers beers
With an entity, I don't let myself
know
Right this moment.

Boxes upon boxes
Come take my bed
I send a ****** message to the big bad wolf
But not because I wear a red hood.

Exploring, adventures
Painting with the paintbrush of possibility

Everyone else walks around the city,
An umbrella covering their heads

But I let the rain lilt, graze
My lithe body
And we whisper
I whisper,
Now.

Potato sacks, we jumped in
I always won the race
First place on my face.

A plaque, a trophy taller than my grin
Ribbons, certificates, medals
In the top 3, I remember the pleasure it brought me
When I would defeat the boys, especially.

Standing in front of a crowd
Here is a story, a story you should hear.
I memorized all these words
My heart so in it all.

Gazing in the mirror of who I am now
Brighten my color up, sweet hair dresser
As deep conversation on life and love
Lick like flames around us
Everyone just wants to be loved
Everyone wants to feel free
Everyone wants what they want
But mostly,
Everyone wants validation.

I sought it out,
Stuck my pinky finger through the holes
Of smoke clouds I denied for two years
Of empty whiskey bottles
Your bitter cigarette kisses
I seem to still haunt myself with
You answer sometimes, sometimes you don't
But I know at the end,
You will always just be happy for me
In the village of you
Filled with only you.

A half empty apartment
A girl from college also goes to Chicago
But I don't feel the need to chase the past
I go my own way.

A moment of remembering this time
Before, a cap & gown
The biggest moment besides marriage
Everyone likes to proclaim
Preach, teach, leech
But we are the generation of change.

I am change.
I am freedom.
I am ******.
I am powerful.
I am a goddess of my own life.

Blonde hairs above lips
Sweating in the sun
Lets not disturb the crowd with music
But I throw down, don't worry
I'm no ******* clown
All the boys and girls watch me
As I dance.

Playing the part of the night
I shudder when insecure boys
Ask me about my acting
As if I were a mannequin
I don't have answers to most things
I don't try to pretend to be wiser than you
But I listen, I feed, and I leave
A positive mark behind.

Validation through whoever you are dating--
A factor, a choice most women seek
But I intellectualize it
No binoculars on my eyes,
In time
Bravery will caress my name.

A dark little abode I've known for so long now
Mama wants to know what I think of her writing
Beautiful, nice repetition, meaning
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back.

Like a flurry of volcanic emotions
I see them, like lost banshees fly past me
I know I'm not alone in this
All the young women and I
We lift our heads up.

Confession:
I thought I would look around at age 24
With my glasses and blonde hair
And I would have it all figured out
But I journey on
Bravery never felt so good.

My whole body ******* hurts
Got that post dance ache
Kisses in a black shirt
That guy, he found me all night
But we release our juices at the same time
Long Eyelashes and I.

Phone vibrating and calculating
Edit and stir **** up
A girl cussed me out last night
Because she thought I grabbed her ***?
What is the world coming to.

A woman and a woman
I would never shame a woman
So don't drop the f bomb
On a girl you really don't know.

Venus and hair virginal bones
Everyone afraid of amtrak now
World, let us be safe
Be so safe
Be so sweet.

"You would be really fun to go to a ******* with"
My poor little Bohemian Lover says to me
But I know the truth.

My eyes hurt and are swollen these days
All that whiskey and braless chest today
But a stranger asks me to watch his computer
I wish he was cute.

I wanna make so much
I wanna do so much
Sleep seems like such a chore
I don't know where I'm living, just yet

The month of May.

Got that green leafed feeling
In a green grass park
Sorry for being such a nymph
Sorry for denying the love
You have never had before.

It's true
I'm really ******' bored
But I gear up, become so wise
Why tell lies?

I can feel it around me
Like the fathers who flap their hands
As child 1 says "daddy!"
Baseball bat, I just wanted
To eat candy and flirt

I grow my hair
My boots shiny and flaming

I'm a naughty bad *****
Covered in lacy laughter and fingertips
I hate laying on the operating table.

I'd rather rub my face against a violin
As it whimpered and crooned
All the times I rode on the tour guide bus
Wished for dreams to come true.

But clouds and pixie dust
I consume and cough them up
As liquids run down my limbs
Longing whiteness
Perfection.

I can't wait for an email
A commercial, a cash register
To go bing bang ****
I haven't been able to make myself write
In so long.

I don't know if its because whistles of self loathing
Secure and secretly
RING RING RING
Wrong number, this has gotta be the wrong number
I'm not sure what I want
I'm not sure who you are
I just want to ink my tongue.

Summer in the concrete jungle
Everyone claims "OH! I LOVE CHICAGO!"
Dollar signs and fleeting moments pass by me
Numb to it all, weight on my back
Soak it up
No man to really call my name
No, not right now.

A coffee shop, it all started in.
Green eyes, leaves, get that paper
Skin so ******.
So ******.

I wish we never had to mourn.
White nails, got so much dirt underneath them
Melting face, ointment gotta use it
Muscle, muscle
Have I been a not so great friend?
But I'm doin' the ******' best I can
I hope we all are.

Gotta edit this ******* *****
I was suppose to get up at 8am
"Probably"
But a flurry of kisses, gotta escort you to the bed
Cause you're like a *****
But I pick out clothes for friends
Work out, makes me feel better
The Betrayer--don't take him too seriously
Positive  moments, I try to hold onto those

Mama & Papa dread coming to help me
But they gotta cape on their backs,
Sayin' comin' to the rescue
Sometimes I miss the deep south so much
It hurts my bruised bones.

People crowded in a cafe
I can't just sit in my hole inside
I pick up tables, chairs
I move them alone
But watch and select your words carefully?

I don't know.
I also don't believe in covering my heart tattoo
Ink the back of my neck
I wanna remember and beautify my skin
Like the art work,
I am.

I just gotta believe it
I just gotta trust it
I found my way home drunk in New York City
Believe it, because no one can for you.

We gotta start layin' down some laws for next year
I gotta start makin' moves
I rest and I plan and I hope
I dream.
Just let me find somewhere special to live.

I heard you were 6'5
You look like what I dream of
Meet me, I could be your dream too
Turning in expensive high heels
I could see the Dead Prince's eyes respond
So clearly, so honestly
But I wake up and move on.

Time for a new playlist.

Smokey leaved insides
Green lipstick from the night before
I asked the bartender:
"Am I terrifying?"
But heres the safe restroom
A moment of seeing the sun hitting the windows
The fur coat I always wore
Lana Del Rey on repeat
I really thought, I think
That I did want it to be you?

The last time we drank ****** marys
All my material items, take them
Take them from me
A contentment, a sense of adventure
A knowing and feeling that you were right there
A relaxation I thought I could feel
But I glitch and we glitch
And I glitch through the line.

"I'm done. I'm so over it."
But I do, I admit
I cycle and recycle
Hoping for the real one
Hoping for the right one
But I don't wanna give up
My play time.
Lets be children on the playground
Together
Someday, whoever--wherever you are out there
My perhaps prince.

Lifting tables, piles of clothes
Take it all as I try to remember how to
Be mathematic, no--I really don't need
You to tell me in a positive stern way
That it wasn't "a waste."
No, it wasn't a waste
But you never danced into the night alone
You never dealt with saying "I'm an actress"
As men accused you of acting, acting all the time
You never knew REALLY knew
How that empty seat
Whistles and coos your name.

How could you?
How could I?
So I say a hundred and million more times--
I could **** myself over it, or I could be strong about it
Sarcasm and death, sarcasm and all the
Chocolate peanut butter ice cream
I wish I could drench my face in.

Long Eyelashes showed up unannounced
His blue eyes twinkling and gazing into mine
Take the mirror, take the board
May little reminders of me float through your life
Like pixie dust fresh from the moon
I hope I am always moon droplets
Everywhere I left my mark.

Kissing and longing
Whimpering, but body so tired
Anxiety and leg hurting
Can't go out and eat the night
Tonight
Hair in wet loops
Apartment covered in today and transition
I tell my mother: "I think I need to see a therapist."

BEAT.
"You are just stressed."
Yep. You are right.
I ******' am man.
But I look next to me
I long for the past in moments
For sushi nights, hustling down Spruce
A fresh new boy, a movie it felt so freeing to make
The avoidance and heartbreak, recovering
Recovering recovering recovering recovering recovering recovering.
That will be $
That will be $


But I
I drape my long lean strong legs
Over the empty seat.

Remember when you use to watch
Just the way I would marinate
Cook chicken, my special way
Standing behind me, your paws
Really--I guess, claws
Blue like the bluest pools I swam into
Peeling my hair about
Sea creature, let me be.

Once I hit my face on the side of the pool
Papa bet me $5 I could swim without coming up for air
To the other side, green pus bruises
Lasted for weeks
As scabs retreated, reminding me
Of learning things the hard way.

I cooked chicken tonight
Fresh, feta cheese
Crack the pepper all of me
But I don't use salt

Sodium?
Avoid sodium.

1:47am a text of your longing
Lusting, power
Remember how my home was your home?

Not me.
I do, but its like a faint dream
Pounding blood in my chest
No longer aching for
Swindling disappointment, nah uh
Not for me, I cook chicken solo.

Early morning, up with a start
New date to leave, move in
Start anew, while faces around me
Kisses, I see lipsticked kisses
Covering me,
Bursting out of the cage.

Make some money quick, quick
As I hear a clicking and buzzing sound
Sell everything, its got to go
4 bags and a tiny blonde moon beam.

Momentum, positive love
Soaking up and like tree branches
Details of nature's artistic growth

Bursting through me
Like September 28, 1990.

"I still think of you when I ******* sometimes."
Swirling bumblebee statement,
Am I boring you at all?
Free ****** on the counter top
But we like it so much better to be free
Skin to skin.

Would it be weird?
You just made it weird
Oh **** now its weird
Kiss me like I am the weirdest.

No reply, silent some
Times
There goes another shot, play the part
As you swagger like a hobo
Through the city of lights
Promising through laughter
Half open eyes, lacy thighs
You want one more taste.

But I won't be here for your play
Always.
I'll be engaged, I joke and say
Then you must stay away
But you eat up my weirdness
But we don't have to be deep
I just dropped words
You never heard
Through your hollow hearing
Stand up comedian
Imaginary paparazzi surround
Our glistening desire.

Two weeks of mouthes upon mouthes
Oh well, guess that one wrote me off as young
Don't challenge me at the dinner table

I'm just ******' weird and braver
Than you could ever dream to be.

****.
******* **** **** ****.
My mama told me never to curse.
But shrewd alligator teeth words
Flew from her lips, everyday.
Erase the bonnet off my head.

Brussel sprouts, coffee face
I try to let go of walking in the sunshine with you
Hitting walls of knowing it will never work
What a waste
Such a connection, such a love
But a best friend of mine says
"Its all so perfect--in one day."
I love you in your drunken **** doting state
You love me when my hair is soaked in the rain
Lets contemplate how to break out
Wonder why it didn't work before
But I gotta go.

Theres something about the Philadelphia
I float through definitions and hung up words
But I know and I eat fresh fruit
I just really gotta go.
Positive attitude, positive attitude
I don't look for a man to hold me
Any longer.

Searching through listings
A new place to live
Papa and I try to figure it all out
I just don't really care what I look like today
But lets make things happen
As I can still feel The Betrayers coarse lips
On my neck, my face, my lips
Slapping a face or two
Or three
Jumping from variety to release
I think I'm good for a while.

So I sleep alone, I shop alone, I smoke alone
I stay sober alone.
I shower alone.
I write alone.
I'm alone.

Its really quite beautiful.
Oh what a pleasure
I do want a white wedding dress
But I twirl away from bar bathrooms in New York City
I'll believe it when I see it
I feel like all my writing is the same thing
On repeat

Be happy for me, in The Village

While I gypsy on.

Eating flowers, magical
Whiskey jameson taste
I could replay how good it felt
To feel like yours, for a moment again
But I had to walk into the misty rain
Lipstick smeared all down my face
I know it will never end with you loving you
You loving me
Fighting to make us work.

Pictures of what once was
You have let yourself go, I said
Honest words but I hung on the fence
Your strong hands telling me what to do next.

A summer shandy beer
A best friend that has a boy's bed to sleep in
Every night. Everyone goes home to someone
Every night.
But my purple rose lights and I
We find tranquility in solitude.

We don't make any sense
My intellect, we nod and say
It will take a two way street investment
For me to decide, to truly stay away
From you.

Writing letters on a page
At one point thought it could be him or him
But I stop waiting for a him
The final month of whats about to begin


I wish a lot of things sometimes
Black lace, a romper you couldn't refuse
But I teach people how to treat me
I stand up when no one else will
I fall asleep, right now.

Heavy eyes, so tired all the time
Holes in my pants, looking like
Bras and little *******
As Jameson shots claim and dance
In our throats
I tried to eat the flower you gave me.

City skylines an uproar of lust
I can tell in your eyes, you know
What you have lost
Subway shenanigans, you
Lick your fingers repeatedly
The taste of me.

Up against a wall, loss of control
Dark beard and blue eyes
I once swore my heart into
Now there is a knowing in my step
As a bar bathroom spins
Your longing to be near my skin
Again.

Wish I could sleep on the bus
But I feel anxious about all the things
I must do and taste
A castle we climbed into
Like a little girl and boy
You wanted to take
My lipstick off.

The village.
I had to walk away and leave you
The way you left me
So many times before
Gin & tonic punishing me
As we both throw down dollars
We didn't own before

I watched you see me disappear
From afar
Wandering into the city,
I took the wrong train
Felt like all those times
I got lost as a little girl from
My mother in Walmart
Once in Disney World
I cried into the night
Fear of never getting home.

But I did.
The aroma of you still thick
But things are different now,
I tell you
As a light rain mists all over
Our present tense
What it will take for you to stay away.

A few weeks, a heavy kiss
Give you a day in May
But I won't stay, to ensure anything
With you, my Betrayer Love.

Exits, words, no goodbye
For the final time?
But opening myself to hard work
Joy, fight, respect, fulfillment


So I think of a toast
A toast for me:
Evolve, always.

Figment wrapped in coiling surrender
Your embryonic licking tickle
I could have held you in these limbs
Until you & the moon held the beacon
On a great, large pike
Like severed skulls of kings & queens
Who once dreamed & creamed
That they would rule
The tiniest minnow,
You, my love.

Disintegrating as if fingertips
Held anxiety & power
With every touch.

Sometimes I think I simply--
Smoke too much ****, to be the housewife
Of men who rose & took up all the seats
Before.

But my minnow & me
We plant with our ***** soiled fists
Into the worms and four leaf clovers
Rooting into the specific "X MARKS THE SPOT"
Blooming pixilated images of the wings
I meant to give the moon all along
I could hear that you wanted me here

Be there in 20 minutes
Leaping, leaning, lurking eyelashes
Bun in my hair, glad to give any man a scare
I think of lines and inspiration I wish to write
Every moment of every day.

Ring pillow, but ya see
Its got a one hitter, a bag of ****, and a wolf lighter
Instead
Naked in my bathroom, my eye twitching
From so much caffeine and all the things
I long and dream to do.

Your noses, all of your noses
I contemplate the angles and mistakes of them
New York City, as her blue eyes--I make them sparkle
Words on a page flowing through lips
I wish to be only sincerity.

Don't be so ******* unprofessional
I think to myself, scoffing along the way
As images of your spit hitting my skin
Flow and swim through my head.

The flights and fancy of romance
I don't lick wounds over them too much
I've pretty much been through it all
Sometimes a humming sad song
Fills my siren lungs
But then I think of the richness, the depth
Of all of the painted stories
I can tell.


Theres something about the world these days
Our barbie dolls, we do a double take at them
Maybe if we smeared their eyeliner,
They would seem much more human.

When you hit that cadence in your run
Gripping, burning, whispers:
"You can't go on. Stop!! STOP!"
Leaping through that voice
Through that bitter noise--
Like all of the elements
Bursting into one big fluid
******* throbbing pulse.

Fruit stained fingertips
You got caught inside me
But with dainty hands, flesh in the mirror
Gotta release it.

A calico cat needs a home
As I pick up and lick every stone
A vampire lair we joke
Feeling tufts of hair, from the men before.

The sun opens its pores through my windows
Packing, organizing, barely affording to clean
I don't really wanna clean
Until I leave.

Asserting authority but with a ripe smile on my face
This boy wants to go to dinner
As 17 years and drops of innocence
Disappear from me
But I consume vats of hummus at 2am
Glad to be alone.

Everybody's got someone
That felt like an audition, I wonder if I booked it?
Mixing business with pleasure
Maybe it could feel better
Before I zoom away on a jet plane.

Greet the spring air
Containing ties and spanks
But I've got this romper and dress
I will wear
As I escape from Philly for the last time
Blue eyed lady, our eyes swell
With forbidden love
Playing pretend never felt so good.

Dance like no one is watching
Trusting love to come ask to cut in
But I pass my debit card to the nearest man
"Put that away"
He said, as my fingers furiously pour
Out--what is going on within me.

I tried to end things on a positive note
You wanna see and toss me
As I say "Its not like I'm sittin' over here doin' nothing"
Get out the door, go begin the day
As I pray, let me--let myself--be happy.

Caffeine in my daily veins
Touch my sweater like that again.

Imagining blue eyes eating me up
My shirt off the night before
Face turning, grabbed and wet kisses
Sleeping in a single bed
Sometimes you just want a handsome man
Next to you.

Smoking to calm nerves
I stand my ground
Challenged, all the men gotta challenge
Batched or not really listening
My young age capitalized in the wing
Of my eyeliner, hugging gentlemen behavior
You haven't seen me in theatre.

Just a minute, I gotta put my shorts on
Lifted above, suckling pink roses
I soon forgot from Yards IPA
Less pressure, but I hope you like
To watch my mouth smile and move.

5 weeks left, Long Eyelashes wants to talk in person
Friday, everybody just wants to play
As spring rain whispers in our ears
I could ride on the back of your motorcycle
Scales and a bull, I've been down this road before
But you talk and you teach
I am not like anyone you will ever meet.

Experience and young strength
Sangria and the bartender mystified
I just met you.
"You are very passionate"
A defined, knowing glimmer in my eye
I don't let the sounds of men
Questioning my revenue
Threaten me.

A new way to make money
Maybe I shouldn't have made that joke
About stripping
But your body and face
Had me dripping
Ask me to ride, and I will.

But a mermaid around my neck
Can't forget
I walk briskly into newness
But I soak up all that is around me
As I rock back and forth in my hair
Lips painted--my current mood.

"**** and so present."

Come hither looks
Did you mistake my intentions
Airport coffee tastes like ****
***** martini fumigating my mouth
Don’t tell me what I can’t do.

Sobbed on the phone, how do we sell art
Standing, my sword stabbed into the hill
I ran up, by myself
Dollar bills flicked into my face
I have to keep the integrity
Sharks swimming and my mouth opening
I have venomous fangs
That whistle and stain.

How unfortunate you missed out
How unfortunate everyone deems you a fool
But I walk away from 44 unread pages
A secret note at the end, I would like to crumple in my hand


Run to the gate, don’t miss the flight
Into the night sky
He put that ring on her finger, I laugh and laugh
Everyone wishes ill, but me
Because the sunshine of spring shines upon me
Because I am brave enough to move on
Chicago and new beginnings
Licking my name.

Dance in front, scales never looked so good
****** warrior, bodies move
A free bird never shot down
Thrown onto the shore of the sea
My tail morphs into legs
That swiftly leap.

The sound of hearing you say bye
But I shut my computer before I could really hear it
You wanted to tell me things could have been different
But you really only broke my spirit.

One moment, relieved to be free
The next I wonder if I have made a mistake
But all those that love me and surround me
They say: No, no no no you deserve to not be treated this way.

Heart shaped earring a piercing moment
Gonna stop looking and searching, waiting
Still recovering, hurting
When will a man treat me with some real respect?

I see women taking over the world, subtle
Soft
I don't know whats gotta change,
But I help lead the rampage.

Second home, ocean waves
Only a few more days, back to the city I will go
I always return, iron embedded in my skin.

Memorable words, I said to you
I always wondered if you would end up being a mirage
The poetry, I wrote you
Teeth biting into what I thought you were
I had to be so wrong again.

Still moving past sighs,
A rude moment in public
Confrontation as women get paid to shake their *****
I just wish, God I just wish
We could dance in a club
As Beyonce drops it all down around us
With no expectation.

Thats what I wanna do
And thats who I am
So no, you can't just keep me as
A little hot picture
When I don't belong in your arms.

Working past it, can't help but remember
How you all would dote
But now I click "off" on the remote

Swaying, twisting, leaping, twirling
The sound of possibility.

The Rites of Spring
My father says, his dialect springing up
Like all of the dandelions
Bumblebees and kissing weeds
As four bottles of wine seem to go, so quickly.
"You are easy to fall in love with."
Childhood love, cure me of my latest heartbreak
But my lips, I cover them with my hand
Watch you fall asleep in my bed
Nausea and emotions I gotta ignore
I wish I could buy everything in every store.


Lets go through folders
But first, Professor--ya gotta delete that fol--
Folder, my father and I look through what we jest as:
"Teedle Blackmail."
Old report cards, look at all the good grades I made
I had forgotten that I use to break the decorations
Off of my lamp, teenage years swirling through me
As I tried to conceptualize ****** smiles on my skin.

Heart beating so fast, had to hit a thimble of ****
But Professor smiles and smiles,
Can't deal with mistakes, unspoken words
The boys these days, they wanna tell me
"You hold me accountable."
A leader, a leader, school teacher
89s, 93, a 90 in Chemistry
**** standardized testing
"He's book smart, but he is NOT wise."
Move along, I move along
Indeed.

Led on, chicken sandwich makes me feel better
Mama has got some soup she says tastes like ****
Studying films by watching, give me some words
To hang onto.
A young lady in Alabama
Eatin' it up when mistaken for age 19
But age 19 black rimmed eyes, childhood love
He remembers just what my corset looked like.

You wouldn't want to marry me, now.
And by that--I guess what I really mean
Is that I wouldn't want to marry you.
It would be simple, quaint
I could just throw in the towel
But I'm not one to throw.

Though disappointment and some let downs
Whisper in my ear
I lay in the grass alone, close my eyes
4 bottles of wine mocking me all day
Fill up the tub with love
Because its out there
In everything I see, touch, feel
"I knew you were meant for more. I knew you would leave."
"You were worth it."

Worth.
Worthiness
Self worth
Worthy.

I passed by the deep blue pool
Imagining like The Lady of Shalott
But I communicate, reflect, create
The lamp next to me steady

Unbroken.

Little old puppy dog
Had a seizure this morning, Mama
Wants to go see Cinderella
But I know I would rather be high
Cuz' I'm gonna criticize
Same ole story, same ole tune
Another white woman, turned away from the ball.

I'm not interested in whats easy or available
I'm not captivated by stories that have been told
I wanna yawn all day long when my feet don't carry me
Lets examine self worth and our reactions
To the door slamming shut
A thousand and one times.

Cucumber slices with avocado juices
Little brother writes a 7 page paper
I can give you advice on how to fundraise
Hold events, tweet
But I ******* hate twitter.

Young in party dresses
Searching for the golden easter egg
Anna & I, I remember when I opened the closet
Of the Southern mansion
I believed so furiously in everything:
Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny
As the door creaked and groaned open
Mighty white doors echoing and laughing

A pink bunny suit, no skin or face
To fit the mold, shaking and hugging children
It looked so very lonely, in that little closet.
I think we squealed? Maybe screamed?
Actually, we might have just been silent.
A mystery we wanted to determine
Little white mary janes
Just wanting to find the golden egg
And we did, as we did, every year.

Brushing heavy fur and twisting my braids
Sleep never felt harder to step out of
Expiration dates and changing city locations
I hope you wear your tie and remember my eyes
The way he--described, I remember today
Staring at the words painted on the wall
I had forgotten till just then
But style admired, hopes for a brighter tomorrow
My bones flourish.

Detoxing and processing
Vividly weird dreams, can't remember them
Childhood love a bottle of wine in the grass
I just wanna play.

I just wanna twirl in my party dress
White mary janes
Know that the Easter Bunny is fake
Maybe, I'm the golden egg.

Three C's
Everyone wonders why I haven't heard someone say
Marry me
But foreign words and barriers
Leave my lips
Staying away from french fries
Running in fields of grass
Sometimes I wonder who I am trying to convince

No stable heart shaped box in sight
My cousin and my mother tell me over lunch
"He's out there. He's longing for you too."
But with a knowing grin and shielded eyes
I avoid their judgment, their misunderstanding
I just wanna be a drinking Harper Lee.

3 children, tag your girlfriend in blue
I'm not trying to **** up anyone's life
But I wanna drink red wine as the sun sets
Envisioning what I would do with my camera
And moving past lustful sighs
A strong female voice, teach a lesson
Or two
Or four
Or more
But spirituality and stones
Who knows what to believe anymore?

I pray at night sometimes
My covers and sheets ribboned around me
Cycling thoughts of all of them
How do we become who we are?
Denial of ***, a shove, a regret, forgetting to step--
Away from those that poison our saliva
My heart shaped box, I keep under
My bed.

20 dollar bills handed with promises of a future
Riding in taxi cabs with you
Your crooked tooth and perfect beard
I wonder what it was you and your face
Hid from, all along
Beneath
That scruffy little
Beard.

Imaginary glasses on the brim of my nose
An academic at heart, but I can't remember
The last time I felt secure or challenged
But I felt better, happier for a time
Picking myself back up by the boots
A statement piece around my thin neck
I just wanna draw and paint
But have no real wall
To hang it up on.

A ray of light, inspiration
Impatience for "the one"
But training myself to not
Need, someone
The maidens from the deep south
A siren, they jest
A siren who travels
And hasn't met him yet.

You're right.
I haven't
But I know he ain't in Alabama
He sure as **** isn't in Philadelphia
So I stop looking
I stop searching and longing for an answer
Skeletons of the past, I want to look at you and laugh--
So I do.

An amethyst around a swan
If danger is what you feel around my eyes
Definition and muscles in my skin
If you wanted me to be what I was when you left
Ample and flourishing moon beams
If you hoped I would keep my mouth shut
Self awareness and articulate words
Coming, coming from me.

Perhaps there is not an "it"
And I am, a woman living in right now
But I trust the moon
I trust the stars
I trust the universe
I trust how good it felt to run in a circle
In the grassy backyard,
Free.

In retrospect
Here in my Alabama bed
Birds hovering above a stage
Michael Keaton nails and bleeds such
Sincerity
Snoozing and losing
Let myself vacation.

You can give me a call
I tell The Professor disappointments
But see no real answer, in it all
No, not from him
Gazing at the faces of those before me
Times, oh how they have changed
But all of those bodies
Their pounding organs
Felt immense love, pain, happiness
Beads breaking around my neck
Reading an old note in a play with a grin.

Sleeping into oblivion
But my mother and I make plans
As I wish I was leaner, stronger, blonder
My hair swarming all around me
A city whispers and runs on
Without me
But I don't feel sadness in that
Embracing the sun in the morning
And puppy dog kisses.

Driving through the miles and miles of grass
Trees and natural thick syrupy dialects
I remember when a black haired boy
Was the meaning of my everything
My Prince, I called him.
Driving by coffee shops, kisses in the library
I thought to myself:
"There is nothing but this."
Uniform skirts, knee high socks, a black book in my hands
My world was so small scale
And I roll my eyes every time my mother
Criticizes the men of my past:
"They think small. They don't think big like you do."
In wine there is truth.

Detoxing and hovering in quietness
Laying in the greenery, bees buzzing all around me
My world was so small
It meant so much
An urgency to find an answer
But with bigger and wider eyes
I ran on,
I am still running.

I don't know who will catch me
Mid-air
But I stop asking, stop questioning, stop looking
Can't make any of these bachelors
Be what I see
So my vision and I
We prance on.

I think he knows that meant goodbye
You must know how you gazed at me
A photograph to prove its point
Holding early in the morning
Drifting and knowing some
Are beyond repair.

I seek no enemies
And often I wish I could wrap it all up in a little bow
But tying lace trimmed with eloquence and wild--
Dance and laughter
I tie the bow in my hair
As it dangles and lingers around my neck
Around my skin tattooed like
All of my experiences I thought were it
I dream and I dream
And I live

Big.

I guess it makes me feel a little sick
I remember the baby goat
You said
It ****** so hard from the bottle
You wanted to discuss Lancaster
How you think the world of me
Do I think you are a good man?
No,
I dont.

Twirling me in blackness and red
You sat me on the counter
Couldn’t help but touch
But I kept my lips to myself
Water and sorrow spilling from my eyes
I forgot that even happened
But I watched you go, as you always do
You gotta make it about sexuality
Project your downfalls onto me
Your misery and self disrespect
In the air of my cocoon.

Heavy breathing and that same counter top
In the sunshine your face lit up as my presence—
Handing you the epitome of us
You wondered why
I ponder if you soaked it up
Absorbed it, if it made your eyes tear
And I gotta admit, I hope it did.

Couldn’t have been a stronger, more controlled goodbye
Than me hugging you, for the last time
Perhaps I will wear lavender and splatter paint
A ring and newfound life on my soul
As you look on from afar
Knowing what you missed
And tripped out on.


So remembering the feelings
Of placing your hat in your hands
And the only other portfolio of poetry
I have ever extended to a man
I gladly, gladly move along.

Oh Betrayer,
Betrayal never felt so sweet
For I no longer lay my heart on the table
As a treat
For in the morning and in the night
I love me too much for such neglect.

But you wish and you long
You dote on, what we had
But I don’t.
If it could have been different
It just would be.
But you gotta place your hand on my shoulder
Try to get a rise out of me
While I leave and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave.
Thee.


Because.
Swans never flew
I,
Never flew higher.

Legs outstretched over the bathtub
Spread eagle, release myself
Release myself, while a lost boy
Sleeps in my bed.

Sometimes Long Eyelashes exposes words
And I can't help but heavily shake my head
I fear for the race of men.

Can't we hold some respect for ourselves?
Can't we let a string of pearls
Place eloquence
But I know he who I hate to even name
Thinks lustily
And pollutedly, of me
Thank you for being so wrong.

Writing and coping
Men, what to think of them
A softness and same gender
An experience I gotta have at least once
Not at the ripe age of 15
But kisses on my neck,
I long for rusty and masculine hands.

Sometimes I have to catch myself
Kick down my dragon ring finger
Steel toes and longing stares
I adjust the slit in my dress.

Wish you would utter a sound of loss
But blue seats and a woman in yellow
Offers me mint gum as red lips
Covered in coffee and love
Release into right now.

Announcements and seat belts
Gotta go, south bound
Coming back stronger, even bolder
Lighter and graceful
Fasten Seat Belt While Seated.

Dreaming so vividly
Sunlight in my eyes
Hearing myself say goodbye 3 times.

But two watch me as they go
Betrayer I watched you step out into the sunlight
You didn't look back.
Professor, you say nothing in return
Long Eyelashes, we are a little broken.

Don't ever let anyone in this world
Tell you, you can't do something
Scars and bathroom mirrors
Smoking **** in the bathroom
Denial of sexuality and freedom
I left behind the pristine south
To forget being just a homemaker.

But its so close to home, I say
As we trim footage, blow up balloons
Don't yell in my face if you can't come through
Kitchen counters, he just wanted to remember
Tears welling and forgetting
Take it, just take it
Read it all the way through.

The Women of The Now & I
I feel like I could sleep for many moons
But we moon sisters, we seek to ink our limbs
With the love we have to give
I give him back his hat, say what I need to say
Forget the desire to wish you were more present.

Because this is just my temporary present
As women come in and view my apartment
Alabama sunlight soon will sing my name
As Chicago dances closer and closer to my stage.

Red twitching eyes
Gotta cancel the rest of the day, sleep sleep
Need all the dream clouds and relax time
I can muster.

All my lady friends, they say
Don't live off of tomorrows
And I remember The Betrayer and his promises of tomorrows
I did, I knew you and kissed you for a fleeting moment
Tore your apartment down, us together
An ending into a beginning
Watch you drive away, as you looked after me.

Choosing your life over a life of us together
I dance and did the same
But I can't and won't fight for you anymore.

You say you are around
You say I am so sorry
Never mean to abandon, disappoint
But robotic answers, I don't mess with them.

I want a man who holds my face in his palms
Not just temporarily
But dotes on me like a dove
Admires and encourages my brilliance
Twirls me like a little doll
Fights for and with me like a warrior
Stands next to me and my levitating wings.

I guess, yeah
I really hoped it would be you
But you gotta press some buttons
You are around, around, around
As the women around me
Our nostrils flare and we consume lattes
Setting the world on fire.

If I could hashtag how over it I am
Turn it into a jest, I can't stick up for you anymore
But I finger painted in so many--remember whens

But I just think of long platinum blonde hair
Of the black box Alabama theatre
As people would look at me and say
This one, she's gotta go
She's meant for more.

Black haired and eyelined
Searching, searching for a partner
I seem to always fall into the wrong ones
A Bonnie & Clyde bob, a strawberry blonde mane
Natural, dark for Eleanor
Long lioness hair.
And thats why it hurts so bad, I tell all my friends
I hoped you and mathematics might be different
But I don't hold onto tomorrow.

My Grandmother's spirit sprinkling
Bravery and beauty within me
Staring at her face as if it is my face
Would she curtsey to the woman I am now?

I don't know what I believe in
But I wanna make a million pieces of art--
Asking questions
And I do, I hope the hero that is meant to stand next to me
Just  will
But I, I live in the moment.

Knives held up to throats
And you see: Its really all just an elaborate joke.
Aw, shut up, you should just laugh.
But I think of knives held to throats

Of guns in the street

Of same *** marriage

Of alzheimer's disease
Of her experience, his experience
If we could press rewind, would we?

But lets place a glowing sword back in our belts
We could part our salivating lips to utter a thing
But just as words were seeming, dreaming of, formulating--
Light iron wings would spread from our shoulder blades
Grab a loyal person or two,
And take off.

But wait, we can see it so clearly,
Hold on, I'm sorry my vision is blurring--
Sounds echoing all around..
Convulsing, guttural noises
No, no point to question--
You see, its us who make those guttural noises
Its all us WOMEN, making those noises.

And if you were to hand us a canvas
All those violent colors would be thrown all over it
Theres a ripping, shredding, tear stained look
No one taught us in a book
What is too far?
What is a joke?
What is violence?
What IS love.

Mighty and made up of granite
The most lavish beaded fabric
Limbs outstretched to the sky.

They say the word stone has a multitude of meanings
What if we flew above it?

Fingers crossed, heart open
Once again, praying don't let this happen again.
Waking in the morning, a kick in my step
Old blue jean jacket and sweat
I fearlessly lead.
But I want the weather to be warmer
I want to be thinner
And I wish you hadn't turned out to be such a coward.

I know it really couldn't have been something
My insides yelling at me, why did you think otherwise
Long Eyelashes can say a million I love you's
But he's got those empty pockets and bachelor stare
While my eye twitches from all the caffeine
And all the goodbyes I hear.

I fear bitterness could easily take hold
Everyone works it out with their significant other
But I film myself on my screen
Let me give myself peace.

I threw your tshirt and scarf away with a rush
In the dumpster of my court yard today
Red cartoon swirls around my head
Videogames, wasted words, late nights
Feeling like I was better
All for nothing.

I wish I had known you too,
Would end up being such a loser.
And I hate to feel angry.
Its not really my style
But can't a girl catch a break?

Seems like the universe demands no man sustain
My heart, while everyone chimes in
I am a warrior, fearless, and goodness
But why, why, why

I have started to hate my house
I have grown tired of the same place
But I try to swallow these past few hours of bitterness
Too much to do.

Haven't even touched Slaughtering April Fools
But I know I must, planning an Alabama runaway
It always comes in when needed.
But why did I put my future and hopes out there
Just let me please book this sweet thing, let this come through
Show me universe my path is aflame.

A wind cascading out
I hold my own hand, once again
24 years young, I sometimes
Have to tell my parents to give me space

I have never been a believer in regret
Two months and I will really
Look around with newfound eyes
Soak it up, my empty hand
I rise to any and all occasions.

Who knew you could be so stupid?
Who knew I could have wrapped myself into
A fantasy of never gonna happen.
I told myself in Chicago, in Chicago
Now I kick myself and wish I had been wiser.

Brown soy sauced rice
Bitter eyes
But everyone says, I put so much good going into the world
A witness to your life, I can't help but long for.

Everything costs me $15, barely got that $15 to spare
But I sit and eat lunch with the big dogs
They can eat their pricey ricotta and 7 dollar bagels
But I sip a cheap cappuccino
Everyone tells me--broke is a temporary state.

We gotta fill this table with art
Wait hold on, shut up, we gotta go through the list
You bring the forks, I'll bring the knives
I plan the biggest party this city has ever seen
While I wish I could shake some sense into you.
But I can't and don't even want you
Anymore.

If you can't soak up my past
If you can't kiss the wounds
I pour onto any canvas I can find
Don't ever bother, calling me.

Is it the blue eyes?
Or the way I despise and play tricks
On every man, I think will leave.
But I chug green tea,
Do myself a favor
A whirlwind until the windy city.

You will find him,
You need a powerhouse--like you
You need someone who sees your brilliance
Someone who is in awe of you
Your essence
Beautiful folks whisper and dance
Around me, telling me
Thank you for showing me, it ain't you.

But
We got some pretty, big things
I rolled and kissed and expressed
With my paint brush
Can't let anything slow me down.

I need to do about 500 things
Hours passing by so fast
Lets be on our way to okay
Flashes of moments that I thought meant so much
I thought you might be a mirage.

Maybe, maybe
You and all the men before you
Maybe right now
I need to see only mirages
Because the green and gold beaded shawl
Is within *me

I guess I got the answer I needed.
If we cover enough of our faces in paint
Will you take me home, frame me on your wall?

I wish I hadn't been so wrong.
A shield, armor, and sword bare my middle name
Sirens on heavy rocks, singing next to me
I hoped it would be you.

But I guess, I knew all along
Just this morning, I remembered your hesitance
For my art work.
You only wanted to read the poems about you
Every time I explained artistry and palettes
You seemed confused, belittling
"Thats really...heavy."
You didn't want to watch my past
Or embrace the way I contrast
Against the decorations of your life.

So I guess I got the answer I needed.
A coward caught up in his computer screen.
I just wanted to mean, everything.
I guess I always do.
Because I leave my mark,
And swim on.

Mama says its gotta be another woman
An exotic, woman she's gotta have something I don't
But the women of the now and I
We shake our heads at this old school type of thought
Like the wrecking ***** in power suits
Only strong brave men, can waltz next to.

I guess I wish my fears hadn't come true
But it only felt so good to kiss and love
A computer screen a little bit.
I am not really sure why everyone else holds hands
But I choose to keep myself from settling.

I know I leave
Don't have time for folks that give cowardly answers
Or women that assume its another woman
Or ex boyfriends who just want me for the weekend

I get my name in that paper,
Paint myself like a beastly swan doll
If you thought you could take me down
Or think less of me
You got nothing at all.

I yell at the ceiling sometimes,
Get me the **** out of this place.
But soon in time.
It all feels impossible
Like I am out on my own
But thats because I am.

So I dry my face,
Know that this is not my end destination
It never was.

I stand at the center of the stage
My black cape
Long swan limbs and I
No man could ever take away.