I woke up this morning
It was difficult to greet the sun
My phone kept chirping and burping
The world is calling you.

I whispered to myself as I made my bed this morning
"Day 3."
There was a time you helped me,
Helped me make my bed
But the toxicity and oil of your love
Became too overflowing
That I walked into a cave
Of half way.

But it was the nicest one you proclaimed
I made a sign just now
Taped it to the back of the door
"Begin Again"
Hold True.
Trust the journey.
Day 3 of releasing you.
Of releasing me.

And I don't care if you respond
To my brilliance, my freedom
I don't care if you are angry
Or if you pine through alcohol and dance
Because you only brought me down.

The 9 pairs of eyes turn in unison
Asking me to not forget them
I never could.

I don't want to throw it all to the wolves
It was not all for not
But the look on your face on the Chicago train
Told me everything I needed to know
Even though my voice betrayed me
"This isn't over yet."
But what if I just fully allow it to be?

So the sun shines outside
Its gonna be cold
Its gonna be hard
Its gonna have moments of loneliness
But thank God, thank God
I got my power back.

I was so strong in momentary moments
Lets maintain that fierceness
7 days until I fly away
To continue to pursue what I'm meant to do
Writing that line just now made my eyes swell up
I got so caught up in it all.

But what a beautiful thing
Of course I did
As you chased me, lassoed me in with unrealistic promises
The *** my darling
Was good
But I love me too ******* much.

So lets stay and keep it true
Lets hold onto our own devices this time
The world is full of color and invitation around me
I hate to let you go
I hate that you can't keep up
I'm sure your eyes will peek around corners
To see where I fly next
But my darling, my little baby darling
I wanted so badly to teach
Repeat, kindness
It was never
Ever enough
For lil ole Southern fighting
Masochistic, glamorous, brave
******* me.

And now theres really nothing else that remains
I ripped the bright orange post it
In half and it was as if smoke clouds
Confetti and wisps of suns bursting into flames
Floated from the pieces of the page
After I crumpled it in my hand
As though the curse, or spell
Had at last, broken free.

I emailed the prettiest brightest email
I could muster up.
My room mate showed me flurry of messages
Celebrating, lets not acknowledge
The obvious
"If she wants to go, let her"
One of the girls replied
So I did
I went and I went and I went.

Nothing now remains
I'll wash off all the residue for the final time
Tomorrow morning
A day to grieve, comprehend
I almost burnt up all my chicken tonight again
But I saved it at the last minute
We drop money on ****.

I think a lot of the reason I held on
Was to feel less alone
In this unfamiliar, vast city.

But I embrace the strangeness
But its really not so strange
I'll return to my old stomping grounds
Happily, without you by my side
No need to compete or make sure
You like or see my face on social media
A hundred and two times
Because I'm back to doin' me.

So eloquent
You once said in response
Brilliant
Too brilliant for my own good
All that remains now is moving forward.

My heavy burnt and bleeding wings flap
One by one, we lift ourselves off of the ***** ground
The ground that caught me in lack of self worth, shame
And we fly like
I fly like
Without looking back.

Snow drifts and piles up in cake like clouds
Running outside is not a realistic option on this day
I cannot help but wonder what you must be saying
Playing, trying to move past my face, my eyes.

I stop searching, leaning on validation
You perhaps kiss another's lips
I wonder how many times you have texted me
But I will never know.

Gotta stay strong with my choice
It was so hard for you to stop and say
And free me for the final time
You knew what it meant if you did
But it looked and felt so good for you to look in my eyes--
You expressed, because you just--
You enjoy my company so much.

I wonder when I will hit the brink
Of not writing or having you take up my insides
My mother and room mate yell at the heavens
About what you have done to my soul, my brain
Polluted me, damage
When we all thought
We all hoped
We all knew, I think.

I don't wanna do anything today
I wanna go hit the town tonight
I'll never send you another poem
Ever again.

What a relief.

I wept and circulated
Believing that was me, thats me
I don't know why I have found myself here so many times
But I pick myself back up
Driving and flying past
Your little "ugly mug"
On the train
And your mouth twitched
As I left.

If I hadn't
If I didn't
In two weeks time
You'd be right back in my bed again.

I don't want to be your friend.

I don't know what else there is to say
Perhaps nothing at all.
Everyone around me salutes
I wish it was all clean and safe
We tried and we tried
I tried.

I'm so sick
And I'm so tired
I'm so just done
I stop crawling out of the little lost lagoon
Walking away only to return again
Fighting and needing reassurance
From 9 pairs of eyes
I don't wanna be your manager
I don't wanna be your girlfriend
I don't wanna be your "nothing better yet"


Because I'm everything.

Its the end of February
Officially 10, 10, 10
Adding me back, 3 I bebop on out
I can't help that there is a deep part of myself
That hopes for you to be wounded.

I don't know why you even asked what I was doing tonight
I brush and shove away the weakness and sadness in your face
The love, the need
That you and you
And you and you
Because it was always about you
You said Lady Gaga last night gave a "subpar" performance.

"You ruin everything."
I said at the end of my night
Via technology
Theres this level of depth and fight
That we could never work past
That you could never work past
Lost little boy. Lost little boy.

It wounded my soul and my heart
To delete, delete, delete
But I had to this time.

Can't keep hanging on by a thread
I don't want to see you this week
"Under different conditions"
Adding me back, adding me back, adding me back
I sweetly say
Let me go.

I let myself go.
I don't care if its ******* dramatic
I don't care if tomorrow I'll regret it
Because I don't believe in regret
And pouring out all that red wine
Was the most I've felt in a long time.

You claimed in the past
I would get a new boyfriend
And you would never see me again.


You are probably right.
Heres hoping.

My chicken on the vegetable plate I just prepared is getting cold
I write with no music
One of the longest yet
I warned you.
Regardless of where or how you lay your head
I know. You know. We
No, no we.
You were never my we.
This past week, moments involving right now, my path
They all shook my hand, pulled me aside
To tell me that I'm headed in the right direction
That I'm the kind of person they are looking for
Went so far as to say I'm a genius, a revelation
But you had to be the first to tell me you said so
In all those other synonyms.

I think, I was right in my instinct today
My instinct of showing up, face to face
You wouldn't have dealt with it
Any other way, telephone syndrome
Little boy, lost little boy
Syndrome.

I shredded up your note, dumped out all the red wine
You love to give and take away, all of the time
Your mouth twitched tonight
You stared and looked at me
As if you may never see me again
"Your eyes look tired today"
But I looked cool, you said
I scrounged around on hot coffee and deviled eggs
I sat at the table for about 4 hours
I look back now, I made so much progress
Anxiously waiting for you to come downstairs
You couldn't even stop by to say hello
You told me I could come outside if I wanted.

We rode on the train
I stopped you a couple of times in the freezing street
Thinking maybe, weakness and your love
Filling and driving your face
But you had stayed up late in the night
Drank too much
After you stopped answering me
Told your best friend, who kissed me on the lips
Which now seems like centuries ago
And decided once again
Decided once again
Decided once again
LOOP LOOP LOOP
LOOP LOOP LOOP
LOOP LOOP LOOP
Dear God, Layne Marie
He told me he was so sorry "Layne"
On the train.
My name is *******
Layne Marie.

Can that just be it?
Can we really just be done now?
Little green jacket, your chest hair peeking out
You looked at me as if I was gone forever
"And then the swan flew away"
You said you would tell your children someday
I'm a fable, I'm a tale
And thats all I will ever really be to you.

I removed myself from the group
I cut ties like syringes filled with *******
It wasn't enough that you held my face
That one night in February.

You stopped commenting on my poetry
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how MUCH
I stapled or repainted my face, or us
I never saw another poetic thought out of you.

I knew I had to go
I knew I had to be through
As I called you on the phone one last time
And you had trained yourself to sound so removed
Another woman from your past, you intend to be around
Tonight, something may happen, something may not
You called me two days ago to reassure me
To reassure me
To reassure me
LOOP LOOP LOOP
Stuck in reverse
Stuck in reverse
Stuck in reverse.

I didn't have anything sharp enough
So I scratched myself good with some tweezers today
Before my little interview which of course went so well
Before sitting and waiting for death
For the death of us
For the death of us.

Long overdue
Me flying, and flying away
Was so long overdue
I've been here, and I've been here
And I've begged you to really see me
Your eyes looked so sad on the train
But your voice convinced us both
To walk away.

I got off the train
I didn't look back at you until right before I walked through the doors
You tried to look pleasant
Like this wasn't the end of the end
I know exactly what my face looked like
Old Hollywood sorrow mixed with swan freedom.

My mother says we will look back and laugh at this
At you and how I lost myself in the storm of newness
But I wish you all goodness
But dear Zak,
My God, I was and am Captain Hook
Thats never going to change
As I step off the train
You remain, a swan tattooed to your ankle
To remember the most romantic love of YOUR
Life.
Loop. Loop. Loop.
3 times the charm.


She flew the coop
And with fury and drive
Went her own way.

I've had two things to eat today
Composed of coffee, composed of coffee
I sit by the window sill of where you work
Hoping its okay for you to see my face
My legs and my heart brought me here today.

I spent the morning crying on the phone
Another soul lost, another soul lost
You fought me over text messaging
I called myself a little white poor *****.

Goodnight, goodnight
I wish I was a member to everything
I start to really matter in this community
A man told me last night
"People naturally gravitate towards you."
White little shawl
Ink dripping from my mouth
So many options, so many things to do
I cried on the telephone this morning
Another beautiful soul lost.

This coffee is really ******* great
My stomach has been so empty the past two days
Words just flow and erupt from me
There is never enough time
But at the same time I wait for everything to start
I breathe in and breathe out
Be grateful be so grateful
Another soul lost today.

Live on, fight through it
My room mate heard me yelling into my towel in the shower
She flew out of the apartment so fast
So fast, its hard to feel supported
When the ugliness within me fights to be seen, heard
Marilyn Monroe aligns our walls
Yet.

I have about 89 things I should be doing right now
But I needed to write it out
Everyone thinks I'm so brave, so brave
Attending parties alone
Men in this world have zero to zero tact.


I fight through it
Not just a pretty picture
Cuz another beautiful soul lost today.

I started spring before the windy city
Quite released itself to the power of floral
5am nights, jump and whistle in the lights
Slap my face hard a million times
If it gets your face and demeanor
Out of my whirling head.

This smoothie I made today isn't my best work
Orange zest cayenne pepper my face
Tequila and mix the mixes
Like a little sea ******' witch
I float in a boat of my own desire.

Lets keep her tame, remain
Mine in such a way he must think
As he rolls dice in my direction
But my eyes were always looking
Above your head.

DJ gotta give rough kisses
Men talk too much.

The sun shines and greets my hung over
Body and face
I think my room mate is not a morning person
Neither am I.

Everyone got birthdays happening all around me
It makes me ponder breadth and depth
Newness
"You are a revelation"
A film critic tells me
But I remain with my coffee lip stained mug

I wonder how your night was
I peek and seek that you have seen
Snaps from my hard night out
I gotta exercise, exercise
I try not to get caught up in the details
But you've got so much free time this week
You would like to hang
You would like
You would like
You would like

I don't wanna fight.

Last night was top 5 best nights in Chicago
Its been a minute since I felt that
Got that vibe, got that groove
I purge and strike you out of my mind
Until you next seek the palm of my hand
I shake it out, off, around
I'm really


Really a very lucky woman.

Well I'm ****** as ****
Lookin' just like a military pin up school *****
Eaten' that unicorn lovin'

At a standsill,
Furry little bunny rabbits, I crouched down
Late into the night in my red high heels
Eye to eye
Eye to eye
I to I.

You didn't answer my calls last night
Loop, loop, as if forever on the same rollercoaster ride
But you give love, care
"My life revolves around me!"
I run and I plunge
I already knew just that baby.

I don't know what the **** I'm doing half the time
I don't know that I ever have
3 weeks can't come soon enough
But I plot and I plan
Gathering and sliding through nature
Eye to eye.

Colors and pavement surround me
Somedays I am so open
My heart bursting like flames of fire
So eager, so full
While the little lost girl inside me
Still looks the other way
Time to time.

My face looks tired today
I haven't had *** yet this week
****** visceral creature
I know what it all means
I know exactly what it all means
Now can I just let myself go, just be free
No need to rinse, repeat
Or say a **** thing
Just open, open, open
Release, release
Ain't gonna change him, ain't gonna stop him
But I can continue to fly free.

Waiting for phones to ring or to hear a yes
I threw away $50 dollars last night
Just because I could
But I barely got food in the fridge.

I was thinkin' last night
In the crowded room
Roomie says we at that city chic life
Ain't nobody lookin' to settle down
So many options, click click
Swipe right, swipe right
We got so many options
I tell myself this mornin'
Don't plan or think to see him
Focus on your night out.

But I know that sweet drunk dial you will give
You were so disappointed you couldn't come by this week
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want
Mid twenties crisis.

My Philly girlfriends will never totally quite get it
They've found their people, their person
Love has met its maker, its match
I guess I thought or I did
I have fallen and been chased
An abundance of times
But it just was always, always
So wrong.

I feel like I have written and written
The exact same words
For 9 months almost 10
Loop, loop, loop
So worried about the future
Looking and waiting for things
To fall into place


**** it.

If I compiled a pile or list of
All the painted skeletons
Of yesterday, 7 years ago
It would look just like a
Heap of
Me.

So many ***** in the air
A man at a festival meeting comments
My gold nail polish looks ******* stupid
I think sometimes I am just the worst
Just the worst.

Standing in front of vats of permeating grilled carnage
I serve and I serve, but its never enough
Its never enough
Glutten on a broomstick
I gaze out at the windows teasing me
But the gloom like the X-acto knife I wrote
And carved just how I felt
My room mate and I both wear sadness today we say.

The women around me also all seem to be in a fuss
I pondered the shadowed moon last night
Looking for answers, solutions
The signal on my cell phone to my mother
Holds strong underground
I stick up for you, I still stick up for you.

A frenzy of beautiful moments
I replayed and watched them all in my head
My hands and body intertwined with grease
Just how you look down at me
As your body and my body
Long and search for the answers.

Hearing nothing but poetic phrases
Wishing my mind could record just like
Ink on parchment
My God, I do wish I had it all figured out
As unrealistic as that all may be.

Snap chatting singular moments
I grapple with money signs flashing across my face
Mama and Papa are just so glad, so glad they say
I don't do that dancin' game
To get by.

So insanely busy, we pontificate our schedules
As if butterflies and the fact I almost just deleted this
Entire poem by accident
Mattered at all.

"MY woman" A male friend of mine corrected me
But I only jested
I only spoke in jest
I'm the jester, I'm the self destructive clown
The beautifully tragic clown
With the crooked sly grin
Turning and covered in chicken grease.

I'm not ******* special
I'm not special that I hustle and work those day jobs
I'm not ******* special
I tell myself to get through mornings
Tag teaming and gang ******
Just how I lessen myself every time I look for
Validation.

Remember how you use to respond to me in poetry?
I cannot tell you how much I miss those days
It was the only thing that ever made any
Any ******* sense to me
I still pine and yearn for those times
When I felt like the ball had been bounced back to me
In such an unexpected way
But you, you went away so far
You buried your heart in the dirt
But they aren't because of issues you say.

I'm not angry, I'm not hurt
You have been so good, so sweet this past week
It just took, it took me once again
I turned to you on the street
My hair whispering in the wind
You grabbed me and held me
Like a sea otter would
My tentacles and tendrils mystifying you
But you stopped splashing the water back
Though sometimes in those singular moments
I catch you contemplating the pitter patter and swirls
Of the ocean around us we wish we had answers to.

Betrayer is moving away from NYC
"Seems so"
He said to me
He use to tie up my wrists so well
Comparing me to ****** and trinkets in the street
I don't know that we will ever see each other again.

My poems have been getting longer and longer
You comment, but I know that sentence is so much more loaded
I gotta go be a person, I gotta go do
I gotta stop getting in my own way
And I am so, so very relieved
That we are good
Lets please stay good.

Your eyes looking down at me
As your skin and moments we treasure
When we make love,
Everything else around us washes away
Engulfed in our elaborate unity
If only we could hold and treasure it
Here, here
Here here
Here, here
Hear
Her.

Smelling just you, smelling just like me
Unity, combined
Sweat, love, tears
Pointed and secreted into released endorphins
2 times, 4 times, 7, you said with a smile
I don't turn on any lamp today in my room
The sun giving me plenty and shining in my face.

Crocodile, maybe actually alligator
Sweatshirt, looking just like a 14 year old
Playful blonde haired boy
Your long board still in my room
I explain by not explaining
I cannot torture or stress over our complexities
But just like a little movie
I sat in the dark of your bedroom
Only a white crop top, black lace stockings
White see through *******
On my knees, I wound the swan music box
I watched it twirl and hum a slight lament
The dark coldness of The Lost Boys basement
And wondered why it is what it is.

So much love, so much connection
You wrap your arms around me just like
Just like
Falling asleep in your white tennis shoes
I'm there for you, I'm so there for you
Tears welling up in the line of the night club
"Baby its okay. Don't go"
You said, your little boy face
Blotchy from redness
My fringed skirt getting so much attention
So much attention
But you grab me and twirl me away from danger.

Is that maybe what it is?
Are we meant to be that
Rolling around in our own dust
Philadelphia baseball cap
We then twirled and watched the swan music box
Together, our own secrets, images
Floating and dancing
Together but so separate.

I fell asleep last night so deeply
Thinking and repeating, I don't mind
I don't mind, I don't mind
I know no one will ever mean what I mean
Despite kisses, dates, or ***
Romance has drained you
You can't be what you were for me
Any time soon.

No one gets it.
No one understands the attraction, affection
I'm the most real with myself
In complete solitude.

"We never know when we will see each other next."
I worked it out through foreshadowing tears
Knowing it would take 5 years for you to get there
As we play, jump, and skip through bed sheets
Be my sweet sweet sweet
Friend.

In time.
Our palms match and mismatch
You touch me like I was never gone
I stand next to you like you never wounded me
With our Ninja Turtle marks
And my never ending sighs
We will
I will
Figure it out in time.

But its like
Are we waiting, hurting
You buy tickets for July
Lets not feel pain
Lets not wound with licks and deceit
Spring has sprung I want to think
I redefine and try to control my life
But I let it go into the sun, the wind
I don't have the answers
I never seem to.
My nose expecting and surprised
But its not really for me
But its 6am
And you beg me to lie next to you.

I love you.
My God, I love you so ******* much
Through all the strife, fantasies, lies
I love you.
I would do anything for you.
And I could or would write the word "but" right now
No need. No need.
I live and I live, without expectation


Giving myself over to me.

I am not going to sit here and cry in this ******* coffee shop.
Eyes welling up, dark red lips
You wanted to come crawl into the moon with me
2am, but you gotta go back
Go back and get Candy
Am I always an after thought?

I know thats not it.
You know thats not it.
Flighty. Selfish. Indulgent.
Excuses, excuses, excuses
If I painted a road map of every crevice and turn
Of every vein and mistake
You have made along the way
I would be covered in stop signs and traffic lights.

I whip out poetic antics in less than a minute
Harvesting newness, paintings
I'm so strong, I'm so strong.
Ain't nobody that can give me catharsis.

I can't teach you anymore.
I can't babysit, I don't know where your mama is
And how or why you don't seem to know
How to properly treat a woman of my caliber.

I want things to get better
I woke up this morning wishing you were next to me
Hanging up, drunk dial
Cancel plans like they don't mean a thing
Dropping to the floor
Just like I'm Trigger Happy Dagger all over again
You betray and dismay me
Just like scars on my wrist didn't mean a thing
To you.
All my warrior women chime and howl
"I just know he's not worth all this pain."

My body recently
Has been dripping, sensation
Longing and waiting
You prefer me as a pretty magazine picture
I've been trying to trap the desire, the need
As you repeat and repeat
How little you act like you need me.

I don't know why I try
Mama says she's think I want to save you, help you.
But I can barely save myself.
You don't even have the follow through to send me a poem
"I will"
You said.
You said
You say
You claim
Its all just ******* words.

I'm not gonna cry in this ******* coffee shop.

Just take me out to dinner
Invite me along
Call me on the telephone
Lie in my bed
Hold my face in your hands
Be my friend
Love me like you know you do.

My pulsing heart can't take anything else.

"Do you know how much I love you?"
You whispered with such soft intensity
In my ear, as we waited for the blue line
The night of several nights
We wanted, we tried
To hang on,
Redefine
But we could still do our own thing
We said.

I know deep in the fires of the now
That if I was still hanging on
My heart would be dwindling
Even more than it does today.

Moments of such relief, strength
I look around me and I see
That you are not meant to be right by my side.

But today, in the gloomy snow fall
One of my room mates barely talks to me at all
But I don't really give a ******* ****.

I should go exercise
Release some positivity
My right eye still slightly twitching
I wish I didn't long for you so much today.

I wonder if you feel the same
I know, from recovering old poems
This too shall pass.

Cracks in my heels
Sometimes I feel as if I have no purpose
Didn't wanna do dinner with the actor last night
Embracing solitude, no obligation
But ******* I miss you today.

But I release into it, into the wind
Knowing there is a sense of validation, worthiness
I will never fully gain from you
So I stop searching, looking
Acknowledge the gloomy snow fall
And move forward.

My eyelids feel as if they had the option
Opportunity, they would close and close.

Dancing in a cloud of 5am Chicago forgetfulness
My nose sniffly from that new hit experience
My dark haired girlfriends with matching names
I remember my first time hanging out in that space
So fresh, so new, so caged.

Valentine, sweet sweet
My ex and I text, flirt at times
I play with the past by jostling my top
Giving that lap dance to a stranger
You think my name is Zelda
Little bit of Legend
Legend Fitzgerald.

I made you a video this morning
My boxed media experience of heart shaped chocolate
I wished this morning we could watch Candy
Have all that love and all that ***
Just like we talked and fantasized about
At one point
Or twelve
Maybe fourteen
In time.

Too busy
I'm too busy people say
It snows outside my windows
I talk to myself often, I find myself
Wondering with a strip of slight worry
That I look like a freak in my 6 dollar too big
Purple winter coat
Talking myself through where I was at
At exactly this time last year.

Just got talked into downloading Snap Chat
I remember the night I deleted it
And why.

I can't lie
I am afraid to see what you do or say
I dance fearlessly in just socks
Or my steel toe boots
I remember you use to tell me you had a pair as a kid
And I secretly never believed you.

Happy Valentines
We say, we all say
Women and men
Lets support and love
Letting go of whats not so good


****.
I'm so tired.

Cam corder fresh in wet palms
Defining sexuality, freedom
So little. So young.

Hit record, lets dance.

Brown lipstick mouthes
Lets be so grown up
You probably played with legos
I just wanted to kiss all the boys
Run in the fancy woods barefoot
Red Jetta as I got older
I still find myself lying next to men
Casting spells.

Free coffee at an interview
I've got 20 dollars to my name
What glamour, what glamour.

I wrap all my ex-boyfriends in copper spiderwebs
Chucking them through hoops of fire
Only to watch them drown at the bottom
Of cold Lake Michigan.

A couple cuddles with no hours ticking by
A few feet away from me
"Real Deal"
"Real Deal"
"You're the Real Deal"
A boy said to me last night
A legacy, I've got one he said
Everything is stupid
Everything is beautiful.

This song makes me feel like a rebellious teen again
Breaking through windows
Texting my child hood crush
I didn't know how the hell to wear black eyeliner
I lined and lined and over drew my eyes
The darker the better I thought
Alcohol poisoning, Alabama sunshine
Drunk driving on the weekends
I'm 18 I swear
A girlfriend and I lied, bathing together
In sensual forbidden fruit.

Dating apps, meeting in person
Everyone got somethin' to ******' say
I could dive off of this balcony right next to me

SPLAT.
Pink and purple paint
Would cover the room
Red and emerald green
Rising from the ashes.

Billboards selling us
Selling us all
Loud music echoing through my girlhood ceiling
Not much has really changed.

"Khaleesi"
He said above me, warm wet kisses
Newness, forgetfulness
Riding in the back of a cab
Icy wind howls in my chapped
Pink rubbed from whiskers face
Heading home.

I'd rather slumber alone
Lavender Collins, tastes just like
Memory a time or two
Papa sat across from me
I felt so happy, so content
A streak of turquoise in my hair.

Flashes of you haunting and corrupting my mind
I blink them away, internal moments to myself
"U ok?"
The boy lying behind me asks

Formation, everybody gotta say something
Women all around expressing themselves
Black Lives Matter, Black Lives Always Mattered
Is the real truth
Now we argue credit where credit is due
But you don't know his or her interpretation
Stacy Dash always got somethin' ignorant to say
But let all the people
Of all the love
Hold one another, with ease and might
Run free.

People say I'm brave
I think I sigh most of my days away
Flapping painful thoughts away
I wonder where you err tonight.

Just like we were a Shakespeare sonnet
Or like all the times I put myself in harms way
Because I haven't always been so brave.

February.
New beginnings, always
The first year is weird
I heard tonight
Smoking **** till our lungs
Fill up like pantyhose stuffed with the most sensual buttercups and four leaf
Cloves.

I wish I could forget
I wish I could forget it all
I worry at times how long the thought of your face. Words you said. Moments and breaths. The way you held me underneath you and said my name
So rarely
But when you did
Oh when you did.

But the wrongness of it all echoes
As I consider sending you this poem
And decide to fuel my heart, my blood
My love with it
Instead.

I say goodnight to my empty beside
Tonight.

Fake plastic beads endow my wrist
Mascara-less lashes, lamp crown on my head
One of the tallest girls in the room.

I've got so much going for me
I've got the world at my finger tips
But my heart aches and whispers your name
Still today.

I thought, lets all be real cool
Like, drink that whiskey up
Fill up our tombs
You can't respond back to that text message picture
I thought we might bond over how I look
But you chose not to reply.

Technology is an angel and a demon
Appearing like vignettes on my shoulders
Too proud to seek out
But falling asleep in false lashes on my bed
Reminds me of all the times I waited in lingerie
And the Betrayer chose NYC, instead.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."
The Betrayer said, his grin must have been filled
With diamonds and mice
Building mines within those rigged white teeth
Blue eyes so dangerous, I drown myself any time
I ask for him to lick my blood
But I'll be in New York City so soon
Perhaps we will have those intense
Fleeting moments
Of laughing in the streets, holding each other
Laughing like Goose & Duck
So very in love
Tie me up and cut me up just like you use to
But its me that does the leaving in the end
But you predicted we had this 3 more times
In our future
Maybe I need to spice up the pain I've felt in Chicago.

*******.
I'd never been told such a thing till
Peter Pan with his ringlets of flowers
And lemon orange filled lies covered in dust
Pointed it out, just like all of the thousands of times
He made me feel insignificant.

Its amazing how another human being can have the power
To do such a thing
I drink coffee in bed this morning
My face becomes my business card
Going on dates with interesting
But the wrong men
For now, I look down at my invisible clock
In order to represent the urgency of time
But the mundane invisible quality to it all
My God, I miss Philadelphia.

What an easier time that all was
As I bebopped around the corners of the city
There were only so many places to go,
Only so many people to see
My little apartment now belongs to another element
Of the harmful and heartbreaking past
Will I ever fully recover?

A gluten for punishment
I get so caught up in the pain, the heartbreak
Imaginative, paranoid, sensitive
Its what makes me a true artist
Many exclaim
But I take apart the pieces
The confetti filled feelings
Examine them, order a slice of pie to go
And I know I've gotta dance in the forest like fire
Even if we didn't get to that take.

I want so much more
Than you could
Than any of you could ever
Ever did
Give me.
But just like that I remember the big sweaters
My hair black, that Halloween show
I feel like I have spent my life sad about some man.

But I have these moments
Where I think, surely he is going through the same
If not much worse
And I do think thats true
As Peter Pan scrapes and grapples past the memories of me
Moments of wanting to be good he shows
But he will always choose
He always did
The option that makes me feel the most alone.

So I let him.
As other women around me are less strong
Less brave with their supposed convictions
I don't judge, but I recognize
The cave of lost love is a maze
At some points in life you might be brave enough
To leap in and leap out
But Peter Pan,
You have found yourself a spot
Gutted it, stuffed it with Winnie The Poo & Ninja Turtle
Colored it with silly string and batches of *****
And its me now that has to walk out
Without looking back
At the world I can shake hands with
But not dwell.

I don't really know what I want.

But I discipline my soul, my heart
Steadfast, stay steadfast.

I watched and played back the footage
Trying to make footage of it all
I felt so strong, so over it all
You wanted to try and feed me,
Take care
Take care
My red dress and flaming legs
Suddenly, less remarkably apathetic.

It looks like you haven't read any messages lately
And I get to a certain point in the night
Where have to think, see, realize
You are probably with
Another one.

I wish it didn't bother me at all
I don't know why you are in such a rush
Its so painfully clear you aren't ready
Can't calm down, stick to it
Why rush? Whats the hurry?
I reside and take stills, give myself time
When I need and want it
But I think you secretly compete
Try to match what you think I'm doing
But you'll always try to come after
To try and take care of me.

But I don't need it
And I don't want it.
As I laugh in that witchy silly way
My girlfriends eyes glimmering in the natural sunlight
Baffled at what I was drawn to in you.

I have moments, hours
Of feeling mostly just so relieved
But as the day crept on today
I found it harder and harder
To not reach out.

"You should"
You invited me to come along
I guess you'll always want that
I wonder and ponder how you see me
In your mind.

Giving yourself away
Giving myself away
I flirted so on the prowl
With my waiter late last night
I scrawled my number and a heart on the receipt
Glad to walk away and watch you go.

I wish you would just stop
You know you can't handle it
But you still wanna blame me on the cell phone
Showing up to play out what destroyed us.


I have so much to do
I make so little money
I drank my insides up this time last year
I think I was slightly happier?
Was it because I had love at the time?
Technological dreaming
Only to end in a blurry haze
I hit the pavement
Velvet long blonde hair
My face reflecting in your sunglasses
Just like the day I snapped pictures
So perfect, it was so perfect


Only to have me wondering into the night
Why you are in such a rush.

I just wanna lay down and disappear.

Always fighting, standing, voicing
I worry about the ones unable to truly converse
Fight alongside me.

Accused of selfishness
Blame me, its easier to feel threatened
But you want a piece of the pie
Just on your own time
Sometimes I just want to disappear.

No wonder I am so jaded at times
A bitterness and narrowness to my eyes
Couldn't wait for my date to walk the other way
Drunk in the kitchen, motivational talk
But then I had to try to call you
The wrong comfort can only make you smaller
Sometimes.

People love to hate
They hate to love
You want more money, expect me to make
This with no salary
Horrified by not a single award given away
To a woman of color
But lets line up all the white men
Lets beg them to make a spot for us
She says or he says
As I long to smash it all to the ground
My God, it can make you feel so alone
Am I the only one in this circle
Lifting others up?

But no, thought of as selfish
Small scale, to blame for mistakes
If we were meant to work out
You could have committed my dead relationship says
I stare down at the corpse your silliness,
Your youth
Trying to really and truly absorb positivity
Watch you leave tomorrow with ease.

My God, let a man with a brain find me
In the trenches with a palette of paint
Wise, strong, brave
Only seeking to hand in hand
Be resilient with me.

Giant bowl of pasta in my lap
Such moments of passion, enthusiasm
So glad to walk out the door.

But ****.
Its those small moments, that make you miss
I know you feel it too.

Crippling, crippling
You said it was.
Happy small moments
But the moments could not and did not
Sustain me
I wrote a thousand poems, you read
Almost them all
And no matter what I tried to do with my art
My words, I couldn't make us work.

A girlfriend looked deep in  my eyes last night
In between sips of red wine
And she said: "You have been here for 9 months. You are a BABY. A newborn baby."
I wish I wasn't so ******* myself.

I spent 9 months trying to make it work
I spent 9 months digging my hands into the earth
Saying and whispering
Maybe this time, maybe now
On days where we had no plans
Or I did not hear from you
My life felt less livable.

I couldn't do it anymore
I couldn't continue to bake and create
Be my best self
With the misery of knowing this was going no where
You could.
You wanted to.
To just keep a piece of me
Even if it was just a little
But I walked out the door
Finally.

I wish I could tie up all of my feelings in a string
Of ribbons, bows, woes
Make sense of them all and release them into the sky
I know I will so deeply thank myself in time.

Tough lovin'
I've known the truth all along
But I needed to rewrite it a bit
I felt so thrown away, so forgotten
I know you must
I know you must
I know you must

What does it ******* matter.
So I run through the hail
I lipstick my face
I paint my hair blonde as the moon
Silver like the hail and ice outside
I burn and I roast
Rising above what we could never be.

Talking over wine, hours and hours
Of relating, philosophizing
My life is so ******* beautiful.

I know you will be there
In your little suit, a smile on your face
Chipper, your face red from the night before
It kills me that my friends have so little good to say
About you
About us.

But I wave goodbye to it all
Like a princess bride
Professional, kind, distant
We will be friends in time
But mama's gotta get back out there
Mama has too much to do
Mama has to grow out of infancy.

You would place your hand on my stomach
As you made love to me
Fantasizing, you would say
Intoxicating to dream
But I look those dreams
Your dreams
In the face

And I wash them away
I light a fire to them
Rising above the flames.

8 hours ago
I can't wait till I don't give a ******* ****.

I slept so little last night
As my blankets all washed into the night
Soaking, sopping wet
I slept with sheets and one blanket
I dreamed of being so cold.

I wonder what your dreams were filled with last night
It would be so easy to reach out to you today
To apologize, to say lets work this out
But I cannot.

Most of the moments that I have experienced
Since relieving myself of this
Has been immense relief.

I replayed in my mind, rewind
The last few times we were together
Little plaid skirt pulled up,
You sneaking peeks at me on the bus
I told you I adored you
You made sure I was okay when I blacked out in your bedroom
My nails are painted so yellow now.

Holding me in the morning
I said your name in my sleep
As if knowing or longing
To leave.

I walked out the door of your house
Not for the last time
But for the last time I would allow myself
To be in the palm of your hands.

I remember briskly walking into the sunshine
Make up from last night so smeared
You were so insistent about seeing me that night
Only to fall through, but make plans
With another
At your next convenience.

I guess I get it
No, I actually really don't.

I couldn't hang.
Its really as simple as that.

I tried to play the game, spin the bottle
Chess pieces, checkers, scrabble
But mid game
I jumped out of the cab
But didn't come back.

You said you would have spent the rest of the night
Looking for me in the streets
I wonder if thats true.


Allowing moments of pain to seep through
At the loss of my romantics with you
But we had tiny miniature moments
Of friendship
I've just gotta, gotta
Be able to look you in the face and want nothing else.

I hit the wall yesterday morning
Where I realized everything
It doesn't matter how much you worship me
How much you love
It doesn't matter
If you can offer me your time next week
It didn't matter that we were on the brink
Just like we had been before
But you threw in the towel
As I was ready to keep fighting
But this time

I gave you your precious poetry
I gave you the gift that we will probably
Never watch together now
(I have found peace with that fact, I know you have not.)
I meant something special in monumental moments
And you voiced your fears, your vulnerabilities
I didn't want to wound you
But no one was going to get out of this alive.

But whats different now
Is that I feel less scarred, betrayed
Just so ******* glad I stood up for myself.
Just so ******* glad I stood up
So glad I walked out
So glad I walked away.

I love you.
I care about you.
But its not enough.

How fitting it all is
I've discovered the new Sia album
Just a few days ago
It makes me wanna
Light everything on fire
And dance, just like
The flame I ******* am.

I reread what I wrote you on your birthday
I've read the one I wrote today and sent you
About 13 times
The words seem to go and flow right through me
Like a masked ghost.

Sunday night
Cinnamon covered apples
You didn't expect me to leave you
Did you, you little pretty thing?

But you aren't pretty
And no one close in my life likes you
For me.

It would have been so much easier
To apologize, to say "you're right. I just wanted to see you."
To grovel, be the weak one
Drugs to heal my throat taking over
I've gotten to know my bedroom so well these past few days
My body and mind forcing me to slow down
I plan and pontificate with other powerful women
I know my man is out there
Somewhere.

But I stop
I stop searching, looking
Trying to transform you into him
I started to wonder these past few days
At my own kindness, goodness
Because I once again felt trapped and confused
By who and what I wanted you to be.

You do anything to not think of me
So glad to go dance, meet new people
Laugh, tear up the floor
I guess in a lot of ways you disgust me.

But you meant to keep me here, around
To twirl me like a little doll
Just when you wanted to
I often spent my days wondering
Feeling less motivated
If they didn't involve you
But I did what I needed to do
I mattered monumentally in this moment
That
Our friends, you will still insist, I know
I pave and create me own way.

Will you come be an adult this weekend?
Who knows.
Baseball cap, those ******* iconic tennis shoes
I wish this would be the instant
Where you wrote a poem in reply
But you won't and you don't
Coward
Cowardly lion
Cowardly little boy
Cowardly little doll.

I'm sorry I guess
I take that back.
No I'm not.
Women spend much too much
Time apologizing, being sorry
Throwing myself out of a moving cab
I loved how concerned you were
But I wanted to run.


I'll always run
I'll always jump
But this time
I don't call you back
Or find you in the street
Put on a happy face
Just for you and me
Nope.
I watch the romantic love
You still worship
Burn into roasting ashes
With freedom, delight
And a mightiness
I've always wanted to embrace.

I guess I was just so disappointed to see you go
Making me sad on Saturday nights seems to be a trend
But I know you are just a man
With an array of your own feelings,
Your own heartbreak.

I bet you are covered in sweat,
Doing your thing
Moving so fast, so quick
Forgetting my face
My name
Anything.

"Consider this over."
"Fine"
You said in reply
Contemplating your response, to give up
Or to persuade me otherwise
But you can't and won't ever do that
Too proud
To be such a little thing.

The past few days we felt pretty good,
Strong, on our way to figuring out whatever this was
I sat at this very same desk
Trying to reassure you on the phone
You were too busy for me
You were too busy for me
You were sorry to be too busy
You are seeing other people "sorta"
You said
You signed us up to continue purgatory

But I abandoned steering my sinking ship.

I jumped, leapt off the ship
I could feel myself heavy with the weight of it all
My first mate, you
You tried what you could
An anchor here, an anchor there
You even poured us glasses of mulled wine
To make the water flooding in feel
More sensual
But it wasn't enough.

At last, after days, weeks, months
Of feeling the water surround me
My toes, my ankles, my calf muscles
Once it hit the tip of my heart
I knew it was too late
As you perhaps wined and dined another
Your phone was on silent
Or turned off
You said this morning
But don't judge your life or your choices
Sending me a long explanation
I read it, skimmed through it
You tried to tag it with some goodness
Perhaps as you threw the last drop of mulled wine my way
The dark clouds and storm surrounding my face
I took one big breath

And I dove off the ship
I flew into the water
Cold splashing echoing and singing
Sharks and fish swimming among me
I started to drown
As you looked down at me from up above, as you continued to sink
You and your date.

At first I thought, this is it
This is the end of me and all my dreams
The things we talked about, wanted together
They are all permanently gone now
I will never see the moon, the sun again
But something within me changed
A fighting resilience, a need to move past this
Painful moment
So I filled my lungs with what air I could
And limb by limb I swam and I struggled
And swam and struggled
And my blonde tendrils and green eyes
Pearly whites, opened and beamed from underneath
The chaotic sea.

As I rose up, I saw the ship was gone
Except for the tiniest glimmer of a flag
It was white and shined into the moonlight
As if to surrender
And you were gone.

I swam back to the shore, it took me
Buzzing hours, ticking clocks, repeating minutes
As I saw your plaid shirt in the museum
Your white tennis shoes at the foot of my bed
You leaning me down onto comforting blankets
Penetrating me with all you've got as you said:
"You like that baby?"
All of it, all of it, all of the images flooding and circulating
Hitting and smacking my mind like all of the hundred times
You disappointed me.

But as I washed ashore
My hair enveloped in long mermaid braids
My lips freshly pink from sea salt
My long legs shiny from octopus ink
My ******* perky from sharks nibbling
And lastly my nearly flooded heart beating
And pulsing from escaping
The story of our love, I tried to recreate.

I rewrote it, hand held a camera to it
I inked it into your skin
Like all the times we could remember when
You kissed me like there never was
Never could be
Never will be
Anyone else, quite like me.

Cinematic, absurd, dramatic, sweet as ****
Amazing. Your favorite word to describe me
I think my heart hurt most of all today
Imagining what you must be feeling
The idea of hurting and wounding you
Crying and sobbing about what I wrote
Nestled in my cocoon
I wash my sheets tonight
Because it is truly, finally time
To ******* start over.

I meant what I wrote in your birthday poem
Every word
Every lick of love, doubt, skepticism
I guess I hoped that would be enough
That after "the emotional journey" we have been on, as you
Yourself put it
That your turn around time, to searching for someone new
Would be more relaxed
But it wasn't.
And thats what hurt me the most
Thats what made me leap off that boat
And shined a light on where your priorities really are.

So yes.
Fine
No period
You are trying to do you
As you type and text my full name
Just yesterday a pet name
You sent me an article about cuddling
I thought we were headed in a good place
But this purgatory hell
Of not knowing, of not fully giving
Of looking around and you feeling like you aren't enough
I've said it time and time again

9 months today.
How much longer will I torture myself
As I print, staple, and sign
The final page of our book
I'm sure some other poetic words will spill out
But I send it out, metaphorically for now
And watch how it develops on a new path
As I laugh, smile
Accept and linger in gratitude
From all I learned from you.

It's past one in the morning
And I would do a lot of things to not care or worry
About where you are or aren't.

Gotten to known the inside of my
Room real well these past 3 days
My lady friends console me my body and mind need the time to process, pause
My face is blotchy and red
I'm not sure why
You don't answer me tonight.

I heard you acted like an immature idiot
On set today
As a male friend tells me he's heard I'm "go with the flow, loosey goosey"
On my sets, "but that's just what he's heard."
Sometimes I absolutely hate everyone.

But I drank a few glasses of wine
Glad to be high
Beyoncé and Coldplay are the latest controversy but I can't get that catchy pretty song out of my head
Or how invested yet numb Chris Martin
Sang.

Discussing over canned soup
How there's gotta be an expiration date on the two of you
As I hope you are working or asleep
And not neglecting and ignoring me.

But there is something on the brink
On the precipice
My room mate and I discuss
Something really ******* here, in our lives, in our careers
About to take off.

And though I try to bring you along
I try to roll out my magic carpet
Create a seat for you
I see you and I see you
And I watch you get left behind.

Its cold in my room tonight
Throat swollen, mouth tastes just like
Two days ago, weeping on my bed
Your face so red, eyes swelling
Like all the times I admitted
The hole that I am constantly trying to fill.

I remember just for a brief moment
Maybe because the past has skated through my mind
Via the interwebs tonight
I started to feel faint
As we stood, looking down at the performers from up above
We had to leave, you were so mad at me
Local dive bar by my old Philadelphia house
That my darkest past now resides and plays house in
Perhaps cooking stuffed chicken with goat cheese
And all the times I hopped in a cab and tried to leave
All the scratches and ****** marks, holes in walls near my head
Painted on me like cinnamon or paprika spices
Behind.
I remember sitting in the booth, across from you
My Artsy Cynical Bohemian
I was so much lighter before you drove your fingernails
Into the shoulder blades of my back
With black dust and pointed silver
But you didn't know you were digging up buried wings.
I can't quite pin point specific words that were said
But I remember feeling a deep neglect.

It feels like just yesterday
My life was completely different
Walking outside my little stairs
Cafes and restaurants all around me
Swiftly kicking my legs to the gym
Or a friends to smoke ****
Walking dogs all hours of the day
Sleep overs, red velvet pancake
Inking our notebooks with evocative thoughts, creations
So hopeful, full of dreams
Worried about the little things
Pumpkin spice, or all the boys I cried over
Everything feeling and seeming so complex
But so very small.

I wonder how it all fairs, without me now
As it takes me 45 minutes to get anywhere
In the icy windy city
And this is the most sick I have repeatedly been
Since I was a little kid
Mama wishes I was home so that she could take care of me
As I try to rationalize my love life
Or confusing "lack" of one over mobile devices.

I think this is the most alone I've ever been
If you could write that out just like I did
With my calligraphy pen, a sweet Christmas gift
From a dear friend
Who often sits next to me, deep in thought
His thoughts distracted, it seems as though he
Would rather be anywhere else
But we play drinking games, my eyes tantalizing
Passing out in the Lost Boys bedroom
As you read these words,
I want you to take a deep moment to think about
How richly good it felt for you to hold me in your arms
To cover me in forgotten kisses, caresses
As you fall asleep tonight
Embracing or running away from the image of my
Corn husk face
In your butterfly colored mind.

"Your body is bangin.' You have the body of a **** star."
Another said to me just earlier this week.
He's tried to see me several times since then
As I prefer my own company.

Its funny how my mind will imagine
And write stories
Doors closing in my face as new ones widely open
Back to you.
Lets freeze time for a singular moment
Walking past the train that sunny fall day
Damen blue line, your hand gently grazed in between
Where my wings use to--
Where my wings are--
Where my
What a sorrowful day that was.
You agree with me, you say
As we text across the bus or train
Adoring each other like strangers
Fleeting, intoxicating moments
And the hard cold fact
Is that I haven't felt this way
In a very long ******* time
And I don't know when I will again.

Tick ******* tock.
If I were a superhero
I would fly high into the clouds and give everyone lasting
Happiness.

Until something levels better comes along
I am reassured,
My throat welling up as if caught in a blender
That I dive into with blueberries, frozen banana
As you cuddle me, big white tennis shoes
But such a small frame
I see you and I see you and I begin to still
Even see you
For who and what you really are now.

Nina Simone
I watched her on my computer screen tonight
What a mighty, mighty woman
Worshipped, misunderstood
Beautiful, talent like a phoenix
Crooning her art into existence.

And there it is again
A fleeting moment of the past
And how hard I tried to make that
Into a lasting entity.
My God, I have spent my life
Trying to make it work.
Buying a drink, waiting for you
I remember the first time you almost left me
I was so ashamed of myself the next day
For having almost caused you to do such a thing
We met up on the street,
The Philly sunshine springing towards us
As you patted and tapped my *****, so lovingly
Like I would always be yours.

But we changed, or maybe we never really were
And I see the twinkling lights
Of when my mother smoked a cigarette in front of you
As you both inhaled and exhaled smoke
In what I wanted to be
Our fairytale story, purple cauliflower
And I knew deep in my heart
That you had no prominent plans
For our future.

My Little Peter Pan
You are the first to really
Do that
Since him
And there is a sense of such love, contentment
In those love taps
On the backside you deem:
"So Coppertone."

I worry and I fear my own ticking clock
Of being stuck or isolated in never fully moving forward
As powerful women sit merely feet away from me
Empowering and inspiring, living and dreaming
Having their art, their families, their love
I want it all.

But in time, in time
As I gaze at age 25
Lament not having this or that
So many text messages
You or he or they
Shield me from ripping your heart into pieces
As I lay next to you floating in a terminal of wine and whiskey
Men around me saying they have never encountered such strength
Such empowerment
How threatening.

When I was a little girl
I always broke the rules.

Yellow lemon shirt, bright purple shorts
You grabbed the end of my salmon colored sweater
“I like the texture. I have this thing with textures."
You said to me, our clean swift tanned feet
Escorting us to the city dwelled beach
You wanted to surround me with the same familiarity
You had practiced so many times before
But I was
So new, so fresh, so unknown.

I remember you sat on the bus, and popped open a beer
Too nervous to sit next to me, I kept my cat eye sunglasses--
On all day, your circular RayBans reflecting only me.

Remember the first time you walked into the room
Your longboard in your arms
Swan, brooding in black glamour, your eyes and chest
Seemed so interesting, to little ole me
But you jump swiftly into roof top pools
Budding and swimming, disappearing
Text me only to update me
Pint of Jim Beam, I knew I could keep up with you
I thought maybe you could too.

Theres something about reflecting back on this time
The innocence, nostalgia of it
That fills my bones up with summer soaked skin
Margaritas in the sunshine
As you doted on me through a cellphone
FaceTime became our middle name
As you reached from afar,
Promises we could have written into the sand
Only to watch the wind blow them all away.

Fast forward to walking down the street, arm in arm
You still extend to me sometimes
It feels like we have arrived on different planets
When we choose not to now.
Wings and outstretched newness remaining
Crying under your strong limbs
My heels make me an Amazonian Princess
You chose to not invite me tonight
I guess I don’t blame you
As you walk away from the bar,
I’ll always be eons and centuries far
Away from what we hoped we could be.
Kisses that grew with intensity and longing
Ducks and swans eating eggs and pie
Such contentment, falling asleep nestled like little dolls
You wanted
I wanted
We wanted
We hoped
For this to be
It.

Sweeping into our childhoods
Our families, the cities we thrived in
They’re so different, we couldn’t be more different
We ate sandwiches and should have held hands under the table
Like we do now at times at late night diners
Our loneliness and longing
We reinvent with time and poisonous bottles.

You said the other day
That my poetry feels like a story now
But I teach a lesson with each?
Green leaves edging up the length of your legs,
Our mamas so eloquently speak the truth
Your spine, remember all the times
You professed your love?
As I watched with careful eyes
Running away a little at a time.

We walked to the movies together
Lips smudged in deep red
I remember turning to you afterwards
"I love the fact that a WOMAN edited that!!"
The look of wonder in your eyes
Has kept me here
Bopping and bebopping
All along.

Fire hair, unicorn woman
Other men and women dance next to you
But your eyes shift away
Looking into my face
But you turn to go
Once you see I was never yours to keep.

Unbuttoning, dancing into the wee hours of the night
Across gallery openings
Crowded rooms
The windows of buses
Brown hazel eyes that look like mossy green forests
In the natural sunlight
Delicate but hard rugged skin
Tattoos that made sense under the ink of a gun
Spiky hair that can’t decide which way to sit
Chiseled features, and those lips I’ll always miss a bit
Strength personified by angels sewn into skin
A stature often teased but so mobile, grounded, and free
And lastly the beating entity in your chest full of carefree
Amorous beginnings and endings, humors manners
Compiled into the nymph who ran away with my heart in May
And I lament, "Will I forever be chasing pixie dust?"

I love you.
So much.
I do.
You love me.
You do.
So much.

But I watch you sprinkle the environment
The atmosphere,
Swans biting and swirling around it all
Directing and flying into the shining sky
A beacon of tomorrow and the tomorrows to come
As we inch forward and inch back
Like wild hunters on the loose
With your kindness, your sincere interest
Wonder
You always understood me.

I don't have the answers
I don't know how to keep you
I don't know how to reinvent what we were
As our bodies demand and beg for love
But we
But you
But I,
Insert the perfect answer here.

I knew I always would—
Drifting further and further away with each day
Sometimes I long for you to rush
Through the rip tides and muddy waters
Of the deepest ocean
To rise on the other side
Gasping for air, fingers reaching
As if escaping from a pirouette
I long to encircle it all in frothy candy canes
Unicorn blood stained new found friendship
But we send pics, conveying how removed we are
Blowing out every single candle.

I thought I would have all the proper words
That I could articulate so simply
So simply and with lightness
But you turn 24 in 3 minutes.

I guess I imagined all of this differently
Entangling myself in all of the vines of my words
My thoughts, my fears, my joy
I gave them away to you like little trinkets
A book of poetry, sums up everything we were
But if I compiled it all
It would take me years.
Everything we are
As I curl with love into who I am
As I explode with prophetic cinematic splatter paint
As the ripest orange zests and still professes
Just like we did that warm fall Missouri wedding day.

Thank you.
Thank you for the stories to share
For unknowingly becoming a muse
In my elfin ear.

I placed a sunshine emoji next to your name
In my cellphone
Last week
Because thats what you are
Thats what you will always be
No matter how many times our hands reach
Only to fall back to our sides
As we remember and dote on the time
I told you I was a Southern Woman
And you chased me down the street
Inked yourself with the metaphoric image of me
I wave farewell to it all--
As I held you so dearly in the palm of my hand
Little porcelain
Little porcelain

Baby.
Doll.

Happy Birthday Zak.

What does one say?
Sometimes I get such a deep pain in my stomach
For missing my old life.

I was haunted, trapped
I seem to always allow myself to be caught in a cage
Man made.

I don't know how to write what I saw in my mind
To you
I guess I thought it would be easier to be kind
But all I want to do
Is forget you.

Remember how not there for me you were?
January 26, 2016
In just an hour you turn 24.

But you got sick earlier you said
I could barely lift myself out of a death like nap
I sit in my bed floating back and forth between
Luxuriating in the quiet
To feeling like I am much, much too idle
You can't really fathom or express
Your wonderment for me
Because it hurts you too much
Your lips refuse to utter.

I'll always be standing at the bar
Patiently waiting
To order my own ******* drink
As long as you are in the room.

I bought you a gift
"You are too much!"
You say, sprinkling pixie dust and ruin
I hang onto to sugar covered little limbs
Make me feel something
Someone slap me, punch me, **** me
Distract me
I erase my face
I erase my face
I erase my face.

I gotta write something nice for you
For tomorrow
I guess
But all I really wanna do is erase my face.

10:58pm
I guess I thought my night would be different
Sweet Actor guy is disappointed I won't go out with him tonight
Last night caused him to think of me all day today
He said
But I excuse myself from socializing
I drifted into smoke clouds
Welcoming lipsticked strangers
As I erase my face
Rebirth
Always flying into rebirth.

Mama scolds me for my obsession with you
As Philly girlfriends and I pontificate
I make it into art
I make us into art
Decay and shrubs surrounding me.

I think you get a kick of not answering me
Your face and voice flashing in my mind
Like edited footage
I put it aside
A faux fur stole
Lipsticked lips the 9 others avoid
I carry on
I didn't come here for you
I didn't come here for them

Cocooned in my own cocoon
I'll give you your gift tomorrow
Erasing my face.

Fulfillment.
Wholeness.
Independence.
Self ownership.
Self love.

All entities I was not taught the significance of
Mama and Papa painted me up pretty
Little lace, pink bows
But I preferred to film and rip all the clothes off--
My barbie dolls, room covered in trophies
Brothers make me so masculine at times
Mixed with that feathered softness, curling lipstick
Discovering myself and the world around me through
Pinecones, vine leaves, and mossy branches
Hanging and dangling in my face
Like new cold January days
So easy to get caught up in him or him or him
Or the past, the past, the past
Or replaying and indicating what this person said
Or that
But as each moment occurs and then passes
Onto the next moment--
I ground myself, my pointed feet feeling the earth.

Words have come out of my mouth recently
Where I ponder my coherence
Maybe its the newness of it all, the leadership
Driving, being the first to jump in
And trusting that so many are there to hold my hand
To just BURST into the water
Like a canon ball on fire
Soaking in whatever the water has to offer.

I know you are one of those people
I think you are one of those people
You want to be one of those people.

But you.
You, in your little black bowler hat
You looked like A Christmas Carol
Or Halloween on ice
Or just like I couldn't stop running my fingers through my hair
Shaking my head side to side
Using what you
What I
What is no longer a "We"
Wanted our love to be
As you left me at the bar
Carrying shots away
But none for me.

But its so intoxicating
It feels so good when we trap ourselves
In a warm winter cocoon
"One of our bed days"
You say in a hang over//bend me right on over the bed--
Video to me
Relieved to see your face, its all good
Its always gonna be all good
Because you aren't going anywhere
In this fever dream that began circa May 2015.

And I see that. And I know it.
And sometimes I want to run away from it
Those branches whispering and cutting my frame, my face
The lens that makes up my pink little lips
That you so love to kiss, lick
As other men appear from corners and crevices
You dance away
Like you always did
Like you always will do.

We gaze at paintings,
Avoid nestling and necking
Drawn to the female form or gore
My eye catches those first
But you like all the colors
The landscapes, the ships
We flow through different rooms
Spotting your plaid shirt across from me
You seemed to always find me
After I would wander off into my own place
But we leave and go opposite ways.
Admiring our own desires, our own wants, needs
As I read and photograph as many
Artists names as I can
In the crook of my mind
Little black dress looks better over my head
You call me baby as if piercing my mind
With the sword of your tongue.

It makes it easier
When you hurt me, shut me out
Trusting loved ones cuddling my shoulders,
Reassuring me of the wrongness
Those words they speak appearing like little lego blocks
Over my skull and then only to disappear
Sometimes I so deeply wish to discover contentment.
Romantic fulfillment?
But you catch my eye from one of those corners
As I choose to look the other way.
Waking up crying, gotta put on a brave face
I use it and I release it
Like torched flames fresh from the tendrils of my mane
You write poems in the crook of my neck
But you never use any ink.

You prefer to not respond sometimes I think
Always working, pouring potions
And I think to myself, how did this poem
How did these words
How did this moment, turn into another piece
About you.
I feel you go past me
As you jest, taunt, but because you really do love so much
As you mark out the pages of the book
You told me you would buy.

I just wanna have a good time.
As you lean over, ya wanna make up
Reaching for me, but only in moments--

But.
I buy, toast, and chug my own shot down.

Thats a first.
I had a title before I wrote a single letter.

***** martini girl scribbling in her little black notebook
Sometimes when I write poetry it feels less purposeful
You are in a really good mood, you type and text to me
Your hand a gentle greeting in between my shoulder blades
Right where wings spread when no one else is around.

I spotted the swan tattoo on your ankle this morning
As the snow colored sun peeked in through my windows

You stayed behind while I frolicked over in the cold
Leaving things behind? Staying involved?
But letting something be its own entity.

The bartender asked me if I was your girlfriend
I laughed my response so awkwardly casual
Rubbing lemon juice on my pink face
You kissed me so passionately in the cab
Last night, my lipstick staining both of us
We have stained each other
In a way I'll always remember.

Blame it on the cold
The alcohol
The slippery snow, hibernating
Everyone wants that someone to snuggle
Kiss and watch movies with
We fell back asleep this morning
You held me as if I were a little doll
"Skin like porcelain"

We both know the truth
Sipping green tea, smoothies
I gear up and rally myself for this or that
Hoping I could have just filed you away
Like a bank statement
Or late fee
To crown 2016 with more lightness
But we dance in bed sheets
Surrounding ourselves with poison
But a poison we both hold so dear.

I tried to put on my make up
You always watch me so carefully
Like a hunter admiring a rare bird
If I sent you a poem you would read it
"More than once."

I brush off my sensitivity, paranoia
Painting strokes into the Chicago pavement
As we jest our once a week rendezvous
But if I ever needed you,
You would run to me.

"Nice try boss!"
Your hand writing so juvenile
Minty desert shot, disrespect you called it
Cigarettes taking you away
Always taking you away
I watch you go.

I got home and sobbed into the ground
I don't know what came over me
My worst fear has always been
Abandonment.
You traveled to me, waving outside of my window
Bare feet running in the snow like crossing out--
All the times I use to write my whole name
With a man's last attached to it.

Stroking my legs, holding my hands
As we devoured our eggs
Love in the public eye
I switch around times, schedules, framing my life
Through a Black Magic camera lens.

This poem could go on and on
Playing and twirling like I'm on the biggest playground
Your weapons of love present, but lets make it so distant
Aimed right at my temple
Remember when we rode on the ferris wheel
The sunlight hitting your face
I snapped pictures of you, we were so young
We are so young.
I felt so at peace, new, refreshing
Only to end up dancing in an empty room
With you.

But we grab hands from time to time
Catching your looks in the reflection
Of a love making mirror
I light things on fire
Matches and gasoline oozing from my pores, my lips.

The glimmer in your eye when you see hints of jealousy cross my face
But I know I'll always be the only woman in the room
"You need to settle down."
Molly come down.
Molly come down.
The polaroid on my window sill almost mocking
We cannot help but lean, lean
Into one another
But, but.

I light myself on fire.

I'm more sassy than sweet
My green sweater hanging from limbs
I come across as more of a party girl
"Sweet. Sweet." Think sweet
My acting on camera teacher tells me
Moon tattoo my neck
"Its the eyes!"
A classmate of mine offers
"I think its in the lips"
Sometimes I wish I could carefully peel off
Pieces of my face
Like I was Mr. Potato head
Start all over again.


I can hear you coughing in the kitchen
In the darkness of my room
Admitting I miss you
But I stay cocooned in my den
Its so weird that you come here now
But not for me.

I'm sure you must look around this house
And see the white table
The kitchen counter in front of the coffee maker
The places we so secretly and boldly
Made love in
So forbidden
It all seemed.

I thought I knew winter
But I didn't know ****
I feel as though I were entirely composed
Of Alaska
Every time I walk outside.

Boys, men
They really only irritate me now
I roll my eyes at text messages
That only appear at the most inconvenient times
I bet you think I'm not here
Maybe I'm sort of not
I can hear you walking past my door
I bet you just cracked open a beer
A few days ago we wished we could have just
Carried our relationship
Everywhere safe and solemn
In our bed.

But we couldn't
And I wouldn't
And though I have moments of missing
The safety of you knowing me
I do have to snap fingers in my face
And remember that I am still very much
In such a new place
None of you really know me

I'm not just full of sass
I couldn't stop laughing and saying how interesting
That feed back was
Because it took me a long time to become this woman
This strong, powerful
Can peacefully fall asleep with my ex-boyfriend in my living room
Woman.
Can sit in meetings and feel like I dance in fire
Or bravely kiss and whistle
At what I was scared of before.
So **** the idea of a party girl attitude
And this moon tattoo on my back
Means more than I could ever relay into words
Industrial copy is really a difficult form
That I'm trying to master
Because I desperately need money
But I direct, I write, I edit
And I can transform into whatever I need to be
Still finding myself
Forming my roots
Ignoring what I could or couldn't do
I'm still so ******* new.

I'm doing what I know I must do.

Make up in mirrors
We paint ourselves up
I watch movies that express sexuality, femininity
Closing my eyes around midnight
Avoiding walking into the cold alone.

I think you must have really wanted to see me last night
Though you would never admit it
Your mind battling dragons, words, magic
Laying in the fort we built over our heads
With blankets, natural light
Hitting our faces and lips
Catherine slaughters all of her male partners
Seducing them into oblivion,
Basic Instinct.

We don't text today
But you called me last night, liquor on your breath
You wanted to know how it all went
Your little boy voice filled with wonder, love
As my sweet bitter nickname echoes over the phone
I couldn't play pretend, or remember how
My bed once sat on the opposite side of the room
As I found comfort in you
States and miles away
Over the cell phone
But you hate that Drake song.

But we were good, we were solid
We were a better us over technological devices
Sometimes I search for the words I want to
Articulate so badly, in deep or important moments
But I can't quite pronounce or think of the language
Quite quickly enough.

I turned on my old computer today
And stumbled across my love life this time last year
You, The Professor
Were just about to leave the city
Discover a foreign land
Bags arriving so shiny and new, full of
Perhaps promises on that Valentines Day
As a girlfriend envied me, we drank wine
I thought for a blissful moment
That I was so lucky.

My room mate told me today that I am
Definitely a "hopeless romantic"
Certainly cannot deny it
Watching back footage, dark hair, smitten eyes
Folders full of poems of the past
There has gotta be a day my poetry is less tortured, sad
Over men.
Men.

Man.
So much weight and effort put into them
All my life I thought a wedding veil was so significant
Repeatedly sweeping down the line
Of fantasies that just don't quite pan out
It makes me wonder if that will ever be a real
Attainable thing for me?
Or should I too,
Just slaughter all my lovers
In bed?

I fed my actors too much whiskey
I wish I had more money
I wish I had less and more free time
I wish for the day for me to let you go
To be right now
I wish I didn't romanticize and focus
On what simply cannot be
I wish
I know I've got inner homework
As I take in the icy breeze
Lonely snowflakes
Art that makes people say meaningful things
As they look right in my eyes
Making me pout with joy
"He's out there"
A band of sirens swim and sing to me
I stopped
I stop
Looking.

Talking about me
Your side of the story
I wish it didn't loom or buzz around me
Can't say that I'm surprised
You hug me last and watch me go
I'll always be the one to really
Go.

Going out tonight
Replacing images and moments with you
With a new life
We both draw lines in the dirt around us
Reinventing how to make this work
Making plans and keeping our love inside
When will the day come that you don't
Take up all of mind?

I could nap all day
But I would lay there with my eyes wide open
If I do this or hold this dear
It will fulfill me
Butterflies and vines formulate
Around every muscle on my insides
I wish so much at times
We could have made it work.

But it would have all fallen to pieces
Just like we did
Rising from the ashes, I work it out through art
As powerhouse women surround me
They think you seem like a good man
Because you are
But I drift away on the calmness of my own sea.

Everything, everything
You say things and repeat things
My trust on a distant island
I wonder what faces I will kiss
And brush you away in my mind
This January night.

I think I slept in a spot of your blood last night
Waking up in the morning next to you,
I handed you tissues to mop up your ****** nose
My bed stained with you, me, and us.

On the hunt, with a bow and arrow
We power play, instigate
Baby, we went from dancing in a crowded room
Barely able to move
To me trying to keep up in my heavy snow shoes
Dancing with you, our ending
In an empty room.

I've gotten to where when I reference us as a "we"
I immediately change it to "I" or "Me"
Making plans to try and decrease the tension
You told me that in moments its crippling
To be without me.

Whispering your love in my ear as we ride the blue line
Here is this song or that song
Eggs taste so good covered in mustard
Your hand on my leg
Running around the city
With our invisible weapons
That we aim at
Each others forehead.

I would send you this poem
Like I once use to
With what seems like eons ago
But I'll save a secret place
Store in the capsule of my heart
Along with what fulfills me, drives me
As we like or ignore
Each other on social media.

In a lot of ways I tell our story
My story
His story
A love story
Surrounded with what needs to be done
In the world, my eyes tired these past two days
But I know running in my neighborhood
Even if it is 4pm
And the sky darkens
Will revitalize me.

"Small doses"
I chime, as if creating a cynical hallmark card
You should have been there
But you weren't
Not because of hatred or lack of love
But because you weren't meant to stand next to me.

I love you still.
My heart aches for you still
But the aching decreases, as you come around the bar
Call me your sweet nickname
And tell me how glad for me you are
My tattoos peeking out of my shirt
Whispering you want me to be yours again
But its just because of the liquor baby
You so calmly say the next day
But thats okay
Because you weren't meant to stand next to me
For all of "eternity" in that sweet devoted way
Because my path hovers above the ground
You dance in.

Shiny white **** thighs
Tattoos ringing and singing
Most natural state
Pure white boxes, bench
Create, purity, beauty.

Never so exposed, so raw
Able to smell my every pore
Allowing my every limb to echo art
I am my own canvas.

Sleeping and dreaming of life
But in more serious violent, chaotic, ****** extremes
So vivid, I nod them away
The sun shining and guilting me through my windows
As I sometimes catch myself reaching, longing for you
But you protect yourself with an armor
I can never master.

When will I truly stop trying?
Give up?
I dance around the flames, that always speak my name
As you send me pictures of your gig for the day
But you are too exhausted, your muscles ache
But you definitely need a night with me
You say, my flirtation armed with daggers
Poison and catalytic lashes
Because you are nothing but a fever dream.

I remember when I use to hear the quote in my mind
I penned and threaded to my heart with the sharpest needle
"The coldest winter I have ever known."
But this is by far, the coldest, the newest
Looking around and taking in how drastically
At the tip of a hat
I wasn't kidding in the summer time
When I would blink, wink, and sing
"My whole life is about to change."

But old habits, they do
They die hard
And consumed in longing, desired snuggles and rubs
Of the icicle ridden winter time
I close my eyes at each time you let me down
Because there was never a time you didn't.

My right eye has started twitching again
Consuming heated soup, crackers
My room mate eats all of the expensive produce
I barely can afford
But I love growing more slender,
Seeking motivation to run in the ice
Dollar bills, send me a ******* schedule
Send me out, put me in the room
But in the mean time, I direct and I edit
The best most profound parts
Of the world around me.

You didn't think of me when you released yourself
Your mind is mush today you said
But you encouraged me to
To release myself
But the trouble is,
I can't not think of you
But I bring back my needle and thread
And sew away all the lies
You tried to tie me down with
Snapping the strings with
The smile you constantly worshipped
Pure white, pure white

I know you your small arms will reach for me
As I am turned away
But I keep turning--90, 180
Avoiding 360
But you would love to
But. But. But.

I don't have time for any "But"
Flinging myself into significance
My needle and thread
We sew away your lies
Free my naked body into the morning
Into the night
In time.

My gut started aching
Again today, a familiar tearing haunting
Mama says to live off soup and crackers
I'm always the blondest and first one chosen to go first
*****, no. Angel, no.
Queen
In the room.

It takes eons to get to and from anywhere
In the snowy windy *** ****** city
I'll never forget when I first got here
It all feels like a dream
As I finally stand behind lenses
Creating something from absolutely nothing
I wish I felt totally well
It's as if my past has coiled itself up
In ropes and twisted snakes in my stomach
As I lay on the bed with my lead actress
Describing beautiful flowered vines
Taking up space in her insides
Whisking and floating around her ribs
As if me and my metaphors were meant to do nothing
But this.

Sometimes I go to speak, to release sound
And I think for a frightful moment
I've forgotten how to intelligently, in a linear sense
Articulate my thoughts.

I could call you
I could text you
I could show up at your door
9 people turning and giving their opinions
But my gut and I proceed in our direction.

You rubbed my back, feeding me tums and Sprite
This must be so very hard for you little Zaky.
I can't wait to not be in love with you.

I release myself into the sky
Flying past all the birds
Forget your duck sweatshirt or that other ex as we whispered "duck" as our ****** secret ****** code
None of it, none of it
For me anymore
The snow sparkling like a thousand diamonds
I lay low on the drinking and competing
And let happiness be my noise.

You seemed in such a hurry
Your voice echoing in raspy circles
Did I have your black hoodie
You wanted to know
But so sorry baby, you didn't say
Your voice invisible with the love you
Disguise through little boy eyes and lies
Sometimes deep so deep to my roots
I wish we coulda just been it.

It woulda been easier, more convenient
If you hadn't thrown your towel down
Into Lake Michigan
Only to say right in my face, the eyes you worship
That if you could change one thing
It would be for a second chance.

And though icicles and slippery snow
Question and make me embrace my newness
You forewarn me of the cold, unable to keep me warm
Anymore.
What your mind must think in your Peter Pan den
Missing the sunlight hitting our faces
Tangled up like we could exist in safety
But it was all a game of hop scotch.

But I'm better at drawing
With my thick cavernous pink and blue lines in the cement
No one expected me to
Creating and setting fires
I leap and hop around all the steps
I drew with my hands.

Get back in line, wait your turn
You tried to cut, I let you cut
So now I watch you fall to the back
My fingers reaching for new colored chalk
I shake my head away at comparing
What I don't want in this or that
My legs so long, ample
Pointed feet you loved the most
I transcend the gravity you keep.

My God I miss you so deeply
In spurts of moments
In hours ticking by.
As everyone else snuggles up to their her or him
My computer, my camera, my connections
I snuggle into oblivion.

Sometimes I'm so ******* good at this
I remember threatening to leave you
When things got too hard
I would say: "It would be so easy for me to walk away. I am very very good at being alone."

And I meant it. Every word of it.
I see that you slumber most of the day away
I try to wake up with a mission
As being my own companion seems to be the regular
Becoming frustrated with everyone elses
Lack of focus
I didn't move to Chicago to coddle anyone.

And the truth of the matter
The truth of it all
Is I cannot possibly
The right man cannot possibly find me
If I am mourning, hanging on, longing
For the wrong one.

So I let you cope and deal
As I see images and moments of you
In the pits of my mind
Waving goodbye, one at a time.

As if summoned by the moon light
Snow covering the ground
I looked out my window that night
There you were, drunk
Drunk and motioning for me.

I remember the way you turned away, stopped
In your tracks, the moment I appeared
Red velvet jacket, long hair
Glistening free eyes
You couldn't even look at me.

You told me on your journey here
You thought of all the mean things
All the things that made you angry
That you wanted to say
But the moment you saw me
None of it mattered.

"I'm unhappy.  I'm not happy."
Your voice echoing through technological devices
While I hid in the corner of another man's bathroom
It was then I knew I had to see you.
"I ******* hate...I ******* hate talking to you."
"Why?"
"You know why."

You said.
A few hours later, I was the first to reach out
Kiss you on the lips
This afternoon I replayed the whole thing in my head
Allowing myself to befriend the way you haunt me
Day to day, but at least
At least I have the satisfying comfort of knowing
I'm always on your mind.

Sometimes I become so paranoid
Creating the worst fantasies in my mind
As my room mate and I casually carried two wedding dresses
Two new purchases, down the streets of Chicago
Actor guy just invited me over
I don't think I'll end up going
Tonight.

Theres this funny thing about the way my mind works
With you.
If I have it in my head, that its you I will see
If I even play with the idea of hanging out with you
I can't muster up the will power
To surround myself with
Other..
Distractions.

But I know, at the end of it all
As the credits are rolling
You said it so well that night
"You don't even get it."
You said.
"You don't even get it. Because I love you. I love you. And I just am still coping with not being that man for you."
You said.

And maybe I'm the room mate alone tonight
As I hear foot steps scurrying to go
Gain comfort from this or that
But there isn't a looming clock above my head
There aren't men disappearing
I'm not running out of time
Or beauty
Or love
Or wit
Or art
I am constantly evolving.

Puffy red wine eyes
Your lips kissed and stained in the slips
With a dark blue.

I could have stayed and drank all night
But platonic friendship glided me home.

Black turtle neck, white blonde hair
I hustle and bustle like the little boy
I secretly am.

Flipping through records to play
I'll bring the pasta and ****
The Lost Boys.

I got so caught up in Peter Pan
I stopped in the snow alone
3am and just let myself weep
For the loss and romanticism
For the fantasy world you built around us
With cotton candy rainbow colored unicorns
Intricate chocolate salted buttercups
Butterflies on fire
But the latter,
Was always me.

If I could fathom every memory
Moment in time, word spoken
Hold onto how it felt
To have you admit your undeniable love
We already had it all bookmarked
But my heart ached thinking
You and your pixie dust disappeared
But I see now,
Your shadow will always remain
But its me,
Its me that has to fly away
From Never Never Land.

I'm the coldest in my apartment.
Wishing for slight moments to return to my home town
I wish my room mate would send her lover and friend away.

Last night we took tequila shots, as I tried to rub
The secret unhappiness, gloom
Out of the secret crevices of my eyelids
I hit the pavement, slam my head into the cement
I can hear my feet skating in black ice
I called you and just about every other man
Late into the night, thinking, wishing
Someone hold me.

I think the actor guy is a lil bit mad
As a tall drink of water man stole me away on NYE
I had such bursting climatic moments of happiness
I try to keep my envy and sadness at bay.

I know its all about to happen
This is the run run run
Stop for a sec
Breathe
Moment.

All my plans seem like light years away
Remember
My phone just buzzed
Sometimes I wish I could just drop every item of technology
I own
Into a pit, forget
I never really know what I want
Anymore.

I need to get some sleep tonight


The DJ just said to me:
"Can I help you write?"
And I said: "Can I help you make music?"

Lectured as the sunshine hits my face
I just made the healthiest sandwich
So much to do, so much going on
But my heart goes and runs back to you
In fleeting moments,
Begging myself to move
I don't know how this is going to work.

Impatient
Its only January 2nd.
But I have felt pretty alone the past two days
In the snowy Chicago land
Hitting the pavement,
How can I save myself

I'm not sure what your perspective is
But I am sure it must be mixed with pain
The desire to erase
What I could not be for you.

I would do anything to not give a ****
I would do anything to move on from this
I know I will in time
As ghosts whisper and threaten
To confuse me, lectured in the sunshine.

I feel like my poetry has sort of started
To all sound the same
Haunted with images and working things out
Of how you failed me.

"He's gonna get off thinking he has all the power."
Mama would love it if I just settled down
But that day is not today for me.

Projections of lights, original paintings
I dropped my drink on the dance floor
On the girl I just met shoes
One after the other the new men
That have come through
Seem to trickle and wink at me
Through my camera lens.

I didn't look for you in the shadows of
The moment we all mark: A New Beginning
I don't know what it really is that I seek from you now
But I know, I know
You've got your own demons
As a multitude reassures me how wrong
You just were, for both of us.

My eyes hurt
The house was lonely and quiet today
As my heart can't help but long
For some kind stability with you
But I only reach my arms out so far
Preparing myself to be braver
Than I have ever been before.

I just wanna smoke ****, kiss
Listen to some amazing music
Like blue green eyes opened next to me this morning
As I waved farewell to 2015
And yet, I still glance through mirrors
Crevices in hidden places
To try and save whatever it was we were.

So much at stake
But I know I could always just walk away
I know none of you would ever want that.

Beautiful tattoos, my kind of language
A free for all bar
I felt so glad, so content
Running around with the most
Beautiful women
Arm in arm, beware what you don't want.

You just texted me back.
Your texts so mundane, with so little color
I wish I didn't feel like I needed
I needed
In my darkest and most memorable moments
You handled me terribly.

And thats the underlying, echoing
Truth of it all.
I don't reply.
I don't text back.
"We are fine. No worries"

If I could pull the plug
On my memory of you
I would.

Two men competed for my attention last night
At the same time
Who will be the one to take her home?
I thought of you so little.
So little.
So little.
My friends are right
My mother is right
Thats what you and your mind
Are.
Little.

Black coffee with nothing
But ginger
I think this was the first morning
I woke up with less difficulty
My dreams less haunted, convoluted
Scrolling through the internet morning
Comforting sounds.

You seem to appear when I least want you to
Your pictures and movements forward
Testing and driving me on
I want to look like the old hollywood queen of the ball
Tonight.

A new year
Our generation so jokingly states: "New Year, New ME!"
I don't know that I will be new
As if torn out of a barbie doll box for the first time
Because I have seen, done, heard, lived so much
In just a mere 25 years
But I with a slight weariness
I did, I made a list
And I know I gotta make that bank
I gotta push forward
I gotta make strides
Without you or him by my side.

Because you cannot force it
You shouldn't have to chase it
I shouldn't deny or convince my inner most feelings
So I lie in my Chicago bed alone, late into the night
Most nights
And glad of it.

The sun greeted me this morning
As if predicting some poetry
I don't intend to sleep tonight
But I do intend to not seek you out
To not hope or long for you in the lights of the city
Because it was never, ever about you
I reassure myself through out the day
But sometimes I wish I could erase your existence
From the watery well of my mind.

First time without an Alabama ball dropping
I don't know what to expect
But I do what I can to better my spirit, my soul
My heart, my mind, my body.

Evolving, changing, growing
Flourishing.
I've never felt such strong instincts about a new year.
Not because I am new
Or because I didn't say or do that
But because
Its all just on the brink
Of beginning
For me.

If I could,
I would drop kick you all the way back into your hometown
Ship you off to the desert, leave you without water
Teleport you to outer space with no way back
Delete you from every technological device.

But I can't.
I know you must feel the same.
****** into such deep sleeps, its hard to tell the difference
Moment of such longing weakness
And then empowering cathartic strength
My mother says she can't wait until I am over you.
I feel as though everyone looks at my pining heart
And rolls their eyes.
I, I do too.
Living out my fears, needs, wants
My mind trying to play out what it needs
The darkness of my southern room
Hitting the edge of addiction to wakefulness
Or sleep so deep, almost like a little death.

Left afterwards with only a series of cinematic images
You will never know
And my thoughts linger on:
Surely he must be battling this too.
Perhaps we have dreamed the same dream
Or dreamed of each other at the same time
Everyone has their own way of healing
And each day I wake up
And can't help but sigh at having had to experience you
In my imagination.

Dropped down, on that airplane
My coffee all over my thighs
You hit my mind first
But then I think, once the plane is steady
"Its just because he was the last one I really loved."
But I must conclude to myself, I did not really love you
I did not really surrender
Until it was much too late.

Destruction and grime all around us
I pretended to be both the hero and the villain
Using my super powers to lift the archaic mess
We could not overcome
Or telepathic powers to tell you to hang on
Or a clock that rewinds time to fix all mistakes
Or an invisibility cloak to try and steer us where
I thought, you thought, "We"
Thought
We needed to go.

But it doesn't matter.
None of it ******* matters.
I couldn't save us.
Because I am no super hero.

Emergency Flash Flood
All the cellular devices hum in unison
Airport security glamour hell.
Just get me back
Just get me back
And not to you, or you, or you
But because my future awaits.

The thing about failed relationships is they are A LOT like tattoos.

You are so elated, excited, sometimes you go in with friends
You lay down your body, you try to be at ease
Some people handle it well, some people don't
But you have imagined this image, this beautiful, silly, or memento of a thing in your head SO much that there was no world in which you didn't permanently have it stamped on you
Or maybe it is just totally random and on a whim.

A sudden jolt, "Oh! Eh! Thats what that feels like."
The familiar itching sting.
Then your body relaxes, understands what this means
You search your mind for other thoughts
Moments of intense stinging pain
And beautiful, euphoric out of body experiences
Almost a deep pleasure

And then before you know it,
Its done--its just over
"Oh ****! Well that wasn't so bad"
You say, examining this moment on your body in a mirror
And you forever, for all of eternity
Unless you literally have surgery
Are marked with the ink of what you saw
What you wanted
For years, months, days, or milliseconds
Onto your skin, your soul, your heart
Your very dust of this earth
In what we human beings like to dub
"Forever."

But wait. At the end, at the end of it all
You can look and think back to this inked memory
With a vast array of emotion, thought
But simply allow yourself
To flash back to who you were then
Who you were with
Were you alone?
As needles inked your limbs
You can regret or despise
Or allow yourself to smile
At that particular beautiful moment in Time.

Hot green tea
Lemons, bitter lemons in ******* everything
I talk and circle around myself
Avoiding distracting insomnia driving
Smoke clouds tonight.
My hands and finger tips sometimes
Late into the night
Or early in the morning
As if puppeteered by something
Stronger and more colossal than myself
I slice the strings with my bare teeth.

Sitting and gazing at the glorious southern sky
I spend too much money
Feeling like a modern day Blanche DuBois
My hair is so ******* blonde.

Lets discuss drugs and just how they will infect our veins
A big thought when inspecting a dead possum
Play possum in our front yard tonight
Little brother donned surgical gloves, a trash bag
Mama geared him up right
Its got rabies, everyone chimed
As I sat in silence in the kitchen
Stuffing chicken and too buttered for my taste
Broccoli in my face, come look at it, come look at it
Its so dead
I refused, eating with nothing but the TV
Warning of severe winter storms
And a mending heart
Staying away from what you should allow to be the past
On the news.

I wanna be thinner
Stronger
Braver
My hair longer
I wanna be invincible
I want to be able to see you in the room
And not give a flying ****.

But lets face it, Zak.
Our hearts will pound a little harder
We will drink a little bit more of whatever is in our hands
As we avoid and dodge thoughts
New Years Eve approaching
I place my phone back on my desk
To do just that.

Writing, so painfully seeing our story
My story with so many
Becoming fully realized
But how beautiful, how freeing
As I stood on that playground cage
My arms stretched out
I knew none of this would be easy

Looking and storming through an army of wrong faces
I painted the doorway of my art studio, so young
I saw it again for the first time today
In what seems like eons
I knew exactly what it meant.

I've had a few things to say
But I have stuck them in my back pocket
Consuming, squeezing lemons in everything
I always have.

A sense of being overwhelmed
Remember when you were supposed to be the person
To calm me down?

Strangers, professional
Friendly strangers
I will stay away in nothing but
Group settings.

I wonder if your heart aches?
It must.
I feel like I can't write or really say
Anything new in regards to you
Anymore
But I know you must do all you can
To forget, move on, forget.

I control my temper, my pain
When I see you flirt with your past
Thank God I no longer am responsible
And that, that alone
Gives me solace.

With elegant strokes full of body and spirit
I don't have time for you
I don't have time for anyone who can't ride along
I watch money swim and chuckle all around me
I'll make my own way
I always was
I always will be.

I gotta get back,
Gotta fly to Chicago
As snow storms and blizzards
Rainy Southern days in the deep south
I gotta go make things happen in the snow.

Remorse, sorrow, a deep longing for what was
And what wasn't
I prefer, I prefer me
And my art
Without you tugging at my sleeve.

If I could compile every one of my thoughts
My dreams, my moments of joy, even hate
In the palms of my two long lean hands
I would examine them with antique binoculars
Just like I was a patron of the arts, a feather crown atop my head
Full length gloves, tulle skirt bouncing around
My most intimate parts.

I asked my papa today what he thought of you
Walking and parading around in the Alabama sunshine
Everyone has their story, their spine
We talked about you, among you, what you lacked
For what seemed like long
I remember when I was just a few years younger
I felt this need, this severe urgency
To get out a certain amount of information,
With anecdotes, to convey
Make what I felt, what I had to say known
That need still resides in me a little
But I see the desire for acceptance, validation
Grow fainter and fainter.

I shake my head away at negative or fearful thinking
And I will just start to feel a moment of positivity
Self love, letting go--
But knowledge, I know you haven't let me go yet
You've got more to say, you are gonna wanna corner me
Once more
I do, I fear for me
It makes me furrow my brow and bite my lip
Sigh heavily
For my spirit, my soul, my sensuality
Only to let it turn into an amused laughter
Hilarious disappointment
I'm such a spoiled *****
But ****, I've got to be the one
To make you and your impractical love
Stay the ******* **** **** AWAY from me.

Please.

My past reached out to me today in a number of ways
Driving around in my little red Jetta
I was the queen of the town
I am the queen of the town
I am the queen of my own life.

My memory floods back to that singular moment
A sticky note, on my wall
You showed me, as if it were a medal
You were supposed to be by my side that night
You claimed to be so proud
But I remember you were so inappropriately playful
Grabbing me around the party, like a little boy
In a lingerie store.
Your voice raspy and ringing with
What you thought I wanted to hear
And it was
But you could never really follow through.

I hate your ex-girlfriend.
I hate all of them.
I hate that they still adore you
I hate that they keep up with you
That you and your little incestuous posse
Still try to dance the same dance
Just grow the **** up.

But my hate, my rage, the betrayal
I have known and known again
I released it into the super moon tonight
You told me tonight, while in your Catholic church, no doubt
That you hoped I saw it, that its beautiful
As my mother put it in her deep Southern drawl:
"Branded forever."
Branded with ink and haunted by nature's night.

I stared deeply up at that moon
My father thought I was taking a picture, I looked so long
But really
All I saw were flashes of images, your voice
You calling out the name you gave me
Again and again
And how I always knew, in the back of my mind
That was fond for you, but not really until the very end
That my hands, my finger tips
Were always mid
Slip.

I just got myself so ****** on Christmas Eve
Santa Claus comes tonight.

I wonder how many more times
I'll type your three letter name
Into the search engine of my mind
Type, click, type.
Rewrite, erase, rinse.

Theres really quite nothing like
That moment you rediscover a song
You once worshipped, or rediscovering
Your self love.

Beware the veelas
They have that invisible cloak of mystery
You did say, in my bed
I'm sure you must replay
That was something I never lacked
mystery

What a dumb thing to write.
But moving a limb, caressing yourself
On Christmas
Eve.