Remember how not there for me you were?
January 26, 2016
In just an hour you turn 24.

But you got sick earlier you said
I could barely lift myself out of a death like nap
I sit in my bed floating back and forth between
Luxuriating in the quiet
To feeling like I am much, much too idle
You can't really fathom or express
Your wonderment for me
Because it hurts you too much
Your lips refuse to utter.

I'll always be standing at the bar
Patiently waiting
To order my own ******* drink
As long as you are in the room.

I bought you a gift
"You are too much!"
You say, sprinkling pixie dust and ruin
I hang onto to sugar covered little limbs
Make me feel something
Someone slap me, punch me, **** me
Distract me
I erase my face
I erase my face
I erase my face.

I gotta write something nice for you
For tomorrow
I guess
But all I really wanna do is erase my face.

10:58pm
I guess I thought my night would be different
Sweet Actor guy is disappointed I won't go out with him tonight
Last night caused him to think of me all day today
He said
But I excuse myself from socializing
I drifted into smoke clouds
Welcoming lipsticked strangers
As I erase my face
Rebirth
Always flying into rebirth.

Mama scolds me for my obsession with you
As Philly girlfriends and I pontificate
I make it into art
I make us into art
Decay and shrubs surrounding me.

I think you get a kick of not answering me
Your face and voice flashing in my mind
Like edited footage
I put it aside
A faux fur stole
Lipsticked lips the 9 others avoid
I carry on
I didn't come here for you
I didn't come here for them

Cocooned in my own cocoon
I'll give you your gift tomorrow
Erasing my face.