It's Christmas Eve. I wish I felt more at ease, free, happy. I'm okay. Not awful. Hung over. I wish you would say something, anything to me. But in time.

I woke up to my own screams this morning, the thought of completely losing you. But I am trying and fighting to be kind and to keep my distance from you. I know you must be going through the same in your own way. Perhaps as we said from the start, even more pain. Because I knew the truth all along as you chased me, hunted me, demanded I be yours until I was so deeply yours that the thought of my life without you, to this day, still paralyzes me. Maybe I am addicted to heart break, nostalgia, what was, the love that was once there with insert lover here. Everyone looks at me and wonders what I saw in you, why it's taking so long for me to let go, that you will never be who I desire.

Last night I waltzed all around a party and I thought to myself: "I'm so glad he's not here. It would be just wrong." But my hands gripping so tightly onto the vulnerability I showed you that resides so deeply within me, I have to be ready to let you go. "Cut it off" "you deserve so much better." I know what's at stake here.

My relationship with me.

So thank you, thank you for giving me the opportunity and reminder to be true and good to me. I know you must feel sorrow, anger, convincing yourself it was all worth it. And for you, it was.

Thank you for teaching me what I need and want. Thank you for leaving me in the dust to pick up the pieces of me I ignored all along. And most of all, thank you for the transition, the fun times, the new friends. And now with beautiful light hands: I release you into the romantic nothingness we now are, because I said so.

Ice cubes in white wine
My life changing and evolving
Constantly, constantly.

Tonight as I smeared my lips
Painted my eyes
A big southern mosquito flew above my head
Landed right on my mirror
Taunting me, ******* my blood
I carefully, but also with a rush of mess
Splashed it at first with water from my glass
As it flew, spun around my head
Laughing and buzzing at me
All I saw was your face, your eyes
All the lies and cheating
You falling asleep in your Peter Pan den.

I became more violent
In  my battle with the mosquito
Splashing water around my bathroom
My make up freshly out on the counter
You flew, whizzed, pondering tactics
But I knew, I know
I'm smarter, wiser, braver, faster
Than you.

At last, water all over the mirror
Like strips of gum
With one single slap of my hand
Flashing back to when you broke the news to me
It felt so good, so right
To see your face go back with redness
For you to see what you had done.
You and the mosquito were never any match
For me.
Palm down on the green wall
I wondered at first--did I get it?
I brought my hand down
Covered in water and possible victory

And then I washed your scrawny
****** and taunting limbs
From my fingers.

I feel the most unpopular among my family, my friends
My lovers, my haters
I feel the most unpopular
And like things just can't seem to go well
I feel the most unpopular
And probably the most miserable I have been
In a very very long time.

This time last year my poetry was happy,
****.
Words flooding through me with a witty charm
A newness
A new man had danced into my life.
I wrote in my phone the other day:

"Is it possible to be obsessed with your ex-lovers?"

I don't know. Possibly.
I think I have been.
I do.
Dragging things out with you and you
Trying to feel like I am not the one left behind
How many times will I try?
This has got to be it

My hair is a tangled mess
Mama and I are awkward now
She told me she saw a movie
A mother and daughter stopped talking for 10 years
It happens, we both replied
Why do I feel like I am in literal hell?
I should start my day
But a heaviness and ache in my heart
From how we left things
How are ever really going to be friends?

I need more coffee.
More sleep.
And to really and truly
Let you go.

Lacking motivation
I drove my body down into the ground
Until yesterday
I was so elated to come home
To smell the house, the outdoors
To embrace the sunshine and take some time
Away.

Today I feel slightly better
But my heart and my head
I just really wish I didn't have to experience pain like this.
You have been worried about me all day
You said late into the night
But yet your movements and your actions
They say so little.

Use it as motivation, talking it out into an oblivion
All I really want to do is lay on my bed
And not move an inch.

But I know
I've got to get some rest
I've got to start running again
I have to watch what I eat
I have to write
I have to post on the internet
I have so many, so many things to conquer
My heart in my hands
Once again.

I would reach out to you again
If I thought you could talk
But I set the desire aside
I just cannot anymore.
I've exposed me and put myself into the fire
Only to feel rejected, disappointed
But everything you could never
Give.

Can't bring myself to eat anything else today
Its like its all ending all over again
I miss the way you would drunkenly text me
I miss the way you would call me late into the night
As we write novels, trying to hurt each other less

I wish you had written me that poem
I wish we had fought harder
I wish our love making wasn't so palpable
But keep this between us, I almost beg
I wish I wish I wish
What does it matter?

2015, my God you dressed me up nice
Releasing yourself on my tattooed tummy
Again and again and again.

I reached out, my hands inching through
Technological screens, thinking, my insides screaming
Make me feel like I matter.
Like I'm worthwhile
As ringlets of life and death
They echo and play out intricate scenes in my head.

I had hoped this would be drastically different
Torturing myself with venom instead
I think you, too
Prefer me when I'm
"Good."

But I can't always be good
My insides are beautifully dark and cavernous
Your lips began to decay as you tried
As we tried, to comprehend
Make us better, we wanted to be better
But like that silly pop song
We're only human.

Or are we?
I don't know
At heart, I'll always be
A mythological, brooding, shining
Mermaid moon beam oceanic
This is the worst feeling of all
The emptiness, no desire for anything
I wish I could wish it all away.

As we contemplate how to remain friends
Or how this first all began
Our bodies still yearning and chirping
To take a piece away.

2015. ******* 2015.
Your time has come
So with a curtsey
My favorite lipsticks combined
And joyful sincerity, I watch you go.

I should eat
Red reminders on my left wrist
I wanted, have been wanting to
Little bathroom, mat on the floor so nice
A cocooned furry haired weeping mess
A creature confined.
I hoped you would pick me up
Mama so mean, women so cruel
With your love and good tidings
"Find your Christmas spirit"
My little brother encourages--
His girlfriend and me.

The single one.
The mighty one
Glitter heels, this red dress
I texted you photos, drunk statements
Quizzed about the love
We shared, that all went to ruin
But afterwards I still
Have continued to lay myself down
Again and again
Hoping for validation, reassurance
Perhaps, so that I don't have to feel like
I was left behind.


Your eyes red with remorse
In the early hours of the morning
But you couldn't give me what I needed
On my ****** cell phone today.

Moments, so many fleeting
Specific moments
I locked myself in my room for hours
I don't know that I slept at all
In the darkness of my room
Like I have always done
When my mind and heart
Can no longer take the outside world.

Deep South, its got its love
But I'm cut from a different cloth
You tried to say
But you wanted to deny
And admit that you actively are trying
To fall out of love with me.

I turned my cell phone off
After crying into the bathroom mat
We are good, we are friends, we are trying
You spin in circles and have said and said
I searched for all the right photos to send you
But I heard your voice
And knew I had to just let you go
Let you and the love you long to fade
In 2015.

Can't stop picking at my neck
Fireball eyes, you pecked my cheek
Like it was the last time of all the times
I look at you and I think
Why do I care?

Sun is shining bright
Sometimes I think you would be relieved
If I disappeared
With my palette of paints,
Sass, and white inner thighs.

Wednesday. We drown our thoughts of each other
But thank God, it didn't go further I think
I wish I could describe, write it all out
Paint with my fingertips just how I wish
I could
Be better about letting go.

Blue and gray text messages
Poetics phrases
How can I help you?
How can we make this work?
You push and you shove
Staring into your phone
It would be easier if I just backed off
But you are too scared to say.

Coffee upon coffee
Delayed answers, avoiding the truth
Red dress, I'll be gone for 3 weeks
Releasing new art and freedom
Into the bright sky
I say I'm sorry
I say sit next to me
I say give me a call
I am here cleaning and sprucing up
The destruction on my own.


I forgot to finish this poem.
But I came back to it now probably about
5 maybe 6 hours later
Honesty can be such a beautiful thing.
All will be well.

What is it about the earlier hours
In the morning
Maybe the sensation of what we felt
What we had
As I watch with knowing eyes
It disappears from my end
In the wise wind.

I guess I wish I had been different
I wish I could have done better
I wish I could have been
I wish I wish I wish
But is it just because it would have been easier?
To keep you?

But I wasn't different
I couldn't have done better
I make myself stop wishing.
As dreams grow and expand
I jump in with all my might
Having time
My key to the front is broken
I stuck it right in the hole, even though it was bent
It came off
I heard it thud in the grass
I started to pick it back up

But I left it there
Rusted gold glimmering in the grass
I imagine the key you held to my heart
Was similar
So I left you to become
Another piece of the grass.

Heres the ******* thing
Heres the ******* truth
The truth of it
******* hit your poison if you need
To hear it.

Just so solidly and with such beauty
Live.
******* laugh.
******* be beautiful
Inside and outside
Be magnetic, charismatic, full of wit
Flirtation
And when an enemy
Or a lost lover
Resides in the room
Hit your poison
If you need
And just
Shut the door to your room
Listening to your favorite running song
In the deepest, secret place
Because lost lovers are lost for a reason
So let them be so lost
As you glide, hover, fly
Above anything earth bound.

Cuz you got on marijuana leaf socks
And that sweet **** gin breath
Your favorite green hoodie
A Black Hawks red tshirt
Your tattoos
Old Hollywood earrings
And left over lips kissed
From last night.

4 gin & tonics
"whats up girl"
Our hands in a fake high five
Like all the tomorrows
All the plans we hoped for
But my tattooed sides hang out of my shirt
Red on my lips
People get to know my name.

Left behind, a million and one times
We text early in the morning
Our insides so vulnerable
I guess you feel better doing what you do
But I wear heels
My own date.

You would hold my purse,
You said with such love
But I need a man to hold my hand.

So I dive in,
Standing next to, owning me
Had I known better
I would never have erred
But I hit that bowl of ****
Leggings and black hawks
I wonder what you must feel
But really.


I don't give a flying ****.

Wake up
Sun greeting
Hit the pavement
Pursue happiness
Do it all over again.

That day is just not today.
Cocktails, deceptive seduction
High heels, feels so good to be
Exactly who I want to be.
But yet I still find myself in moments
Towering over you, like Rapunzel with her golden locks
We smile and are smitten with each others existence
But I jump on trampolines, discuss the deepest and most intricate things
I let men teach me a thing or two
And with strong eyes stand my ground
Another man released himself on me tonight.

Spanish talk, each bill probably about $40
Rain drops, my hair got so soaked
Shirtless, lights in actors faces
My apartment, didn't recognize it
But hit that ****, the boys and me
They wanna think I'm just another silly woman
But they see and they feel, all of them
That I've got some powerful witty fire
In my lungs
And in my eyes.

Be gone, real soon
Bama will hummin' and whistlin' a tune
Mama says she prays for me
She's sure as hell hopin' I'll make it
And that "The One" will soon appear
And sure, Mama, who doesn't want those things
But soon enough.

But balcony moments, city so city lookin'
I feel so--
Serving food to the wealthiest
I hope my heart doesn't ache from what I can't change
For once tomorrow, often a thing I have experienced
Breathing in work environments, day job
Makes you think of love and love lost
Jealousy, is a funny thing
And I know, you, you
We both must experience it.

You owe me a poem
But you claim you don't write much these days
Our bodies, Yin & Yang
Lying on the bed, fearful to touch too much
But you look at me
As if there were a wedding veil on my head
All along.

But theres not
And certainly not for you
And you dance your hardest, looking, hoping
Just STOP.
I throw my dress back on
He bought me an uber
With a flick of my hair, one final moment
I walk on into the night
To feed my own inner cocoon
Because it ain't about nobody right now
Think. Listen.
Take it in. Take me in.
I know you must resist thoughts of me in your mind
Tonight
As I do you, after fleeing my **** scene


How far I've come and got to go.
What a beautiful thing.

Construction noises wake me every morning
White sky greeting my hung over eyes
You keep the gold plated "L" in your wallet.

Music, lyrics sum it all up
I know I'll move on.

Black dress, little knee highs
I danced and sweat on the dance floor
So joyous, so free
Men clamoring up to me
But standing back in awe
I wonder what you must feel today.

I will do things that take me away
I will do things that will make your jaw drop
Sweaty palms on my keyboard now
I didn't mind not seeing you appear in my bed
I wonder what floats and appears in
The deep pits of your little mind.

Exhale the day, this morning
Last night whiskey touches
Out of my worn out lips.

An abundance of words to utter
Theres just no way I can concoct them all
Into the perfect Eutopia inspired cocktail.

A flash of a moment in the deep pits of my mind
A diner, new beginnings, friends in love
In front of us, sweatshirts with birds
Pie, eggs, you paid for
We snuggled and we nestled
Like we were building
Could build
Wanted to build
What does it matter?
Birds nest.

I will forever have the image of our bodies necking and breaking
In my room mates mirror
Forever imprinted like an icon
Or piece of memorabilia
In the waking waves of my mind.

"You give notes in your poetry"
Sometimes the words that come out of you
Fill me with surprise and wonder,
I find myself on the edge of my seat
Listening, wanting, but as if through a megaphone
Pom poms, and my little skirt
You long to pull up with your elegant hands
Stockings slipping from my ankles
Pig tails in your other hand
What erotica, church choirs would sing
Remember that line of poetry you wrote
That I was your deepest *******?
I can't quite remember the exact line
But it probably didn't rhyme
Because I wear white lingerie
Champagne bottles waltzing
As your tie clip no longer resides
Where I created the essence of a musical ******
****** beating booming heart.

You don't appear in my bed tonight
Or touch me as I avert my eyes
The word love used so dearly
I think of life and death
Of how precious it all is
Of regret and guilt
Of all the moments in my life
I see horrific moments and theatrical horror
Parade and play out in my mind, so specifically
So intricately, so realistically
Only to disappear and disappear as I snap myself out of it

If I could get a pair of scissors and slice a piece of my brain off
I would hand approximately 1/3 of it to you--
But just to borrow
Because you understand
Geese, swans, mermaids, moon beams
And all my complexities
As I said and felt like I could genuinely paint
All of the loss in me, around me
Away.

This poem is getting long as ****.
Chicago parties so much
Haunting moments or things I wish I could un-know
I move past them, I move past them
Like every moment your eyes change in tone, mood
When you think of me underneath
Someone else.

I wish
I wish a lot of things
But
I don't know
This poem is really too long now
I'm glad you intend to keep me
So just do.

I guess the truth that I have to face
Is not to ******* my heart with fear
Of rejection or feeling neglected
But with resolve
Nodding at how your heart dangles
From the steepest cliff
Paralysis, constant desire to
Validate, reassure, fulfill
Wanting and longing what was
Rewriting and revising my story
You want to be a supporting character
But in my heart of hearts
I have to just let you
Be a background extra.

Remember how
You chased me down
In the very same neighborhood
We would hold hands, only to
Release them
I release me
I release you
In one ******* hard heap
Tattooed ******* upon *******
But such disappointment
Such, no such thing.
Was it hard to--
Discuss me
Go to bed
Without me
Look at me
Like I was just another friendly face
Replace, replace we tap buttons with our phones to forget
As a married man wishes he could kiss me
But let's make movies with those desired kisses, instead my blonde head wishes and thinks.
"But think nothing of it"
Faces around me echo, but I turn on my camera and write notes in my notebook, like the trophy winning student I once was
Leaving a lipstick stain
Behind
Because, always.

But you. You and I
I know you wish me and the smile you deemed so perfect--
In your Peter Pan cocoon oh you.
What I would do to erase you
To not long for that body up against mine pulsing and longing, dancing
To make me
Everything.
I always said I
Would disappear and I could, I could go, run, fly so very fast
But we both know our hearts
Just. Nothing more to say
Than our hearts.
In time.
We don't touch or we--
Danger zone, forget
But I know you must, you must
Release yourself to my
Little nickname
You called me in the summer of 2015.
In the dark blinks of the moonlight.
Dark lipstick is my knight
In shining armor
Crying tears into technology
You use to call me baby, so sweet
Discussing changing my last name
But my last name will always be mine, even when a ring and the right Love flies me away
You chased me so hard, so fast
Like I was the mezcal
You swung back so fast
Salty to the taste, I remember toasting with you
You couldn't even stay in the room
I just wanted to play
That was really it
That was really all, my love.
But you followed me home
Pinning me up against a wall
"Can't you see that I love you?"
You said, and with salty delicate elegant finger tips
My mark left on your face
That was my answer all along.
But you, you got me to lower my shield, somehow
For a fleeting moment
With narrowed eyes, I gave you a feather
Of my broken wings
I hoped, I hoped, you made it seem
But the truth is
The real truth
Is
Only I have the power to repair my wings
But you watch from afar and dance in your spotlight
Chiming in your raspy song
Handing me the tambourine
Leaving the room to smoke cigarettes
Looking at me as if I were on the other side of the ocean, a sea creature
And we mend
We mend, rinse, repeat
Be kind
Be so kind
Rewind.

Perpetual disappointment
You, like you always do
Disappoint
Calling me up on your cellphone
But you hate that Drake song.

2am, you gotta worship what was
Just as you bail, men chasing me for the night
I wish I didn't give a flying ****.

Plans, we always made the best plans
But something always came up
From your end.

I don't know why I'm surprised
Drinking coffee at 4pm,
I wanted to be alert
Awake
Thinking about you all day.

But you were always one to disappoint
If you call me in the wee hours of the night
Tonight
I don' t know that I will answer
Because you should, you worry
Like you so say you do
And wonder
Where I am.

Saturday night
I put on my best work mode face
My body urging me to take it easy
You pour cocktails from your

I can't even create the word to follow "your"
My mind so over it all.
I throw back the hood around my face
Cocooned in thought, creativity, freedom
Green leaves distracting me
This bottled smoothie tastes like powdered bananas
Undulating the pixie dust
I convinced myself
Surrounded you and I.

I have such intense moments of being so sick of myself.

But I breathe in heavily and with lightness
And forget to breathe out
But a step at a time.

I would I could leave my house
Go for an innocent walk
My ear buds in my ears
Taking in the universe
But theres so much darkness
For a girl to walk into alone, I slightly think

But what can we learn by just staring at technological screens?

Body aching
Eyes dark and drooping
So much writing, thinking
To do.
The sky grows darker out my window
You say you worry, because you still obviously care.

The truth of it all
Is that despite my convincing, my deep loving
Because when I invest, I invest my hardest
I like me better
Without you underneath me.

But we acknowledge there is tension
We text drunkenly at times
We miss and wish we could kiss
Away the marks we left behind.

But a new moment here
A new experience there
I should really drag myself out for that run.

Chicago moves and booms
With everything happening so fast
So intensely
I keep up, sleeping so little so little
But you wanna lecture me and say
That you still care baby.

Lets do indeed,
Toast to us and all the things
We could never be
Thank you for teaching me
And making me a better me
In the end,
With your romantic exit.

But I love you, I do
And my heart has a slight cut
On the right tip
From where you supported
Listened
Held me when I was lost
But in the end
I'm the only one who can free me
From this beautiful, white picket fenced
Bird cage.

Burst into tears
At 11:11am
I could count on all ten fingers
All the things
Just all the things
We as millennials so coyly say.

Of course I miss you
And the way you blinded me
With cheerleading happy go lucky
Love.
But I don't know that its even you
My heart aches for.

We write our new script
We text and we miss
I drink coffee and barely have time to
Process.

I can't eat all that fried chicken
This quail is so gamey
I felt like I was biting into one of my young.

Everything revolves around
******* dollar bills
Warned against ****** openness
I thank the heavens I no longer
Am responsible for your past
I thank the heavens I no longer
Wake up in a room smelling of
What your perhaps, maybe
Potential could be.

"Don't fall in love with someone's potential"
My photographer friend says to me.
I remember, I remember it so well
Sitting in a classroom
Speech & debate, black pant suit
I was just getting started
But I had a legacy, a name
They all whispered
Abandoning the shadow of my brother
A man competed against me
Seemingly harmless
He had a chuckee cheese doll, he sat upon on his desk
I remember performing
He performed right after me.

He came up to me afterwards
And he so arrogantly said
"You have a lot of potential!"
My friends and I all chuckled
This man child with his chuckee cheese stuffed animal
His honest to God terrible performance
I was 4 years younger than him.

I remember at the awards ceremony
Winning first place
I don't think he even placed
And I thought
"Don't ever doubt me."

Don't fall in love with someones potential
Perhaps don't try to predict someone's potential
And most certainly
Never forget your centeredness.

Remember our portfolio of poetry?
Our call and response.
I would write
You would sort of reply?
I stapled them all together
So glad, so relieved to share
Something at last
I stopped sharing at the end
You claim you have written two since then
I have written more than I can verbalize

And at the end
At the end of it all
The sharing felt so good so right
I convinced myself in the morning and in the night
But it was always me calling out
Awaiting your weak inauthentic reply.

Hot coffee rests inbetween my thighs
Voices of family much too loud
For so early in the morning
On the road again, always on the road.

Last night my mind wandered into dark futuristicic dream places
A stroller and I made our way
Around the roads, I mentioned before.

So small, so small
I kept lifting my sweet baby up
And out, to let it breathe
Knowing deep in my heart
It was yours.
We went to see you perform
I remember in my dream world land
How fast and quick
Hip hop, break dance
Clad in orange
Fosse would roll over in his grave
I think Fosse is dead?
You were so good, so skilled
Like a flash of lightning
It made me feel like you must have felt
When you first saw me perform onstage.
Afterwards, you didn't even seem to notice
My small little baby
Our small little baby and I
You quickly left with your troop.
I think you might have waved?
That intense love you clouded me with
Deep in your hazel lost eyes.

My little baby and I
I discovered my baby was a he
And I lifted and lifted him deep out of the cavernous depth of the stroller
Goo goooo gagaing
My little baby--
Spoke full sentences back to me.

I just poured that cup of coffee all
Around and in my inner thighs.
Scalding me and bringing me back to reality
You could never have really
Done me right.

I called you, in the pink ****** bathroom
Of my dream
You answered, interested
And uninterested
"Do you wanna meet your little baby?"
"Your son"
"Your son and I"
The word son had you by your manhood
I could feel your longing and loving
Your forever desire for me
Of a future you longed me to give you
Over the tubes of the phone
A friend of yours walking opposite of me
Ginger hair, pulled me away from the phone
He had to have a talk with me
I think, now remembering this dream
That he warned me and my little baby
To stay away from you.
As if it was to protect you and your career
But maybe, really
The warning was a lighthouse for me.

You, yourself told me in your ninja turtle reality
How you dreamed of this circumstance
And "we did it."
We had that little family though unintentionally
And I could see in your eyes in that moment:
I am everything you want
If only I felt the same, I thought.
But in my nightmare
I'm left alone
As it really was
As it really is
And it doesn't matter how many words of reassurance you give me
There will ways be an epic wasteland
Where you weren't enough
So I let go of the desire to share
To share this, all of it
And write it out instead.

And the hot coffee still stinging
My inner thighs
As everyone in my reality
Stares at their cell phones
And tells me of information
Of people
No longer in my life.

Is it possible
To become addicted to lost love?

I should drink more water
I should sleep more hours
I should think of you less
I should, I should, I should.

A glass of red wine
TMI, mama
The Godfather plays and nods in the background
Huddling and hiding from bullets
What power man has.
Women are more ******, I exclaim.
Mama & papa gotta figure out their own love
As rings solidify a forever entity
Mankind creates and pontificates within barbie dolls
Fairy tale books, but I "gotta stop settlin!'"
This hummus doesn't quite taste like hummus
And you're right, I do wish everything was organic
As I watch reflections in mirrors and wish
Just ******* wish
That human beings never had to experience
Loss, disappointment, or a deep lacking
Of self worth.

"Like I'm just the ugliest thing!"
No, no.
Our faces are road maps
Our bodies are land mines
Our eyes are time capsules and vessels
Kaleidoscopes full of the colors of our
Echoing past, yearning present, and eager future.

I see pictures of you
Of you all, on the internet today
First love is married now
Isn't it so weird to think: I once was everything to that person?
We made our young vows in the Alabama dirt, in our promise rings, and in the *** we didn't even fully, I didn't fully realize,
We were having.
My sweet lost prince,
You lift another curly haired woman high above the ground now
I always thought
I use to think
That would be me
Our high school newspaper wrote
That I would be "by your side selling paintings in Greenwich Village"
Absolutely none of those things came true.

Thank God.

And you
Oh my most recent, you.
You were the first to text me today
To wish me well
No embellishments, just a simple
Phrase, I responded back
A simple, no embellishments reply
As the GM at a restaurant compliments me heavily on my beauty
In front of my father, we both laugh and blush.

Youth, so much power and intensity in youth
An invincibility--I hope I never lose sight of that.
I came across a statue woman today
At a mossy filled gravesite
Its rumored that late in the night
Her head turns, she wanders the ground
Mama claimed she touched her and did not feel life
But I stood a few inches away from you
I could feel your stoney heart beat
Your calculating strong eyes
And how late in night, you must step
Acre to acre
Covering and hovering above the ground.

All the statues had broken wings, broken finger tips
As spiders on trees disguised themselves
Ants biting my crooked feet
I have loved and been loved
So much in my life
Maybe I don't have it all figured out
Maybe I haven't found my soul mate

But I have tasted a slip, a taste, a quality
Within it all
And like the angel with a broken wing
As everyone else slumbers
We fly above ground.

Its cold as *****
In this little bougie hotel
Tour guide refers to his mouth as
"His crawl."
The Deep South yawns strings of pearls and white linen
Out of its luxurious mouth
Honeysuckle Rose Martini
A dash of lemonade
Remember when you came up to me
Your little dancer boy swagger

And you so joyously but cautiously touched my shoulder:
"Can I call you Lemon?"
I remember turning to my left, looking at you
Such happiness and newness in my eyes
Twinkling, don't go to the skatepark
"Yeah!" I said
Just waiting for you to come back.

I guess I have spent a lot of my life
Waiting for him or that--
To come back.
A slew of I love you's
A slew of promises and futures
My heart half in and half out
Of every single bit of it
An invisible stop sign in my face
Breaking and tearing
But ultimately surrendering
Down my own path

Poverty
Women
Black lives matter
White privilege
Terrorism

Why why why?

Riots in Chicago last night
I'm not a traditional religious woman
But I whisper to the goodness of the universe
That everyone in this world
Be kept safe.

Heres a written letter of my possible fruitful future
Don't toss me away
Don't look past what I could do
Brother goes on and on
About solar panels
Do something for the world, he says
As we debate and pontificate over our
Abundance of food
Good company and heads on our bodies
All I wanted to do was call you.

I don't know why some people don't text back
And I don't know why some people put guns in their hands
And I certainly don't know why more people don't just sit down
To write.

Playing footsie with autumn leaves on the ground
Hearing story after story about Jim Williams
Restorationist, murderer--his spirit lives on
In this here southern lil town
Lets stare at his old paintings
Or right where he passed away
Wander through his house
And wonder how and why his legacy stayed.

Do something for the world?
Awaking numb, words are even such a chore
But you said, you said they were my tool

I plug my phone in across the room.

A purple knowing bruise
On the side of my hand
Walls or the bathroom sink
Alcohol licking my insides
I haven't been this worn out
In what seems like a long time.

Cocktails we so sadly but
Eloquently cheers
You in your big baggy work tshirt
You pay and kiss my lips
But can't risk
Further heart destruction
You did not deny
That you are worse off than me
But you say my name and give me
Such love
Even though
You will never be
I represented old Hollywood glamour
As people passed us on the street
I noticed for the first time
What we must really look like together.

Your eyes and body longing
We would reach across the table
Talking for miles and miles
As if we were over seas
Or plotting potions
To make the other one
Understand.

I watched a horse drawn carriage pass me by
In the Deep South tonight
And all I could think--
Just such deep pity for that wild
Horse.

Hands free, my dress flying in the winds around me
I had a moment at dinner tonight
Where I thought:
"I might go back to the hotel and weep tonight before bed."

Warnings of riots, violence surrounds us
But even in my worst moments
I scrounge up every effort
To just ******* give kindness.

Mothering my mother
I told papa it was walnuts
I look around at my glowing family
Not drinking, to everyone's big surprise
And perhaps, disappointment
Because my body and my face
Has recently become the epitome
Of liquid but so FREE
Poison
But I thought:
I thought.
I thought so many little
And monumental things.

Will anyone ever be good enough?
Jaguars leave behind a special scent
But as soon as the sun comes out
It dissipates.

I've lost weight.
I plot the next tattoo to ink my lungs
My ribs, beneath my perky *******
You would think I would have written a million
Poems, to cope with yesterday
But I don't really know what to say.

There. In your Peter Pan Syndrome filled world
Ninja turtle clad never ending story
The Lost Boys reside filling their cups with whiskey
Your body on mine felt so small
So childlike, as you repeat and create phrases
I saw you for the first time
For who and what you really are.

"I will always want you. I will always love you. And I'm always going to be in love with you."
Its so painful to hear you say
As I wept into your arms
**** it all out,
A girlfriend of mine wisely spoke
Of the past and I knew our bodies had to sign a treaty.

A treaty of peace and knowledge
As a knock on the door warns against toxicity
Pollution.
I love who you are
But you are not meant for me.

Dress in white tonight
My eyes and face so weary yesterday
You kissed me and kissed me
As if I would disappear in your fingertips
Because I do and I will.

But lets stay strong
Lets stand next to each other
As I recycle and replay
Your words
Secret recording device
But I don't let it haunt me
I free myself, cooking
With no music
Spicy and ripe just for The Lost Boys
And I'm ******* Captain Hook.

They all wanna utter a word, make a comment
But you and I
We know whats what.

"I was in it to win it. You destroyed my heart. You made me believe I wasn't enough."
We paint portraits of our pain
Saying and whimpering your name
I keep myself in check
With how much I love myself
Without your invisible leash and puppet strings
And if dance took you away
I would kiss and dance with you
And wave a peaceful and heartfelt
Goodbye.

But lets arm and arm
Mend the wounds
Turkey bathes in hot water
We must all be so thankful
All be thankful
You taught me a lot
You loved me so well
So well.
But this Peter Pan land
I can no longer reside--
But only visit.

What will it take
For me to
Erase the memory of your defeated eyes
From my mind
"Its is no longer your responsibility"
A catalyst of strong women
Whisper and soothe
All around me.

I wish I had known better
I wish I had not lost sight of myself
As you create barriers, shields, and oceans
Between us
I guess your soul and heart
Must really ache.
But I have done all I can do.

I have to cut the slices of my mind away
That start to drip and tick with worry
Paranoid, 8 people turn in unison
Asking, waiting, talking
Such non-stop pecking
I let myself breathe out
As a few pat me on the back
My face looks so tired
I dream so deeply and vividly of my past
Curl into my bed happy
To be without you
But oh, the repercussions
For things I never really did
Or meant to do.

I wish I could light a match
And burn that orange sweater on fire
I wish I could switch back time
And take you for what you just were
I wish I had known better.

But I didn't
And I couldn't
And as much as I have to play games with my mind
To keep you at bay
Its 8 people that really make me stay away
Without even meaning to.

But I release it into the very blue sky
I wonder if you feel happier without me
I know you wonder the same
Perhaps in time
Perhaps in time
But that day is just not today.

I think back on all I've done
All I've seen
As I barely have a moment
Men open doors and chase me down
But I know the right one
Has yet to take a seat in front of me.

But I play
And I wear and shred wedding dresses
Forget whatever heaven is
You were never going to be
What you could be.

Eyes heavy
I remove memories and lies
From the shattered places of my mind
And sweat and dance it away
There is nothing more I can do.

Its so hard to leave the house today
Its so hard to feel good today
Its so hard to give a **** today
Its so hard to fake a smile today

My throat ached at 4 in the morning
Tossing and turning
You are in every single one of my dreams
On drugs throughout the night and day
Until I closed my eyes, aching
I felt so free at the time
Not sleeping a wink at night
Snuggling dear friends
Discussing now and then
I thought we were everything.

I guess I was so wrong
And thats what hurts most of all
But everyone cheers and chants:
You are so very strong.
Better without him
And its true
But I wish I didn't have to leave my room
I could just kiss goodbye
To what we had, what I thought we were
And what we turned out not to be
I imagine you must be working right now
Making up your cocktail recipes
Rattling and yapping
At anyone who will listen
My God, I tried.


I really did.
But there is no world in which
You metamorph
There is no world in which
I become the girl you wanted me to be
Because I am all woman
Its not even that I'm lonely
Or long to be with you still
I just wanted you to be more man.

Aching and contemplating
I wish I felt more motivated today
Everything a chore, just get me through this week
I wish I could go back to dancing so freely in front of a mirror
But I now have that beautiful memory
Within me
And it wasn't because of you
It wasn't because of any man
I just gave myself permission
To be exactly who I am.

Am I a joke
A fake
Easily replaced?

My face pounds from tequila
And red lipstick stains I left on a man
Whose name I will never
Want to remember
I danced so wild and free
Anything to erase memories
Of what you meant to me.

In my Libra mode
I remember crying into the phone
I needed you so much
But it was never enough
You sought attention else where that night
Out of spite
If I could look back and try
Once more
I would have walked out the door
Many moons before.

I painted myself up so pretty
For you and you
Adderall kicked in so hard
Its 6AM and I could argue
Until my lips turn blue
But you blame me and you shame me
But I all I ever wanted was to be adored.

I guess I
Just won't really
Be feeling
Another romantic
For quite some time.

Your face haunts and blows secrets
Into the pits of my mind
No way to share the excitement
I wander into the pool, on my own.

I know you too,
But feel the same
Every face that blinks
I think of where else I could be
If only I could clone 3 of me.

In time, in time
I edit, write, and tweak
A fantasy
To cope and move forward
Leaving our love in the wasteland.

And flying ******* free.

Moving forward
"Onward & Upward"
I plan and I plot
Coffee spilling out of my lungs
As my heart aches with what once was
I know you must,
In your boy filled cocoon
Miss and long for me too.

"Its been so weird."
You said, I will never forget
Or stop replaying the look in your
Hazel eyes
The love won and lost.

We wanted so much
We planned so much
We hoped for so much
As my filthy hands longed to hold us together
We fell apart like shattered skeletons
But you assured me time will heal and mend.

I'm just so glad
My words, my thoughts, my art
Could speak to you for the final time
I imagine we will come face to face
Our hearts both pounding and echoing
Our friends surrounding us
While I dodge the blame of men around me
There was no world in which
You morphed into the man
I need and long for.

Showing up, airplane
You skateboarded past me
But truth be told,
I never intended for such depth
But I don't regret it
And I can't keep it
But I like ME, better
Without you.

The sky looks so sad today
As if still recooping from the loss of sunshine
I thought the world of you
But I never really saw you
Until you wronged me
But it was much too late.

"You didn't turn out to be who I thought you were."
What a painful and heart breaking phrase
But I copy and paste
Authenticity
Sleeping in another mans bed
Here and there
But I hesitate to give myself away
Because I know I can pleasure me

Mamas always got something to say
But your caliber was not quite
In line with mine
But I spit and frolic
My hands lifted into the sky
Free, the noose around my beak
I let it fly free in the wind.

Because right now
I'm all I need.

To be alone again
I rise and pick my head out of the earth
As it thunders and clamors in the night
Alone,
On my own,
Again.

I reflect and inspect
What my life has been
Remembering when
I made a palette on the floor
For this man or that
We gobbled up our turkish delights
As if Narnia would never end
But really, I could never
Hold the pieces together
In my long thin hands.

I decipher and try to construct
Skyscrapers, wondering, pondering
Why? Why not?
But I can see this entity
The right kind
In my eyes
In my mind
In my heart
Find me, in time.

Settling, its a thing I have done so well
I kissed away each stab of poison  
The wounds and cuts your harsh words
Left behind
Like glittering glass
Marks and darts across my porcelain skin
It felt so good to be worshipped
By another, late into the night.

With my arms behind my head
Examining my lips, my tattoos
Or taking brief pauses
In awe, my serpent siren
Peeking under the rolling and booming
Ocean waves.

Free again
Flying, with my wings looming over the ground
It all feels so small, so minuscule
As my bank account whimpers at me
I just wanna ink up
Ink up, my insides
To look just like
The beautiful light I am.

One last one.
Like a distant shadow now
Lemon drops and cardinal creamed beginnings
We wanted to be everything.

Promising rings and things for a better tomorrow
I told you all my dreams, as you watched with such hope
As ink and pain whistled and contemplated my legacy and name
I could say I'm sorry with every brush stroke
Bat of my eyelash
As you calculate my cold business demeanor
But what you don't know
Is how every tendon in my body dropped
As words came out of my mouth
To fully release you
To fully release me
From what we longed to be
"Forever."

A swan on your leg, what heaven
We danced into the moonlight
As never ending tears flood my face
I never thought it would come to this
But here I am, my bloodied heart in my hands
Once again.

But I will pick up my camera
My elegant long legs
And document just how much we meant,
Again.

Words, words
We coo and screech what we needed to say
As we both fight with blind helmets on
I never meant to--
I never tried to--
You thought that--
You wanted me to--
The betrayal we can only hope time will mend.

I use to imagine you
Deep in the pits of my colorful and chaotic mind
Dancing and celebrating
Marks all over our toned backs
I hope we never have to fully
Lose that
But I respond with ferocious strength
Making canvases in every crevice
You say you will always be on my team
I only ever want to lift you--
To lift every man and woman
Into the glorious sunshine
While my inner moon beams and shines.

Do you remember when
You would call me late into the night
With your side stepping antics
Love, you love so well
I never meant to make you feel so lost.
I would say I'm sorry
As we watched Adele foreshadow our ending.

If I ripped my heart out
And let you eat it for breakfast
It wouldn't change a **** thing.

But I hope
I hope that in time
We can bring our weapons
And set them aside
Just a cafe, "take 2"
Cold heart break left at the door
Lay it all out on the table
And move forward with love
And our own beginning in our eyes.

I stumbled across some eggplants today
They were bulbous and scratched
Inside and out
I stood in front of them
For what seemed like a very long time
"He really wanted you to be The One, Lemon."
That phrase echos and rings in my head
Haunting me like lemon drop shots
Or all the love we forgot
To share.

Two good people
Two wrong entities
But they meant everything.

I'm sorry
I love you
I miss you
I wish, I just wish

The typical words that go storming and parading
Around in my head, I wish things
Could have been different
Hearing the words over and over
"He wanted you to be The One."
Tears trickling down my face every time
I imagine your pain
The heart break I caused you
As you let me soar, fly free, only to leave
You, down on your knees
Is the truth.

If I could paint a picture
And make you understand
I know deep in my heart
You will never be the right man
But God, how I wanted it
God, how I wanted you
But I slow myself down
As I fling myself into an oblivion
Which sometimes I confuse for loneliness
Abandonment, self loathing, and chaos
You whistled and hummed against me
So many times.

I've barely eaten today
Everything is such a chore
As clocks remind me I cannot stop
And men like you try to drain me
Like the tub that gets full of my roommates
Manes
I wish I wish
No,
I really don't.

I hope in time
You will open your eyes
As The Betrayer himself cooed late into the night
"It was hard for me to leave you. I didn't want to."
They always want me to be the one.

But when will the beautiful day come
Where I'm not looking
And I've got my beautiful white gold
Embellished in roses and fire
That a very brave, kind, strong
Warrior man
Will reveal himself to me
And always give me his hand.

I don't know
I thought that day would be sooner
I suppose
But here I am,
Shuffling through a deck of cards
Only to find
No aces or spades
That long and call my name.


But you tried
And I tried
We all did.
But I look next to me
Beside me
In front of me
And I find great comfort
In letting you go.

I take a step back
I let myself cry over colorful sweaters
And how you told me I was your angel
Just two weeks ago
I know you must replay and replay
My cold business and vivid eyes
In your mind, a thousand ******* times

So I leap and I dance
With no choreography
Or specific motifs
Tableus
Or set gestures planned


Because swan dives
Are the best
Pure and spontaneous.

You weren't who I thought you were.

Everything, you
Fell out of my hands with one big
Clamoring heart beat
All I can do now is work it out through poetry
You are right, you will appear in all of my work now.

And I hope it cripples your heart
I hope you wake up in the morning
With a flat, lost feeling
Because you no longer
Have me.

An empty space
Or the blanket you use to wrap up in
Because I always stole all the covers
I move past the pain.

All the promises of a future
I think I knew all along
Would never occur
Wedding dress whistling in the wind
We discussed the names of our children
As you plotted and drunkenly told
Anyone who would listen
You made my plans
Your plans
I should have seen through
The enormous pacifier in your ***** lips.

You always wanted everyone to watch you
I tried to be a spectator in the crowd
As you drug me in further and further
With deceit and expletive filled promises of love
You weren't who I thought you were.

So in this eerie world covered in cob webs
Fresh blood from my throat
I string my pearls around me now
The prettiest ending
Anyone ever did see.

Every whiff my nose inhales
I fear reeking and smelling of you
Red blemishes shouting what could have been
I erase every line of a profound prophetic future
You dangled in front of my face
Of what you pretended was unity
You and the guilt you surely
Must still carry, like a tourtoise shell
On your man child back
I should have known
There was no real forever
In your deception, manipulation
And clouded lullabies.

The train huffs and puffs
In the blue line station
As my stomach grumbles and rumbles for food
Everything was unappetizing to me
Until really today
And my nose tricks me
My fingers tell me otherwise
Longing for your scent to disappear.

So I don't reply
And I don't weep siren tears
But my heart just skipped a slight beat
When I thought I saw you
Through the blue line windows.

It wasn't you.
And a bearded man across from me
Looked at me with solemn interest
I pull myself out of sadness
Getting teary in the Forever 21 downtown
I ponder how to return your clothes
With avoidance of you and your *******
Because I don't want you in my house
I don't want you in my room
I don't want you in my head
I don't want you in my bed
And there it is circling and twirling:
With the gleeful vengeful thought
That your body is marked forever by my spiritual and sensual
Essence
Even if you had the nerve to claim
I wasn't your forever.

And that brings me real pure joy
I leave my friends early
I wrote a poem on the train
I forgot my headphones at home
I continue to lift myself out of
What I thought we were

There is so much love and strength
I have so much love and strength
No one holds me back.

Spray painted red mane
Duplication, imitation, mutant
I'm so glad you and your blades
Were and are no where
To be found
Because I look and process
Sharpness, myself
Maybe it wasn't your supposed
Softness, I needed
But your selfishness
Spoke volumes.

Here we are again,
My secret hell, surrounded by failed
Relationships, a glamourization
Of feminine tragedy, painted so beautifully
Wedding ring man, says he's 40 with a wife
I wish I could have duplicated myself
All around the room, and horrified
Horrified
Horrified you.

What is it about men
What is it about women
Fluidity but we excuse
"Genetic Behavior."

I would rather be a mutant.
I'm sure you close your eyes from time to time
Haunted by my smile, and lack of
Moon beam shine
I am best at leaving marks behind.

Releasing me from my bird cage
My finger tips and lips
Only breathe life into
Intricate, one of a kind art
As I look up at the sky
Recognize,
The sky is truly the limit.

It all makes sense now
I could never really see you
Standing next to me
Clouding me with pretty words
And your manipulative over bearing love
I don't know that you even know
What and who you are.

Dropping responsibility
I painted myself black and blue
Disappearing into the night sky
Metamorph queen, ******* moon beam
I was always all those things
I know your heart must ache.


I wish I hadn't gotten so caught up
So invested, my feet barely touching the ground
I stopped seeing everything around me

So I open my eyes wide
I find solace in my solitude once more
I breeze and waltz through opening doors
My phone buzzes and chimes less
No reason to stress
"He is out there"
They all say, and I believe them

I taste every moment.

I guess all I can really say
Is I wish I had known better
I wish I hadn't fallen so hard
Invested so much
Given my ****** beaten to hell heart
Away, so willingly.

But I have wings on my back
And I hope it breaks your heart
To see me forever imprinted on your ankle
I guess I'm sorry I couldn't be a perfect
Piece of lemon happiness
I'm sorry your mother made assumptions
Before even really knowing me
I'm sorry you are so young and foolish
But above all
I'm sorry you set me free.

But thank you, thank you
For the freedom
I know I'll be so glad in the end
Because the sun still shines
My hair grows longer
Opportunity wields and sings my name
So I fly out of my cage
Away from weakness
Our poetry just wasn't enough
You are right,

You weren't enough.
But I am.

Screaming in-between bites of avocado
Vegetable intake, cheese is a no go
My ******* inched up together
A line running down the back of my legs
Velvet and pencil skirt frame and ooze
Sensual elegance.

If I could, I would make vats of fake blood
Dribble it so sexually around my ravenous lips
Slapping so hard, impulse says you deserved that
And you are, and you should be
So very very sorry.

I won't have to utter a sound tonight
With my cape full of wisdom and fight
Lazer beam eyes
Black haunting mouth
Radiating productivity and drive
Your hair and demeanor so cold
But you know its worth the fight
I know its worth the fight.

In my Libra mode, lights off
Bed is only comfort
I wish I could slash my wrists
If it would punish
If it would
Bring resilience
But I breathe life into nothingness
And create wild beauty instead.

Bend me over, the table
You wish you could have a piece of this
But blood, my ****** heart
Pounds and pulses
As I give and give and give it
Away.

Are you
Be
Just be
Brave enough to
Surrender to my lightning bolts.

Library books, we tuck and nestle
Forgetting our parents, whistle
Don't look at them
But southern text books, performing
In ballet flats, I popped--performed voice
Give me that trophy, if it means
If it means
First place in my own heart.

Defining myself through opportunity
Its only the best if I'm the best
Mama Bear thinks she has a lot of rights
But she and the dogs
In a large house
I wonder, ponder
If she feels loneliness
Papa, papa lawyer
He argues and debates that case
As I grew stronger and wiser
Riding around around in his Mercedes-Benz
Oh to be in sixth grade again
But I check my white privilege.


Scavenger hunt adventure
I felt everything so intensely
So viscerally
I fought for those brown eyes--blue eyes
To a joyful and steadfast hazel
Love finds you when you don't search.

Everything was so important
So deep, so sensational
Smoking in my bathroom like a bad *****
Alabama.
Philadelphia, we danced a fighting partnership
As I peacefully and hectically
Piece together
The me that has always been there
In Chicago,
But this is by no means
My last stop.

So I cough up my heart
Stained in ****** vulnerability
Empowering those who gaze at me
I dig my hands into the dirt
Because its time
A young woman did so.

We **** like adults
We love like adults
But we hide underneath our child-like skin
Underneath a mountain of sheets
Words we try not to repeat
But keep me in the palm of your hand
As you take pictures of my blue painted toes
A flame bursting and caressing
Within me.

Internal space has got some shape
Dark thoughts I try to replace them
Piano sounds swirling, identify this or that
Movie cameras blink, blink
Snap me back into being grateful
For my luck, my surroundings.
Maybe its the holes in the dirt
Outside the view of my window
Or how when I want total control
I imagine hurling myself in front of a car
Or cleaning knives
Like just how I have picked them up throughout all my life
But life as a Ukrainian doctor told me:
"Life is beautiful."

Cathartic, out of body experience
I can't control what I say when I ******
Wail your name with whimpers
Every time you leave my arms
I worry when I will see you again.
I don't know what that is
I don't know what that means
But you tell me and tell me,
You are in this for the long haul.

I dreamed of betrayal and a lost soul last night
Your warm compact body next to me
I don't think you will ever really understand
Me, and all my complexities
But I see you leaping over the highest mountains
Never ending roof tops
That splinter and break
Underneath your perfect made
For grace,
Feet
If it meant, you would get to my embrace.

Your past coos out icy cold fingers from time to time
As mine rolls in hurricanes and thunderous ocean waves
I accept and try to forget
All the fear of the deep south.

Late hours, ticking clocks
Words I don't know what I will speak just yet
But I want to be the glamorous woman next to you
Full of power and freedom
As you, your tattooed longing lips
Reminding me to breathe
Keeping me sane

You are my fire dancer
Within my licking flames.

Painting on the floor
Box can store
Mirror needs to be hung with
Tight rope, a little elbow grease
Unfinished gypsy land magic dream
But sometimes I have to remind myself
Of the magical pixie dust
I formulated around me.

Old lovers, past words, remove them
Like the cloths I seem to have outgrown
Ready for a new revolution,
Evolution, change
Vine leaves encircling and embracing
My velvet porcelain skin,
Everyone raises their hands to whisper
Amen, but I went my own way.

I remember pumpkin and long winded text
Raven hair, urging him and him
Stay, haunted tiny apartment complex
Kitty Kat smelled just like Halloween
Pollution, revelation of secrets
Shark fangs and badness
Escalating through my hips
My lips.

Times have changed, now
A new fall
A new chapter of the Bible
I wittily name all my spotify playlists
But actively hope for help
My mood swinging like a clock
That somehow forgot the
Figurines of time.

You express yourself through physicality
Fluid movement, isolations
Poetic potions you use a hint of lemon
My juices, inspire and teach you
But I think it might be you
I hand my graded paper to
In the end.

Lets bathe our selves in the smoothness of
What resides in my beside table
I ***** onto every fleeting moment
As if it were the last
As you remind me
"Think of the past two days, we are good"
I don't think I have ever in my
Almost 25 years
Had a man comfort me
With sincere goodness.

September.
Finger tips and puffs of smoke clouds
Remind me of what I had,
Who I was
The Old Crow I ****** down
Camera flickering on and off
It has taken me so much work
To get to here,
Now.

Luck.
Goodness.
Sincerity.
Courage.
Newness.
I face the calamities of my girlfriends around me
My face once bleeding with the past
I put it all on screen
Live in past moments, move away from them
Forever.
For it made me who I was, who I am
And is no more.


I'm good.

Toothpaste on my tired,
Tiered--you would incorrectly spell--
Weary face
I think to myself, laughing
You move and breathe
Like a little dancing monkey
Pulling my pigtails, legs back
Don't be timid baby.

Tears early morning, so soon
Cuddling alone, I've known it so well
I place mirrors on the tips of my fingers
Paint portraits of the moon in me
If it meant we could be a we
A we with you.

I love you
You say your voice strong, fearful
As a pout takes over my lips
There just never seems to be enough time
For me and you.

I would wake up at 6AM
If it meant, I could be a we with you
But you are right,
I dance my own dance
I always have
But there is room next to me
For only you.

Towering in steel toe combat boots
Or the **** heels I bought just for you
I wanna cut and slice my hair
But the boys all got something to say
The nerve, the nerve my feminine drunken voice
Wails but you gotta know the answer
You wanna know all my secret thoughts
Behind my knowing and calculating eyes
Maybe then, maybe then you could
Pinpoint me with simple answers
But I'll never be a riddle to figure out.

Catharsis, an entity I breathe and long for
This male filmmaker can't seem to remember
To follow through with his word
While every woman in the room
Turns to see my response, waiting for me to stand up
But sometimes,
I don't want to stand up
I have stood up alone, sat next to empty chairs
For a very long time now.
A sadness at acknowledging the emptiness in front of me
Next to me
But you

You.
With your quick steps and repetitive fluid movements
You challenge me and keep me addressed
Your meaningful and talk of eternal worlds
We watch ourselves through a plethora of others eyes
But you are right,
At the end of the day
Its just you and me.

I don't really know what else to say
A hiatus and whirlwind of adjusting
I was bound to get thrown in the dust
Of the Windy City
But as I do,
Limb by limb, I heave and pick myself back up


Your hand outreached to me.

Marilyn Monroe at a state of glamourized rest
Face mask, whip that, tired eyes
You lift me high above your head
So patient, so kind
My worst enemy is, is
Me.

Hood pulled over my head
Jobless, hit the ground running
Writers block--procrastinate
Criticize through whiskey eyes
But all I want is to let
Let myself
Worship you.

Rays of unending sunshine
We could articulate our thoughts
Into a colorful dance,
I need to let myself believe
I am more than enough.

My hair never felt so good
To fling and swing
Into the windy city trap house
Lights, but at the end of the day
We are all just a bunch of skeletons
Longing for happiness,
Inner peace
Be with me, be with me.

"You love this song baby"
Drag me away from my own mind
Your presence, love
You are not what I expected.

"Its in your poetry"
My room mate said to me late last night
Soft lips, girl gang
I just wanted you next to me all night
I'm sorry to be such a flurry of colorful streaks
Like my lioness mane,
You said, you uttered
So calmly, so well
Be mine.

Hours without you, time ticking by
I strengthen my soul


I'm so in love with you.

Flickering, musical flight
Out like the night--
I couldn't find or hunt
The moon--
But my breath is
So held at this brink
I clasp and reach for
Ribbons of green
Lavender, the pinkest succulent lip feathered secret
Joy.

We can salsa--with
Our textiology, monopoly
Words--as we share
Bites of a fruit
No one has scientifically
Labeled in black and white
Dynamite
Hear and open to a song
That once made my heart  
Why live and whisper in spite?

Will you look like
****** leaves,
Can't find the word
Stopping halt
Don't retreat
Don't retreat
I barricade myself from, from
Like my stage combat teacher
Who wore whiskey, looking
At us young women
For his everyday way.

You typed and sang
Out so plainly
But my siren song
Rings high above the rest
Facebook pictures
Tag your name
I'll send the emoticon
With the big heart
Eyes, just
Just
Just.
Just.

See-saw
With me.

First & last date
Clinking glasses mouthing how long
Our sweet summer skin has waited
I loved, what I saw
I loved, loved
What I felt
Just like the morning--your white
Tennis shoes on, so ***** with nothing
But dancing, you just wanted to
Ring me out like a towel
On the urban city beach
But you felt that your voice chanted
And chimed too fast,
But all I wanted, was to be next to you.

Southern sweet relaxation livin'
As feature length words escalate and twirl
In the deepest and darkest circles
Of my intricate, complicated melody
Of a mind
Just wanna, wanna put my lips
Place my lips on your shining lips
Once, once again.

Sunshine if I could mirror myself
Holding wind chimes and four leaf clovers
In the palms of 3 days time
I hope you stay
I hope I stay
I hope we stay.

Cellphone figurines, hits so close to home
Authentic full circle--I always escape
To the sweetest taste of mama and papa
Bringin' home the bacon
But I think we could, we could
Lets not look anymore.

If I placed my lips, my lips
On your glistening ray filled skin
Do you think, think
I could keep you from never
Wanting to look again?
With my multicolored soul.

Lets lie on the mattresses of living in the moment
I can sit cross legged in front of you
As we see flashes of ruddy chubby cheeked
Children's faces, we want the future
We want forever
My lips, my lips
If I placed them, placed them
Would you cup them with
Everything you've got.

Mattress on the floor
Dark circles under eyes
So hard to even read or write
I tend to make
Mistakes
At the end of my shift
But I don't tempt or kiss
Dreaming of phrases and moments
Proclaiming, undulating
In my spinning lofty
Rainbow colored head.

Blood soaked ****** floor
You wanted to see the light
In my eyes, my soul
Flicker on and off
Play an accordion
To the sounds of me
Letting go of all the
Wart covered toads.

There was a mural on the wall
My favorite of them all--
I wish the sun layed here next to me
His breath heavy, meaningful
The mural--a beautiful
Long wavy haired blonde woman
A red rose inbetween her fingertips
Her mouth like a violent stain
As a cowboy man, holding a guitar
Watched her back from afar--
I would stand at the foot of this mural
Memorizing and photographing
The contour and color, her red lustful
Dress
"I want to look like that somebody"
I would whisper to myself, at a young ripe age.

Scratches on my forehead
Leaping for rhe frisbee--too tired to recognize
Goodness
A *******, the sunshine gleams and grabs my hand
I'm at my best
When I waltz.

Alabama grass and money all around
Close my eyes--gypsy filled room
I committed the worst deed
As men at the bar taunt and tease
I hope you will always all remain my
Boys of the summer.

No threat, just kept
My heart, bulbous and so lively
But I need a hand to hang this
Painting, build this bed off the ground
I try to loathe
Correction.
Love
Me.
Forget cut up hats
And having my lips shushed
Holes in the wall next to my head
Or bribery filled with distant trips
That never existed
But thank you, thank you
For making me
The powerful *****
I am today.

I don't need any whiskey
Or glowing ****

Tonight.

I hit this bowl to my face
Blow up mattress last night stay
I can't figure out how to cover the ikea
Built sofa, as the older generation
Pens and pencils in their hands
Waiting and procrastinating
They think they have too much of me
In their category.

But I don't wait
Pontificate, an army of dreamers next to me
Unpack suitcases and drawers of clothes
My mouth so wet with the thought
Of physical sunshine back in my life
I know you have loved hard
You know I have loved hard
But the ice in my coffee has completely melted
Lets just be ready for each other.

Maybe its betrayed kisses
Or my temple that keeps spasming
Caffeine, lack of sleep, pick me up
You think I'm so **** in my little barbie top
But I feel most free with no make up.

Colorado, years we fantasize upon
As the demons of my lurking past
Sometimes whip and bite into my chest
Nostalgia should have been my middle name.

14 days?
We count down, whisper and say
Each others name
Late into the night as the moon coos and whimpers
Every time we release
To the thought of each others skin again.

Let me be
Let me let me
Be the moon fanged woman
To change everything.