I guess I was just so disappointed to see you go
Making me sad on Saturday nights seems to be a trend
But I know you are just a man
With an array of your own feelings,
Your own heartbreak.

I bet you are covered in sweat,
Doing your thing
Moving so fast, so quick
Forgetting my face
My name
Anything.

"Consider this over."
"Fine"
You said in reply
Contemplating your response, to give up
Or to persuade me otherwise
But you can't and won't ever do that
Too proud
To be such a little thing.

The past few days we felt pretty good,
Strong, on our way to figuring out whatever this was
I sat at this very same desk
Trying to reassure you on the phone
You were too busy for me
You were too busy for me
You were sorry to be too busy
You are seeing other people "sorta"
You said
You signed us up to continue purgatory

But I abandoned steering my sinking ship.

I jumped, leapt off the ship
I could feel myself heavy with the weight of it all
My first mate, you
You tried what you could
An anchor here, an anchor there
You even poured us glasses of mulled wine
To make the water flooding in feel
More sensual
But it wasn't enough.

At last, after days, weeks, months
Of feeling the water surround me
My toes, my ankles, my calf muscles
Once it hit the tip of my heart
I knew it was too late
As you perhaps wined and dined another
Your phone was on silent
Or turned off
You said this morning
But don't judge your life or your choices
Sending me a long explanation
I read it, skimmed through it
You tried to tag it with some goodness
Perhaps as you threw the last drop of mulled wine my way
The dark clouds and storm surrounding my face
I took one big breath

And I dove off the ship
I flew into the water
Cold splashing echoing and singing
Sharks and fish swimming among me
I started to drown
As you looked down at me from up above, as you continued to sink
You and your date.

At first I thought, this is it
This is the end of me and all my dreams
The things we talked about, wanted together
They are all permanently gone now
I will never see the moon, the sun again
But something within me changed
A fighting resilience, a need to move past this
Painful moment
So I filled my lungs with what air I could
And limb by limb I swam and I struggled
And swam and struggled
And my blonde tendrils and green eyes
Pearly whites, opened and beamed from underneath
The chaotic sea.

As I rose up, I saw the ship was gone
Except for the tiniest glimmer of a flag
It was white and shined into the moonlight
As if to surrender
And you were gone.

I swam back to the shore, it took me
Buzzing hours, ticking clocks, repeating minutes
As I saw your plaid shirt in the museum
Your white tennis shoes at the foot of my bed
You leaning me down onto comforting blankets
Penetrating me with all you've got as you said:
"You like that baby?"
All of it, all of it, all of the images flooding and circulating
Hitting and smacking my mind like all of the hundred times
You disappointed me.

But as I washed ashore
My hair enveloped in long mermaid braids
My lips freshly pink from sea salt
My long legs shiny from octopus ink
My ******* perky from sharks nibbling
And lastly my nearly flooded heart beating
And pulsing from escaping
The story of our love, I tried to recreate.

I rewrote it, hand held a camera to it
I inked it into your skin
Like all the times we could remember when
You kissed me like there never was
Never could be
Never will be
Anyone else, quite like me.

Cinematic, absurd, dramatic, sweet as ****
Amazing. Your favorite word to describe me
I think my heart hurt most of all today
Imagining what you must be feeling
The idea of hurting and wounding you
Crying and sobbing about what I wrote
Nestled in my cocoon
I wash my sheets tonight
Because it is truly, finally time
To ******* start over.

I meant what I wrote in your birthday poem
Every word
Every lick of love, doubt, skepticism
I guess I hoped that would be enough
That after "the emotional journey" we have been on, as you
Yourself put it
That your turn around time, to searching for someone new
Would be more relaxed
But it wasn't.
And thats what hurt me the most
Thats what made me leap off that boat
And shined a light on where your priorities really are.

So yes.
Fine
No period
You are trying to do you
As you type and text my full name
Just yesterday a pet name
You sent me an article about cuddling
I thought we were headed in a good place
But this purgatory hell
Of not knowing, of not fully giving
Of looking around and you feeling like you aren't enough
I've said it time and time again

9 months today.
How much longer will I torture myself
As I print, staple, and sign
The final page of our book
I'm sure some other poetic words will spill out
But I send it out, metaphorically for now
And watch how it develops on a new path
As I laugh, smile
Accept and linger in gratitude
From all I learned from you.