Hey Askim I can’t sleep… Maybe it’s the blood moon lunar eclipse. I’m restless tonight.  My heart is restless.  I miss you.

I’ve resisted the urge to write to you… mainly because we both needed to find our feet again, and partly because it’s not fair that you get these notes and I get nothing :/

But that’s life eh. I ****** up and here we are…


There’s a few things I wanted to say after our chat.
When I said we moved offices and weren’t in your building, I got my cities confused. (I hadn’t slept much either). I have no idea where our offices are in your city. I’ve never been there and I don’t plan on visiting them. I just wanted to clear that up.

I forgot to share that I wore the scarf you knitted me for the first time a few months ago :) and then again last week. It’s so warm and it feels like a comforting hug around my neck.  It’s one of my most cherished possessions. That and my teapot.

I still use the kettlebell gloves you gave me. Every week. I used to put them on and feel anger as I worked out. The anger is gone Askim. I can’t thank you enough for sharing that time with me a few weeks ago.

Do you remember the wild poppies in my garden. Tiny little red poppies. I collected the seeds and sprinkled them around the neighbourhood. The streets around my home now have them every November. I’m going to keep collecting the seeds and spreading them. The flower of remembrance… my silent tribute to our, now distant, love.  

I still have a few succulents from our time and a single white orchid. I left so many of them to die, unfortunately, when I was in a very dark place. There’s so much I didn’t share about my dark days… But I look after the plants now. I hope to share them with you again one day…

My teapot is back on my desk.

I know you’re back on your feet. Going about your day. I miss you.

I don’t know what will become of this library of love and pain. I can’t use it to write love notes into the black void. And I’m not asking you to come back. You need to respect the life you live. I respect the life you live.

This place is therapy for me… but I don’t know what its future holds. I don’t know what it will become for me, apart from somewhere to empty my heart when it all gets too much.
Is it unfair on you that you have no right of reply… is it unfair on me that I receive no reply? I don’t know Askim. It’s just how life worked out…

As I finish this letter, the eclipse has passed. The blood red moon, washed by the sun, she is radiating a pure innocent white again.

Missing you tonight…

Barely a day goes by where I don’t think about you, Askim
Some days I’m at peace with our distance
But often, it overcomes me and I find myself whispering to myself “I miss you, Askim”
Sending my melancholy into the wind

You’re on my mind tonight and I don’t want to let you go
Please forgive my indulgence of writing this to the universe and upsetting your energy

I still dream of us… as foolish as that may be

Sometimes Askim, I struggle with your words
They’re distant, entirely pleasant and friendly
You’re there, but you’re not there

I understand. You can’t say hello and risk another goodbye. I get it…

I just miss you, Askim **

Do you even miss me?
Do you even think of me?
Do you even give a ****?
I guess I’ll never know...

Askim, if that’s who you are, you can breathe again now, I’ve left…  I’m on a plane to another city, another hotel, another restaurant and crew of people.

Anyway, I’m gone.

I don’t regret messaging you for a cup of tea. I was surprised to hear from you actually. Seems you’ve moved on from ghosting me to just a cold NO. Quite the upgrade really.

Do you really expect me to believe we don’t have anything to talk about… what a load of *******. You might have well just said, *******.
There’s nothing like speaking to your Ikizim like a business transaction. I didn’t hear a shred of emotion in your voice. I forgot how cold you can be. But I guess, that’s what you’re so good at. Compartmentalisation. Put me in a dark box and leave me there. That’s where I live…

You can breathe again. I’m gone. I won’t pull that stunt again… maybe once a decade. Maybe not.

I just thought maybe you’d like to see me :/

Guess not. Sorry askim…

Sorry for disturbing your life. Won’t happen again boss…

I just want to make you proud

The past week has hurt like hell
Watching your father fade away before your eyes. Manic. Confused. Sedated. Nearly fucken handcuffed to a bed.
I’ve become his carer. For a while.
I’m much more numb to it than I thought I’d be. It has to escape me somehow. I’ve bottled it up. I’ll blow a fuse. I guess....

I’m just up the road from you. A few hours maybe. I don’t really know. What does it matter? I might as well be on Mars.

Nice of you to let me know you’re still alive. Albeit briefly. For what it’s worth, I appreciated that. Much more than you appreciated my poems.

I know you’re not there, but I want the universe to know that I miss you. FWIW.

I miss you...

I picked up my phone maybe 20 times tonight. Then forced myself to put it back down. I need to write to you. I’m craving a connection with you. But it’s a dead end. You’ve disappeared… again. I’m so ******* torn. I want to delete everything and burn it all to the ground. But I can’t. This is all I have left. This and my pain. My old friend sorrow too. I don’t remember much. From our time. I remember your smiles. I remember craving your touch and longing to be by your side. I remember ******* like animals and making love like angels. I miss you… **** I try not to. I’m still kinda ****** with you too. Most of all I’m just sad. Because I miss you. The longer this goes on the more I feel like we’ll never speak again in this life. I actually don’t think I’ll ever hear your voice again or touch you. Yeah that hurts. The sadness has become a part of me. My pain has become a part of me. When I think of you I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I don’t want you to come back. Please don’t. I’d ******* fall to pieces. I’m barely keeping my **** together as it is. I just want a hug.

**

I’m like a ******* broken record. Aren’t I?
I still miss you…
You’re the only other human who actually got me.
I miss our connection. I miss our friendship.

I have so much I want to share with you Askim.

It’s so cruel to just extinguish us.

It’s so cruel

When you were lost, I showed you the light.

You could be living out in the boonies with 15 cars in the backyard.

When we met you were about to flush your life away. I gave you the courage and love to be strong. I lit the light ahead. I held your hand.

And when you found your path. You let go.

How is that ikizim?

It still hurts so much.

Simple really. You had to choose a path for yourself. I get it. Self preservation always wins. It’s what makes us human.
But know that I gave my all for you. And **** I miss you.
Let these poems and sad love stories be my heart’s final grave.
For how sad am I?
Mourning a love who has long gone...

*******