If you and I became a tree,
I’d be the roots and you’d be the leaves.
Just know that though you’re higher than me,
You’ll fall if I don’t give what you need.

When I see the news stories
And read the vile comments
I’m reminded of my own
And how for him it’s past tense
But for me and for them
It’s every day
We live with that pain and that shame and that
Way of surviving
Like no one ever ripped out your heart
Like your dignity wasn’t stripped from you
Disbelieved in court
Ridiculed on Facebook
And ******* about in bars
‘This tortures him too’
‘He’s always been fine with me’
That’s what we hear when we try to seek
Validation from those who know our abusers
scepticism and the audacity to accuse us
Of being dramatic, of lying, exaggeration
Well tell me where is the dramatisation
In the fact that in my story when he was done
He wrote ‘No’ on my wall in permanent marker
To reminded him that next time ‘No’ is the answer
Like he should need reminding when he heard it from me
But I am a woman, was a girl
So you see
What I do doesn’t matter
Which sadly is proved
When today we read of Sarah Everard in the news

It’s your birthday today
82
I’ll always regret missing your last party
I couldn’t help it
But it haunts me that I didn’t see you blow your candles out
That last time
I moved to the seaside
You would’ve loved it
And every time I look at the sunset sparkle on the water
I see you
Smiling and laughing
With a glass of red wine in your hand
And your family around you
Just the way you liked it
Happy birthday Grandad
I hope wherever you are it’s great

If I ever die at the side of the street
Please don’t tie flowers and cards to a tree
Please leave the lamp posts and road signs alone
Pack up your sympathy
Take it all home
Remember me as the girl you once knew
And I’ll promise that I’ll do the same thing for you

I feel too strongly
I think too much
I say what I feel
And I don’t understand
Why nobody else can
Understand me

I suppose the reason I’m so ******* myself
Is that I was an exceptional child
Who became a normal adult
And now I’m trying to teach myself
That normality is acceptable
And even enviable
That my achievements are good enough
Even though they’re not loud or spectacular
Even though I’m not the best
At anything
I suppose that becoming okay
Is about learning to become an exceptional adult
By not doing much at all

Loving you is new tattoos,
Loving you is rain.
Loving you is a long weekend,
Loving you is fate.
Loving you is our favourite songs,
Loving you is blue.
Loving you is the colour of your eyes,
Loving you is true.
Loving you is testing my heart,
Loving you is right.
Loving you is your scent in my hair,
Loving you is night.
Loving you is all I am,
Loving you is kind.
Loving you is the only thing that’s ever on my mind.