i allow you to let me settle
settle for things i wouldnt be fine with...
if it wasnt you doing them.
settle for no good morning kisses just my longing looks at your sleepy face.
no cute texts, just "ok" and "love u"  
settle for cuddles.. but only if i ask them.
settle for me feeling like im asking too much.
am i asking too much?
all i ever wanted was a love that consumes me, rips me apart
but puts me back together in a different formation
a more beautiful art piece than i was before.
i wanted a love that comes to me without asking
forcing its way into my heart.
a love that wont ever leave.
and i got exactly that.
you consume me... youre ripping me apart....
but where is the different formation?
why arent you re building?
cant you see that im hurting...
you came into my life and changed me
made me better in ways
made me worse most days.  
you came into my life and loved me
but not in the way i needed
loved me
your way
am i being unfair for expecting the same love i give to you in return?
will giving it to me let your confusing heart burn?
i sound so ungrateful
but really im not
this makes me seem hatefull
but youre all ive got
im so afraid to lose you
do you feel the same?
because its difficult to know
when will you ever grow
like trees i change and shed my leaves with every season of your change
but you stay the same...
you stay... the... same...
same
same
same half love i always get
you say were built different and i get that
but why do i have to keep asking
and begging
and pleading
just to be loved.
not half loved
not almost loved
just
LOVED.

all it takes is a
beautiful fake smile from me
to hide my injured soul.
and you will never notice
how truly
B
     R
O
     K
E
     N
i am.

I
was
a
fountain.

you were a drain.

the fire in my heart
melted the ice in yours
the dribbles trickled down
into me and put my fire out.

You
left
me
B  
          R
O
             K  
          E  
                  N

I want to be your cigarette.
Be the smoke that fills your lungs.
I want to linger in your breath,
and stain your fingers.
I want to be the taste you crave,
and the bud you kiss every day.

Your love
touched me once
and left a mark on me
forever

Our eyes
made love to each other
before our bodies
even dared to touch

I find it funny,

the way you operate.

running away from love,

so you don't feel lonely.

.
.
.
now I tell
my journal
.
.
all the things
I used to
tell you.

.
.
.

when I was alive
YOU avoided me like a plague.
now that I'm dead
you wanna cry at MY grave?
YOU bring flowers
I needed when I was alive.
YOU speak kind words
that would've changed MY awful life.
you say I was taken too soon,
but I was the one who decided
I wanna go to the moon.
this was MY choice,
MY voice,
MY blade,
and MY wrist!
So don't cry at my funeral
when you're the one that
pushed me to this point.

your memory  
is
now
my enemy

I like you.
the one with the
battle scars,
and a heart filled with
beauty marks.
the one who's been through
so much
but shows
so little.

You Feel Right To Me

Like
Naked
Skin
on
Silk
Blankets

Just a
B R O K E N
boy
trying
to
B R E A T H E
through
the
smoke
of
a
B U R N I N G
world

like nature,
i will flow,
i will observe,
i will take from myself
and
give abundantly back to myself.
i will change but not alter.
i will rain when things get heavy.
i will  shine bright when i need to.
like the seasons,
i will go through changes from time to time
i will die over and over,
and
re grow stronger than before
i am silent magnificence
like nature
i will nurture,
i will care,
i will provide,
and i will create
like nature,
i will simply be
....

I wandered deep into myself
and used all the broken pieces
you left behind to build a
wall no one can ever break again.

H - E
E - A
A - R
R - T
T - H

the way you only want me
when you need me
it's like i'm a glove
stored away in a drawer,
on hot days  
when things are good
you completely forget me.
and on cold days...
when things are hard,
you want to get me out
and use me again
to warm your soul.

happy
                                                                  
           ..                      sad
     angry                   ..

..
               ..                                  euphoric

anxious                 ..                happy again.

     my emotions doing parkour

I smoke my silly little ****
and drink my stupid little xanax
I chug my useless little *****
and chew on my foolish little antidepressants
I cut into my mindless little skin
and hurt my idiotic little feelings
I do whatever little thing I need
so I don't end my
silly, stupid, useless, foolish, mindless, idiotic
little life.

i'd be lying if i said
i  miss you
i'd be dying if i
stayed with you
i'd be crying if i
never left you
but now i'm smiling
because i finally
dumped you

my roses
are dead
and my voilets
never grew

my depression is like a storm cloud
slowly absorbing hurt
forming drops of pain and anxiety  
then it comes crashing down
soaking me in pain
and just when the sun starts to shine again
storm clouds begin to build again.

it's 3:09am
your picture just popped onto my timeline
i remember what we were
i remember how it felt
i remember your smell
and the way you used to
make me smile
then i remember
you're not here anymore
what we were is gone now
what i felt is wrong now
your smell is fading
and the smile you always gave me
is waning.

i don't know what i feel for you
but it feels good
like the smell of fresh cut grass
and that first summer rain hitting the sidewalk
it feels good
like your favorite food
or a really good song
it rises inside me like helium balloons
it feels good
like a cold pool on a warm day
and that cocktail after a long day
it feels good
wonderful actually

You hurt me
and like the artist I am
I turned it into a
masterpiece
for you
to see

I wonder sometimes

what it must be like

to mean everything to someone

or
to
even
just
be enough

so last night,
i went on a date,
this man made me dinner,
a bubble bath was waiting for me,
candles were lit,
wine was  in my hand the moment I arrived,
in essence the perfect date.
this man,
tried his utmost best to make me feel...
comfortable.
it was in fact, by far...
one of the best dates i've been on.
but even months after your
D E A T H
YOU were the one on my mind,
floating through it like a helium filled balloon'
filling it up, expanding uncontrollably,
crowding my brain with thoughts of
how happy we once were.
this had me wondering
what if i can never
fall for someone else,
someone else... that isn't you?
what if i can never be in love again
because they won't be you?

you treated my weakness like a crime
i was the inmate and you the warden
you cuffed my insecurities
and put me in a cage
locking me away from myself for years.

you are the drug that only works when I don't  need you
the alcohol intoxicating me when I should be sober
the **** cigar between my lips when I should be focusing
you are the crack pipe in my mouth when I should be breathing
you are the drug that only works when I don't need you
like ******* you make me high when I should be low
like ****** I am so addicted to you it hurts when you leave me
like acid you make me trip sometimes
you are the drug that only works when I don't need you
Like xanax you make me numb inside
like MDMA you make my skin prickle
like LSD I see things when i'm with you
you are the drug that only works when i don't need you....

my anxiety
is like an ab workout
tying knots in my stomach

I fell
I crashed
I broke down
I cried
I crawled
I hurt
I surrendered
and then...
I rose
I rose again

I wanted you,
you wanted that.
I needed you,
you needed a fix.
I loved you,
you loved drugs.
I
loved
you,
you
loved
******.
now you want me,
I don't want you.
now you need me,
I don't need you.
now you love me,
I don't love you.
now you love me,
I
don't
love
you
…

me loving you
was me sealing my fate
you slowly turned up the heat
little by little
and like a frog,
i was oblivious
to the fact
that you were slowly
boiling me alive.

i
will
take
the
homophobic
slurs
you
spat
at
me
and
smear
them
across
my
cheeks
like
war
paint

Swallowing down my tears.
And welling up my feelings.
My heart is drowning
in this vast ocean of emotions,
and I just need someone
to take me back to
shore.

i cry all night
but smile all day
i drink to take the pain away
i smoke my lungs black
and contemplate
throwing myself off a building
wouldn't that be great?

i sit and think...
is my life even worth living?
how can it be if its so unfulfilling
i contemplate and take another drag
and think about how i'm just another ***
how i'll always be alone
and how i want my life to be over and done.

i think about loneliness
and how it makes me feel
i think about the times i spent
thinking love was real
i think i want to give up
i don't want to live it up

i bought a vacuum sealer today
not for food
for you
for your clothes
you died before we did your laundry

your smell lingers on the ***** shirt
your intoxicating smell
your smell i will never smell again

i bought a vacuum sealer today
not for food
for you
for your clothes
vacuum sealed to keep your smell forever
because i can never let go

The worst part of it all
is feeling this pain in my heart
and not knowing
who it belongs to

My "forever"
lasted only 4 months
My "I will never leave you"
left me.
My "I will always be there"
wasn't there when I needed him most.
My "I promise"
broke his promise.
My "I will never hurt you"
hurt me real bad.
My "I love you"
stopped loving me.
My "everything"
turned to nothing.
My "You can trust me"
B
         R
  O
             K
        E  

MY

     HEART.

people keep asking
how i do it?
how i stay strong?
how i keep going?
what they don't know
is that i was never given a choice.
i was forced
shoved even

i thought you the candy my brain needed
a well deserved sugar rush
but you were poison to my heart
right from the start.
i should've studied your ingredients
before i fed you to my soul.
but now you've already
made my heart black like a coal.