I’m alone on this plain of earnest sentiment
it’s exhausting for most
cozy in front of their screens
their half lived lives
entertained by stories
I live my story in dream time
on the streets and in my head
I search for real magicians
matches to light hidden flames
antigravity warriors slipping between dimensions
my flame is not on this channel
it’s not bundled
it doesn’t float
put in another quarter
you’re so close to an extra life
it doesn’t matter if you miss the bus
it’s almost over
let’s watch my show next
everything will be ok
do you have a light?

he feels
sometimes
he feels so much
when he’s not immersed in Hulu
or some other make believe ****
a few minutes every day
he feels
a lot

his touch is tentative but full of want
he pulls me gently to him
I do not resist
I am an autumn leaf teetering on a twig
I am a soft bud opening
petals dripping dew
I am a blazing ember
disintegrated by flame
cleaving in two
sparks spilling free

he leans in to my upturned gaze
kisses me sweetly
my fate is sealed

easy to match
impossible to attach

the waves are being particularly rambunctious
the ocean is telling a lot of jokes
also I think the sun is a bit drunk
wobbling through the sky

if you’re sad
sing a song
a song that feels really good to sing
sing it loud
don’t hurt yourself now
but really sing it out
do it as many times as you need
for me that’s at least 3 times
but usually I keep going to 6 or 7
then
well then you have to go with it
maybe sing other songs
maybe some jumping around
maybe fold the laundry
it could lead anywhere

my heart still hurts
it’s hurt for a long time though
nothing ever changed
so I had to
I deserve love

I love my new watch
love love love it
“Let’s get moving!” it says
yes, I think, yes watch,
let’s!

I’m afraid of the dark
I have nightmares and I see things
things everywhere when I wake up
twisting moving pulsing shifting
shapes in space
I can feel them too
can almost make them out
I try not to look too close
I don’t want to see
I’m scared

everything is dark today
my thoughts
my heart
my clothes
the sky
everything

I thought feelings were shared that were not
I thought experiences were shared that were not
I believed many things that were not true
I suppose I’m in good company there

life is on his terms only
he is not built to share

my sleepy candle lit porch
is a wonderful place
to smoke cigarettes
drink whiskey
watch the moon
and flatter myself
while listening to crickets

I don’t find myself very attractive
which allows me to think
many men have fallen in love
with my mind

my neighbors are
Big Fans
of military history
and every so often
when we’re hanging out
and they’ve had a few beers
I find myself thrown into
a unique kind of
Friendly Fire

if I ever saw him again
things might be different
but I don’t expect I will
so it is what it is

try explaining circumcision
to an uncircumcised 12 year old boy

I tried to hide it
the damage your actions caused
I didn’t want you to feel bad
that’s just like me
if I got stabbed
I’d worry my attacker might have hurt his arm doing the stabbing
I knew I had to fix the tear in my space though
I was slowly seeping out
becoming something I’m not

but the magnitude of damage was striking
even to myself who experienced it
I know you don’t believe in any of this
though you’ve had plenty of evidence
of inexplicable knowing
uncanny conclusions
explain it away as coincidence if you must
you can’t know me
no matter how much you watch
because you don’t believe in my fundamental existence
but I believe in you

do I still exist?
I think so
I have a house
a family
friends
I work some days, not others
I have a phone, email
various social media accounts
I am not invisible
or untouchable
or unreachable
I think I still exist
I definitely do

time is delicious this evening
sweet and spicy
deep and rich
like Mexican chocolate
or cinnamon elixir

time is content tonight
heavy and smooth
drunk with svelte pollen
over slick naked petals
and bowed branches rocking

time exists carelessly independent of me
unconcerned and lazy in it’s duties
telling me an inside joke
remember that time, he says…
and I see a small distant warmth

sometimes a song can come out of nowhere and rip you in two
a song she sang for you
only you
prepared, practiced, performed
for you
once

good lord why does it hurt so much

there was love
as it were
as much as was available
which sometimes wasn’t much
but a man in a desert can rejoice over a teaspoon of water

the world is very exhausting when you care for people who don’t care for you
it’s lonely and draining and depressing
it feels like more than a page to turn
it feels like the heaviest most suffocating weighted blanket in existence
today
I don’t care for anyone

I’m just gonna say it
I hate the subway
it’s hot, stinky, and *****
there’s too many people
but you can’t stare at them cause that’s rude
so you just have to stare at the walls
while crammed into a tin can shooting way too noisy and fast through the dark subterranean landscape
while disconcerting looking people roam from car to car
imploring you somewhat incoherently for money or attention or food
or some scrap of human connection
which is literally and existentially the most  terrifying aspect of the whole experience

as an urban planner by profession
I worry
this makes me an egregious hypocrite
though perhaps it’s just the gross density of humanity to which I object

I did, after all, enjoy the bus,
the train, and the walking walking walking
walking walking walking
walking walking

I’m disappointed today

I wish you were here
we’d hold hands on the bus
snuggle on the train
wander aimlessly through the museums, streets, and parks of New York
we’d share a bed
we’d share fancy drinks
we’d scream at the stage
more! more! more!
we’d make years of memories in a day
and come back to our sleepy town
in the end
more in love than ever

fix your house
reclaim your joy
find the infinite self inside the self,
the wellspring of happiness and love
you, too, can feel that you are
beautiful and sublime
you cannot be found in any mirror
or other
accept your numinous being
and you will be healed

the morning walked along an ecstatic shore
under a pastel drawn sky
flowing in white scarves
the morning was a beautiful woman
with long hair emanating peace
and gratitude
the morning was perfect

don’t fret darling
there is no force in the universe
stronger than the existence between us

he couldn’t stop
and he wouldn’t start
nothing could prevent him from not doing it

I find a strong will very ****
but it can be a detriment to a joyful life

good morning love
the days are expanding into chapters of a joyful life
I’m one of those foolishly optimistic narrators
who knows there will be a happy ending
you are my favorite character

he woke drowsy
with a tuft of those
familiar
crinkly
hairs
in his mouth

his mind raced in this half sleep state

seconds later
fully conscious
he raced to the bathroom and
trimmed
his
beard

I feel an overwhelming love for myself and for you
I hope you can feel it too

if I gave you a hug
would you feel a hug?
or a claustrophobic squeeze?
if I sent you a picture
would you see my need to connect?
or steal my soul with your eyes?
if I left you a flower
would you smell the sweetness of hope?
or the decay of lost possibilities?
if I kissed your lips
would you taste desire?
or fear?

if I said I love you
would you hear it?

to understand where something begins and ends
you need to understand object permanence
but that's what a lot of people are missing

my love cannot feel me
my love cannot see me
my love weeps
head bowed in hands
leaving my outstretched arms
empty

I saw you differently today
our eyes met on a one way
street
gaze froze in time
me forever wishing
you’re mine

it’s another heartfelt day for living and loving and healing
another day full of opportunities and chances and destinies fulfilled
another day for letting go,
dreaming big,
and believing in yourself
another day to let truth, beauty, and gratitude expand your heart

may you feel hope today
may you feel excitement
and joy
above all, may you feel loved
as you are
as I love you
today, tomorrow, and forever
in darkness
and in light

the wobble of a muon foretells a paradigmatic shift in our understanding of the forces of nature

my wobble foretells an excess of alcohol

I’m a prisoner of wanting
a failure as a Buddhist
but an excellent lover
carried, as I am
into nirvana
by gentle ****** love

if the wind this morning is taking requests
it will deliver to you my gentle caress

I appreciate this moment
what do I live for?
this moment
this magnifying
tiny
moment

the musk this evening
mixed with the dark cherry overtones
of smoke
I could fall in love with myself
if I wasn’t me

I love her course hands
the scoring on each finger
like the tread of a tractor tire
wise with wrenches and grease
she will tell you what to do
just like a man
so obnoxious and confident
she’s a study in authentic masculinity
I’m mesmerized
by her imperfection
and competence
in all matters of this life

I want to write something inspiring
words beautiful and strong that spur you to action
or prompt you to holler joyfully from rooftops
words that touch your heart in brotherhood and healing
words of comfort and understanding

but I am a simple being
I write of flowers and sun
wind and dreams
loneliness and truth
I would never coax action
where stillness is needed

look into yourself, I say
if your self says
run
run and hide
then do so, I say
do so
until your self says
I am bored
bored bored bored
until your self says
I am ready
for more

if it ever does
I say

come
come to me
I will dance with you
across the rainbow side of the moon
with kisses
and love
and the rest of time

I am having significant trouble to focus
there are feelings swirling in areas that do not help one to think
and in my brain
thoughts of you
have performed a coup

pretty present wrapped in bows
tingles of excitement down through my toes
it’s my birthday soon

life used to be harder when I thought words meant more
I was trapped on an unpleasant roller coaster of love and rejection, intimacy and abandonment
now that I realize words don’t mean so much
life is more equanimous
and less of everything else

my body is the harp of an angel
under a light blanket of dreams